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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by SLS on November 16, 2010, at 5:57:12
In reply to Re: FML!!!! *trigger about self injury* » floatingbridge, posted by maxime on November 15, 2010, at 20:45:38
> It really hurts right now. But I guess I deserve the pain since I did this to myself.
Do you believe that you deserve the illness that compelled you to act in this way?
I am curious to see how you reply to this question.
- Scott
Posted by morgan miller on November 16, 2010, at 16:40:38
In reply to Re: FML!!!! *trigger about self injury* » maxime, posted by SLS on November 16, 2010, at 5:57:12
> It really hurts right now. But I guess I deserve the pain since I did this to myself.
You haven't done anything to yourself. None of this is your fault. I really wish you could get in to see a therapist, any therapist.
Posted by floatingbridge on November 16, 2010, at 17:58:58
In reply to maxie » maxime, posted by floatingbridge on November 15, 2010, at 22:28:32
> We don't deserve pain. No one does. It just happens because we are human.
>
> (((big hug)))
>Hi Maxime
How is your day going? I wanted to temper my post a bit. My intention was to take the 'blame' out of the equation. As your friend, I stick up for you. You do not deserve pain, part of being human is to know pain, and being human we can set our intentions toward diminishing pain. Kindly as one would treat a child.
((((*)))))
Posted by Maxime on November 16, 2010, at 18:01:54
In reply to Re: FML!!!! *trigger about self injury* » maxime, posted by SLS on November 16, 2010, at 5:57:12
> Do you believe that you deserve the illness that compelled you to act in this way?
>
> I am curious to see how you reply to this question.
>
>
> - ScottHi Scott, this is so hard to answer. In the 1990s I was a victim of a ramdom act violence. I was raped and beaten beyond recognition. I still have not fully dealt with what happened and I suffer from PSTD. When I received a BabbleMail from someone saying that their husband was very mad with me and wanted to Babble Mail me, I freaked out! Flashbacks to the event. Zoned out and cut myself.
I do feel responsible for what happened to me that dark night in the 1990s. I was walking in a dark and secluded area. I should have known better than to walk in an area like that. If I hadn't been there, I would not have been raped and beaten.
Now I have PSTD and for I don't feel responsible for that. I can't. Even though I feel responsible for the event that caused the PSTD in the first place.
Does any of this make sense because it sounds confusing to me.
Maxie
Posted by Maxime on November 16, 2010, at 19:48:22
In reply to Re: Why do I feel like jumping off a bridge? » maxime, posted by hyperfocus on November 15, 2010, at 23:20:42
> Just want to say I hope you feel better. I don't have anything to offer besides what other babblers have said but I just want you to know I'm rooting for you. I know what it's like to feel like life isn't worth living - I've been in that place many times, believe me. It will pass, I promise.
>
> Have you considered amitriptyline? It's an effective AD and sleep aid and very good for certain types of pain in small doses. You'll need an expert to manage you if you take it together with your Parnate though.Thank you for rooting for me. I appreciate it so much.
I have considred Amitripyline. The only reason why I don't want to try it is the weight gain. I was taking Nortriptaline and gain A LOT of weight. I used to be underweight before I started the Nortriptaline back in September. I am now very overweight to the point where my GP is worrying about weight! I wonder if it would cause weight gain in a small dose?
Posted by SLS on November 16, 2010, at 19:57:04
In reply to Re: FML!!!! *trigger about self injury* » SLS, posted by Maxime on November 16, 2010, at 18:01:54
> > Do you believe that you deserve the illness that compelled you to act in this way?
> >
> > I am curious to see how you reply to this question.
> Hi Scott, this is so hard to answer. In the 1990s I was a victim of a ramdom act violence. I was raped and beaten beyond recognition.Oh my God!
Oh, no.
Oh my God!
I am so very, very sorry.
> I still have not fully dealt with what happened and I suffer from PSTD.
> When I received a BabbleMail from someone saying that their husband was very mad with me and wanted to Babble Mail me, I freaked out! Flashbacks to the event. Zoned out and cut myself.
Gosh. No wonder.
> I do feel responsible for what happened to me that dark night in the 1990s.Okay. I'm listening...
> I was walking in a dark and secluded area. I should have known better than to walk in an area like that. If I hadn't been there, I would not have been raped and beaten.
Do you view everything in life as being cause-and-effect?
