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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by audrey on September 15, 2002, at 16:36:39
Hi. I've been going through some difficulty trying to get my depression, anxiety, anger, irritation, etc. under control. I've taken medication after medication, first trying to control my depression, then trying to control my social and general anxiety. Finally I have a doctor who asked the right questions, got to know me a bit, and realized I am Bi-polar II. Going through my journals from junior high, high school, college and beyond, it's amazing how clear-cut the cycles are. I had a couple of years where there weren't any real symptoms, but mostly I was either planning to win the Nobel Peace Prize, win a gold medal at the Olympics in swimming, and become editor of the NYTimes, or I was writing about the different ways to kill myself because I was such a dreadful, stupid, boring person.
Anyway, the purpose of this post (yes, there is one) is to ask how people have dealt with getting this disease under control? I'm taking 1000mg of Depakote and 4mg of klonopin a day, since I just started taking the depakote not quite 2 weeks ago, and my pdoc will probably have my go up on the depakote monday. But frrom what I've read here, and based on responses to a previous post of mine, it seems like my mood should be a bit more stabilized. However, I've noticed no effects with the depakote. And after some "episodes" this weekend, I'm pretty sure something is still terribly terribly wrong. I think about killing myself almost constantly, and I did attempt it this morning.
I'm wondering if anyone has any advice? Should I try another drug? I've considered hospitalization, mainly for my safety, because who knows when something is going to set me off and my husband won't be here to stop me? And it's getting more and more difficult to go to work and act like "little-miss-perfect," something I've done my whole life, and I don't feel my work is really up to par anyeay. But I really need my job -- my husband is doing a post-doc and doesn't make a lot of money right now, so my income is crucial. What kind of effect does going to an "institution" have on one's job?
How do other people deal with wanting to commit suicide? What do you do when there's no one around?
So this is probably pretty disjointed, and I apologize for that. Does anyone have any suggestions?
Posted by Phil on September 15, 2002, at 16:56:44
In reply to Hospitalization?, posted by audrey on September 15, 2002, at 16:36:39
Okay, you attempted suicide this morning. You sorta breezed over that. Go to the hospital, Maybe you or they can call your doctor.Your husband could call your work and make up some BS.
You can stress that you need to get stabilized and hopefully have a very short stay.I may overreact at times but I think you need the safety net. I don't think 'toughing out' suicidal impulses on one's own is going to be effective.
Our recovery comes first above everything and everybody else.
Phil
Posted by McPac on September 15, 2002, at 17:26:07
In reply to Hospitalization?, posted by audrey on September 15, 2002, at 16:36:39
If you leave your e-mail address, I will send you some very helpful info.
Take care!
Posted by Ritch on September 15, 2002, at 17:33:25
In reply to Hospitalization?, posted by audrey on September 15, 2002, at 16:36:39
> Hi. I've been going through some difficulty trying to get my depression, anxiety, anger, irritation, etc. under control. I've taken medication after medication, first trying to control my depression, then trying to control my social and general anxiety. Finally I have a doctor who asked the right questions, got to know me a bit, and realized I am Bi-polar II. Going through my journals from junior high, high school, college and beyond, it's amazing how clear-cut the cycles are. I had a couple of years where there weren't any real symptoms, but mostly I was either planning to win the Nobel Peace Prize, win a gold medal at the Olympics in swimming, and become editor of the NYTimes, or I was writing about the different ways to kill myself because I was such a dreadful, stupid, boring person.
>
> Anyway, the purpose of this post (yes, there is one) is to ask how people have dealt with getting this disease under control? I'm taking 1000mg of Depakote and 4mg of klonopin a day, since I just started taking the depakote not quite 2 weeks ago, and my pdoc will probably have my go up on the depakote monday. But frrom what I've read here, and based on responses to a previous post of mine, it seems like my mood should be a bit more stabilized. However, I've noticed no effects with the depakote. And after some "episodes" this weekend, I'm pretty sure something is still terribly terribly wrong. I think about killing myself almost constantly, and I did attempt it this morning.
>
> I'm wondering if anyone has any advice? Should I try another drug? I've considered hospitalization, mainly for my safety, because who knows when something is going to set me off and my husband won't be here to stop me? And it's getting more and more difficult to go to work and act like "little-miss-perfect," something I've done my whole life, and I don't feel my work is really up to par anyeay. But I really need my job -- my husband is doing a post-doc and doesn't make a lot of money right now, so my income is crucial. What kind of effect does going to an "institution" have on one's job?
