![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Susan47 on February 26, 2005, at 3:01:42
she has no self-confidence. She's so beautiful and smart and full of life, (aren't all our daughters?) but she can't see it and she can't play it out. I don't know what to do anymore. She gets crushes on boys which are really worrisome because they consume her, she's frustrated because she feels she's a year behind in school and she feels dumb ... she won't practice her singing, she has the most beautiful voice you've ever heard in a child, honest to God, a pure sweet soprano that she just belts out in such beautiful innocence but she thinks she can't sing. This Saturday she was supposed to serve at a pasta dinner the choir's putting on, serving and singing, you know? But she's cancelling out, she won't go. This is a choir she had to audition for, seriously, right up to what's important to you in life kind of questions, who's your favourite singer, what's your favourite kind of music? They travel too. You know how choirs travel. Omigod this child is throwing her life away and I don't seem to have any control!!! HELP!!!
Posted by TamaraJ on February 26, 2005, at 3:01:42
In reply to Anybody have any Advice? My daughter, posted by Susan47 on February 24, 2005, at 11:56:27
I don't really know what to say because I was the exact same way as your daughter when I was younger (minus the talent of course). I am sure you have done this, but I will ask anyway. Have you asked her why she feels she does not measure up? Sometimes people, particularly young people, struggle with self-confidence and singing their own praises because they don't want to appear conceited or egotistical. It can be a real struggle for some - if I see the good in myself, and how accomplished and talented I am, then I will become overly self-centered and drive people away. It can take a while for someone to become comfortable exuding or displaying confidence about their abilities and good qualities. I agree with you, though, it is a shame when someone with so much talent and potential can not recognize and embrace their gifts. Keep talking to her, reassuring her, encouraging her. Hopefully she will be able to believe in herself soon.
Tamara
> she has no self-confidence. She's so beautiful and smart and full of life, (aren't all our daughters?) but she can't see it and she can't play it out. I don't know what to do anymore. She gets crushes on boys which are really worrisome because they consume her, she's frustrated because she feels she's a year behind in school and she feels dumb ... she won't practice her singing, she has the most beautiful voice you've ever heard in a child, honest to God, a pure sweet soprano that she just belts out in such beautiful innocence but she thinks she can't sing. This Saturday she was supposed to serve at a pasta dinner the choir's putting on, serving and singing, you know? But she's cancelling out, she won't go. This is a choir she had to audition for, seriously, right up to what's important to you in life kind of questions, who's your favourite singer, what's your favourite kind of music? They travel too. You know how choirs travel. Omigod this child is throwing her life away and I don't seem to have any control!!! HELP!!!
Posted by sunny10 on February 26, 2005, at 3:01:42
In reply to Re: Anybody have any Advice? My daughter » Susan47, posted by TamaraJ on February 24, 2005, at 12:49:12
Maybe you both need to take some time together pampering yourselves... you know, a "because we're worth it" kind of day.
You are one of the most creative people I know... put together a "spa day" for the two of you at home.
Build her up "it's not a special day, we're doing this just because you're wonderful and special and so am I"...
Little things show a lot.
Also remember that children notice everything- if you're upset about "love", she may be afraid of it...
Let her know that you know you will find that special someone again, and that you know she'll find someone special to her.
I have chats like this with my son,too!!! And we "pamper" ourselves with stuff like baking cookies- well, just 'cause I figured that the mani's and pedi's just weren't going to cut it with him!!!
MWAH
Posted by mair on February 26, 2005, at 3:01:42
In reply to Anybody have any Advice? My daughter, posted by Susan47 on February 24, 2005, at 11:56:27
Posted by Susan47 on February 26, 2005, at 3:01:42
In reply to How Old is She? (nm) » Susan47, posted by mair on February 24, 2005, at 17:08:58
Posted by justyourlaugh on February 26, 2005, at 3:01:42
In reply to Re: Anybody have any Advice? My daughter, posted by sunny10 on February 24, 2005, at 14:17:24
i have 2 girls..11 and 13..
my em plays the piano beautifully..it took her years to play infront of anyone..years before she would stay in class by herself..