It is absolutely true that your decision to travel along a certain path led you to harm. However, it was not your decision to be harmed. That decision was made by the perpetrator. It is on him, not on you. You cannot place the responsibility for the behavior of another on yourself. I doubt you will relieve yourself any time soon of the responsibility for the profound changes this event had in your life. After all, it was your decision to be at the wrong place at the wrong time, right? Wrong. You had no such intentions to be attacked. Was there a lapse in judgment? Perhaps. I don't know what information you were working with at the time. Was there a sign saying "Do Not Enter - Rapist"?
You are blaming yourself for creating the cause that led to the effect. Why do you not blame the rapist as being the true cause of the effect?
In retrospect, and with the advantage of time to deliberate your decisions, you might now conlude that you exercised bad judgment. At the worst, it was an honest mistake. You did not decide to be raped when you chose your path. The rapist did.
> Now I have PSTD and for I don't feel responsible for that. I can't. Even though I feel responsible for the event that caused the PSTD in the first place.
>
> Does any of this make sense because it sounds confusing to me.It makes perfect sense to me. I believe that you are a member of the majority of rape victims who blame themselves for the rape. How tragic.
If you haven't already researched the self-blame phenomenon for rape victims, it might be worth the research to help you to better understand your feelings.
- Scott
Posted by Maxime on November 16, 2010, at 20:37:13
In reply to Re: FML!!!! *trigger about self injury*, posted by morgan miller on November 16, 2010, at 16:40:38
> > It really hurts right now. But I guess I deserve the pain since I did this to myself.
>
> You haven't done anything to yourself. None of this is your fault. I really wish you could get in to see a therapist, any therapist.Yes, I do need a therapist. I am trying to get into a free program for low income people. I called about 3 weeks ago. I should do a follow up call this week. But if something is free there will be no doubt a very long wait for the service.
Posted by Maxime on November 16, 2010, at 20:47:05
In reply to Re: maxie, addendum » floatingbridge, posted by floatingbridge on November 16, 2010, at 17:58:58
> > We don't deserve pain. No one does. It just happens because we are human.
> >
> > (((big hug)))
> >
>
> Hi Maxime
>
> How is your day going? I wanted to temper my post a bit. My intention was to take the 'blame' out of the equation. As your friend, I stick up for you. You do not deserve pain, part of being human is to know pain, and being human we can set our intentions toward diminishing pain. Kindly as one would treat a child.
>
> ((((*)))))Hi FB. You a good and loyal friend. Thank you.
My day was okay. My classes went really well. I love all the seniors so much! I really care about them. If they don't show up for more than two classes I always phone them to make sure that they are ok. I listen to them talk about their aches and pains and why they couldn't make it to class. Not all of my students are "true seniors" meaning some are 55 which imho is NOT a senior. I am not as close to them as I am the older ones. They tell me how much they love my classes and how much they are learning (and they really are doing well) and often I get hugs at the end of the class. I am really grateful for my job. When I am thinking of suicide or even planing it I try to think of how much it would upset them because I know it would.
I am really tired and sad. Even my PJs aren't cheering me up.
Posted by morgan miller on November 17, 2010, at 0:03:54
In reply to Re: FML!!!! *trigger about self injury* » morgan miller, posted by Maxime on November 16, 2010, at 20:37:13
Sorry I keep mentioning therapy, I'm sure you are already frustrated as it is that you are having a hard time finding a free therapist. I hope you get in on this free counseling service soon.
Hang in there!
Morgan
Posted by floatingbridge on November 17, 2010, at 1:09:58
In reply to Re: FML!!!! *trigger about self injury* » Maxime, posted by SLS on November 16, 2010, at 19:57:04
Maxime, you are very brave for posting. I am so, so sorry to hear you were so brutally assaulted. I am blown away and feel a little ill, but that's o.k. I rather you post openly. I'm here.
I have so many questions, so much...anger and outrage. But this is not the time or place or even my business, because you need to tell your story in your own way and time to whomever you decide. But I firmly believe you must tell it. I feel that your life really does depend on it. And I value you. I want you here.
Oh my God, sweetie. You just are not at fault. Scott said it so well.
What does one do after living trough the nightmare? I don't know. I hope you
find out.Blessed hugs.
Posted by Maxime on November 18, 2010, at 19:58:44
In reply to Re: Why do I feel like jumping off a bridge? » hyperfocus, posted by Maxime on November 16, 2010, at 19:48:22
REALLY bad day today. Got stressed and everything went downhill. Almost drove off the road ... but didn't see the point of that. Now driving off the road and hit a large tree at a high speed might work. Or I might just end up a vegetable. I wish there was someone to help me.
