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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Danielle on April 26, 2000, at 10:25:42
I tried this once before, it didn't seem to make it?
I know there are many support groups for those with psychological illnesses. I am looking for one for those living with the people suffering.
We have a house full of boys. My dh has been sick for about 18 months. He has not been out of bed, except for work (thank goodness) in the last 6 to 12 months. During that time we have built a new house, lost my grandmother, started homeschooled children in public school, still homeschooling some of them. Dh was in patient 200 miles from home for a week. This was the second week in our new home, no phone lines yet and a foot of snow on the ground! Now we are in the middle of Little League, three different teams, three different fields, seven days a week, 35 miles from home! And dh doesn't feel like getting up to help! YIKES.
I am tired and just looking for someone who has been there, I could really use some words of encouragement.
BTW, we have found a new doc and are very encouraged.
Thanks for letting me blow off the steam!
Blessings,
Danielle
Posted by S.D. Guy on April 26, 2000, at 16:37:59
In reply to On Line Support, posted by Danielle on April 26, 2000, at 10:25:42
> I tried this once before, it didn't seem to make it?
>
> I know there are many support groups for those with psychological illnesses. I am looking for one for those living with the people suffering.
>I see what you mean; I couldn't find as much as I would have expected. Unfortunately there doesn't seem to be much for the loved ones of the ill. You didn't say if it was depression, but anyway maybe there will be something good that you haven't found yet, in one of these lists...
From the Open Directory Project (dmoz.org, a directory similar to Yahoo)...
list of 'support' web sites for...
caregivers:
http://www.dmoz.org/Society/Support_Groups/Caregivers/
depression (some are for family of the depressed):
http://www.dmoz.org/Health/Mental_Health/Disorders/Depression/Support_Groups/
more:
http://www.dmoz.org/Society/Support_Groups/Relationships/
http://www.dmoz.org/Society/Support_Groups/Parents/Also I searched the Usenet newsgroups and found one that may be relevant: soc.support.depression.family
(if you haven't used usenet before, read a little about it and check your web browser - Internet Explorer and Netscape Communicator include newsreader programs. Or you can access usenet newsgroups via a web site such as www.deja.com. Be warned that it isn't moderated, so jerks, idiots and other unpleasantness tends to be a bit more common than on most web-based discussion forums such as this one.)
Posted by Margret on April 26, 2000, at 16:53:09
In reply to On Line Support, posted by Danielle on April 26, 2000, at 10:25:42
> I tried this once before, it didn't seem to make it?
>
> I know there are many support groups for those with psychological illnesses. I am looking for one for those living with the people suffering.
>
> We have a house full of boys. My dh has been sick for about 18 months. He has not been out of bed, except for work (thank goodness) in the last 6 to 12 months. During that time we have built a new house, lost my grandmother, started homeschooled children in public school, still homeschooling some of them. Dh was in patient 200 miles from home for a week. This was the second week in our new home, no phone lines yet and a foot of snow on the ground! Now we are in the middle of Little League, three different teams, three different fields, seven days a week, 35 miles from home! And dh doesn't feel like getting up to help! YIKES.
>
> I am tired and just looking for someone who has been there, I could really use some words of encouragement.
>
> BTW, we have found a new doc and are very encouraged.
>
> Thanks for letting me blow off the steam!
>
> Blessings,
> Danielle
Danielle,
Take a look at the 'Depression Fallout' board:
http://www.InsideTheWeb.com/messageboard/mbs.cgi/mb103395There are very supportive and compassionate people there.
Margret
Posted by saint james on April 26, 2000, at 17:25:13
In reply to Some possibilities (Re: On Line Support), posted by S.D. Guy on April 26, 2000, at 16:37:59
>
> I see what you mean; I couldn't find as much as I would have expected. Unfortunately there doesn't seem to be much for the loved ones of the ill.James here....
Try searching using "caregivers" or "caregivers support groups" I know there are a lot of real life meetings in most major cities for caregivers.
james
Posted by Mark H. on April 26, 2000, at 19:41:14
In reply to On Line Support, posted by Danielle on April 26, 2000, at 10:25:42
Hi Danielle,
I got exhausted just reading your list! Could it be that you're doing too much? As a dh myself, I did "moderately" OK with our last move, but when Christmas came and the house flooded during a freak storm, it was WAY over my ability to cope, and it took me about two years to recover.
