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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by katia on July 30, 2004, at 16:26:11
In reply to Re: Baby Rock's Blue Ribbon days » katia, posted by BarbaraCat on July 30, 2004, at 14:20:18
> Are those pictures of him? The Rock-ster? What a gorgeous, absolutely wondrous specimen of life! What a proud happy fella! What happened, Katia? If you don't want to talk about the event, that's understandable. But sometimes it helps to tell the story to somone who really cares and is truly interested in what happened to your little guy.
**Hi Barbara,
Yes that's my gorgeous charming baby! He was so very beautiful; and what made him so was his so very beautiful spirit shining through.
>
> I found that the greatest gift anyone could give me when my Mom died was simply listening and being interested in her, letting me talk about her and her life. A way to keep her memory and my love for her alive. Yesterday at the clinic I go to (fibro treatments), the nurse just sat with me and we both cried in memory of our beloved animals who had passed. It was such a sweetness and gave me a feeling of connection to all things. Please know that I'll be here whenever you want to talk about your handsome pooch and what he meant to you.
**I will talk about it; but not in detail right now. Later I will.> As for us, nothing can be done about this grief except to acknowledge that it hurts. I've given up that I can ever understand any of it. There's a mystery going on and my mind is pretty limited in scope. But for you, so much more hurt and trauma because such violence accompanied the parting of the veils. This kind of thing rips you open and transforms you and you're never the same. Sounds like your Rock was a great teacher and went out the way he lived life - dynamically!
**That is for sure. He was so very alive and acutely aware of his surroundings and dynamic. Last night a friend came over with her golden retriever (after I promised Rock that he is my number one baby and Sam (the dog) is just visiting). I've known Sam for years and he is like my nephew. I'm always the one to watch him when they go away. He loves it when I stay with him because he gets spoiled so much that he forgets about missing his mother). He's sweet and passive like any golden. And I missed Rock terribly. We went to the car at around midnight seeing her and Sam off and I was already feeling anxious because we were in the street where it had happened with Rock and the rival dog two doors down when a man walked up fast towards us reaching his hand in his pocket. I was boxed in near my friend in the front door and immediately moved around it and she closed it. he was asking for money (I don't live in a bad neighborhood). We shook our heads and I moved quickly away and he just left. It was scary and Sam didn't even raise his head to it. I was so sad because I knew Rock would never have let that man come anywhere near me. He was so alert and protective; he would've clawed through a stone wall to protect me. I felt so sad and vulneable because my proctetor is no longer with me. He loved me deeply as I him. Cathy the animal communicator laughed and said "you two would have quite a relationship if he was human!". It was a deep love I haven't had with many dogs and nothing like this one unique one with baby Rock. There was such an understanding between us. A deep, strong, dynamic alive connection. I still feel him here. I get up and immediately think of him and that I need to let him out to go potty. I walk out into the living room and he's physically not there but I feel him. It's strange. He snored like a freight train and I couldn't sleep with him. Cathy said that he had damage on his larnyx and nasal cavity from being shot and then later hung and such with his neck. Rock told her that his snoring has gotten worse over the years. He did have trouble swallowing and such. Poor darling. Thank God and the heavens above that he was led to me. I just think of all the other dogs out there that are suffering and it kills me. I don't understand the cruelty and suffering of this world. I understand so much better the afterlife of this world - the spirit world much better than I do this strange planet of destruction and cruelty. And yes of love as well. But that love to me is spirit - not of this world. Not a product of it.
> Although the setting was not clinical for Merlin, he was at home, it was not easy. Merlin fought to the very end. Even after the injection was given, his heart kept beating and he kept gasping for breath. He was writhing and clawing and dragging to get away, to keep alive, even in his worn out emaciated little body. He had been suffering so much and it amazed all of us that he still had his indominatable will to live very much intact even as he was dying. His body and organs were shutting down for weeks, except for his very strong and healthy heart. I had to tell him quite firmly but lovingly to fly to the Light, go, go, go. I promised I would be allright, he could go without concern. And I've decided that for Merlin's sake I am going to be allright, because I made that promise to him and I will keep it. I feel his presence helping me to learn about loving life again and finding joy in simple things.
>**My goodness what a strong little boy!! That must have been hard to see Barbara. I'm glad you guided him over. He seemed to be saying "I'll be back!".
> Katia, this may sound premature, but I have to tell you. I was in Powell's Book Store yesterday hungrily searching for books on the afterlife, what's it all about, etc., and I suddenly got a very strong hit about you. I even saw you very clearly and the message I was told to tell you was "Healing and understanding animals. Tell her she has the gift". Maybe this was what Rock's gift to you was. To tear you apart so that you could be reassembled for your true purpose. I can speak from my own wrenching but transforming experience. Somehow these deaths of my Mom and Merlin (and so very many other close friends throughout the years) are helping me to finally uncover where my own path is leading. It sure as heck ain't back to High Tech Project Management! Much love and gentle cradling in the Mother's arms. - Barbara
**That's very powerful Barbara. Wow. I am so thankful you shared that with me. I know something is coming from this I just don't know what yet. I'm not only in grief, but I am also (I think) suffering a bit of post traumatic stress syndrome. I need some time to clear my brain and energy. I will take that message very seriously and to heart. My heart opens in a way with animals that doesn't with humans. And it's not just that - I understand them so very well and maybe that's because I do have some telepathic abilities that I am not allowing myself to develop further or give myself credit for.
It's so very hard to be so sensitive - really need clear and strong clearing powers and boundaries to survive and hold it all without shutting down.So glad to hear from you. I am so happy you got to see my baby.
Lots of love,
Katia
Posted by BarbaraCat on July 30, 2004, at 19:58:15
In reply to Re: Baby Rock's Blue Ribbon days » BarbaraCat, posted by katia on July 30, 2004, at 16:26:11
>
> Yes that's my gorgeous charming baby! He was so very beautiful; and what made him so was his so very beautiful spirit shining through.
> >
**No wonder you're proud of him. Now, that's a dog! And such conformation! You know, it's sad he was taken in the prime of his beauty but in another way, such a strong beautiful physical presence to take with him, such beautiful memories of his vitality are a gift. Seeing my beautiful Merlin so frail and suffering and starving to death absolutely tore me apart. My life was on hold since we found out about his FIV in December. We have 8 other cats and they were all going wiggy and needy, which wasn't helping at all. After a point, we knew we had to stop the force feedings and subcutaneous fluids (he hated it and was beginning to run from us) and let nature take it's course. What a horrible long drawn out anguish that was complicated by his most definitely not wanting to go. I guess it was a tearing open that my stubborn self needed but I feel wrung out, raw. I so much wish he didn't have to suffer like that. I couldn't protect my Sweetheart from that pain. I just have to honor that it was his choice, something his soul needed. Be glad you have those vibrant memories of Rock to remember him by.>>>Thank God and the heavens above that he was led to me. I just think of all the other dogs out there that are suffering and it kills me. I don't understand the cruelty and suffering of this world. I understand so much better the afterlife of this world - the spirit world much better than I do this strange planet of destruction and cruelty. And yes of love as well. But that love to me is spirit - not of this world. Not a product of it.
**What you just said encapsulates my life issues and areas I so much need to heal. I frequently don't feel like I belong here. What a strange place. I lose faith and trust that there's any meaning and purpose to it. Especially cruely to animals. That's a very low consiousness that can do that sorry crap and I don't want it around me. But I'm getting very clear that this is where my healing begins - to somehow take this in and let the holy light of spirit in there as well. To open my scared and scarred heart and let that grace in. All this dying in the last year has been ripping my heart open and it feels like a thawing frostbit limb and it hurts. It takes alot of faith and sometimes I'm just too tired to dredge it up.