>
> How do other people deal with wanting to commit suicide? What do you do when there's no one around?
>
> So this is probably pretty disjointed, and I apologize for that. Does anyone have any suggestions?
I agree with Phil, it is much better to be safe than sorry. You need to tell a professional *now* that you attempted suicide today and you are bipolar and you are not stablilized yet. Having nearly constant suicidal thoughts is very serious. Depakote takes a few weeks to fully stabilize most people (that it works for). Also, it obviously sounds like you are having serious breakthrough depression. That needs to be treated ASAP. We all know that antidepressants can cause cycling and mania, but you need to get this acute crisis dealt with now, and that may require antidepressant treatment.please be careful,
Mitch
Posted by sebastian on September 15, 2002, at 18:17:39
In reply to Hospitalization?, posted by audrey on September 15, 2002, at 16:36:39
Let your weild side hang out. Do some thing fun for a day. Don't worry too much about concicunces, just realize there are some.
Posted by Geezer on September 15, 2002, at 18:33:25
In reply to Hospitalization?, posted by audrey on September 15, 2002, at 16:36:39
Hi Audrey,
Just want to agree with the others. I have been hospitalized 10 times (didn't comply with treatment well in my early years). I just arrived home from the hospital 2 weeks ago (first time in since 1985). Things have changed - I would do a four to six week stay years ago - now with mamaged care your out in a week (at least I was).
As everyone else has pointed out SAFETY comes first. Another point, explained to me by my pdoc after a "close call" in 1985, people like us tend to repeat behavior in times of crisis. That is to say if you go to the hospital now that is what you are likely to do if another crisis occurs in the future. You don't get many chances at self destruction. For me the hospital was always a "port in the storm".
We all support you - please get professional help.
Geezer
Posted by judy1 on September 15, 2002, at 18:51:02
In reply to Hospitalization?, posted by audrey on September 15, 2002, at 16:36:39
Dear Audrey,
First, neither depakote or klonopin helps with the depressive side of bipolar disorder, of any of the mood stabilizers lamictal has the most AD properties, but takes several weeks to build up to an effective dose. Second, you are not safe, and while I abhor hospitals, this is one of the few times when it is important for you to be in one so you will not be alone. As far as job concerns, sorry to be blunt- how can you possibly help your husband if you are attempting suicide? When suicidal, I have been committed to a hospital for 72 hours until the crisis passed, then went to day (partial) hospital on a daily basis. Since you work, can I assume you have insurance? If not, the ER of any hospital has to treat you and get you help. Your workplace does not have to be told why you are missing work, or why you are in a hospital. They will take sick days just as they would with any illness. I have never lost a job because of any of my hospitalizations. PLEASE get the help you need, and then you will be able to cope with anything that comes up. take care and let us know how it works out- judy
Posted by audrey on September 15, 2002, at 22:21:00
In reply to AUDREY, posted by McPac on September 15, 2002, at 17:26:07
Hi McPac,
My e-mail address is audrey_ellison@hotmail.com. Any help would be appreciated! Also, I thought I'd replied to your response to one of my earlier posts, but it didn't seem to show up. Thanks, though.
And thanks to everyone else's responses. I guess I did indeed "gloss over" the suicide attempt. Over the last few months it's become such a part of my life (thinking seriously about suicide) that it just almost seems normal. That's a really screwed up way to go through life. I just can't stand living this way, you know? Ironically, my husband and I both work at a large hospital, and I guess I'm paranoid about people finding out what's going on with me. Since I work in a small part of the medical field, everyone pretty much knows everyone else, even though I live in a city with several large hospitals. I do have insurance, I could take time off, paid or not, but everytime I think about having to tell my boss that I'm taking the time off, I freak out about it. Yeah, she doesn't have to know why, but I guess because my whole life I've "held it together," (straight A's, good schools, good jobs, etc.) having to admit that I'm so sick that I need to just let go means I lose. But, yup, I'm pretty much losing now, aren't I?
OK, just venting a little here. I guess I just need to figure some things out and have a good talk with my doctor. Thinking back on it, maybe I haven't been as CANDID as I should have been, but a lot of that has to do with going into his office and being that "perfect" person, not admitting that I'm a complete raving lunatic, just a little bit of a lunatic.