i transfered over to a music school..it was like night and day..
does your princess have a daddy?
maybe she throws herself into "crushes" because she is looking for male validation?
sorry if i am off base..
how we worry..
j
Posted by Susan47 on February 26, 2005, at 3:01:43
In reply to Re: Anybody have any Advice? My daughter, posted by justyourlaugh on February 24, 2005, at 19:31:31
I think music school is the way to go, but that's just from personal experience, being someone who's had her own experience of "learning" from a parent. I don't think that ever works, does it? But especially not when the parent is a freak. My son learned at the Conservatory and that was good .. not excellent, but good. My god the theory teacher he had one year was a complete disaster. And the personalities you have to deal with sometimes... oi. Those musical types, I'll tell ya. Anyway, obviously things are better with my daughter now or I wouldn't be feeling quite this chatty... she sang in front of the school tonight, at a talent show .. a capella ... wearing the gown I made her ... apparently she won resounding applause, cheers and all ... she sang straight to two of her crushes in the first verse, then out to friends in the second ... people were coming up to her dad and telling him that her pitch, her voice, her timing were all perfect. (sigh)
Posted by Susan47 on February 26, 2005, at 3:01:43
In reply to Re: Anybody have any Advice? My daughter, posted by Susan47 on February 25, 2005, at 1:28:46
Somehow my ex- got a video of her performance on his computer... he tried to send it to me this morning but failed but it's there, I can see it sometime, even if I have to go over there to do it, I can see it. Yes. The cheering afterwards was outrageous. What a school.
Posted by AuntieMel on February 26, 2005, at 3:01:43
In reply to Anybody have any Advice? My daughter, posted by Susan47 on February 24, 2005, at 11:56:27
This is that horrible age where girls do lose self confidence. They try so hard to be popular and fit in, but they try to do it by copying others, not by using their own talents.
My daughter (gifted program since kindergarden) decided at that age that it wasn't 'cool' to be smart, and the friends she picked teased her about it so much she played dumb for a few years.
Sports helped a lot. She wanted to join a soccer team a neighbor was on even though she'd never been athletic. It turned out she was very good - fast enough to be sweeper and fearless enough to be center fullback - and ended up on competitive teams. Her middle school had a team and she was the top scorer.
It helped me, too. Through that I learned a sneaky way to get information on everything she's up to.
Posted by Susan47 on February 26, 2005, at 3:01:43
In reply to Re: Anybody have any Advice? My daughter » Susan47, posted by AuntieMel on February 25, 2005, at 11:19:08
Wow, her achievements must've been fulfilling to witness, as a parent. I love that about kids finding their natural talents. Yes. I hope I don't have to ever be afraid of what she's up to. She's at an age now where we could lose her if we're not careful.
Posted by jay on February 26, 2005, at 3:01:43
In reply to Anybody have any Advice? My daughter, posted by Susan47 on February 24, 2005, at 11:56:27
Daughters - by John Mayer
I know a girl she puts the color inside of my world
She's just like a maze, where all of the walls all continually change
And I've done all I can to stand on the the steps, with my heart in my hands
Now I started to think maybe it's got nothinging to do with meFathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers, who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters tooOh you see that skin, it's the same she's been standing in
Since the day, she saw him walking away
Now she's left cleaning up the mess he madeSo fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers, who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughter tooOh
Boys you can break find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong, boys soldier on but
Boys would be gone without warmth of a womans good good heartOn behalf of every man looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of the worldSo fathers be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too
So mothers be good to your daughters too
So mothers be good to your daughters too
Posted by AuntieMel on February 26, 2005, at 9:58:49
In reply to Re: Anybody have any Advice? My daughter » Susan47, posted by AuntieMel on February 25, 2005, at 11:19:08
Well, it didn't change her and give her confidence overnight and she's still working on it, but it did keep her off the streets.
You didn't ask about my sneaky method, but I'll tell you anyway.
First you get her interested in *any* after school activity that involves a bunch of kids. Next you buy a minivan.
Before long you'll be driving a whole group of them to this activity. So, to be nice you let them choose the radio station and change it so all the music comes out of the back speakers.