Katia, here's a link to a very special and wonderful place that I mentioned to you before - Best Friends Animal Sanctuary in Utah. www.bestfriends.com. It's philosophy of finding the best and the good in sad situations is so healing. It always makes me feel good and hopeful. It's how I want to live my life. Their mission of hope and honoring our critters and coming from a positive angle is truly working, a growing microcosm of 'yes, it can be done'. It does my heart so much good to know that there are bright shining souls - angels - doing good work and making a difference. We don't hear about this kind of good stuff in the news. It might do your aching heart some good to spend some time at their site.
>
>>My heart opens in a way with animals that doesn't with humans. And it's not just that - I understand them so very well and maybe that's because I do have some telepathic abilities that I am not allowing myself to develop further or give myself credit for. It's so very hard to be so sensitive - really need clear and strong clearing powers and boundaries to survive and hold it all without shutting down.
>
**Well, maybe this is an area that you can ask Rock for help. My link with Merlin is so intense and forever and I know that he wants to help, and now he's in a great position to do that. Rock's energy is so strong. I get that he wants to continue to protect you, like a guardian angel. I strongly believe that they love to have a 'job' over there and it helps their souls to evolve. Rock is probably eager to do this - after, of course, he spends some time exploring his new digs.Right now, you need to rest and heal and let the swirling settle down. I'm coming to accept that there are questions for which there are no answers, at least not in this dense 3rd dimensional reality. We are living in interesting times, hah! I bet that if you just sit with that strong bond you two have, you'll be guided to the next step and fiercely protected along the path. It seems that his vibrant pit-bullness is just part of him and he'll take that tenacity with him throughout his soul's journeys. You and this little dog are gifts to each other and of course, no accident that you were led to each other. Perhaps this is new territory and new beginnings you're moving into, and he's there to support you in a powerful way.
I think the key to life is this: 1) Put one foot in front of the other; 2) breathe into the moment; 3) keep the heart open, no matter what. That's my mantra and I'm trying my best to live by it. Oh, and lots and lots of good ol' down and dirty crying. Later, amiga. - Barbara
Posted by katia on July 31, 2004, at 1:25:20
In reply to Re: Baby Rock's Blue Ribbon days » katia, posted by BarbaraCat on July 30, 2004, at 19:58:15
Hi Barbara,
I like your mantras. I am feeling very strange. Very on edge and scared and all so sad. I feel like I"m getting worse. I feel so much anxiety and dread over what happened. I keep replaying it in my mind. I feel scared. I am wondering if I'm suffering from PTSD (post traumatic stress). I feel quesy all the time and my hands are shaking. And I cry all the time - intermittenly throughout the day and night. I love sleep because it's such an escape. I am wondering if I should up my Paxil. I'm at such a low dose 12.5mg. I'm going to give it a few days. I guess there is no medication for a broken heart. Maybe I should restart therapy. I feel awful.I wonder about myself and healthy grief and healthy grief going too far and me slipping into a depression. That's what feels like is happening. I seem to be getting worse. My period is due soon and there is a full moon; but this feels bigger than just that.
It means so much to me to talk with you Barbara. I just hope I can be as much support for you as you are being for me right now. I appreciate everything you say.
Cathy, the animal communicator works via phone or in person. She's very very geniune and authentic. Her website is www.animalmuse.com if you are interested in doing any work with Merlin or any others. Sounds like you and Merlin are quite connected already. I am hoping to get to the place where I can take this as a gift and so forth. I'm feeling so disheartened and lifeless at the moment(s).
keep in touch please.
Katia
Posted by BarbaraCat on July 31, 2004, at 15:09:55
In reply to Re: Baby Rock's Blue Ribbon days » BarbaraCat, posted by katia on July 31, 2004, at 1:25:20
You are a huge support to me. Talking about all this is important in it's own right, but sharing it with someone who has been through so many similar mood challenges and knows how tough that makes everything has been extra important. It's hard to talk about this stuff with just about anyone.
What you're going through really sounds like PTSD. It seems like something very violent and wrenching happened that night and all those emotions got locked in. What you're describing about the physical sensations sounds very much like an overdose of adrenaline surge. Your poor adrenals are probably spasming. I've had some EMDR eye movement therapy. It helped when I was going through some vivid flashbacks of my childhood. You can do it to yourself when you're in overwhelm. It breaks the neural loop somehow. This is how I do it:
- Sit straight backed with your legs on the floor - like a chair. It helps to have some horizontal line of site, or two level targets that your eyes can focus back and forth on.
- You feel the feelings, see the images, whatever's going on, and while this is going on tap your thighs with your middle and index fingers and, with your head straight, move your eyes right and left along with the thigh taps. Look right while tapping the right thigh, etc.
- The tempo is as if you're saying 'I am breathe-ing' (helps you remember to breath also). But just get into the rhythm without continuing to think it, you don't want your head to block out what you're feeling.
- You do this for about a minute, fully experiencing what's up, then stop and gauge where you're at. You might rate how you're feeling on a 1-10 scale. This somtimes seems to clinical for me, I'll just think 'better', 'worse', 'gone', whatever. Perhaps a new emotion will arise. Do it again for a minute and stop and keep doing this until you feel more settled.It's helped me alot and seems to break the loop that the limbic center is trying to gouge in the brain circuits. Sometimes those triggers just disolve. It's really important to nip PTSD in the bud if you can.
As for me, oh gad, I was up at 4am on my way to the emergency animal hospital this morning. Our little girl kitty, Shashee, was in severe respiritory distress. Her xrays show that she might have a heart condition and the prognosis is 6-12 months. She's in an oxygen chamber til tomorrow.
On the way home, I felt very still, almost accepting of this new thing which will surely bring fresh trauma and new grief into our lives. She and Merlin were so close and I can't help but think that she wants to follow him. We, however, would like to have her furry little presence around.
I don't know if I'm numb, in shock, or if something has shifted around my terror of death and loss. I got smacked upside the head with these issues lately, how I've been desperately running from the pain and fear of loss my whole life. The worst part is the doubt that there's any point to all this suffering, basically that life's a bitch and then you die and there's nothing after that. I got to see this so clearly and how it's been running my life. I can speak the language of spirituality and metaphysics from being on the path for so many years. I didn't realize that there was this huge part that basically thought it was all a bunch of romanticized hooey. This nihilistic part was running the show and causing a lot of despair and terror. I've been so afraid of feeling it, afraid of the fear. It came up crystal clear during this seige with Merlin and my own health issues (Stevens Johnson Syndrome in April). I bought a bunch of books at Powell's (when I had that hit about you) on death and the afterlife, people's experience with grieving, etc., and they are really helping alot.
Yesterday, I woke from a nap and was gripped with an intense visceral physical feeling of constriction around my gut, heart and throat. It was like a vice or a ball of heavy dense squeezing energy. It's 'the feeling' that I've been so afraid of feeling, so worried that if I let it in it would consume me, wrench me apart, and for what, what's the point? But there it was in its fullness, caught me unawares fresh from a nap. So I just said to it 'I'm going to be here with you and let you in, even if it kills me. I will not run from you any more'. It just grew and expanded and then I felt I could take it, I could take anything. Something shifted. So I'm feeling something like peace underneath the worry and sadness. But then again, it might just be shock.
Back to you. One other thing - go to a health food store and get a homeopathic remedy for grief: Ignatia 30C strength, and take 5 pellets every 2 hours. It really helps to break the energetic pattern of grief that can get locked in. If you can get a stronger dose, like 200C, that would be good, but most stores don't carry higher doses. While you're there, get some Siberian ginseng, which helps the adrenals and to withstand stress. Don't get the Korean or Panax - too strong for right now.
