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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by daisym on May 21, 2005, at 23:00:57
I have a son with an anxiety disorder. He will be entering high school next year. His older brothers will both be away at Universities, one a Junior and one a freshman. So essentially, he turns into an only child.
Currently my son is not on medication. He has in the past been on paxil, which he did well on. He's been in therapy since 6th grade (wow, almost 3 years) going 1x per month most of this year. We increase when we need to and decrease as well. The current plan is that he goes back in August to make a plan and get ready for high school.
One of the major stressors for him is that his dad is sick so much and has unpredictable mood swings. A month ago dad spent 8 days in the hospital. I wasn't home when the crisis hit...I was on a business trip. My youngest was home alone with him (big brother was at rehersal) so he ended up having to "make" dad go to the emergency room. Totally his nightmare. Since then he has hidden in his room ALOT. He resisted going to the hosptial to visit unless I insisted. Now that dad is home and much better, he still is hiding in his room a lot.
I asked him if he wanted to go see his therapist. He says "no, it is over. I don't need him." But I'm worried. Is he just turning into a teenager (he is 13) or is this a quiet return to an overwhelming anxious state. He has had multiple stomach aches, always a sign that he is anxious and has missed school here and there. I have made him go other times, even with a stomach ache.
I almost picked up the phone on Friday and called his therapist. I could send an email too. But I don't know if I'm over reacting. When do you step back and let them decide if they should go or not go?
I guess I don't trust my judgement since I am pretty anxious about all of this myself.
Posted by Pfinstegg on May 21, 2005, at 23:40:21
In reply to Listening to your gut, posted by daisym on May 21, 2005, at 23:00:57
It sounds like you already did listen to your gut. That was such a terrifying thing for him to have to try and deal with- and thirteen is just so hard, anyway. Can you talk to him a bit more, and see if he is able to express his worries to you more? I do think it is good to respect the fact that he's getting older, and should have a say in what happens about the frequency of his therapy, but, honestly, he sounds quite scared.
Posted by daisym on May 22, 2005, at 0:50:28
In reply to Re: Listening to your gut » daisym, posted by Pfinstegg on May 21, 2005, at 23:40:21
I think you are probably right. I think he is very freaked out by what happened. It was better when he was younger and could come in and let me hold him and comfort him after stuff like this. I noticed he has our kitty sleeping with him at night now too.
I think I'll send an email. It is hard for me because his therapist is always reminding me that the goal for him isn't that he doesn't get anxious...it is that he deals with it and it doesn't interfere too much with his life. I, as his mom, wish he never had to feel anxious. :(
I'll probably look like an over-protective mother again. But I guess better that then letting something fester. Kids should come with instructions running across their foreheads!
Posted by Pfinstegg on May 22, 2005, at 0:56:51
In reply to Re: Listening to your gut » Pfinstegg, posted by daisym on May 22, 2005, at 0:50:28
Posted by Dinah on May 22, 2005, at 8:20:10
In reply to Re: Listening to your gut » Pfinstegg, posted by daisym on May 22, 2005, at 0:50:28
You know how we all are. We'd like to pretend we're doing better than we are. I'm sure your son isn't so different. It's possible he's angry with himself for not handling it "better". My son is at the age where he's getting lots of positive feedback about going to the therapist. But that may well change over time. (Or maybe not, it's a new world out there.)
Posted by Daisym on May 25, 2005, at 1:15:03
In reply to That's what I'd do » daisym, posted by Dinah on May 22, 2005, at 8:20:10
I called my son's therapist today. He was so sweet when he called back, "first, how are you?" -- and he gave me some good pointers on how to approach things with "a teen." (*sigh*) He said to remind him that coming in always seems to help and if nothing else they could talk football. I just love this guy!