End result: They have to talk loud to be heard over the music, but they somehow think you can't hear them. Don't join the conversation - ignorance is part of the strategy.
You'll hear enough to know *everything* they are up to.
Posted by Dinah on February 26, 2005, at 10:08:35
In reply to Re: Anybody have any Advice? My daughter, posted by AuntieMel on February 26, 2005, at 9:58:49
lol. I'm going to save that post, Mel. :)
Posted by stresser on February 26, 2005, at 11:10:54
In reply to Anybody have any Advice? My daughter, posted by Susan47 on February 24, 2005, at 11:56:27
Oh Susan.....I'm just now getting around to reading your post, and my thoughts are with you. I just don't have the time right now to type everything out. I will get back on it later today, ok? WE are there with you now, my daugher and I, and when I say we are having a good day, I have to hold my breath....because it's not over yet! This parents board is wonderful, and I think it will help many of us. Let's stick together and help one another as much as we can. Gotta go......The rest later....-L
Posted by AuntieMel on February 27, 2005, at 11:39:46
In reply to Re: Anybody have any Advice? My daughter, posted by Dinah on February 26, 2005, at 10:08:35
One time I said something in response to something they said and she chewed me out for evesdropping.
Posted by stresser on February 28, 2005, at 12:46:40
In reply to Anybody have any Advice? My daughter, posted by Susan47 on February 24, 2005, at 11:56:27
ok Susan,
I have a daughter who will be 17 in a couple of months and is just like yours. She has lost her motivation and self-esteem over the last several years. I have watched my beautiful smart girl gain 40 pounds, and see her grades slide from A's to C's and D's. I wonder where my baby has gone. We are taking her to a psychologist and found out she is bipolar, and she is now on medication. I have convinced him to let her try Adderall, and it in the past several weeks, her grades have improved. We will see how this plays out in the next month or so. I do know how hard this is, every day is a crisis for us....if there isn't one, then she makes one! Post back when you can.-L
Posted by Susan47 on March 24, 2005, at 18:49:45
In reply to Re: Anybody have any Advice? My daughter » Susan47, posted by stresser on February 28, 2005, at 12:46:40
I'm posting back, thank you everyone for your help... crisis has passed a bit, it was upsetting but I've found out they won't throw her out of choir, they've really been stellar about everything, how much she's missed and all.
But great, good news now. A lovely, sweet, good friend of mine is recording a professional-quality CD for distribution, she's invested her life savings and more in this venture, and she asked my daughter to sing, and this morning she did, we went to the recording studio and it was wonderful, fabulous. She's going to have her own voice only, it's the most beautiful music I've ever heard, not just her singing but the entire album is rock solid, it's for mums and babes, and when she played me some yesterday I was in tears, and apparently everyone is having that reaction to her music. Go, girl friend! It's so wonderful to be close to someone with that kind of chutzpah, don't you think? I mean, this is a person who's living her dream, and she's telling me I'm wise ... it's incredible. Friends, now see how this got turned into friends when it was about my daughter ... hmm .. my daughter is my friend, she really is, and I'm hers. We really like each other, but not all the time ...
Posted by Susan47 on March 24, 2005, at 18:54:26
In reply to Re: Anybody have any Advice? My daughter, posted by justyourlaugh on February 24, 2005, at 19:31:31
I'm sorry to get back to you so much later, I haven't had much posting energy. This is a brand new board for me to be on, and it takes some getting used to, to come here. But I like it. I think I'm going to learn a lot, and feel a lot less lonely in my parenting with this board under my belt .. About what you said, my daughter and her dad have always been tight. Like, when she was an infant he would be up all night rocking her, just looking adoringly at her little face .. I was terribly jealous, and would get angry with him for holding her so much. Can you imagine? What an idiot I was. I was so unbelievably not myself, for years and years I lived like that, before I even met my last SO. Oh, way off track, I'm sorry. Anyway she really is her daddy's little princess. And you have two like that, so of course you would know :-) Lucky you. I love having a daughter. Two would be absolutely amazing. I'm not too old, yet. Really. But I am insane.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Parents | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.