If I were you, I'd also get some benzos to help during this time. I recently got oxazepam, or Serax, which is in the Ativan family. It's very mild and doesn't impair anything but helps to smooth things out. I can't say anything about raising the Paxil since my own experiences with it weren't good, but you definitely might need something to blunt this trauma.
My husband just said something (BTW, I've been sharing with him your story cause he had a beloved pit-bull. He sends you his care and concern). He said it sounds like the fear energy during this intense trauma might have entered your energy field. It might be good to command that energy to leave, tell it to go to the Light, and envision that sticky glommy stuff being washed out of your aura by a shower of sparkling pure Light and that dense stuff going back to it's benign universal source. Do this many times. If that fails, here's where a good Shaman comes in handy.
I'll let you know of Shashee's condition as soon as I know. This is just so weird. - Barbara
Posted by katia on July 31, 2004, at 18:18:57
In reply to Re: Baby Rock's Blue Ribbon days » katia, posted by BarbaraCat on July 31, 2004, at 15:09:55
> What you're going through really sounds like PTSD. It seems like something very violent and wrenching happened that night and all those emotions got locked in. What you're describing about the physical sensations sounds very much like an overdose of adrenaline surge. Your poor adrenals are probably spasming. I've had some EMDR eye movement therapy. It helped when I was going through some vivid flashbacks of my childhood. You can do it to yourself when you're in overwhelm. It breaks the neural loop somehow. This is how I do it:
>
> - You do this for about a minute, fully experiencing what's up, then stop and gauge where you're at. You might rate how you're > It's helped me alot and seems to break the loop that the limbic center is trying to gouge in the brain circuits. Sometimes those triggers just disolve. It's really important to nip PTSD in the bud if you can.
>**Hi Barbara,
I did do some of that EMDR once years ago with a therpaist. Is it alternating hands and eyes though or moving together? i.e. left hands and right eyes? I can't remember.
I am in pain and everyone I see driving one of those big noisey trucks - big beafy guys I cringe thinking those are the ones that are fighting pit bulls. I know it's prejudice and awful but I can't help but feel the whole world is cruel and my baby would be here with me now if he had never landed in that awful situation of being forced to fight or die. Cathy told me that she couldn't believe that he wasn't dead from all he went through; he was very strong. And I can't help but think, it took me to kill him. I made the decision to put him down. I know Cathy says that it was a selfless, courageous and compassionate act, but I don't understand why I had to now. I miss his little happy dance before meals or walks. He'd dance and jump in circles - I couldn't believe he never got so dizzy to fall down. I just really miss him so much. My heart feels broken. And I don't know if this is natural grief or if I'm plummenting. I cry every day.> As for me, oh gad, I was up at 4am on my way to the emergency animal hospital this morning. Our little girl kitty, Shashee, was in severe respiritory distress. Her xrays show that she might have a heart condition and the prognosis is 6-12 months. She's in an oxygen chamber til tomorrow.
**Oh Barb, I'm so sorry. She probably is following Merlin. Maybe that can give you some comfort that he'll be waiting for her.
>
> On the way home, I felt very still, almost accepting of this new thing which will surely bring fresh trauma and new grief into our lives.**It doesn't sound like denial or shock to me. It sounds like a deep spiritual place you've arrived at. I've been there before during grief over an abortion and lose of boyfriend at the same time. I was alternating between heaven and hell with this underlying peace and connection with spirit.
> Back to you. One other thing - go to a health food store and get a homeopathic remedy for grief: Ignatia 30C strength, and take 5 pellets every 2 hours. It really helps to break the energetic pattern of grief that can get locked in. If you can get a stronger dose, like 200C, that would be good, but most stores don't carry higher doses. While you're there, get some Siberian ginseng, which helps the adrenals and to withstand stress. Don't get the Korean or Panax - too strong for right now.
**I will try some. I got that rescue remedy - Cathy also recommened that.
>
> If I were you, I'd also get some benzos to help during this time. I recently got oxazepam, or Serax, which is in the Ativan family. It's very mild and doesn't impair anything but helps to smooth things out. I can't say anything about raising the Paxil since my own experiences with it weren't good, but you definitely might need something to blunt this trauma.**I'm not so unable to sleep as I am feeling like I'm plummneting; which is why I want to possibly up the dose of Paxil. It's worked fine for me so far.
> My husband just said something (BTW, I've been sharing with him your story cause he had a beloved pit-bull. He sends you his care and concern). He said it sounds like the fear energy during this intense trauma might have entered your energy field. It might be good to command that energy to leave, tell it to go to the Light, and envision that sticky glommy stuff being washed out of your aura by a shower of sparkling pure Light and that dense stuff going back to it's benign universal source. Do this many times. If that fails, here's where a good Shaman comes in handy.
**Yes, I need help here. And I think I can do some powerful work with CAthy. She's coming over next week to speak with Rock and me.
> I'll let you know of Shashee's condition as soon as I know. This is just so weird. - Barbara
**Please do. I'm glad you're in a powerful and wise/peaceful space underneath it all.
take good care,
Katia
Posted by BarbaraCat on August 2, 2004, at 14:02:46
In reply to Re: Baby Rock's Blue Ribbon days » BarbaraCat, posted by katia on July 31, 2004, at 18:18:57
Hi Katia,
Well, good news at least about Shashee. She seems to have asthma instead of the fatal heart condition. But the weird thing is that since we moved here into this small logging town, out of the city, we're on a very dusty unpaved road that spews up dust and whatnot every time a car or f**cking logging truck goes by. We were not away of this when we moved in, thinking this was the end of the road kind of street.Four of our cats, including myself, have come down with asthma and other respiratory ailments, and it's no wonder. It's just that much more of an incentive to move away from this dull drudge place where we had hoped to find a like minded community. All we've seen in these three years are thwarted attempts by others, hampered by fears of 'those new fangled city folk's ways' (yes, that was said at a town meeting). I've never bonded here, and possible attempts at friendship were ended disastrously - like last Winter,the mean-spirited fear-based response to showing pictures of my Mom on the one-year anniversary of her death. That hurt so badly, but it was just one more validation that this isn't the place. The other heartbreak is taking a well loved familiar trail, rounding a bend and finding it's been clear-cut overnight. It feels like encroaching Mordor and it's time to get off the pot. I feel like I have a purpose to clear things out. I will either move into this energy or sink into it and falter and probably not care if I live or die.
So now, I will focus my blasted bedraggled grieving energies into things like cleaning out the archeological layers in the garage - doing 'busy stuff' to focus on rebuilding a new life somewhere. Creating auspicious feng shui in order to move the trapped energy in my living space and in my mental space. I don't know what else to do. I feel like anything can happen and I need to prepare and get strong. I am looking at this like Warrior Training - although I wish I had a mentor.
I don't presume to believe that anywhere else is perfect. You can spend a lifetime wandering around trying to find that perfect place and it doesn't exist. We live in an anxious world, but it helps to have a community of people who we can share life with, who give a damn. We can't do this life alone and here I have been lonely and isolated, especially in my illness - can't just pick up and distract when the body is screaming. My cats have provided such companionship and selfless love, and by God, it will be for them that I get my butt in gear and heal this life of mine, and find a way to move beyond the fear of pain. They are worth it. Someday I may find that I too am worth it.
The next place we consider, we will be very wary if all we see are fundamentalist churches, no bookstores, no yoga classes, and plenty and plenty of bars. These are good indications to move on. We were originally in a hurry to move because I needed quiet. One lives and learns.
As far as the EMDR, you tap the same side - tap right thigh, look to the right. As emotions, memories, swirl, you can pick up the tempo until something 'gives' and releases.
