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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by mair on October 18, 2004, at 16:18:38
My father died 8 days ago, at the age of 84. He had been in declining health for several years, and was frequently hospitalized, but we only knew that he wasn't going to recover from his most recent malady about 10 days before he died. I'm one of 5 siblings. For the last several days before he died, we were all there with my much disliked stepmother, taking turns caring for him. Being the person that he was, we had 2 full funeral/memorial services, on successive days, both pretty emotionally draining, and there was alot of stress arising from the family dynamics of 5 adult children and his wife residing in the same house and caring for him and then trying to agree on arrangements. I only just came home at the end of last week.
We all had mixed feelings about my father and at times I've had alot of difficulty with him. However, it's like I can feel nothing (negative or positive), and haven't been able to show/feel any emotion either before or since he died. This is unique to me. There's been alot of sobbing going on by other family members/friends etc.
It makes me feel that I'm some cold emotionless automaton, and I guess part of me is a bit concerned that this is just going to morph into a more serious depression.
Posted by Jai Narayan on October 19, 2004, at 7:33:41
In reply to What happens when you can't grieve?, posted by mair on October 18, 2004, at 16:18:38
mair, death of a parent is full of confusing emotions. it sounds like you need time to get used to this. sometimes lack of emotion is shock and that wears off. Eventually feelings will come. It would be helpful if you could be kind to yourself and not expect to behave in certain ways.
when my mother died. I didn't cry. I was tied up in other emotions....one of them was relief. She died in 2003 and I'm still working it out. I had a difficult relationship with her.
I had been doing EMDR on my relationship with her since 2000 and all that work helped me to come out from under my adaptions to her oppression.
so by the time she died, I was reborn.In my experience with my parents deaths...there's been a gift to me on a deep and delightful level.
I don't know if others have had this happen.mair, keep posting and talking about it....
Jai
Posted by mair on October 19, 2004, at 16:53:14
In reply to Re: What happens when you can't grieve?, posted by Jai Narayan on October 19, 2004, at 7:33:41
Thanks Jai
I met with my T today for the first time in a couple of weeks, and we talked about my lack of an emotional response. She reminded me that my emotional connection with him hasn't been all that strong in the last few years - all true, but you could've probably said the same thing about my grieving siblings.
My T feels that my father, while not at all deliberately abusive, was not a good fit as a parent for me. She's been trying for awhile to help me see a connection between the way I was parented, and some of the difficulties I struggle with now. Sometimes I can see the connection on an intellectual level, but I have never been able to really "feel" it, and I've always thought her analysis was a stretch. His poor health in the last couple of years, and certainly his death make it seem harder for me to conger up any of the negative feelings I used to have for him, ie. anger and hurt. I'm somewhat ashamed to admit that after he died, and we went through the services, I had this thought that now I was never going to understand on an emotional level, what my T has been talking about. Sort of that I'd never now be able to connect with the more negative memories (which are hard enough for me to remember in the first place).
I think I really want to mourn him; I want to feel some emotional response to his death.
I guess for now I'll have to settle for the fact that I was at least able to talk about some of this with my T. Sometimes talking to her is such a struggle, but this being the unemotional subject I've turned it into, talking came pretty easily.
Mair
Posted by Jai Narayan on October 19, 2004, at 19:14:53
In reply to Re: What happens when you can't grieve? » Jai Narayan, posted by mair on October 19, 2004, at 16:53:14
have you ever tried to make yourself laugh....you know really hard. sometimes that can be a lead into other emotions.
As a child I would lay on the couch upside down and make faces at my sister...she was doing the same thing right next to me and the upside down position made me laugh..
Do sad movies get to you? I know it's not on the topic but you'd be surprised at how effective that can be. If you need a sad movie..."Rabbit Proof Fence" is really sad. It made me cry big time.
keep me posted.
Jai
Posted by mair on October 19, 2004, at 20:50:04
In reply to Re: What happens when you can't grieve?, posted by Jai Narayan on October 19, 2004, at 19:14:53
real life tragedy doesn't move me apparently as much as Hollywood schmaltz. I can get teary in sad or poignant movies.
The only time i can even remember sobbing in the last umpteen years was at a couple of different funerals - just not at my own father's funeral(s).
I loved what you said about laughing though. It seems like it's been years since i laughed really hard at something. - I'll have to work on that.
Mair
Posted by Jai Narayan on October 20, 2004, at 8:11:14
In reply to Re: What happens when you can't grieve? » Jai Narayan, posted by mair on October 19, 2004, at 20:50:04
> real life tragedy doesn't move me apparently as much as Hollywood schmaltz. I can get teary in sad or poignant movies.
**that's good that it moves you. you can use the Hollywood schmaltz entry point to get the deeper emotions out. It's a kick start method and it works. It works for me. remember the point is to get emotions moving.