Posted by Maxime on November 18, 2010, at 20:02:20
In reply to maxie » SLS, posted by floatingbridge on November 17, 2010, at 1:09:58
I don't want to tell my story any more than I already have here on the boards.
Posted by floatingbridge on November 18, 2010, at 20:16:54
In reply to Re: maxie » floatingbridge, posted by Maxime on November 18, 2010, at 20:02:20
Hi Maxime,
I apologize for stating advice so dramatically. I feel everyone has the ability and right to find their own way. I can understand not wanting to discuss certain events--I really can :(
Sorry to hear your day was so awful. I wish for a better day for you tomorrow.
Posted by Maxime on November 18, 2010, at 21:24:30
In reply to Re: maxie » Maxime, posted by floatingbridge on November 18, 2010, at 20:16:54
> Hi Maxime,
>
> I apologize for stating advice so dramatically. I feel everyone has the ability and right to find their own way. I can understand not wanting to discuss certain events--I really can :(
>
> Sorry to hear your day was so awful. I wish for a better day for you tomorrow.You have nothing to apologise for. I just saw this post. Prior to seeing it I just wrote you a long BM in response to the one you sent me. But when I finished I got the message that your BM was turned off. :( I will try again when and if you turn your BM back on.
Sigh. I wish the abbreviation wasn't BM.
Posted by Deneb on November 18, 2010, at 22:33:52
In reply to Re: Why do I feel like jumping off a bridge?, posted by Maxime on November 18, 2010, at 19:58:44
Hey Maxime,
I just wanted to give you some support. You sound like you're in a really bad place. It will get better. ((((Maxime))))
Posted by emmanuel98 on November 18, 2010, at 23:03:13
In reply to Re: Why do I feel like jumping off a bridge? » Maxime, posted by Deneb on November 18, 2010, at 22:33:52
Maxime - I'm so sorry you're going through such a difficult time. Is there anything that pulls you out of this, even temporarily -- work, exercise, TV, reading? Please try to hang in there and use distactions as they suggest in DBT. Do little things mindfully, Walk and focus on that. Count your steps. Breathe deeply -- count in for five, hold for five and exhale for five. I don't know if any of this will help. I had a hard time using DBT techniques when I was in the depths of it. But it might just give you a little breathing space.
Posted by floatingbridge on November 19, 2010, at 0:12:39
In reply to Re: Why do I feel like jumping off a bridge? » Maxime, posted by Deneb on November 18, 2010, at 22:33:52
Deneb, I so appreciate your presence here :)
fb
Posted by floatingbridge on November 19, 2010, at 0:28:35
In reply to Re: maxie » floatingbridge, posted by Maxime on November 18, 2010, at 21:24:30
I'm sorry (wait, I'm apologizing!). I hate (really) losing a long babblemail after I've written one. I was feeling twitchy again, so I turned it off.
Yes, I alternately dislike and snicker at the abbreviation. My aggressive spell-check (that both you and Deneb have met) fills it in for me, so I don't need to abbreviate. The one praise I have for it.
I hope you can get some good rest tonight. I've been waking up at 2:30-3:00ish and take sonata. Or 4:30-5:00ish and, well, take nothing, because I would need to be up before it wore off.
Oddly, though, today the cymbalta rev'd me up. Good during the daytime, but not now :( Had less pain--and what I did have I could work with.
Posted by Maxime on November 21, 2010, at 16:15:24
In reply to Re: Why do I feel like jumping off a bridge? » Maxime, posted by Deneb on November 18, 2010, at 22:33:52
Thank you Deneb. Your kind words mean a lot to me. Things are still bad. Worse, because it's a Sunday. Everything is always worse on a Sunday.
I hope you job is going well.
M.
Posted by Maxime on November 21, 2010, at 16:19:14
In reply to Re: Why do I feel like jumping off a bridge?, posted by emmanuel98 on November 18, 2010, at 23:03:13
Hi Emmanuel
Thank you for your post, and sorry for my delay in replying.
I find that if I practice my DBT skills that I don't get THIS bad. But once I am this bad, I can't seem to undue it. There is a lot of stuff going on in my life right now that just makes me want to check out ... forever.
Thank you for reminding me to be mindful.