Another technique that helps me when I'm feeling overwhelmed (besides taking to bed, which I am going to be doing all day today) is to 'see' a loving light entering my third eye area and embracing the wounded parts of my brain - all of it - like loving hands holding my brain and imparting healing that looks like a glowing blue light. Sometimes it feels like the crown center opens, like a tingling feeling, and adds to this blue glowing light that is so soothing. I imagine that it is clearing out gunk and repatterning my neural circuits. I believe this healing is at the utmost level. We can take pills, potions, whatever, and they do help at a certain levels. But calling upon our loving helpers to heal us at our deepest wounded natures is where it has to happen. I don't think most folks are aware of this need or the possibility of this kind of healing. Pills can only do so much.
I'm glad you have Cathy. It sounds like she knows you and what you're going through. Definitely PTSD, I regognize the signs. Your body is in a chemical shock and perpetuates the loop of the trauma memories. It is adrenaline and CRF. Those loops must be broken by deep rest to the adrenals, but the ultimate healing is releasing into the pain and grief and the not knowing, and moving into the expanded state it offers. It is a powerful doorway, but a damn painful one and you need your body's strength to support you, as well as the support of loving friends on both sides.
Who knows what's going on, Katia. Rock may very well be a very special companion from lifetimes and lifetimes, and this is just one more pas de deux in your dance of lifetimes. The fact that you had to put him down is devastating. I feel the same way about Merlin, although every breath was agony - he had absolutely no lung tissue left! And yet he wanted to continue. His death agony was shattering. I wonder - gee, maybe if it hadn't of been for this shitty road, his lungs would have had a chance. But that's just mind noise and of no help to anyone. He had FIV. His organs, one by one, were succumbing to anything and everything. There was nothing I could do except to send him on as lovingly and courageously as I knew how - because IT WAS TIME. Rock's tortured existence taught him much, I am certain, and now it's time for him to heal, incorporate, and perhaps act as a cosmic cop against those unconscious numnutz who do these things to innocent critters. Someone has to do it, and I get the feeling he might enjoy this new job of his. Who knows?
Yes, we miss them. There's nothing anyone can say to make that pain feel better. Whatever happens in the next reality, in this reality, it hurts and there is an empiness and the physical longing to hold a warm cuddly body. I can't begin to tell you how this has activated all kinds of stuff from my Mom's death as well. Mainly the unanswerable questions of life and death and continuation. My life feels consumed by this right now. Every book I read, movies I'm drawn to. I have no time for sitting in the bars in town trying to convince clueless drunks that they need to think about voting, get a clue, go see Farenheit 9/11 if they're undecided. But even that fire in my belly feels 'oh well'. Life will go on, will flounder, falter, we all may be wiped out and that may be the best thing. I simply don't know and that's all I know. And I have to put this anguished trembling energy into something constructive and that, for want of anything better, is to MOVE. I am wiped out. I need to go unconsious for awhile, take a benzo and take refuge in Nepenthe. Later, Barbara
Posted by katia on August 2, 2004, at 14:41:52
In reply to Re: Baby Rock's Blue Ribbon days » katia, posted by BarbaraCat on August 2, 2004, at 14:02:46
> Hi Katia,
> Well, good news at least about Shashee.GREAT NEWS! Maybe little Shashee was feeling a little ignored and wanted some attention! Sly little critter - smart little critter.
Moving sounds good. Where are you thinking? I know I won't stay here forever - too crowded and fast. BUT wherever peaceful spot I go next (in about three years), it will have to be one like you described - watch out for those churches and bars seek out an aware community.
Thank you for the kind words about Rock. I just spoke with Cathy on the phone minutes before I got this posting of yours. She is coming over Thursday to do some work with Rock and me. She is so blown away by our pure love together and Rock as such a special being. She's writing his story for a publication about animals and telepathy. He is an ambassador. He was soooo sooo special. IS.
I got an email from the breeders of him (who showed him in those pictures of Rock you saw five years ago). They are so upset over his mistreatment and abuse. He said that Rock was the BEST dog with temperment and personality; his hackles never even raised around other dogs. I contacted them in search of Rock's baby pictures.F*** those damn people who abuse these precious living beings.
Cathy does work over the phone. She just needs a description of the animal/pet and she came start commmunicating. She is a healer. Maybe it's something you want to do? She's helped me so much. I don't know what I would've done without her during this time. I needed to understand more and she helped with that.
Hope you get some sleep and rest.
Katia
Posted by BarbaraCat on August 3, 2004, at 13:07:26
In reply to Re: Baby Rock's Blue Ribbon days » BarbaraCat, posted by katia on August 2, 2004, at 14:41:52
Hi Katia,
What is Cathy's info again? I could look in old posts but if you have it handy... I want to let you know that you and Rock are now on a 24-hour 30 day prayer circle. Never hurts to have good words and intentions from others.I slept all day yesterday and feel like a new person. Very rested, after all the trauma of the past few weeks. Thank the good spirits for benzos. I wouldn't have been able to just let down and sleep without them. It takes alot to knock me out, even when I'm exhausted.
We're thinking moving to the Ashland, OR area. Are you familiar with Ashland? Alot of cultural events, spiritual communities, good eatin' joints, gorgeous scenery, jobs, and not crowded at all. The Shakespeare Festival is a big Summer event. It's getting fairly expensive so we can't drag our heels too long.
In the past, any major move was prompted by some sort of catastrophe, some major reason or other. Moving is such a royal pain. It's easy to put up with situations not in one's best interest, so as not to go through the hassle. We'd probably still be in Marin if our landlord's daughter didn't need a place to live in a big hurry and we had to move out in a big hurry. The economy and housing prices were so high in the Bay Area that we just upped and moved to Oregon on blind faith and never looked back. Portland started getting crowded and expensive - the reason we wanted to leave the Bay Area. We moved to this little redneck community, with some idyllic notions of quilting bees and country dances. More like country flailing and country puking at the local bars, the only community venues in town (besides the very conservative churches). Been a good cave experience, but it's time to move out of the cave. Especially since this cave breeds asthma.
Thanks for your sweet words on Shashee. She's been sticking close by but she has a big bite mark on her head, like some animal chomped on her. I hate this worrying about them. I'd love to have a huge fenced in compound. I don't know how people with kids do it. I would be a total wreck every time they were out of my site. But sometimes I wonder if I'd have the same total love for human kids than for my furry ones.
Hope you're healing a little better each day. You and Rock are in my thoughts and prayers. If you get those puppy pictures, please post them. - Barbara
Posted by katia on August 3, 2004, at 14:46:15
In reply to Re: Baby Rock's Blue Ribbon days » katia, posted by BarbaraCat on August 3, 2004, at 13:07:26
Hi Barbara,
Is it your prayer circle? Thank you for that. We could use it. I'm having a rough time, but today is better than before. I still feel queasy though. I'm getting ready to go on a walk for the first time since that night. Rock and I went to a different field to throw the tennis ball; one we'd never been to before because I sensed danger in the air and wanted to be hidden. He lost his ball that night in the woods. I want to find it today.Her name is Cathy Malkin. her website is www.animalmuse.com
Best wishes for energy and inspiration for your move. Once you're there, you'll be glad. Just put it in gear and then collapse once you're there.
take good care,
Katia
Posted by BarbaraCat on August 3, 2004, at 15:18:06
In reply to Re: Baby Rock's Blue Ribbon days » BarbaraCat, posted by katia on August 3, 2004, at 14:46:15
The prayer circle is two: Silent Unity, and The Living Enrichment Center in Wilsonville, OR, a wonderful New Thought church that I miss very much that used to be near where we lived.