So when I got home today I sat on one couch and my son sat on the other and I casually said, "I talked to your therapist today." His head didn't come up but his eye brows did. So I told him that I thought the last month had been really tough and he seemed so stressed and I wondered how he was dealing with it, given all the stomach aches. At first he said, "death week is coming up, so yes, I'm stressed." (death week is finals week) Then he said, I think I'm worried about going to the high school. And he got tears in his eyes! So we talked about the changes that were happening to our family and how did he feel about being the only kid left at home? He sighed and said he was going to have to do all the yard work now. (hide that grin). I nodded and said, "hmmm, so you are going to be right in the line of fire with your dad. I'd be stressed about that too." He rattled on a little bit about how unfair his dad is sometimes and I looked at him and said, "it sounds like you are angry with him. I'd be angry too if my dad refused to go to the hospital when he couldn't breathe." He looked at me and then told me again how bad it was and how scared he was and how it took dad 2 hours to decide to go. I took a deep breath and said, "would it have been your fault if dad had died?" He fell apart, said no, but he had thought about this a lot and next year was going to be really scary with no brothers here. By this time he had moved to my couch. I asked him why he hadn't talked to me about this and he said because he didn't want me to feel sadder and because it was OK now. He'd put it in a box. (Gosh, he sounds like me.) At some point during this conversation he moved away from me and into the computer chair. I looked at him and said that therapy was a really good place to talk about stuff if he didn't want to share it with me, even though I thought I could handle it. And I asked him if he felt he could cry with his therapist. He said he hadn't, but he probably could, but he didn't want to. He'd make jokes instead. (Yup, totally me.)
I feel so bad for him. He is carrying around so much stuff. I told him I wanted him to think carefully about this and tell me tomorrow. But that I, as his mom, thought it would be a good time to check in. So, we shall see.
Thanks for helping me follow through. I get hung up on what is my stuff and what is his. I don't want to project feelings on him that he doesn't really have.
Posted by Pfinstegg on May 25, 2005, at 6:45:35
In reply to An update, posted by Daisym on May 25, 2005, at 1:15:03
Daisy, thank you for letting us know. I am so impressed with your ability to put the most terrifying aspects of the whole thing into words for your son. I didn't know about the struggle over going to the hospital-that, alone, must have been extremely traumatic for him. I bet it helped him a lot that you modelled for him how to put the most painful feelings into words. I hope he does go to his therapist more often, and I'm confident he deosn't feel quite so alone, now, because of what you did
Posted by daisym on May 26, 2005, at 0:44:49
In reply to Re: An update » Daisym, posted by Pfinstegg on May 25, 2005, at 6:45:35
I feel like a new parent sometimes, feeling my way through all of this. They are all so different, aren't they?
I worry that I am so attached to my therapist that I think my son is/should be too. I forget that his major attachment is to me. :) I'm still glad we are going in next Friday. It will be a way to regroup for both of us.
Sometimes I wonder, when he is 40, if he will complain to his therapist, "my mother was so over-protective she MADE me go to therapy when SHE was anxious" -- kind of like I complain about my mother making me put on a sweater because SHE was cold.
*sigh*
My therapist tells me everyone has something to talk about in therapy related to their parents. My response was, "yes, but I thought they'd talk about their DAD!"
Posted by annierose on May 26, 2005, at 7:23:09
In reply to Re: An update » Pfinstegg, posted by daisym on May 26, 2005, at 0:44:49
A++++ Daisy -
Your conversation with your son was so lovely. I think you handled that perfectly, I love that he came over to you at one point. Even as they grow older, they still need us.
My daughter also sufferes from anxiety. When I have these conversations, sometimes I get stuck. I so worry what the next sentence should be, what's the right word, what will help. My own therapy, it is helping me, help her "Speak to her as you wished your mother would have" my T always says.
Thanks for posting this.
Annierose
Posted by Daisym on May 26, 2005, at 13:01:19
In reply to Re: An update » daisym, posted by annierose on May 26, 2005, at 7:23:09
Annie,
How old is your daughter? Is she in therapy or on medications? We had our son on paxil for awhile but he is off now.
