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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by corafree on December 5, 2005, at 9:13:31
Hi. It's Corafree.
I am constantly having suicidal thoughts.
To bring you up-to-date, been on Valium 10mg x3 a day since nervous breakdown in March. At that time d.c.'d Eff-XR and began Prozac (no side effects - had used in past - wanted to stay on a low key AD after being on Eff-XR.) My P has increased the Prozac; doesn't seem to help; but sometimes forget to take two a day; sometimes I think I do it purposely as I am afraid it will exacerbate anxiety kept intact w/ the Valium.
I also d.c.'d trazodone for sleep. I wanted to scale back all these ADs. I take Excedrin-PM.
Oh, and one more med, Neurontin 300mg at sleep for my back injury. My PCP started it then inreased to 600 and I'd awaken all dizzy, wobbly, disoriented, so went back down to 300. I'm not sure .. but possibly was feeling better during day tho' on the 600mg and just putting up w/ the morning dizziness. My memory is shot.
I believe the Neurontin is causing me to dream.
Dreams - I think all the people I love (alive and passed away) are around me and with me. I awaken calling their names to find no one and my terrible reality of being alone, just existing, sets in. This happens every night, so I fear going to sleep.
I have two surgeries coming up some time .. have to keep putting off for $ or other reasons, so cannot seek work.
I can't get out and walk as I've moved to a nice place in the middle of a bad area.
A pain doc I've just met has said he wouldn't have a prob' prescribing Topomax. I wonder if that would help my mood .. sadness?
I've told my caseworker, my peer support specialist, my doc, over and over, how desperately sad I am. But I cannot go to an inpatient facility unless I am ready to commit an act of suicide, or do. I can't do it; want to, but can't.
The above people are only concerned w/ my move, explained below (BUT).
I had to move here from a smaller place I really loved. 'Here' is bigger, less cozy, know no one, new town, same metro area.
BUT, in a diff' county, and I have to go to a diff' state provider. So, that's all they seem to be worried about..getting me out of their system and into another. Every time I call feeling desperately sad and out of control, the conversation goes to 'oh, well we're working on getting your move done'! I'm having immense trouble hanging on while they're doing paperwork.
I am so lonely and so scared and so confused.
I keep trying to think of ways to end my life, but I really don't want to; something is telling me there is a reason to hang on.
I'm trying very very hard. I just stay in, try to be good to myself, can't drive very well as new area. It's a 'really traffic congested' drive to my old place where all my 'places, docs, etc.' are.
And once I get there, I face the 'really traffic congested' drive back.
Plus, I'll be far from this home here (where I can do little things to comfort myself, like smoke a cig or eat a piece of chocolate or wrap up in my Dad's old throw and pray) alone, anxious, confused, having difficulty making decisions.
I feel like I need a babysitter!
I've asked for a family member to help, and no one is able to be with me.
I have no IRL people to talk to or be with me.
Please, anyone out there that can write to me, about anything, any ideas, maybe meds, new thoughts, feeling good about letting go of a bad relationship, starting over in a new area, meds again, anything, please respond.
Like I said, my P is no support. My T back on other side of town ended w/ DBT ending, and she had always spent at least 15-20 of every session 'scolding me' about being 5min late. I don't need that now! I'm hurting too much.
My children are nearer to me here, but believe me, are untouchable.
I need to find a T that is either Gestalt (never tried that, maybe should) or empathetic. But problem again, w/ this move to a diff' county', have to wait until they've switched me into new system, to find a T! I haven't the cash to pay; have to use the system.
I need you guys. I need your love and support ... hugs - should I be on something better than Prozac with so much Valium - surely hate to go back on Eff-XR after controversy .. but did I feel better then (can't say for sure) and d.c.ing it wasn't hard for me - anything new come out? - any med ideas - treatments - diff' kinds of counseling (when can go) - again diff' meds - your situations - how leaving a bad relationship is supposed to be a good thing - how starting over can be good - back to meds again - anything ... just respond as I feel so desperate.
(I cannot d.c. Valium. I think I've described my nervous breakdown, and know that can never, ever, happen again.)