The move won't happen for at least 1 year. The target is next October. I want to do it right, keep a steady beat on clearing out and getting ready. There is so much junk to clean out from years of bright idea projects that never came to fruition. I've carried this stuff with me for too many moves thinking I'd get to it in 'the new place'. If I lived 900 years I wouldn't have time to finish these projects, but they seemed a good idea at the time. Thankfully we have a humongo sized garage - and I must say that the stuff is very neatly on the many shelves - otherwise I'd be too embarrassed to have anyone over to my house. I recall a great term C.H.A.O.S, or Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome. As long as no one peeks in the garage, my home looks like someone relatively normal lives here.
Good luck on your walk. Revisiting favorite places is so hard without your buddy. Walks are so much more fun with a pup. Feels safer too. I've been praying for his soul, Katia. It never hurts, although I'm sure he was able to find the Light with no problem. I like to think that Rock and Merlin have met up with each other and are frisking about. What fun they must be having! I like that thought. Cats and dogs probably get along just fine in the Great Beyond.
Have you had any dreams about him? I had one very minor one where Merlin was walking into another room. I had many dreams like this of my Mom at first. I'd see her walking into another room and I'd call out to her but she kept on walking. A few months later she came to me with some powerful 'real' dreams. I'm sure it takes them a little while to come down from the absolute blissful high they're on at first. New things to do, places to go, old friends to catch up with.
Just got a call that Merlin's ashes are ready to be picked up. I'm not sure why we hold on to these things since they are long gone, but he's got a special place all set up for him. I sure don't understand death, but I guess we're not supposed to. We're supposed to do the best we can without any guarantees. A long strange trip, this life.
> Is it your prayer circle? Thank you for that. We could use it. I'm having a rough time, but today is better than before. I still feel queasy though. I'm getting ready to go on a walk for the first time since that night. Rock and I went to a different field to throw the tennis ball; one we'd never been to before because I sensed danger in the air and wanted to be hidden. He lost his ball that night in the woods. I want to find it today.
>
> Her name is Cathy Malkin. her website is www.animalmuse.com
>
> Best wishes for energy and inspiration for your move. Once you're there, you'll be glad. Just put it in gear and then collapse once you're there.
> take good care,
> Katia
Posted by katia on August 3, 2004, at 15:51:23
In reply to Re: Baby Rock's Blue Ribbon days » katia, posted by BarbaraCat on August 3, 2004, at 15:18:06
Rock's ashes are here too. I was so thankful to pick them up. He was a big boy! I put the cedar box on my lap as I drove and I felt more at peace as though he was sitting on my lap. He used to do that in the car. He'd jump up front and then jump over in my lap with his forepaws and shoulders; his head just under mine. It felt so nice. I'd have to drive with bowed out arms. I loved being close to him and him me obviously. He ALWAYS wanted to be touching me whenever we were in the same room. It wasn't enough to be in the same room.
So when I got the box, I sighed a relief and cried so hard. I set up an alter with his ashes and flowers, pictures, balls, bones, leash, collar, candles, and cards. I light the candles everyday to honor his life and passing. I hope the candles will help him find his way. Cathy will come over thursday.
I couldn't find the ball. It was two weeks ago, someone must have taken it. Another dog perhaps...they justlove finding tennis balls. The ones who love them. Rock was the best dog. He knew how to be a dog and play with balls and sticks and bones. He never begged for food, never chewed up anything that wasn't his, he even knew exactly how to hide and be discreet when going #2potty. He'd always find a bush and stick his bottom in the middle of it and then go looking out at me. I'd always bring bags but never had to use them. He was perfect in every way except the dog aggression which was created mainly by those "bad men".
Maybe Rock is with Merlin. I'm sure they would be as we are both mourning together and you know they haven't left us yet.
take care-
Posted by BarbaraCat on August 4, 2004, at 12:30:36
In reply to In Honor of Their Passing » BarbaraCat, posted by katia on August 3, 2004, at 15:51:23
He sounds like quite the dog - and quite the character! It's so wonderful for them that they were so loved. I've felt this for so long and Merlin's little voice confirmed it for me. The unbounded love that's generated between a well-loved and loving animal and their human turbo-charges both of their spiritual evolutions (he used the word 'cat-a-pult' of course). But especially the animal's, because it teaches them to love in a higher way.
It was meant to be that Rock found you, even for just a short time. It's obvious you were both changed by the experience. I was so lucky to have Merlin for 14 years. We were so close, so bonded. I marvel at the miracle of the bond and communication between two different species. It's the closest I come to realizing that we are all connected - one being expressing in different forms.
I can now devote more time to the critters who are still here. They've been a little ignored during the past 7 months of intensive Merlin care. I wish I could do something with animals. I'm considering animal assisted therapy.
Let me know how it goes with Cathy - I know you will but please know that I'm very interested in this. I will most likely get in touch with her myself. For obvious Merlin reasons, but also our big fluffy white 'blond' cat simply won't use the litter box and if Cathy can help with this frustrating mundane issue, I will be forever grateful. I hate those little hidden pockets of stale cat pee I discover all over the house. - Barbara
Posted by woolav on August 4, 2004, at 14:50:06
In reply to Re: Merlin's fantastic passing » fayeroe, posted by BarbaraCat on July 29, 2004, at 12:59:03
I have read all the posts about Merlin. It gets me in the heart. I had to put down my cocker spaniel about 6 yrs ago from cancer. She fought hard, but I was and still am, fragile mentally. So, it takes alot to just get myself through life. But, anyway, I have panic disorder and lots of other goodies...But when my dog was sick, I couldnt really deal with it. I kinda tried to block it because i thought i would end up in a mental hospital or something. And i have a daughter to raise. So, i had to try to keep myself going and i couldnt do what i wanted for her. And to this day, i feel such guilt. I couldnt even be in the room when they put her to sleep. I have hated myself for that and other things since then. But she did come to me in a dream and she was "glowing" like an angel and i knew she wanted me to know she was okay. About a year after her passing, i rescued a dog from the pound who was days away from being put down herself. And i have given her all my heart. And i know one day, i will have to deal with her passing and i pray that i will be strong enough.
S
Posted by BarbaraCat on August 4, 2004, at 15:24:25
In reply to Re: Merlin's fantastic passing, posted by woolav on August 4, 2004, at 14:50:06
**Dear S,
Thank you so much for your beautiful post. It brought tears to my heart. Sometimes I wonder about opening so wide to love, knowing that it inevitably leads to deep pain. But also deep wonder and joy. I think we humans have a hard time, a fear almost, of joy, knowing that we'll lose it. I sure have identified that my issues in life are around fear of loss. At least it's a good thing to know. I also clench around what 'might happen' in the future, but I'm learning, slowly, that these things rarely happen and if they do, I've always been able to handle them. Sometimes not so well, but here I am, still alive and still learning.Being totally in the moment, no matter what is going on, seems to be the key. I had panic disorder for years. It was by far the most awful thing I ever went through. I can take 'life sucks' depression, but panic will bring me to my knees. But since learning more and more how to breathe into each moment and realizing that in the moment I can handle anything, has helped tremendously. Even Merlin's very traumatizing death where he struggled so hard to keep living was a sacred event, a wonder beyond words.
I hope you can find a way to heal this difficult disorder in yourself. Praying helps me. Sometimes I have no idea who or what is listening, but I know someone is.
The experience of your pup glowing was real. Things like that are gifts, and you know at the time that they're true. We can't know for sure what happens in the Hereafter, but experiences like that where we can open to the feeling allow us to have hope that there is a reason for all things.
Good for you for adopting the pound puppy. This sounds like it was guided by your little lost one. They do things like that, have their paw in our lives. I share your grief about the situation regarding not being able to be there. But we do the best we can. In retrospect it always seems like we could have done this and that, and we probably could have. But no one appears out of the clouds and gives us a To Do list in life. The first order of all things is to vow to learn from life's lessons and then forgive ourselves for not being perfect.