>
> I loved what you said about laughing though. It seems like it's been years since i laughed really hard at something. - I'll have to work on that.
>
**For me sometimes laughter can get to the hidden emotions of fear and even terror and get them out in a fun way. I feel better after a good laugh. I feel less stress and lighter.
good medicine.
Jai
Posted by mair on October 20, 2004, at 17:27:01
In reply to Re: What happens when you can't grieve?, posted by Jai Narayan on October 20, 2004, at 8:11:14
Why do you say there's been a gift to you when your parents died?
Did you ever find yourself mourning the loss of the relationship you wish you had with your mother?
My T actually thinks that my father's death might make it easier for me to feel a connection between the messages she thinks I got from him, and the way I am now. Her conjecture is that maybe I'll feel less guilty about blaming him for things. I'm not so sure of that, but I do find myself sometimes just wanting to feel sorry for the insecure child I was - or just really wishing I had a different relationship with my father.
Mair
Posted by mair on October 20, 2004, at 17:47:06
In reply to Re: What happens when you can't grieve?, posted by Jai Narayan on October 20, 2004, at 8:11:14
Sorry to keep after you - you've been so great about listening.
My father's employer started a web page where people could write down their memories about my father. It's hard for me to read them although of course I keep going back to that site to see what's written. I don't know why it's so hard - I can't tell whether reading this stuff is making me miss him, or is just making me sorry that my memories aren't the same.
Posted by Jai Narayan on October 20, 2004, at 20:01:14
In reply to Re: What happens when you can't grieve? » Jai Narayan, posted by mair on October 20, 2004, at 17:47:06
Or it could be that seeing the website gives you both of those feelings and more.
I was jealous of people who had a good relationship with my mother because I didn't. I just felt pain and discomfort when I was around her.
She had rejected me from birth.
So there was nothing I could do to redeem myself in her eyes.
It's kind of nice to have her gone.
Her gift to me was my struggle. she forced me to grow.
EMDR has liberated me from the worthlessness I felt.Now I know I can, not only, survive a life and death struggle but thrive. I know I am that strong.
so I hope this has helped I got caught up in my story.
I have enjoyed our communication.
Jai
Posted by mair on October 21, 2004, at 22:25:50
In reply to Re: What happens when you can't grieve?, posted by Jai Narayan on October 20, 2004, at 20:01:14
jai - can you explain to me in what way EMDR helped you "redeem" yourself. I don't understand much about it.
Thanks
Mair
Posted by Jai Narayan on October 22, 2004, at 15:03:33
In reply to Re: What happens when you can't grieve? » Jai Narayan, posted by mair on October 21, 2004, at 22:25:50
I had heard of EMDR from my partner. He was living with a great deal of pain. He had witnessed his son burning in a fire. The son died of the burns but my partner lived on with the image of his son in the fire. The little boy was 2 1/2 years old.
So many years after it happened and frequent flash backs later he came upon this therapy. He did 4 sessions of EMDR and the flash backs are totally gone. Gone.
I was excited by his good experiences and started my trek on the EMDR path.
I started out hyper-vigilant about everything, my sleep was very disturbed, fear of loss, terrible self esteem,suicidal....etc.
So I have worked since 2000 on my traumas and I am totally different right down to my vibration.
I am liberated from the fear driven person I was.
I think that's a redemption of the self.Thanks for asking.
Jai
Posted by Shar on October 23, 2004, at 22:54:59
In reply to What happens when you can't grieve?, posted by mair on October 18, 2004, at 16:18:38
Mair,
Grieving takes different forms for different people. I work as a volunteer in a hospice setting, and they don't even contact folks for bereavement counseling until at least 6 weeks after the death occurs.There are so many, varied factors that come into play after one loses a loved one. (or maybe a partly-loved one.) There is all the shock, denial, anger, whatever.
Are you in a place that has hospice and/or bereavement services? That might be of great help.
When my dad died at age 14 (I was 14), I made myself a cup of instant coffee and drank it while my mother and sister were hysterical in the other room. We all deal with things differently, and if you have access to folks who deal with death and bereavement, it can be a great help.
Best regards,
Shar
Posted by mair on October 25, 2004, at 22:13:16
In reply to Re: What happens when you can't grieve? » mair, posted by Shar on October 23, 2004, at 22:54:59
Shar - I'm impressed that you volunteer for hospice. What do you do? We brought my father home from the hospital about 6 days before he died and the hospice were there at least once every day. They really did make things alot easier for us.
I guess I'm just looking for a deeper emotional reaction, and maybe it'll come at some point, although I tend to doubt it. My therapist notes that my attachment to him had been pretty sketchy for a long time although that certainly wasn't true when I was much younger. I tend to worry that years of depression, meds and therapy have simply numbed me so I no longer react to anything of substance.
Mair
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