Getting hit with disabling depression is not really much different than breaking a leg, except in the way that people treat you. If your husband was in a body cast, you probably wouldn't expect him to get up and drive the kids to practice, to help with the meals, or to assist with making funeral arrangements. But what he's got is just as disabling, but since it doesn't show physically, all of your hard work and frustration and need for help (all valid and important, by the way) just reinforces his sense of worthlessness. Been there -- it's not fun not being able to get off the couch for months at a time.
If your husband had been in a severe car crash instead, how would you arrange the family activities? Would you ask the kids to cut back on baseball, perhaps even cutting it out altogether for a year or two? Would you expect the kids to help more with the house and with dad? Would you ask your family, your doctor, your insurance company, your church, your friends, your neighbors and other resources for help? This is really no different. You're in a terrible bind, and you need real help. DO NOT expect it to come from your husband, who is seriously ill.
There are a lot of "normal" things I don't get to do because of my illness, and my wife has had to make plenty of adjustments as well. I really disliked what having a housekeeper come in a couple of times a month said about me as a person, but that was just part of my "depression-thinking." If I had children, I would feel horribly guilty about asking them to give up their outside activities to help with the work of life, but what you're facing is effectively an emergency. Do you think your kids would resent having to help out if your house burned to the ground? They need to understand and not be protected from having accurate information about your husband's illness.
Depression responds well to a steady routine and little change, in addition to medication and psychotherapy, and frequently gets worse when things are hectic. The more you can help to bring stability and routine to your daily lives, and the more help you can accept from others, the sooner your husband will be ready to re-join you as an active and productive partner in your life.
In the meantime, take exquisitely good care of yourself whenever you can -- you're a treasure!
Best wishes,
Mark H.
Posted by Danielle on April 26, 2000, at 22:01:27
In reply to Re: On Line Support, posted by Mark H. on April 26, 2000, at 19:41:14
Mark,
Wow! Thanks for the reminder. You are right I am expecting too much. Most days I can remember that. However, some days it is overwhelming. My dh is the one who bought the land, decided to build and also the one who signed the boys up for baseball! He is even the manager of the team, although he can't attend the practices and games. I am not blaming him I have the problem with rescuing! The only difference with the broken leg or car accident is that he would have hope of healing :( and also he probably wouldn't be so mad at me because I wasn't the one who is sick. Thanks for taking the time to share!
Blessings, Danielle
Posted by Mark H. on April 28, 2000, at 1:36:35
In reply to Re: On Line Support, posted by Danielle on April 26, 2000, at 22:01:27
> Mark,
> Wow! Thanks for the reminder. You are right I am expecting too much... My dh is the one who bought the land, decided to build and also the one who signed the boys up for baseball!Dear Danielle,
Ahhhh, I'm glad you told me, because "depressed husbands" must learn humility and limits, must take extra care to express gratitude and respect for their families, and especially must not fall into the arrogant trap of setting up a bunch of high-maintenance projects with which they cannot follow through, thereby adding to the burden placed on their spouses and children! You won't meet anyone more sympathetic to your husband's suffering than I am, but I would be very firm about telling him "no deal" the next time he suggests something that will add to the family's stresses and disrupt the predictable routine that he requires if he hopes to regain his health.
I'm sure part of you is very angry at him and rightfully so. Not that it makes anything different in the short run, nor does it change the accommodations your family must make for his illness, but anyone who's depressed and chooses to buy land, build a new home, and set up baseball games 35 miles from home seven days a week is BEGGING to have a major depressive breakdown. I'm tempted to start name-calling.
Anyway, Danielle, my heart goes out to you in this difficult situation. You really need to take charge and start setting the boundaries and limits for the whole family. Your husband's doctor should back you up. Your husband needs to stop kidding himself and make a genuine commitment to adapting his lifestyle in a way that will lead him back to health. If he's too stubborn or too sick to take his illness seriously, you may need to hospitalize him for awhile.
I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Mark H.
Posted by S.D. Guy on May 1, 2000, at 2:57:49
In reply to On Line Support, posted by Danielle on April 26, 2000, at 10:25:42
Here's a page of links, from dr. Ivan's 'depression central' site:
http://www.psycom.net/depression.central.friends.html
This is the end of the thread.
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