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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by happyflower on October 5, 2005, at 19:10:34
I remember reading that you tend to parent how you were parented. I knew my parents were abusive and didn't know what they were doing. I remember my mom saying one time," I don't need to read a parenting book on how to be a parent."
Thank goodness I saw another way of parenting through TV, Cosby Show, Brady Bunch, Leave it to Beaver, etc.
Well before I became a parent I read every parenting book I could find, because I wanted to do it right, and not screw up like my parents.One thing I do different is I don't spank my kids like I was. There are other effective ways to disapline a child. Yes, it might take more time and effort, but it is worth it I think. But what ever way you deceide to do it, consistantly is the key and you have to do something to teach them. My kids always know that if they do wrong, they will get a result they don't like grounding, timeout, etc. They are not allowed to physically or emotionally hurt each other. If they have disagreement they must use their voice respectively torwards each other, and not resort to hitting or name calling. It works most of the time. LOL
Another thing I do is teach my kids respect and manners. We eat at the table, not in front of the TV (unless it is a special event). They have learned table manners by seeing what is expected of them. I can take them into any really nice restaurant, even as toddlers, and they would behave wonderfully most of the time.
Another thing I do is let them know how much I love them and that I am there for them. If a kid can count on their parent, and get plenty of attention, they will not act up for attention. If my kids need a hug, all they have to do is ask, and they do sometimes.
Parenting is so hard, but worth it. I am so glad I didn't turn into my parents version of parenting.
Posted by muffled on October 5, 2005, at 19:10:34
In reply to Breakingthe cycle of abuseWhat do you do different, posted by happyflower on October 3, 2005, at 13:51:17
> I remember reading that you tend to parent how you were parented. I knew my parents were abusive and didn't know what they were doing. I remember my mom saying one time," I don't need to read a parenting book on how to be a parent."
> Thank goodness I saw another way of parenting through TV, Cosby Show, Brady Bunch, Leave it to Beaver, etc.
> Well before I became a parent I read every parenting book I could find, because I wanted to do it right, and not screw up like my parents.
>
> One thing I do different is I don't spank my kids like I was. There are other effective ways to disapline a child. Yes, it might take more time and effort, but it is worth it I think. But what ever way you deceide to do it, consistantly is the key and you have to do something to teach them. My kids always know that if they do wrong, they will get a result they don't like grounding, timeout, etc. They are not allowed to physically or emotionally hurt each other. If they have disagreement they must use their voice respectively torwards each other, and not resort to hitting or name calling. It works most of the time. LOL
>
> Another thing I do is teach my kids respect and manners. We eat at the table, not in front of the TV (unless it is a special event). They have learned table manners by seeing what is expected of them. I can take them into any really nice restaurant, even as toddlers, and they would behave wonderfully most of the time.
>
> Another thing I do is let them know how much I love them and that I am there for them. If a kid can count on their parent, and get plenty of attention, they will not act up for attention. If my kids need a hug, all they have to do is ask, and they do sometimes.
> Parenting is so hard, but worth it. I am so glad I didn't turn into my parents version of parenting.Yeah. I'm trying to be a good parent also. I already done some screwing up, but I'm gonna do much better. Its hard to be a great parent when you don't understand your own self. But I'm working on that too. I tell my kids that their Mom isn't perfect but she loves them SO much.We really got to work on our manners. I'm bad for that. That was a nice post. THX.
Muffled.
Posted by thuso on October 5, 2005, at 19:10:34
In reply to Re: Breakingthe cycle of abuseWhat do you do different, posted by muffled on October 3, 2005, at 14:51:57
I'm no parent...yet! But I am crossing my fingers for the same thing. I knew as a little kid that I wanted my kids to be raised differently. Yeah, I know that sounds weird, but I wanted to be a mom at 6 years old...according to my mom. I guess that is what happens when at that young an age, you take on the role of a parent in the house. Anyways, all growing up I would find kids my age who I thought respected their parents and other people. I would then intently watch their parents and how they parented my friends. I learned soooooooo much doing that. I still do that even now.
We'll see when I have kids if all that studying stuck or if I catch myself falling into my parents' patterns. Keeping my fingers crossed...that and I'm hoping to marry someone who was raised correctly and knows instictively how to be a good parent. ;-)
It's encouraging to hear of people who had bad parents, yet turned into great parents. :-)
Posted by greyskyeyes on October 5, 2005, at 19:10:34
In reply to Breakingthe cycle of abuseWhat do you do different, posted by happyflower on October 3, 2005, at 13:51:17
I am having such a struggle with this. I love my son so much, and I try to show him as much as I can. My parents never were (still aren't) the type to hug or say "I love you", so I do it all the time with my son. He's a big hugger. :) And I try to encourage him with everything, clapping and saying "Yay!" whenever he does something, even if he doesn't succeed. Like right now he's trying to learn how to tumble. He keeps falling over sideways but I still applaud him. He loves that kind of encouragement.
