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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by blueberry on May 22, 2006, at 17:58:02
But I feel like it is getting real close. I never ever imagined things could get so out of control.
The problem is that I am having major problems just getting started on any kind of medication, let alone therapeutic doses.
On a 1 - 10 scale, where 8=severely depressed; 9=lost all hope, crying, despair; 10=suicide or hospital...I bounce back and forth between 8 and 10. Recent days have been 9 or 10.
Tried to restart faithful prozac. It shot me from a 7 to a 10 in 48 hours. After a week of wash out, lexapro did the same thing. Both drugs also made me feel "insane" when I woke each morning. Very distressing. My doctors said it is anxiety not insanity.
Did restart zyprexa at 2.5mg, was on 5mg for years. It has helped very slightly, and other problems have cropped up. I wake in the morning with a subtle tremor or quiver that is in my entire body, kind of like if I was laying on a vibrating bed. My hands shake and my thumbs twitch like parkinsons. I'm stuck though, because when I went off zyprexa last time it was absolute horror. I had hoped it would help me gain back some much needed weight, and it hasn't. I'm 6' tall, used to weigh 142 lbs, and now weight 130 lbs. The only zyprexa benefit is I sleep good and my loud ears have quieted down to a tolerable level.
I'm scared to death to take any meds because of the frightful things that have happened, and yet I'm scared to death not to. My GP gave up on me as I am way over his head. My NP who specializes in psychiatry told me today there isn't any more she can do if I don't do what she says (take 10mg zyprexa, 1000mg depakote, and 30mg cymbalta, and as much xanax or klono as I want). I told her I can do that, but not on my own. I need to be in a controlled environment. I'm seeing a new psychiatrist in a few days, but it is an initial consultation and I doubt he is going to be able to do anything right off the bat, since he doesn't know me and one hour is not enough time for him to get to know all that is happening.
Anyway, I have no idea what the hospitals here are like. But I'm getting the gut feeling that unless something breaks in my favor real fast, I'm going to find out.
Posted by BrianBoru on May 22, 2006, at 18:58:24
In reply to I don't want to go to the hospital..., posted by blueberry on May 22, 2006, at 17:58:02
I can tell you from personal experience that Prozac can make you feel anxious, agitated, and suicidal. Consider that - perhaps you might want to stop it for a short time and see how you feel. I did and the improvement was dramatic. And please, stay away from the hospitals. You won't get well there. They will simply drug you into a stupor so that you have no idea how you feel and they don't have to be bothered with you.
Posted by linkadge on May 22, 2006, at 20:02:58
In reply to Re: I don't want to go to the hospital..., posted by BrianBoru on May 22, 2006, at 18:58:24
I agree about hospitals. Only go if you're going to commit suicide. It is hard to get better there, but they will probably stop you from doing it.
As far as meds go, I don't know what will help you the most.
Have you ever tried remeron ?
Linkadge
Posted by UgottaHaveHOPE on May 22, 2006, at 21:11:23
In reply to I don't want to go to the hospital..., posted by blueberry on May 22, 2006, at 17:58:02
Blueberry, you need to be somewhere safe while you get stabilized. Do you have family you cay stay with? Or friends? Or perhaps know someone through church?
My heart goes out to you.
Posted by Phillipa on May 22, 2006, at 21:41:47
In reply to Blueberry, do you have family you can stay with?, posted by UgottaHaveHOPE on May 22, 2006, at 21:11:23
Blueberry when I worked in a psych hospitals were good places to get well. Now the last time I was in one it was not a good place. No groups that were theraputic, unless you're suicidal and need to be in a safe enviorment I'd say no. Unless you can afford a very good one. Private. Or can you afford to have someone come and stay with you? Where do you live, country or state it does make a difference as the ones up North are better than down South. Love Phillipa ps and you do know a lot about meds
Posted by jedi on May 23, 2006, at 3:01:06
In reply to I don't want to go to the hospital..., posted by blueberry on May 22, 2006, at 17:58:02
Hi blueberry,
I can't remember if you have tried the tricyclics. For someone with endogenous, melancholic depression and anxiety nortriptyline would seem like a good option. Sure hope you feel better soon.