I don't know what your beliefs are. I am a very lapsed recovering Catholic and by no means a practicing Christian. My beliefs are very eclectic, a mixture of all things. But I do believe in the loving presence of the Holy Spirit, the Comforter, the Guide. If you can begin to chat with this Holy Presence and ask for guidance, you will receive it. The best of luck to you and your little girl and animal friend(s) - and keep in touch. - Barbara
> I have read all the posts about Merlin. It gets me in the heart. I had to put down my cocker spaniel about 6 yrs ago from cancer. She fought hard, but I was and still am, fragile mentally. So, it takes alot to just get myself through life. But, anyway, I have panic disorder and lots of other goodies...But when my dog was sick, I couldnt really deal with it. I kinda tried to block it because i thought i would end up in a mental hospital or something. And i have a daughter to raise. So, i had to try to keep myself going and i couldnt do what i wanted for her. And to this day, i feel such guilt. I couldnt even be in the room when they put her to sleep. I have hated myself for that and other things since then. But she did come to me in a dream and she was "glowing" like an angel and i knew she wanted me to know she was okay. About a year after her passing, i rescued a dog from the pound who was days away from being put down herself. And i have given her all my heart. And i know one day, i will have to deal with her passing and i pray that i will be strong enough.
> S
Posted by katia on August 4, 2004, at 16:29:56
In reply to Re: In Honor of Their Passing » katia, posted by BarbaraCat on August 4, 2004, at 12:30:36
Hi Barbara,
I don't know if it's because we're here at grief and we can talk more openly/freely without having to always get back to meds, but you seem really sound and solid and soft. At peace and in touch with something greater. It is so nice to be able to talk with you and hear how in touch you are with what I am in touch with. Animals and spirituality. I think it was said by an Indian (India) that grief brings us closer to God. And with that closeness is such knowing and peace. It really sounds like you are tapped into the spirit world and could also do some work with animals. Maybe that message in the bookstore was not only for me, but you as well.
Callings are important messages from the spirit world. Cathy had a calling and she is doing her duty by heeding it for our sad state as a species and to connect us better to our animals. She is a voice for animals and a healer of humans and pets. I know she gets exhausted and has to really do a lot of clearing and boundary work enegertically. I really honor her for doing this work. Healing work is so needed in the midst of this world. If more people were more into healing and kindness, little Rock would never have had to do that awful fighting and never would've been tortured like that. And I know it's not so easy to just say "let's heal everybody and be healed!". It's a complicated thing and people are in a lot of darkness. That's why when someone has a calling and are tapped into divinity moreso than others, they must offer this to the world at need. If we can manage it, sensitivity is a gift and doesn't have to be a curse. Manage it through healthy boundary lines and energy clearing through our own self knowledge. (getting to know ourselves over the years - how to do our own self care).As sad a time as this has been for me, I also feel in a way blessed by it. I feel like Rock has woken me up and I don't want to go back to sleep again. I want to really heed the messages coming at me and what you said to me about "the gift" is something I've been hearing thru' mylife but due to various *crazy!* periods you know so well about and other things, I've tuned it out. I've been afraid to tap in to my potential. In times like this of grief and loss, I always feel an opening as well. Like now is the time to wake up and acknowledge what I've been hearing - those messages. Life is so precious - through the lines of evolution, it's a wonder we are here at all as humans with our capabilities. I have been given permission (and an order!) by Rock to experience joy and love life. He did with all his big little heart. Even after all that trauma. To be open and raw with grief like this can really shift things if I/we let it. That joy of life is really an expression of "God". that bliss and peace. and a celebration of this manifested life.
Katia
Posted by woolav on August 5, 2004, at 10:27:48
In reply to Re: In Honor of Their Passing » BarbaraCat, posted by katia on August 4, 2004, at 16:29:56
Thanks so much Barbara for you encourging words. I feel better already. You seem to have a gift-you should be a counciler or something. You seem like a very special person.
God Bless
S
Posted by BarbaraCat on August 5, 2004, at 21:16:04
In reply to Re: In Honor of Their Passing » BarbaraCat, posted by katia on August 4, 2004, at 16:29:56
How true, Katia. It's a big challenge to step up to the plate and play. It's a big responsibility to have 'the gift', whatever form it takes. I know I've always been plugged into the spirit world and it's a big part of the huge sensitivity issue - mixed blessing, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I've stopped giving a rip what other people think. But what to do with it, how to make a 'living', how to keep those boundaries intact and not get sucked back into our own hell worlds.
Yes, this past 1-1/2 years with my Mom's death and then Merlin's has split the veil. I KNOW there's something I'm called to do that most people don't even want to face. Dirty job, someone's got to do it - but what is it??? I'd love to work with animals helping out people who are dying. I've felt called to work with the dying for many years now, mainly because I'm not afraid of it (call me weird but I have a much easier time with human death than animals). I've had two very near brushes with death and came back both times feeling so strongly it wasn't my time, I still had work to do - but what?? Tell me, please. Volunteered at a hospice facility, but it was pretty clinical and extremely messy and so frigging beaurocratic. The thing that was missing for me was humor and spirit and love - something the animals can do so well. But Jeeze Louise, do I really and truly want to immerse myself in THAT world? Pretty heavy stuff.
The thing that always stops me from moving forward on so many of my good ideas (I have far too many to ever see to fruition) is my perceived need for training, credentials, initials after the name. Perhaps I can troll my experience as a computer analyst, but it doesn't seem very appropro in the greater scheme of things. I see years and years of school ahead of me and it stops me every time. I barely have enough time and energy for basic everyday stuff and I'm not even working. How can I get it together to manage a new calling?
I have deep security fears and they're keeping me stuck. Doing what you love doesn't always mean the money will follow and I am so weary of the stress of trying to survive. But maybe if it were something that fired me with a sense of passion and purpose for being here, of being able to give back to life, maybe the energy and sheer delight would just be there and it would be enough. Maybe being destitute even wouldn't matter, although I'd prefer not.
I only know that not being in touch with my life's purpose, feeling like I've been drifting and wasting this vast gift of my potential has been the biggest sorrow of my life. It's the source of every illness I have. I've had so many false starts but haven't been able to see them through - it's been one delay, obstruction, illness or catastrophe after another. Good ideas that don't pan out. And here I am in the second half of my life, and I don't know where I'm going and it scares me. Sometimes I think I bear the mark of Cain, destined to wander unfulfilled. But isn't that the case with most of us? So tragic. So much work to be done on this planet and billions of us wanting so much to help but don't know where to begin. Oh, I get to feeling so sad and discouraged and need to snuggle with a warm furry kitty right now. And God help me, not think too much on the fact that this kitty too will be gone some day. Argghh, live in the moment, Barbara, this moment is just fine.
So, I guess it just means - 'start'. One foot in front of the other, breathe into the moment and stay in the heart. Listen to your own mantra, Barbara. There's that call we have to answer even if it's half formed. But I can get off on so many tangents and there's wisdom in not leaping forward as well. There's also the matter of our 'divine madness'. Shamans weren't given the time of day unless they were experienced in the ways of darkness and the underworld. Been there, done that, haven't we? I guess it's a gift and as long as we don't let ourselves get frigtened or hopeless, it can lead the way, even though in a roundabout path.