Thanks again for everyone's honest answers.
Audrey
> If you leave your e-mail address, I will send you some very helpful info.
> Take care!
Posted by judy1 on September 15, 2002, at 23:17:20
In reply to Re: AUDREY » McPac, posted by audrey on September 15, 2002, at 22:21:00
I appreciate that you took the time to post and tell us of your decision. I
know it is difficult when you are a perfectionist (as i used to be) to admit to any weaknesses, but I don't think there's anything as freeing as to be honest with a therapist or shrink and discover that a LOT of people aren't as together as they look, and you don't have to be either. I hope you find someone you're comfortable with and i truly hope you feel better soon. take care, judy
Posted by oracle on September 16, 2002, at 2:13:51
In reply to Re: Hospitalization? » audrey, posted by Phil on September 15, 2002, at 16:56:44
> Okay, you attempted suicide this morning. You sorta breezed over that.
And I missed it too !
Get thee to hospital so you can be safe
and get well. You deserve it."Squeeze the flask of life to its dregs"
Posted by Phil on September 16, 2002, at 7:00:49
In reply to Re: AUDREY » McPac, posted by audrey on September 15, 2002, at 22:21:00
Thanks for the 'thinking out loud'. I tend to go to my pdoc's and 'put on a press conference' sometimes.
I've learned, in group and my doc, how much I can veer off the subject when faced with a tough question. It's so automatic, I don't even notice it but it drives everyone nuts! haha
I think the harder we try to be perfect, the deeper we go with depression. I think most people can see through a lot more than we give them credit for anyway.Talk to you soon.
Phil
Posted by sjb on September 16, 2002, at 11:25:20
In reply to Hospitalization?, posted by audrey on September 15, 2002, at 16:36:39
Audrey, You sound like such an especially wonderful woman and your posts have helped me a great deal, if only for not feeling so alone.
I don't think I am bi-polar but some of your experiences, lifestyle are similar to mine.
Please tell you Doc exactly what you've told us. I know there are many facilities in Boston, if you decide to go that route. You are not alone and you will get better!
sjb
Posted by audrey on September 16, 2002, at 21:55:50
In reply to Re: Hospitalization?, posted by sjb on September 16, 2002, at 11:25:20
Thanks everyone for your support and words of encouragement. That alone has helped me so much over the last day or so. Well, that and all the klonopin I'm taking to calm me down!
Amazingly, my husband sent an e-mail to my pdoc last night telling him what transpired over the weekend. Not a word. I know he checks his e-mail between 8:30 and 9am on weekdays, so I'm quite sure he received it. I also called and left a voice mail for him today telling him I really needed to figure out where to go from here. No response. I feel really angry and abandoned. I thought he was a good doctor, but I guess just because one has a good rapport wtih the doctor that doesn't mean he's "good." If I were to indeed attempt to or successfully commit suicide again today, I think he might be a bit at fault. If I were a spiteful woman... Just kidding, just kidding!
Anyway, I just took a few klonopin, hoping I can get some sleep tonight. I took today off from work, but have to go back tomorrow. I'm thinking of trying a 72 hour stint in a hospital or something like that, and making up some "family emergency," or something along those lines -- which isn't far from the truth. Can anyone tell me what their experiences have been like while hospitalized? Interestingly, in my job, I find programs like these for people all over the state and sometimes in other states, but I don't know what the programs are really like! Isn't that sad? Where am I sending these poor souls? But that's another post, I guess! So I guess I'd like to know what I'm in for. If I don't hear back from my pdoc, I'll go to emergency and have them admit me to a program. I NEED to do SOMETHING! I can't stand feeling this way anymore.
Anyway, thanks again to everyone who has listened and offered advice, and kind words. You've helped more than you can imagine.
And SJB, I'm glad I could help you. I hope you are getting the medical attention YOU need. Best of luck.
Audrey
> Audrey, You sound like such an especially wonderful woman and your posts have helped me a great deal, if only for not feeling so alone.
>
> I don't think I am bi-polar but some of your experiences, lifestyle are similar to mine.
>
> Please tell you Doc exactly what you've told us. I know there are many facilities in Boston, if you decide to go that route. You are not alone and you will get better!