Take care,
Jedi> But I feel like it is getting real close. I never ever imagined things could get so out of control.
>
> The problem is that I am having major problems just getting started on any kind of medication, let alone therapeutic doses.
>
> On a 1 - 10 scale, where 8=severely depressed; 9=lost all hope, crying, despair; 10=suicide or hospital...I bounce back and forth between 8 and 10. Recent days have been 9 or 10.
>
> Tried to restart faithful prozac. It shot me from a 7 to a 10 in 48 hours. After a week of wash out, lexapro did the same thing. Both drugs also made me feel "insane" when I woke each morning. Very distressing. My doctors said it is anxiety not insanity.
>
> Did restart zyprexa at 2.5mg, was on 5mg for years. It has helped very slightly, and other problems have cropped up. I wake in the morning with a subtle tremor or quiver that is in my entire body, kind of like if I was laying on a vibrating bed. My hands shake and my thumbs twitch like parkinsons. I'm stuck though, because when I went off zyprexa last time it was absolute horror. I had hoped it would help me gain back some much needed weight, and it hasn't. I'm 6' tall, used to weigh 142 lbs, and now weight 130 lbs. The only zyprexa benefit is I sleep good and my loud ears have quieted down to a tolerable level.
>
> I'm scared to death to take any meds because of the frightful things that have happened, and yet I'm scared to death not to. My GP gave up on me as I am way over his head. My NP who specializes in psychiatry told me today there isn't any more she can do if I don't do what she says (take 10mg zyprexa, 1000mg depakote, and 30mg cymbalta, and as much xanax or klono as I want). I told her I can do that, but not on my own. I need to be in a controlled environment. I'm seeing a new psychiatrist in a few days, but it is an initial consultation and I doubt he is going to be able to do anything right off the bat, since he doesn't know me and one hour is not enough time for him to get to know all that is happening.
>
> Anyway, I have no idea what the hospitals here are like. But I'm getting the gut feeling that unless something breaks in my favor real fast, I'm going to find out.
Posted by CEK on May 23, 2006, at 9:19:15
In reply to Re: I don't want to go to the hospital... » blueberry, posted by jedi on May 23, 2006, at 3:01:06
Blueberry, I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I feel the same. You try and try to find a med that will make it all go away and nothing seems to work. My illness is only getting me further in debt with no good coming out of it. Suicide is on my mind everyday. I've been hospitalized twice for the uncontrollable urge to end it all. The first time in Feb. of this year when I was in the hospital all they did was keep me on my same meds and kept me in a controlled environment where they thought it would be impossible to kill myself. They treated me like a criminal in jail. They even did a complete body search when I came in. I had to take off all of my clothes in front of two women!! They take away your shoe strings and if your pants have a string in the waste, they cut it out.( they don't want you or anyone else using these as a means of hurting yourself.) There were two wards, one for people like us, severely depressed and wanting to die, and then the ward for the more seriously mentally disabled that can be dangerous. I would meet with my pdoc for 5 minutes each day and about 10 min. with my councilor. The rest was group therapy which did absolutely no good. Most people didn't want to cooperate. There was no time to myself, where I could go and be alone. If they gave you meds that made you sleepy,like Klonopin (this was the first time I ever took it.)and you felt like you were going to fall out, they would not let you sleep. They would make you go to group anyway drugged up. There were no tvs in the rooms, only in the group room which was only on from 4-10 and then everyone was always fighting about what to watch. Phone time was limited to 5 minutes per call at certain hours which caused more fighting amongst patients. If you wanted to shave, heaven forbid, you had to do so with a nurse or tech in the bathroom watching you.(no thanks, I'd rather look like wooly mammouth.) Then they would send patients from the other ward over that they thought had progressed enough to be in our ward. Some were not ready to be there. There was this one loud manic I mean extremely manic bipolar woman that would not shut up and would follow you around. Crap! None of this was helping. And how can meeting with your pdoc and councilor for such a small amount of time help you? The pdoc, misdiagnosed me since she spent no time hardly with me and I received no benefit from my stay at all. All I got out of it was a $1600 bill for 6 days staying there.(this was after my insurance paid.) They gave me no literature about my illness or anything else benificial for me to read during their tv time and half the time when it was time to get your meds, the pharmacy didn't have them and you would have to go without. 