So here's to Merlin and Rock and all the other critters that have broken our hearts open. Anyone who wants to add humans to that list is welcome, but for me, animals are so much less complicated. I'm glad we've gotten to know each other so much better through these pages, Katia. Yeah, I really appreciate not having to mention 'meds' every time I want to have a heart-to-heart with you. - Barbara
Posted by Shar on August 6, 2004, at 0:23:30
In reply to My Kitty, posted by BarbaraCat on July 27, 2004, at 23:20:03
BC: I am sure your fellow awaits you, just as my girl awaits me. Maybe we'll even see each other there! The website www.petloss.com is a place we can all find comfort. It is the story of the Rainbow Bridge. You can also post a memorial to your pet (my beloved Scruffles passed in 1994), and I encourage you to do so if you want. You have my deepest sympathy.
It isn't the easiest site to navigate, but here is the Rainbow Bridge Story:
Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.
When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.
You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.
Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
See you there,
xoxo
Shar
Posted by BarbaraCat on August 6, 2004, at 16:41:32
In reply to Re: My Kitty » BarbaraCat, posted by Shar on August 6, 2004, at 0:23:30
Awwwww, thanks Shar. So beautiful. There's a special bond between people who have loved and lost their furry ones. That will be a happy day indeed when we cross the Rainbow Bridge.
I will definitely visit petloss.com and I encourage you to visit www.bestfriends.com. A wonderful sanctuary for abandoned and abused animals in SE Utah. It's so heartening to know that good folks are out there making a huge difference for the critters and getting the message out in a positive way. - Barbara
Posted by katia on August 6, 2004, at 17:14:35
In reply to Re: In Honor of Their Passing » katia, posted by BarbaraCat on August 5, 2004, at 21:16:04
Hi Barbara,
Just wanted to say that Cathy was over yesterday for three hours! It was a good day. Rock is here still patroling around and snuggling with me. It has blown me away. He was crying because he loved his alter so and he never realized he could be loved like this. It is part of his healing in the spirit world - me sending him my love still. He feels very honored and is also very sad and remorseful that he had to put me through that last night. He knew no other way of telling me it was time for him to go. I'm glad I really listened and was there for him when he went.Little sneakster had a plan from the beginning apparently. Before I closed on the house and was over here looking at it, I walked out of the front gate and this big black pit bull came running up to me on the sidewalk very "chesty" and curious who I was. I said hello to him and escorted him inside the fence thinking he was the previous home owner's dog. That was his in. (remember my next door neighbor's kept him securely in the backyard b/c of his dog aggression issues brought on by those bad men. He snuck out to meet me). Apparently, when i showed up, he saw a bright light and had to get over here and meet me. It took some doing on his part and he finally figured out a way to sneak through the back fence weeks later after I closed and had moved in. He said that he would bark by my window all the time so that I would let him over here. It worked. That's why I invited him over at first because I knew his barking was a cry for help and it was also driving me crazy and he always stopped it when he was with me.
It makes me laugh now to think all that was his plan to "get the girl" and it worked.
anyway, I just thought you'd like to hear this. I feel so much better now knowing he is choosing to still be here while being supported and doing his healing in the spirit world. and part of his healing has been my sorrow over losing him and missing him and honoring his life with the alter. He said he didn't think anyone would miss him. I love that little bright ball of joy rascal that he is.
Katia
p.s. Cathy works over the phone everywhere including even Australia. I'm sure you could do some work with her. You know my name if you want to say who referred you. And you know Rock's name.
Posted by BarbaraCat on August 6, 2004, at 18:43:23
In reply to Speaking with Rock » BarbaraCat, posted by katia on August 6, 2004, at 17:14:35
He sounds like quite the amazing personality, and a little conniver. He knew what he wanted, that's for sure. Animals have such a true sense. They can tell who is a friend. We had a cat that adopted us from a house next door. He knew a good thing. What a cat. He was Merlin's protector and hunting sensei. They're together now.
I had an unusual experience yesterday. Was in a very deep meditation and Merlin came through out of the blue and let me know he was more than a little pissed at us for 'sending him away'. He didn't understand why. It was Ok for him to be sick as long as he was with us. He was very hurt. It caught me by total surprise because I'd had some lovely images of him being free, happy, unemcumbered by a suffering body. I didn't understand how my very real and powerful sense of happy and free Merlin jibed with this hurt and angry one. What I got as best as I can understand, with his explanation, is that pieces of spirits can splinter off and exist in multiple dimensions and densities. So, the free spirit of Merlin 'over the Rainbow Bridge' is real, but the sad little outcast one needs to be healed as well. It seemed to be enough that I acknowledged his hurt, and took the extra effort to explain that it was NOT that we did not 'not want him anymore' but did it out of deep love for him. His little particle of earth personality was hurt and needed to be reassured.
I guess that's where ghosts and such come in. Things can happen at the moment of death - quantum levels of reality. We seem to assume that once they're dead, all is wonderful and made perfectly clear. But he fought to his very last cellular spark to stay here and he made it very clear that the taking of his precious life was not to be taken lightly, and not all was rosy. It seemed to matter to him that I was sorry and asked for his forgiveness. He gave it freely but it seemed important to him that I was very clear about how not OK it was for his life to be cut short. He probably would have lived another 2 days at the most, but that's a little animal's logic for you.
Alot to be incorporated. I know this was not just random guilt stuff. I had no doubts or misgivings about the decision to free him from his starving little suffocating body -- I sure hope someone will do the same for me should I reach that point! But I now feel as though something has finally been put to rest that felt incomplete and now feels complete. How interesting. We're apparently still in an ongoing relationship with those we love, no matter what their form.
Cathy sounds wonderful and I will contact her. Blessings to you. - Barbara
Posted by katia on August 6, 2004, at 19:29:54
In reply to Re: Speaking with Rock » katia, posted by BarbaraCat on August 6, 2004, at 18:43:23
I like to think of it as he was/is incredibly smart and also in so much pain and desolation that was going to do what it took to "come to the light" as he put it. I thank the heavens above that his pure little soul found its way to me. I'm so grateful he was insistent because I was so very busy that I couldn't hear that well.
He told Cathy that whatever he was coming back as, it was NOT going to be a female. He is very masculine. I laughed at that.
Your experience sounds like a good one because you connected with Merlin. Cathy can sure help either validate that or let you know that it was your guilt. I'm sure you know anyway for yourself.
Where did he get his name?
Katia
Posted by BarbaraCat on August 7, 2004, at 1:42:16
In reply to Re: Speaking with Rock » BarbaraCat, posted by katia on August 6, 2004, at 19:29:54
> I like to think of it as he was/is incredibly smart and also in so much pain and desolation that was going to do what it took to "come to the light" as he put it. I thank the heavens above that his pure little soul found its way to me. I'm so grateful he was insistent because I was so very busy that I couldn't hear that well.
**Seems like Rock was a catalyst for some deep shifts in you. You were both lucky. Some old connections from lifetimes of assisting each other.
>
>>Cathy can sure help either validate that or let you know that it was your guilt.**I'll be good to connect with her. I'm faily certain it wasn't guilt and hope it's not just mind stuff making a fantasy out of it - but I don't think so. I miss him very much but was and am clear about the need for sending him off. I've had quite a few contacts with other souls and energies and they usually hit me out of the blue with surprising info. I can associate some of the more florid ones with my manic highs but the real ones have a definite genuine feel. This was real and I'm grateful that things were cleared up and copacetic. He simply needed acknowledgement and to consider his feelings in the matter. That was only one small part of his great soul - but it still needed to be heard. Even the Vet and the assistant were amazed at his tenacity - little heart just kept on beating.
The experience made me consider alot more deeply the issues that could arise around a death - a living being may not feel 'ready' to go, maybe unfinished business, attachments, violent conditions around the passing, whatever, and strong reactive energies may emerge. This wasn't the case with Merlin, his was just a little 'hey, you know, I wasn't exactly thrilled to be escorted from the life I loved - and you need to be aware of that.' No blame, just a little renmant of a personality thing that had it's say and then felt satisfied and happy to have been heard. It feels complete.