I am sorry to always pop up here and there in desperation, again asking for your attn, but I hurt soooo bad and the tears just won't stop.
verymuchlove, cf
Posted by Meri-Tuuli on December 5, 2005, at 10:30:59
In reply to S.O.S. (I've even become un-original!!!), posted by corafree on December 5, 2005, at 9:13:31
Hey!
Oh I just want to give you a hug and make it all go away...i'd come round in an instant and help you if I weren't on the other side of the planet... I'm guessing you are in the USA? I know the diffculties - I myself have moved to a new area in a village and I can't drive and I have no friends here and it IS lonely. I find just going to the local library helps - just to get out and see other people! Which is easier said that done, I know.Unfortunately I can't comment on your drug regimen - I have only taken Prozoc and Effexor on your list.
((((((((((((((((((((((Lots hugs and support)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Are there any phonelines in the USA that you can ring?
Posted by Meri-Tuuli on December 5, 2005, at 10:37:56
In reply to S.O.S. (I've even become un-original!!!), posted by corafree on December 5, 2005, at 9:13:31
PS Please Please just go to a hospital if you are feeling suicidal and just can't hold on... ring some of those crisis phonelines (sorry, I don't know the numbers/names in the USA) They are very good.
Please babblemail me and we can email, if you want.
Posted by blueberry on December 5, 2005, at 14:44:44
In reply to S.O.S. (I've even become un-original!!!), posted by corafree on December 5, 2005, at 9:13:31
Tough situation. I sure feel for you. Been there.
In your shoes, what I do is start ditching meds I'm taking and substituting new ones, one at a time, with my doctor's help. Usually people have some decent gut instincts as to which meds are helping, which are not, and which are hurting.
For example, when you take your valium, in addition to it calming you down, does it lift your spirits a bit or do you feel a bit of sinking spirits? If it's lifting, keep it. If not, try substituting...xanax for example can have an antidepressant effect different than the other benzos. Keep the valium on hand if the new one you try gives problems.
Trazodone...yuck...ya know, honestly, not many people like this med. There are better sleep meds. Even miniscule doses of doxepin, zyprexa, seroquel, or elavil would be nice to substitute. And with any of them, all you need is a couple days trial. Keep the traz on hand just in case.
Antidepressants...go for something different...anything...just different from whatever isn't working.
Pain...I don't have any experience there. I do know that with valium in your bloodstream, gabapentin is just going to amplify the dullness and downness you are feeling.
It's tough. We're all there with you.
Posted by Phillipa on December 5, 2005, at 19:09:53
In reply to Re: S.O.S. (I've even become un-original!!!), posted by blueberry on December 5, 2005, at 14:44:44
Corafree I'm still here E-mail me okay? You may not have my new address thought I sent it to you. But babble me if you don't. Love Phillipa/Jan
Posted by corafree on December 6, 2005, at 16:25:25
In reply to Re: S.O.S. (I've even become un-original!!!), posted by blueberry on December 5, 2005, at 14:44:44
Tks all ..
Yep, I've seen here on Internet where it looks as though Valium may probably go better w/o Neurontin, and maybe w/ Effexor-XR instead of Prozac.
I had no difficulty quitting Effexor-XR before and was actually always on-the-fence about it, as felt it was somewhat effective for me, but there were so many scare tactics about it, and so I decided to ask to d.c. it.
The State program here took me way back off Xanax nearly a year ago .. then marking 'no more Xanax on my chart' .. it was horrible. They started Klonopin (low dose) and then just stopped it.
It was about a month later I had the nervous breakdown.
I cannot go inpatient anywhere in this huge metro area w/o being suicidal or having begun that process, and I am not going to do that just to get into a center, where I will then be treated like a criminal .. that whole policy su*ks!
I hate to make my own choices, but I think it's my only alternative - Valium, Effexor-XR instead of Prozac, no Neurontin.
My P is only concerned w/ getting me transferred to a different REBA in the State, since I 'was moved' (I say that because it was not my choice.) to a different county.
I am totally, totally agoraphobic. Haven't changed my clothes as am tooooo cold. Everyone seems to have deserted me and I feel they think I have more control over this than I do.
Please let me know 'what ya' think' .. anyone.
I have everything I need right here at my home.
Thank you so much for contacting me.
Please don't stop.
(((((TKS))))) bestwishes,cf
This is the end of the thread.
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