3 months later and not feeling better, still not able to find any meds to help and money problems getting worse,(short term disability checks being stalled or coming 3 weeks late, not being able to afford treatment, regular bills ect.)I was ready to commit suicide again. It was such an uncontrolable urge and I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to do. I knew I didn't want to go back into the hospital, but I thought maybe a different hospital would be different. That maybe there they could stablize my meds and keep me sedated or something until they started to work. I called my pdoc and he sent me to a different hospital. Basically, same crap, different day. This was April 29-May5. The only good thing about this hospital is that they allowed you smoking breaks. The other one put smokers on the patch and would not let them smoke which you know only made matters worse for some people. My pdoc before I went into the hospital had me on only Klonopin to help mellow out my anxiety until all the other meds they tried were out of my system. Then we were going to try something else. Well this hospital was completely anti-Klonopin and refused to give it to me for the first 3 days that I was there. For the first 3 days there, they gave me no meds other than my allergy medicine. Those 3 days, when I was the most suicidal of my life, they left me there with nothing to help. I was looking for ways to climb the chest of drawers to get to the lightbulbs to try to see if I could get one and cut my throat with one. I called my husband several times and cussed him and threatened divorce and everything under the sun if he didn't get me out of there. I would be damned if I was going to stay there and pay them tons of money to get no treatment! He thought I needed to stay. On my 4th day, my pdoc started me on Depakote 1000mg and would only allow me to take the Klonopin every 8 hours. If I dared ask for it, they would treat me like an addict and I would have to explain myself for why I was taking it and for how long ect. There were 60 people in my ward and it was very loud and nerve racking. And then there were the manic bipolars that would back you into a corner and not shut up. I just wanted to be alone and couldn't even get away from them! At smoke break (we would go out women only, then men only) all the women would do was bitch and moan and cuss about everything. That was the last thing I wanted to hear. You would only get to meet with your therapist once ever seven days and the rest was group which was filled with people talking amongst theirselves and the rest just wanted to complain in group about the staff at the hospital. There was nothing theraputic about that. On my sixth day when they would finally let me leave, I got the pleasure of having to go down to the billing office to find out about my bill.$3600.00 after my insurance paid, and again for nothing. Oh yeah, and they had major "crazies" on my ward. Two were cussing and punching walls and having fits all the time until they lashed out at the techs and tried to escape and got slammed to the floor. It was very scary. I was inches away from one of those experiences that involved this one wildeyed man that could've really hurt me. Hey, I was just wanting to do away with myself, not get the crap beat out of me by some out of control man twice my size. When I called my pdoc from the hospital about the experience, he was really ticked off and called the hospital about it. After all of that, he stopped the Depakote because he thought it was making my depression worse. Well, this is my story on my hospital situations, and yes, I'm in the south so things may be better else where. Right now, when the suicidal thoughts get too bad, I'll take enough Klonopin to make me sleep and try to sleep it off. I tell my mother and my husband and let them know how I'm feeling and let them keep watch over me. I will not volentarely go back into the hospital again. For now, I am just fighting it day by day waiting for something, anything to work. Blueberry, I feel your pain. I just don't know what to tell you to do to help. I wish I knew, then we could help each other. Try to keep holding on and I will too. I wish you the best. Love, CEK
Posted by SLS on May 23, 2006, at 9:33:42
In reply to I don't want to go to the hospital..., posted by blueberry on May 22, 2006, at 17:58:02
I find that I get some relief using Zyprexa at 10mg. I think it has an anti-suicide effect. Perhaps 2.5mg is just too low to be of any help.
I wish I had a better answer for you.
- Scott
Posted by blueberry on May 23, 2006, at 18:08:29
In reply to Re: I don't want to go to the hospital...blueberry, posted by CEK on May 23, 2006, at 9:19:15
Wow, that's quite a story. My heart goes out to you bigtime. I wanted to let you know your story touched me deeply and I wish I could reach out to you. I want to thank you very much for taking the time and thought to put it all together and share.
Next time you are feeling really really bad, post something here like "blueberry question for you" or whatever. I'll be there for you.