Maxime
Posted by Maxime on December 13, 2010, at 21:12:39
In reply to Why do I feel like jumping off a bridge?, posted by maxime on November 12, 2010, at 21:53:57
Well I did go to jump off the bridge. It's one of the 10 suicide bridges people are most likely to jump off in North America. Imagine that, in my own city! You cannot imagine how upset I was to find out that they had put up an suicide barriers! I just sat there and cried as traffic whized by me.
Posted by SLS on December 14, 2010, at 5:02:27
In reply to Re: Why do I feel like jumping off a bridge?, posted by Maxime on December 13, 2010, at 21:12:39
Dear Maxime,
> Well I did go to jump off the bridge. It's one of the 10 suicide bridges people are most likely to jump off in North America. Imagine that, in my own city! You cannot imagine how upset I was to find out that they had put up an suicide barriers! I just sat there and cried as traffic whized by me.
I wish I could crawl inside your head in order to know the demons that plague you. I can't be sure, but I still suspect that your preoccupation with suicide has at least some psychological underpinnings that would still exist in the absence of your depressive disorder. While your medical treatment has you feeling somewhat better, you might elect to use this time to examine where in your psyche lies the need for escape. Considering your lack of funds for psychotherapy, you might want to use the Internet to look for suggestions on how to attack the psychological aspects of an obsession with suicide. I don't know if the Psycho-Babble Psychology board would be of use, but you might want to start a thread over there.
One thing that deserves a prominent position in evaluating all of this is that there is a neurobiological substrate for suicidality that usually presents with anger, hostility, aggression, or significant anxiety. There may be no psychological component to your focus on suicide at all. I wish I could somehow know wherein your best treatment lies.
If it helps, keep posting. If not, you might want to drop in every now and then just to say hello and let the community know that you are still alive and kicking. You might even want to post an announcement of your current need for taking a sabbatical.
Get well soon.
- Scott
Posted by Maxime on December 14, 2010, at 20:49:05
In reply to Re: Why do I feel like jumping off a bridge? » Maxime, posted by SLS on December 14, 2010, at 5:02:27
Scott, I really appreciate your taking the time to respond to my post considering what you are going through now.
Actually, I am not doing well at now. This is quote from a post I made below:
"My depression is very bad. I force myself out of bed in the morning and I have my shower. In the shower I sob and sob and sob. Then I get on with my day. I go to work. I go to my car at lunch and sit in it and sob and sob. Wipe my eyes, and go back into work. Leave work, before putting the car into drive I have another crying session. Then the last one I have is when I first get into bed. No one has a clue of how bad I am doing with the exception of my pdoc. I'm still on the Parnate but clearly it is not working very well but there is nothing left for me try. So I stay on the Parnate."
I know that people think that because I can get up and go to work that I am ok. But the truth is that I am not.
I will still post from time to time here, but not as much as before because I don't feel safe here anymore. But my Babble Mail will always be so that people can contact me and so that I can contact them.
Maxie
Posted by emmanuel98 on December 14, 2010, at 21:03:30
In reply to Re: Why do I feel like jumping off a bridge? » SLS, posted by Maxime on December 14, 2010, at 20:49:05
I hope you keep posting Maxine. I worried about you a lot when you were blocked. It sounds like you need all the help we can muster. Do try posting on the psych board. People might be able to help you get through this suicidality. I have been there and it is extremely painful.
But last summer, I came within seconds of killing myself, then turned back at the last minute. I might very well have been unable to turn back. It's just luck that I am still here. The other day, I thought about what I had done and began shaking and rocking back and forth and crying. It terrified me that I came so close. I can't beleive I felt that way. I am lucky to be alive and glad I still am. I hope you will feel that way soon.
Posted by SLS on December 15, 2010, at 4:24:28
In reply to Re: Why do I feel like jumping off a bridge? » SLS, posted by Maxime on December 14, 2010, at 20:49:05
Hi Maxie.
> Scott, I really appreciate your taking the time to respond to my post considering what you are going through now.
>
> Actually, I am not doing well at now.I can see that. I am really sorry to see that you are being tortured so.
Restart nortriptyline? This is an obvious choice.
Add Trileptal? Trileptal might do a nice job of mitigating anger and impulsivity and therefore reduce suicidality and self-injury.
I hope you come back to post soon. Safety is a matter of perception, I guess. Your perceptions are what matter most. Maybe with time, your wounds will heal and you will come back stronger.
Perhaps the construction of suicide barriers on your favorite bridge are providence. Is someone trying to tell you something? Perspective.
- Scott
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