I can almost see a ritual of Atonement for loved ones who have died, simply acknowledging regret for having caused any harm and asking forgiveness. A good way to clear the psychic air. I don't think there is such a ritual, maybe the closest is Mexico's Dia de Muerta but that's not really a formal seeking of amends. I'm sure Cathy will be able to assist, but any thoughts on this are welcome.
>
> Where did Merlin get his name?**He was a gorgeous Maine Coon, and he had an 'M' on his forhead, like tabbies usually do. 'M' seemed be cropping up and besides he was pure magic, a strong willed, but very kind and incredibly loving cat. Protected the young ones as they were growing, very intelligent. Had a wise and generous nature, and what a wooshie-wooshie snuggler. Merlin fit him well.
How did you post your pictures of Rock? I'd love to post some pictures of my guy just to share who he was and his wonderful energy.
**Katia, I don't know about you, but my mood disorder seems so irrelevant in the face of what's gone on. Things have shifted, like I'm seeing out of new eyes. I still feel shakey and prone to intense emotions, but they pass. I'm looking at it like 'well, this is high sensitivity living and it's a gift, so learn to deal with it'. It's hard enough living with one foot behind the Veil at the best of times. I'm so done with letting my weird neuro-chemical soup throw unnecessary obstacles in the way and muddy my path. I'm sick of living an unlived life.
I don't know where any of this is going, but I'm willing to stay open and alert until the path becomes more clear. Praying to the Great Spirit for guidance is the only thing I know how to do at this point, but at least I know that much. You know what I'm saying? Bipolar depressions have robbed me of my life energy far too long and it's time to send that toxic stuff off into the Light where it can do no more harm. But no matter what, no way I'm going off my lithium. - Barbara
Posted by katia on August 7, 2004, at 13:47:29
In reply to Re: Speaking with Rock » katia, posted by BarbaraCat on August 7, 2004, at 1:42:16
>This was real and I'm grateful that things were cleared up and copacetic. He simply needed acknowledgement and to consider his feelings in the matter. That was only one small part of his great soul - but it still needed to be heard. Even the Vet and the assistant were amazed at his tenacity - little heart just kept on beating.
**I'm sure it was real too Barbara. It's always nice to get validation for it though. I'm glad that it feels complete. That is important.
**The other day I was sitting on the loveseat outside (the previous owner of this house left it and I chucked it out back. Rock LOVED it so it stays). We used to sit on that together and it was his favorite thing in the world and it wasn't so bad for me either! I was sitting there and felt him there too and began cooing and petting the air as tho' he was there. Then Cathy came over two days ago and I asked her if Rock has contacted me in a physical way. She said that he was telling her that I knew he was with me on the loveseat that day! I honestly wasn't really sure because I'm not as aware as Cathy, but I felt his energy and now I know that that is real. And how could she have known that I was petting the air on the loveseat a week earilier!? He's still here, but not physically and without his demons now. They are gone.
> The experience made me consider alot more deeply the issues that could arise around a death - a living being may not feel 'ready' to go, maybe unfinished business, attachments, violent conditions around the passing, whatever, and strong reactive energies may emerge.
**ME TOO! I'm very curious about this now. So curious I want to stay awake and not fall back to sleep. I mean this metaphorically! Even though the events leading up to Rock's death were violent, he died peacefully in my loving arms. Cathy said that he really really needed that (I think on a soul-like evolutionary healing level). I also had no idea that by lighting the candles and placing his alter in honor of his life could help him still heal in the spirit world. I can't really grasp it totally that he is with me still and everywhere as well. On one level i can, but don't really understand on my ego/personality level. I would love to be so connected like Cathy.
>
> I can almost see a ritual of Atonement for loved ones who have died, simply acknowledging regret for having caused any harm and asking forgiveness. A good way to clear the psychic air. I don't think there is such a ritual, maybe the closest is Mexico's Dia de Muerta but that's not really a formal seeking of amends. I'm sure Cathy will be able to assist, but any thoughts on this are welcome.**again, I think by just making a physical place for honoring their life is a lot. Cathy suggested that I sit down kindof in meditative state and ask Rock any questions and just let words flow through me onto paper. As a way of connecting with him. I just hope he's not lonely. Maybe I could ask him that.
> >>
> How did you post your pictures of Rock? I'd love to post some pictures of my guy just to share who he was and his wonderful energy.**I guess I wasn't very clear about this. Those were pictures of Rock when he was like 3 years old in his blue ribbon days. I found them on the web through the Bull Rock Kennels where he was bred. He was seven when he met me and when he died he had just turned 8 on May 27th. I didn't know him before his "damage" as he calls it. I'm not quite sure how to post pictures as that was just a link to their website.
> **Katia, I don't know about you, but my mood disorder seems so irrelevant in the face of what's gone on. Things have shifted, like I'm seeing out of new eyes. I still feel shakey and prone to intense emotions, but they pass. I'm looking at it like 'well, this is high sensitivity living and it's a gift, so learn to deal with it'. It's hard enough living with one foot behind the Veil at the best of times. I'm so done with letting my weird neuro-chemical soup throw unnecessary obstacles in the way and muddy my path. I'm sick of living an unlived life.** to me, you are very much alive Barbara and living. Maybe not the way you think it "should" be.
**I agree. grief always wakes me up and puts me in touch with Spirit more and that is actually very healing. It is so tricky this being human with a dx and meds and working it all out. Meds are good, and just a part of what keeps me in a balance.>
> I don't know where any of this is going, but I'm willing to stay open and alert until the path becomes more clear. Praying to the Great Spirit for guidance is the only thing I know how to do at this point, but at least I know that much. You know what I'm saying? Bipolar depressions have robbed me of my life energy far too long and it's time to send that toxic stuff off into the Light where it can do no more harm. But no matter what, no way I'm going off my lithium. - Barbara
>
**I know EXACTLY what you're saying. Rock has a song by Sarah McLachlan track no. 7 "Answer" on her latest. It is his song. "Cast me gently into morning for the night has been unkind. Take me to a place so holy that I can wash this from my mind, the memory of choosing not to fight...when the stars have all burned out you'll still be burning so bright. Cast me gently into morning for the night has been unkind".
He loves that he has a song and it really was written for him in my mind. It's my song to him.
Katia
>
Posted by BarbaraCat on August 7, 2004, at 14:18:54
In reply to Re: Speaking with Rock » BarbaraCat, posted by katia on August 7, 2004, at 13:47:29
Katia,
I love Sarah MacLachlan and I'm definitely going to get her latest. That song, the words so beautiful they brought tears to my eyes, will be so much more special because it's Rock's song. The bit I know of his history, it seems like the angels composed it for him special.Thanks for your encouragement and keep the faith words. I've been feeling a mixture of blue and transcendant during this time. A strange but not bad emotional place. But I feel somewhat isolated -- too emotionally sensitive as I need to process what's taking place -- and not ready to be out in the world. My husband's been busy at a music festival, out there performing, having fun, mingling with the madding crowd. It's a little too much for me at this point. So thanks for being there and being my good friend. We've been good buddies and support for each other through alot, eh? These are deep things we've been sharing.
That was pretty amazing about Cathy knowing about the love seat. But not really surprising since there's so much more beyond this tiny 5 sense reality. Well, I think all this has been a major opening for us and we have a responsibility to fulfill it. I'd like to see it as a joyful, passionate calling (whatever it turns out to be) rather than an ugh 'responsibility'. Sounds so heavy. I also ask for the energy and focus to see it through.
I'll be going into town early this week and will get Sarah's CD.. I promise I'll light a candle for your pooch while I'm most likely sobbing my eyes out - but in a good way. Tis better to have loved and lost... - Barbara
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