My son has the added stress of two older brothers who are over-achievers and have tremendous self-confidence. I tell him I love his tenderness and sensitivity. He makes faces at me. :)
Posted by annierose on May 26, 2005, at 19:57:56
In reply to Re: An update » annierose, posted by Daisym on May 26, 2005, at 13:01:19
Daisy -
Yes to both your questions. She has been in therapy for 18 months now, and on Zoloft for the anxiety. Her p-doc was thinking about trying to wean her off the Zoloft this summer. I'm hoping she can stay on through puberty, it has really helped her, and her dosage is quite low (25 mg) She is 11 years old.
She has a younger brother that has tons of charm and social grace. Although he is only 6 years old, everyone knows his name at school. All her friends want to play with him at lunch recess. Drives her crazy. She told me yesterday that all her problems began the day he was born. She really wanted me and her dad all to herself.
Luckily, she starts middle school in the Fall. I think this fresh start could be a good thing, except for the clickiness of girls and puberty. I feel she has my high energy level, combined with her father's intense personality. Not a good combination!! Lethal.
My son literally wakes up singing every morning. My daughter wakes up screaming, "I don't have anything to wear, what's the weather? ..."
On the positive side, and I search for positive signs continually, her therapists did tell me that once she works through this sibling jealously, she is an independant thinker that will serve her well into adulthood. I just have to get her there in one piece.
Thanks for asking, children are hard work. But you are almost on the home stretch!!
Posted by Daisym on May 27, 2005, at 19:32:19
In reply to Re: An update » Daisym, posted by annierose on May 26, 2005, at 19:57:56
Gotta watch out for us independent thinkers, we aim to take over the world! Or at least our corner of it. :)
The transition to middle school was a nightmare for us. He went to school less and less and less. Too many stomach aches. And then one day he had a panic attack right in front of me. My oldest has diabetes and I've seen reactions from low blood sugar -- this was just as super-scary. I thought the kid was going to pass out. Our middle schools are 6,7,8th grades. I'm hoping the transition to high school in the fall is no where near as traumatic for him (or me!)
One of my friends has a very high energy, intense daughter. She started her in Tennis and it has been a life saver. My middle son plays too and it is a great sport for getting worn out completely and you get to smack the sh** out of ball so you feel very, very satisfied. Good stress release. You might try it.
Posted by annierose on May 27, 2005, at 20:35:15
In reply to Re: An update » annierose, posted by Daisym on May 27, 2005, at 19:32:19
Don't scare me anymore than I already am re:transition to middle school!! Yes, it's 6, 7, and 8th grade here as well.
I live in the midwest. She loves her summer swim team. She is the happiest after practice, jumps starts her day. However, she refuses to join a winter team. I signed her up last fall, and after several tearful rounds after practice, we decided (husband and I) it wasn't worth the fight.
Unfortunately, my daughter has had a few panic attacks too. A year ago, my son & I were involved in a car accident that she witnessed. Then, a few months ago, on the way home from her p-doc, we came across a fatal car accident. Police diverted us away from the scene, but it was clear, something terrible had just happened. My daughter threw up and experienced some post traumatic stress.
My heart aches for her. I just wish she could breathe in and out more slowly and not over think everything. She has a new friend over right now, and I'm crossing my fingers and toes.
I feel my T has helped me deal with my daughter more than her T. Her T keeps everything fairly confidential, as I would expect, but shares little of the global picture as well. My T will give me concrete help.
Posted by morning*bell on August 7, 2005, at 17:19:46
In reply to An update, posted by Daisym on May 25, 2005, at 1:15:03
Daisy,
You seem wonderfully in touch with your relationship with your son.Your post brought tears to my eyes...thinking how lovely it would be to have a parent that cared that much and was as delicate and present as you were in that conversation with your son.
Keep talking to him!
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