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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Jade on September 2, 2000, at 17:11:58
My nineteen year old daughter left for university today. She is living with a close friend who has been attending this school for 2yrs now.
I have been excited about her going and looking forward to having my space to myself to study, as I am a student as well. The day before yesterday I was suddenly hit by the thoughts of her leaving and was so saddened by it. Today when saying goodbye I was so overwhelmed with tears but unsure of the emotions. When I arrived home it hit me again and I am feeling so overwhelmed.
Is this to be expected over a period of time and for how long? Anybody been through this?
Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Thanks
Jade
Posted by Jade on October 11, 2000, at 11:23:41
In reply to Empty Nest?, posted by Jade on September 2, 2000, at 17:11:58
You have thrown out the better part of the last several one-gallon jugs of milk, but still can't bring yourself to buy the one-quart cartons.
You called the power company and asked them to check your meter, because the hot-water bill has been way too low.
You suddenly realize that you no longer need to include video late fees as part of the monthly budget.
You are shocked when you notice you can push the buttons on the car radio and KNOW what station you will get.
The bottle of shampoo has been in the shower so long you are starting to think it might be a mystical experience - kind of a loaves-and-fishes thing.
They've been gone three years and you still cook enough for your husband to have seconds and thirds. . .and fourths.
You still walk through the living room in the crouched position with your picking-up hand brushing the floor, even though it encounters no dirty socks.
You ask the mechanic to check why your car is costing so little to run.
Your cupboards overflow with uneaten school lunch treats.
You still hide your best make-up.
Posted by Jade on October 11, 2000, at 11:32:27
In reply to You Know You Have Empty Nest Syndrome When......, posted by Jade on October 11, 2000, at 11:23:41
News You Can Use--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Empty nest syndrome: For the birds
University Relations
News Bureau (662) 325-3442
Contact: Brooke Adams
July 31, 2000STARKVILLE, Miss-With the back-to-school season approaching, parents whose youngest child is heading off to college may worry over the so-called "empty nest syndrome."
Don't be too concerned, advises an associate professor of psychology at Mississippi State University. Why? Because empty nest syndrome "is a myth," says Carolyn Adams-Price.
"Most parents actually are happier when their children leave the house," she adds. "They have more private time together and many times marriages improve."
Since parenting teenagers can be very stressful, it may almost be a relief when all the kids finally have left home.
Adams-Price says parents usually feel "satisfaction and pride" when their children enter college because of the realization that they have successfully launched the child into the larger world. If there are sad feelings, the cause may be a realization that they didn't spend more time with their children during adolescence.
With the added free time, parents usually find time to do things they may never have done. Many couples begin to travel or begin new hobbies. Some women who have never worked may return to college or begin a career.
"Of course, there will be times when parents miss their children, especially in the first few weeks," Adams-Price says. "Most likely, however, homesickness is more common with the children than with the parents."
Communication is the key for helping homesickness, she adds. For parents experiencing loneliness for a child, she recommends telephone calls and, if available, e-mail.
"E-mail can be the best way to stay close because the child can answer the message when he or she wishes. Parents sometimes can feel discouraged when they telephone a child and he or she is not there to answer."
For questions or information about this page, contact Kay Fike Jones.
For questions or information about Mississippi State University, contact msuinfo@ur.msstate.edu.Last modified: Tuesday, 01-Aug-2000 14:39:54 CDT.
URL: http://msuinfo.ur.msstate.edu/~dur/nycu/emptynest.htm
Mississippi State University does not discriminate.
Posted by Jade on October 11, 2000, at 11:48:05
In reply to You Know You Have Empty Nest Syndrome When......, posted by Jade on October 11, 2000, at 11:23:41
Clinical Reference Systems: Behavioral Health Advisor 5.0
The Empty Nest Syndrome
What is the empty nest syndrome?
The empty nest syndrome refers to the time in family life after the children have grown up and moved on to college, work, marriage, or their own independent lives. For parents, this can be a time of strong feelings. Some experience joy, fulfillment, and relief. Others feel loneliness and anxiety, or a mixture of both good and bad feelings.Some couples enter a second honeymoon period. Single parents can now date without worrying about what their children think. Parents are free to focus on their own financial, emotional, and social needs.
So why does it hurt so much?
For some parents, this time is marked by the pain of loss and the anxiety of letting go. They may find themselves asking: "What is my purpose in life?" "My work is done. Who needs me?" Or they may feel bitter: "Look what all my hard work has gotten me now."Single parents may have an even harder time than couples. They may have to reinvent almost every aspect of their lives and may feel more alone than ever before.
In each phase of life there are tasks to be accomplished. When children leave home, it is the parents' task to make the transition from full nest to empty nest. Those who do not, live in the past. Those who do, look toward the future.
How can I better understand this change?
Change itself -- whether moving, marriage, having children, or letting children go -- is very hard, and it is normal to be confused and upset.How you deal with this change can affect you for a long time. It is best to deal with it when it first occurs by planning, talking about your feelings, and getting concerns out in the open. Not doing so only allows the feelings of loss, fear, anxiety, and low self-esteem to grow stronger. When this happens, you may begin to feel that things are out of control.
You can make things easier by doing some of the following:
Don't run from the problem. Pretending nothing has changed will harm you in the long run.
Recognize that this is a difficult time for you. Single parents especially may feel very alone.
Single parents should plan on having someone to lean on for a few weeks. If your children know you have someone, they can relax, and you'll feel better, too.
Talk to your spouse about your feelings. You may find you share the same emotions.
If you and your spouse have been putting off dealing with problems until the children left home, start dealing with these problems now. Otherwise, you may build another pattern of avoidance.
Too close or too distant?
This is also the time to examine the relationships among family members. Pay particular attention to how emotionally close or distant people are to each other.If a parent and child were particularly close, they may have a hard time separating emotionally. If you find that all you think and talk about are your children, you may be hurting more than you realize. You need to remember that parents and children need to develop their own lives.
Being too distant can also present problems. You may be pushing your children away emotionally, perhaps because you are angry or resentful that they want to leave you. This can lead to lasting feelings of bitterness and anger.
You may feel guilty for not having spent more time with your children when they were home, and this guilt may stop you from paying attention to your own needs. The best time to make an extra effort to get close to your children may not be soon after they leave home but after they have had some time on their own.
Here are some ways to help let go of your kids in a healthy way:
Be clear with adult children that they are free to make their own way in life.
Encourage your children to maintain relationships with each other. Siblings can be great support for each other once they have left home.
Focus on the successes and strengths of your children.
Recognize that they are adults now and it's up to them to let you know if they need you.
What can I do?
Do a life inventory. Think of all the things you have been waiting to do once you had the time.
Work to establish a more adult rapport with your children. Seeing them as adults will help you treat them as adults.
Really think through what you want to happen in the next 10 to 20 years. Remember, when you had children you planned ahead 20 years, so plan now for the next 20.
See if you are having recurring negative thoughts about yourself ("I did a bad job as a parent." "I'm just going to grow old and die alone." "No one needs me anymore.") If you are, try to change these thoughts. Get validation from friends that they are not true.When might I need professional help?
While this is a normally difficult time, there are some warning signs that you may need help from a professional. You may need help if:There is a significant decrease in your ability to do the things you used to do regularly, like work and socialize.
There is a significant change in your sleep cycle or in how much you eat or weigh.
Several months later you are still markedly unhappy, anxious, or upset or you feel you cannot deal with the change.
You and your spouse are becoming more distant and not addressing what it means to be living without children at home.
Written by Daniel Rosen, C.S.W.
Published by Clinical Reference Systems, a division of HBO & Company.
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