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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by mattye on September 24, 2006, at 11:42:17
I am currently in a great relationship with a very loving, generous, and patient man. (I'm a guy too... we are gay) This is by far the most healthy and caring relationship I have been in.
I just have one major problem, though. My boyfriend is a performer. He dances in a vegas style celebrity impersonation show at a very popular and busy nightclub every saturday. He also has a lot of other cool things going on in his life. He is an assistant cheerleading coach at a high school and he is an assistant show choir director at another high school. He is a great singer too. Oh yeah, he has like a gazillion friends and can barely step out of the apartment without running into someone he knows. He always knows the right things to say and he is always charming.
I am currently unemployed after getting fired from my latest cubicle job (IT helpdesk). I am looking for a career change because I absolutely HATE the IT field. I am also a ceramic artist, which is frustrating, because I pour my heart into my work and I work so hard, but no one seems to really care. Also, I am a recovering heroin addict.
I am trying to get used to the constant comments like "Your boyfriend is so talented -or- your bf is so hot -or- let's go see his show again!
I know this is self-centered, but every time I hear this I shrink a little more. I love my boyfriend, but I feel like I am living in his shadow. If we were the brady bunch, he would be Marcia and I would be Jan. Remember when Jan said "Marcia Marcia Marcia!"? That's how I feel . . . like all the time.
Should I just find a way to accept being eclipsed by my lover? What should I do?
Posted by Phillipa on September 24, 2006, at 16:58:26
In reply to Marcia Marcia Marcia!!, posted by mattye on September 24, 2006, at 11:42:17
Funny you mention the Brady Bunch as my husband always tells people to remember the Brady Bunch Greg and Jan. Me being Jan. So what you're saying is this affects your self-esteem for him to be in the limelight and you're not. Well he picked you didn't he so evidently he wants someone like you. Have you discuseed it with him? Gee this is related to work too. Hard to say other than that you must be a great guy. Love Phillipa
Posted by Lindenblüte on September 27, 2006, at 9:06:56
In reply to Re: Marcia Marcia Marcia!! » mattye, posted by Phillipa on September 24, 2006, at 16:58:26
Hi Mattye,
First of all,
I'm so happy that you've found someone that you care about, and who cares about you. That's wonderful :)I had many similar issues. My husband is very outgoing, very popular with everyone. He is also a performer (musician) and never seemed ill-at-ease in the limelight. I always worry that people will fall in love with this image that he exudes on stage, and that their love for his personality will somehow be more powerful that the love that we share. But... it's just not true. after 7 years together, I still have the occasional crisis: why is this awesome guy with ME? What do *I* have that he could possibly want.
Well part of it is that you didn't just fall in love with his stage personality. You fell in love with him as a person. And that's what makes your relationship with him different. That's why you are special to him. Everyone else- well, he probably worries that if he shows them that he's just a regular person afterall, well that he won't be loved. but with you- he's not afraid to show that side of him. And nobody wants to be on stage ALL the time, (doesn't matter how much of a dramatic personality he has!)
So, what is it about yourself that you think attracts him to you? Is it that you care? That you're a good listener? Do you have good physical chemistry, a similar taste in what's fun to do? Do you like to go to the same kinds of movies, or engage in political discussions? Do you cook well, or have a nice smile? Do you share big dreams for your future?
I bet you have many many things that make you a wonderful person to be with. So what if your employment situation isn't one of them? Maybe he sees you as a work in progress and really likes the person you're becoming? It sounds to me like you've done a lot of really hard things in your life, for instance, giving up heroin. He may see a strength in you that you don't even see in yourself yet.
Well, I hope that you can talk openly about some of these issues. It may help strengthen your sense of the relationship, and your role in it. I hope you can start to feel like a better person. I know that my husband has pretty much helped my self-esteem improve from near rock-bottom to average. It's a wonderful gift. Don't be afraid to unwrap it!