>
> sjb
Posted by butterbay on September 17, 2002, at 1:05:20
In reply to Hospitalization?, posted by audrey on September 15, 2002, at 16:36:39
Audrey, first of all, i love your name.
i have major depressive disorder and have never
been hospitalized, although, i wanted to be, because i too, at that time, was suicidal. i didn't because of my mother and husband, they just couldn't take the idea of not being able to see me and everything for that long of a time, at least that is the way the psyc hospitals are around here. if you think about killing yourself, go in the hospital, it can't be worse than wanting to die, right? they can get you on the right medication in there and they even have a medication that they give that makes you not have bad thoughts. i have an aunt who was so depressed had electro shock treatment twice and it has worked great for her both times. in my opinion, this is your life, a life, an important one and do anything you can to make your life happy and to get any help you need along the way. i take effexor daily for my depression and do very well with it, but i know that if i were to get in that bad of shape again that i would do anything to get my life back. a life is too important to let depression win, right? good luck and i'll be praying for you.
Posted by shar on September 17, 2002, at 1:44:29
In reply to Re: Hospitalization? -- Thanks everyone, posted by audrey on September 16, 2002, at 21:55:50
Audrey,
You, imo, are seriously playing with fire. You need to stop thinking so much about things, and GO, right NOW.I know about suicide attempts and ideation, and you are on shaky ground, I can tell. "Anyway, I just took a few klonopin" you said; well, that's not going to resolve this issue because this is serious and about YOU.
Screw everything else. GO.
Get your purse, and your meds, and clean underwear, get in the car, and GO NOW.
Just GO. Don't *wait* for anything else to happen and don't stop to *take care of* anything else. GO NOW.
Shar
> Thanks everyone for your support and words of encouragement. That alone has helped me so much over the last day or so. Well, that and all the klonopin I'm taking to calm me down!
>
> Amazingly, my husband sent an e-mail to my pdoc last night telling him what transpired over the weekend. Not a word. I know he checks his e-mail between 8:30 and 9am on weekdays, so I'm quite sure he received it. I also called and left a voice mail for him today telling him I really needed to figure out where to go from here. No response. I feel really angry and abandoned. I thought he was a good doctor, but I guess just because one has a good rapport wtih the doctor that doesn't mean he's "good." If I were to indeed attempt to or successfully commit suicide again today, I think he might be a bit at fault. If I were a spiteful woman... Just kidding, just kidding!
>
> Anyway, I just took a few klonopin, hoping I can get some sleep tonight. I took today off from work, but have to go back tomorrow. I'm thinking of trying a 72 hour stint in a hospital or something like that, and making up some "family emergency," or something along those lines -- which isn't far from the truth. Can anyone tell me what their experiences have been like while hospitalized? Interestingly, in my job, I find programs like these for people all over the state and sometimes in other states, but I don't know what the programs are really like! Isn't that sad? Where am I sending these poor souls? But that's another post, I guess! So I guess I'd like to know what I'm in for. If I don't hear back from my pdoc, I'll go to emergency and have them admit me to a program. I NEED to do SOMETHING! I can't stand feeling this way anymore.
>
> Anyway, thanks again to everyone who has listened and offered advice, and kind words. You've helped more than you can imagine.
>
> And SJB, I'm glad I could help you. I hope you are getting the medical attention YOU need. Best of luck.
>
> Audrey
>
>
>
> > Audrey, You sound like such an especially wonderful woman and your posts have helped me a great deal, if only for not feeling so alone.
> >
> > I don't think I am bi-polar but some of your experiences, lifestyle are similar to mine.
> >
> > Please tell you Doc exactly what you've told us. I know there are many facilities in Boston, if you decide to go that route. You are not alone and you will get better!
> >
> > sjb
>
>
Posted by johnlund on September 17, 2002, at 20:29:28
In reply to Re: Hospitalization? -- Thanks everyone, posted by audrey on September 16, 2002, at 21:55:50
Audrey;
I've been in the hostipal twice in Minnesota. Its not great, but it has its benefits. In most hospitals now, there is a lot of group therapy, and other activities to do. It depends on which part of the ward you are on.
I know one girl who didn't want to leave because she said we were her true friends and she didn't have any on the outside.
Actually you make a quite a few friends because people share their true feelings, and when that happens, friendships inevitably come from that. However, it does get lonely at night because people want to go to sleep with their own families. That is hard. But I believe it helps most people, and keeps them safe until the right medication is found to relieve the depression.
Take care and good luck.John
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