Posted by BrianBoru on May 23, 2006, at 20:21:30
In reply to Re: I don't want to go to the hospital...blueberry » CEK, posted by blueberry on May 23, 2006, at 18:08:29
My short experience in a psych hospital (3 days) was about what CEK describes. Avoid them at all costs. Unless you're talking about a state hospital (the worst) they are privately owned- profit-making institutions which don't make money if they don't keep their patients as long as possible. That usually means until the patient's money or benefits run out. They'll drug you up and let you sit doing nothing all day long. Not an antidote for depression.
Posted by CEK on May 23, 2006, at 21:03:25
In reply to Re: I don't want to go to the hospital...blueberry » CEK, posted by blueberry on May 23, 2006, at 18:08:29
Thanks blueberry. You're in my prayers. Love, CEK
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 23, 2006, at 21:42:39
In reply to Re: I don't want to go to the hospital...blueberry, posted by BrianBoru on May 23, 2006, at 20:21:30
> My short experience in a psych hospital (3 days) was about what CEK describes. Avoid them at all costs. Unless you're talking about a state hospital (the worst) they are privately owned- profit-making institutions which don't make money if they don't keep their patients as long as possible. That usually means until the patient's money or benefits run out. They'll drug you up and let you sit doing nothing all day long. Not an antidote for depression.
I think American needs a new way of managing medical care. That's why I think. This "managed care" system is a misnomer.
Lar
Posted by helpme on July 1, 2006, at 18:13:36
In reply to Re: I don't want to go to the hospital...blueberry » BrianBoru, posted by Larry Hoover on May 23, 2006, at 21:42:39
Dear Blueberry,
I suggest you do anything ANYTHING humanly possible to stay out of the hospital, unless you have a damn good current and verified guarentee it''s ok there in the one you choose. And i mean it- if you are suicidal, maybe you have family, etc who can talk you through it. My own hospital stay, at a "top teaching hospital", "the best" in my big city, was a living nightmare out of the 18th century. Let's call it, just hypothetically, "Northwestern Memorial Hospital" of Chicago. They put depressed and anxious but otherwise nice, sane normal people in with raging and violent scary psychotics who scared the living daylights out of the rest of us. One staffer let me know, yes, they were dropped off by the police who collect them nightly- no where else to keep them. The staff repeatedly pondered, "So, are you anxious? Guess you're not ready to leave yet". This, after a man would barge into my room, another spent his time staring at me, giggeling to himself (masterbating), someone spit in my food, a lady threatened to kill me--convincingly. What did the staff do? Say I was "anxious" and took some more notes. When I didn't "socialize" with these scary and creepy people, they said I was "isolating myself"--more evidence I wasn't ready to leave. I stayed in my room freaking out for my safety and sanity, damning myself for being fool enough to being talked into going in. Mentally ill was all the same to them. And on intake they asked me my level of education. When I said :"grad degree", the intake person looked at me and said, "so, you are trying to tell me that YOU managed to COMPLETE graduate school? Do you know what that even is?" I guess mentally ill=retarded. When my voice and temper snapped as result, they put me into an "isolation room". I was accused of trying to commit suicide, too- when I did nothing of the sort. I lost all rights and credibility there. No one believes the mental patient- they believe "the staff". When I finally managed to get out after a week, I had about a year of nighmares. Even if I get hit by a truck, I will NEVER visit an emergency room again due to the intense fear I still have from the experience. I still do not trust mental health workers due to their severe failure of judgement in this setting.
Posted by helpme on July 1, 2006, at 18:16:48
In reply to Re: I don't want to go to the hospital... » blueberry, posted by SLS on May 23, 2006, at 9:33:42
I agree- zyprexa sucks badly, but is very effective to relieve a suicidal depression and lift you out of being hospital material. Your use of it can be temporary- you may end up groggy, feel odd, and gain weight- but that's better than becoming severely traumatized or terrorized. You'll lose the weight later and wake up once you stabilize.
> I find that I get some relief using Zyprexa at 10mg. I think it has an anti-suicide effect. Perhaps 2.5mg is just too low to be of any help.
>
> I wish I had a better answer for you.
>
>
> - Scott
This is the end of the thread.
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