But there's this hideous side of me that angers easily and reacts violently to frustration. I can't keep myself "in myself" when that happens (does that make sense? my T says it sounds like I dissociate). I haven't hurt my son - the worst I've done is lightly slap him once - but I am so scared that one day I might. I'm leery of using spanking as a disciplinary method because I'm afraid I'll lose control. My father had a quick, violent temper and unfortunately I seem to have internalized that way of reacting. We are INTENSELY working on this in my therapy. It's so hard. :(
My T recommended a great book:
"Healthy Parenting: How Your Upbringing Influences the Way You Raise Your Children, and What You Can Do to Make It Better for Them"It was painful reading (brought back a lot) but is very sensitively written and I highly recommend it. It's written particularly for adult children of alcoholics but applies to anyone with a "traumatic" upbringing (my T's description, not mine).
~ grey
Posted by happyflower on October 5, 2005, at 19:10:34
In reply to Re: Breakingthe cycle of abuseWhat do you do diffe » happyflower, posted by greyskyeyes on October 4, 2005, at 10:06:32
It sounds like to me you have stopped the cycle, which isn't always easy. It sounds like you and I have had simular childhoods, and I think sometimes in the heat of the moment we resort to what we have learned from our parents. You son sounds very young. It gets a little bit easier each day if you are committed to changing.
What does your T do for this? I would interested in how they deal with breaking the cycle. I will have to check out that book. It sounds like to me you are doing a wonderful job with your son, he is luckey to have you! :)
Posted by muffled on October 5, 2005, at 19:10:34
In reply to Re: Breakingthe cycle of abuseWhat do you do diffe, posted by happyflower on October 4, 2005, at 12:55:12
Its hard. I just yelled at my kids and made them cry. They both talk at once and I told them 'after' that what they say is important to me and I get frustrated when I can't give both my full attn. I hugged them. I feel like sh*t. Its not so easy.
Posted by crazy teresa on October 5, 2005, at 19:23:48
In reply to Re: Breakingthe cycle of abuseWhat do you do diffe, posted by muffled on October 4, 2005, at 18:41:42
Posted by greyskyeyes on October 6, 2005, at 13:40:44
In reply to Re: Breakingthe cycle of abuseWhat do you do diffe, posted by happyflower on October 4, 2005, at 12:55:12
>>> It sounds like to me you have stopped the cycle, which isn't always easy.
Yes and no. I think I've managed to break the cycle of emotional withdrawal that I grew up with. I still have a tendency to withdraw when I get particularly upset, but I think overall I'm much improved. It helps that DH is a very expressive guy (he cries more than I do! :). But the physical part, the tendency to lash out... that's harder. It's so deeply ingrained that it's unconscious. And unfortunately... the only way to work on *that* is practice. Each time I regress I hate, my son is such a sweet little boy and doesn't deserve it. It's so hard... :(
>>> It sounds like you and I have had simular childhoods, and I think sometimes in the heat of the moment we resort to what we have learned from our parents.
Yes, I think so. That's why I like it here. It's nice to 'talk' to people who understand. :)
>>> What does your T do for this? I would interested in how they deal with breaking the cycle. I will have to check out that book.
We deal with it by talk, talk, talking it into the ground! :) Sometimes I wonder how she does it... I must sound like a broken record. I guess the way to break the cycle is to be aware not only that you are perpetuating it, but how your actions are like those of your parents. Does that make sense?
An example... I particularly began to have problems when my son started to develop his wonderful little (toddler) personality. Suddenly the tiny, sweet critter who would lay in my arms and lovingly gaze at me became this strong-willed little *person* (gasp!) who had opinions of his own which did not necessarily reflect mine. I was finally able to verbalize this when he was about 14 months old, that I thought that was part of the reason I often had ambivalent feelings about him. And my T drew a parallel to my mother - how my mother would withdraw when I expressed a contrary opinion; how we cannot to this day converse about topics on which we don't agree. How she still holds a grudge for bringing me to rehearsals/ auditions/ etc. that she didn't want to go to. And by drawing these parallels, I realize where the feelings/ urges/ whatever come from, that they aren't born out of severe pathology but rather a result of my environment of origin. And by understanding them... it is easier to defeat them.
This is why the physical cycle is harder to break - it's a more primitive side which cannot be rationed with.
Definitely read the book!!! But, it's a hard read. The author suggests reading it twice - once for yourself, then for your children. I thought that was odd, but she was absolutely right. I read it 2 months ago and still haven't been able to pick it back up yet.
I'm sorry... I seem to have written a novel here... I have a bad habit of doing that! :)
~ grey
Posted by Pfinstegg on October 10, 2005, at 14:50:04
In reply to Re: Breakingthe cycle of abuseWhat do you do diffe » happyflower, posted by greyskyeyes on October 6, 2005, at 13:40:44
I just have to add here that my son just got married to a wonderful girl, and got his PhD in physics all in one amazing week! My husband and I started trying to learn more loving, constructive ways of raising him as soon as he was born, because we both suffered severe frequent beatings (and me csa) as children. The oither, more subtle thing was that neither of us were ever spoken to with respect -words were just not used as a way of helping us learn how to behave well, solve our problems, or maintain self-confidence and well-being. We both read a lot, attended classes about parenting, and watched how teachers we especially admired interacted with our son. It was all so new to us, but learning it made US much happier and more confident. We knew we were "breaking the cycle", and raising a happy child. He looked so joyful on his wedding day, and actually thanked us in front of everyone for the love and support we had given him. He also told us, privately, that he and his new wife wanted to spend a lot of time with us- to keep our relationship strong. I was in tears a lot of the time- but also felt so tremendously glad and proud. If we did it, anyone can!
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