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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by sometimesblue on February 2, 2009, at 10:51:55
I have an 18 yr old brother who lives with my parents and is out of control.
Here's the background: when I lived with my parents my mom would always ask me to talk to him about whatever trouble/problems were going on. Which I did. One time when I was reprimanding him for something (I can't recall what it was) he pushed me and we got into sort of a physical altercation...but my mom never had my back, not in the sense that she thought he was right, but in the sense that she kind of stayed out of it. After that I told her I was never saying anything to him again because I was doing her dirty work and bearing the grunt of what should be her job. Seemed like she wanted to be his friend and make me the bad guy. By the way, my dad, who lives there is pretty much an absentee father and never gets involved, but rather blames any problems on my mom. Because of their lack of "attention" to him I never wanted to move out...I pretty much put my life on hold because I was afraid that they couldn't handle him. When I did finally moved, he did just as I thought...took run of the house and partied like it was his house, a frat house.
I finally could not sit on the side lines anymore and watch him destroy himself. He has progressively gotten worse...binge drinking, sleeping around, etc. All under my parents roof. I know all this because he does confide in me and tells me about his weekends and his partying. I try to just listen while very subtly giving him my advise. This weekend, as another party went on I called him to see what he was doing (checking in on him if you will) and a girl picked up. I texted him "who was that?" and he replied he was "I'm trying to bang some chick so stop calling." I lost it and finally called my mom to tell her what he was doing under her roof. I got emotional. My husband heard the whole thing. Mind you, he hears me every weekend worry and sometimes crying about him, about him heading down the wrong path. My husband went to the house to try to "knock some sense into my brother" but instead was greeted with hostility and drunken nonsense. It turned into a mess, my brother said some hurtful things to me about me being a sh***y daughter and who was I to talk, told me to stay out of his life.
The next day he sobered up and I suppose regretted what he said...my parents also told him that I am and always have acted in his best interest...so he gestured an apology...not with words but just hugged me.
Thing is, my friend tells me I should stay out of it because I have my own kids and bottom line is that he is my brother, not my child. I feel like I can't NOT do anything. I would never forgive myself if something were to happen to him and I didn't ever try to steer him in the right direction. And I get that he's still young and has to make his own mistakes...but what do I do? I feel like my parents aren't parenting him. And I know this puts a strain on my relationship with my brother, but when you love someone, shouldn't you do everything in your power to guide them? Or am I being controlling?
Any advise would be appreciated....I need an impartial opinion...This situation is breaking my heart, and draining me.
-SB
Posted by Dinah on February 4, 2009, at 22:22:31
In reply to a rant about my out-of-control brother..., posted by sometimesblue on February 2, 2009, at 10:51:55
Do you think it's possible to guide him?
Your parents have some power because it's their house. If they choose to set down guidelines they can do that by telling him that when he lives under their roof he has to abide by their guidelines. If he then chose not to live under their roof, they too would be powerless to influence his choices.
But what can you really do in a practical sense?
If you don't have the power to change him, it makes sense to back off and acknowledge and accept that this is his life, and your parents' lives. They have to be responsible for those lives themselves.
It's not that you don't want to help them. It's just that practically speaking, you have no ability to help them because you have no power.
Given that unfortunate reality, maybe your friend is right. You do have your own kids, and your own family. If your parents decide to do something, you can back them up. If your brother decides to change his life, you can offer to help.
Easier said than done, particularly in a situation where you have been led to believe that you do have power and responsibility. Your parents allowed you, and pressured you, to take on that role. It's hard to shake off that sense of responsibility.
I still struggle with this myself. My parents allowed me to take care of them. Perhaps not my brother, but them definitely. But now I feel some sense of responsibility to stand in their place to my brother. My therapist reminds me that nothing I can do would substantially change my brother's situation until he decides to change his own situation. And confronted with the sheer impossibility of making a meaningful difference, I recognize that I need to step back and stop agonizing about what I should do.
Posted by sometimesblue on February 5, 2009, at 11:06:33
In reply to Re: a rant about my out-of-control brother... » sometimesblue, posted by Dinah on February 4, 2009, at 22:22:31
Ouch. I know, I mean I guess I know...It's just so hard to not say anything or do anything. I love him so much and couldn't forgive myself if I said or did nothing and something were to happen to him. You know teenagers, their hard headed and need to hear things 100's of times before they actually retain what you're saying to them. I know I'm fighting your advise, my friends...I know I am, and I don't really mean to...I've tried not getting involved. I just love him so much, like he were my own kid...This really does sadden me, it breaks my heart.
Posted by Dinah on February 6, 2009, at 22:29:21
In reply to Re: a rant about my out-of-control brother... » Dinah, posted by sometimesblue on February 5, 2009, at 11:06:33
That's part of being a parent, sadly. Or a surrogate parent. Eventually you aren't able to protect them anymore. Even from their own bad choices.
I often tell my son that power comes when he has responsibility. That when he is on his own in the world, with his own job, and his own place, etc. that he will have the power to make his own rules. My son is totally ok with rules, so he just rolls his eyes and says "Of course!"
But the reverse is also true. It's impossible to have responsibility if you have no power. You're carrying the burden, but you aren't really responsible because you just don't have the power.
It's ok to try to help him the best you can of course. But please try to lessen the burden on yourself of feeling responsible for the outcome.
Posted by Dinah on February 7, 2009, at 4:50:24
In reply to Re: a rant about my out-of-control brother..., posted by Dinah on February 6, 2009, at 22:29:21
But of course I really do not know how much power you do or don't have. Which makes what I just said totally irrelevant.
Posted by sometimesblue on February 9, 2009, at 8:22:45
In reply to Re: a rant about my out-of-control brother..., posted by Dinah on February 7, 2009, at 4:50:24
> But of course I really do not know how much power you do or don't have. Which makes what I just said totally irrelevant.
>lol! That makes 2 of us...
Sadly, I haven't wanted to see or speak to him since that whole mess went down. I just feel like...I should take a step back, but at the same time I can't watch what he's doing to himself and my parents because if I did then I'd be right back where I started...so part of stepping back has to be to step away from him altogether. I think that's a little eff'd up on my part, I guess...part of me feels like I'm giving up on him, but what other choice do I have?
This is the end of the thread.
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