-Li
Posted by mattye on September 27, 2006, at 11:30:19
In reply to Re: Marcia Marcia Marcia!!, posted by Lindenblüte on September 27, 2006, at 9:06:56
Li -
Thank you so much for your advise! You put into words exactly the feeling I get when I go to see his show. "I always worry that people will fall in love with this image that he exudes on stage, and that their love for his personality will somehow be more powerful that the love that we share. " I was never able to articulate it before but that is exactly the insecurity that I feel. It feels selfish to say, but I feel like I have to "share" him with all those people. But really, I fell in love with him before he was ever on stage. Also, he is not the kind of person to let that attention get to his head at all.
Furthermore, I get insecure because never in my life have thousands of people cheered and applauded for me. I feel less valuable than him because I don't get that kind of attention. I know it is a superficial way to judge my own value as a person, but I can't help but feel that way.
Posted by Racer on September 27, 2006, at 13:10:30
In reply to Re: Marcia Marcia Marcia!!, posted by mattye on September 27, 2006, at 11:30:19
I'm thinking of "A shilling life..." (http://poetry.poetryx.com/poems/62/) It pretty much says all that I can think of to say about your situation.
I love that poem, and it really is comforting when you feel kinda down on yourself. I find it so, at any rate. I hope it helps you, too.
(If nothing else, I live Auden. There's little enough time for reading poetry in this life, so any excuse!)
Posted by mattye on September 28, 2006, at 11:08:30
In reply to Have you ever read Auden? » mattye, posted by Racer on September 27, 2006, at 13:10:30
That's a very poignant poem, though I'm not real familiar with Auden. The only thing I didn't understand is what he means by "shilling life."
Posted by Racer on September 29, 2006, at 11:09:44
In reply to Re: Have you ever read Auden?, posted by mattye on September 28, 2006, at 11:08:30
> That's a very poignant poem, though I'm not real familiar with Auden. The only thing I didn't understand is what he means by "shilling life."
That part means a biography priced at one shilling. It's an older poem... ;-)
Posted by Lindenblüte on September 29, 2006, at 12:03:37
In reply to Re: Marcia Marcia Marcia!!, posted by mattye on September 27, 2006, at 11:30:19
you know Mattye,
Even if you *did* go up on stage and get applause from so many people, you might not feel worthy of him!I'm a musician too. I've had my moments of glory. It's not all it's cracked up to be. Sure, there are highs. I might feel high for a day or three. I might feel happy when people remark on my performance. Eventually, though, it just becomes a line on my resume, and life goes on.
One thing that is always hard for ME is that my husband doesn't get stage fright. I do, badly. So, when I get off stage and breath a sigh of relief that I survived, and heck, maybe even did some good stuff out there, he's just kind of like "whatever. good job honey!"
See? it doesn't matter what you do, or how you do it. Somethings come harder or easier for different people. Some people's failures are my idea of success and vice-versa. So, you just have to put things into perspective. What can YOU do today? Are you doing the best job you can today with the gifts that you've been given and with the skills that you've worked so hard to develop?
It's so important to be realistic. Don't compare today with your best day EVER. Don't compare!. Just recognize that you feel better some days, crappier on other days. Do the best you can, in every moment, hour, day, week. Don't set yourself goals that just leave you feeling worse.
Some days my goals are: get out of bed. eat. talk.
Other days my goals and to-do lists are ambitious, detailed and I get LOTs done. C'est la vie!I have my crappy days. so does your guy, I bet!
-Li
Posted by mattye on September 30, 2006, at 14:03:09
In reply to Re: Marcia Marcia Marcia!! » mattye, posted by Lindenblüte on September 29, 2006, at 12:03:37
Hey thanks for the advice guys. You are right. I can't compare my life to his right now. Everyone has different paths in life, and hell, maybe my shining moments are yet to come. Maybe there will be a time when things are going right with me and my partner will be stuck.
I just can't help but feel envious that he is part of this show... I just would like to be a part of something cool like that. Maybe I will someday.
This is the end of the thread.
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