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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Eddie Sylvano on November 26, 2003, at 9:08:00
It's no big surprise that people develop crushes or attachements to their therapists. Therapy is a very intimate environment, and intimacy breeds attachment, especially when that person is as accepting and supportive as the role of therapist mandates. It's an artificial recipie for closeness; it gets issues addressed that would require years of dating anyone else. The therapist is also desirable if you like the "hard to get" types. It's a situation bathed in the idea that nothing will happen, so to speak.
Even if it isn't an idea you might consciously entertain, the presence of a potential mate puts anyone in a different frame of mind, of self-consciousness, when you'd ideally be thinking about your more routine internal psychodynamics.
Given this, what do any of you think about the importance of gender? Does it matter? Has either gender helped more?
Posted by Speaker on November 26, 2003, at 9:27:27
In reply to Opposite gender therapists a bad idea?, posted by Eddie Sylvano on November 26, 2003, at 9:08:00
I have found that I am more open to men (being a female) and am now looking for a new therapist. I am not even thinking about trying a female. I have a very stable marriage and I would make sure its not someone that I found drawing. I don't think there is a black and white answer. I think for some it could be potential disaster and for others its the only road to freedom.
Posted by mair on November 26, 2003, at 9:42:15
In reply to Opposite gender therapists a bad idea?, posted by Eddie Sylvano on November 26, 2003, at 9:08:00
I've had both. I've made much more progress with a female therapist although this may be because I've been willing to stick with her longer. Attachments don't come easily and there was just too much stuff I wasn't willing to talk to my male therapist about. There's still lots of stuff I don't like to share with my current therapist, but I'm more comfortable pushing myself now.
I also think it helps that like me, my therapist is a working mother, and although she's younger than I am, the age difference isn't all that acute. My male therapist was much older.
When I read here of some of the patient-therapist infatuations, I'm really relieved I don't have a male therapist. I think I have transference issues at times, but they are never sexual.
Mair
Posted by Dinah on November 26, 2003, at 9:55:32
In reply to Opposite gender therapists a bad idea?, posted by Eddie Sylvano on November 26, 2003, at 9:08:00
I don't think I'm particularly comfortable with either sex, so I don't think it'd make much difference. My personal history is to feel a bit more comfortable with intimacy with men. It's more important to me what they "feel" like. Some men "feel" too aggressive. Some women "feel" too soft. And perhaps vice versa, though that hasn't been my experience. My therapist feels open and receptive but with a firm core that can withstand anything I throw at him. Solid as a rock on the inside, someone to be able to rely on. But open and receptive as well. As long as a therapist felt juuuussst like him, I don't suppose I'd mind which sex they are. :)
But I'm not terribly sexual, so these erotic transferences don't crop up. I don't think I'd like to have one of those.
Posted by Poet on November 26, 2003, at 10:39:34
In reply to Opposite gender therapists a bad idea?, posted by Eddie Sylvano on November 26, 2003, at 9:08:00
I choose a female therapist because I thought I'd be more comfortable with someone of the same sex. I have a tough time talking about many things, but I
think that the choice I made is right for me.Poet
Posted by Penny on November 26, 2003, at 10:48:30
In reply to Opposite gender therapists a bad idea?, posted by Eddie Sylvano on November 26, 2003, at 9:08:00
I have a particularly difficult time trusting men, so I didn't even consider seeing a male therapist at first. Though since then the thought has occurred to me that seeing a male therapist might help me work through some of my 'men' issues. I just feel much more comfortable with women.
That said, my pdoc is male and I have very little trouble opening up to him and being pretty darn honest. And it has been therapeutic, because he's taught me that there are men who can be trusted. I also saw one of my therapist's male colleagues when she was out of town one time, and I felt pretty comfortable with him. But I think a female therapist is a better fit for me.
P
Posted by judy1 on November 26, 2003, at 12:06:14
In reply to Opposite gender therapists a bad idea?, posted by Eddie Sylvano on November 26, 2003, at 9:08:00
I have a male shrink (who does therapy also) and a female therapist. For me it's a parenting type of situation. I think each gender has something to offer and I certainly wouldn't rule out a therapist for their gender, to me the fit is so much more important.
take care, judy
Posted by femlite on November 26, 2003, at 13:40:36
In reply to Opposite gender therapists a bad idea?, posted by Eddie Sylvano on November 26, 2003, at 9:08:00
Im in a really "I cant stand pdocs" mood today so take it all with a grain of salt.
I ve been to three therapist. One a female and two males. I havent liked any of them. Why because Im convinced the Psychiatrist seperate from a therapist model is not going to work for me. I cant take this "sum up the past two weeks of your life in 15 minutes" approach which all pdocs Ive met so far are guilty of .
I really think a prescriptive therapist is the idea model and this one is the only one in my town.
I dont like to talk to either males or females but it may be I havent found the "right fit" Im begginign to loose hope in fitting anywhere. Im a bad patient it seems. I cant take someones word for something unless I understand why. (in part a symptom of PB itis) :-/
I havent respected any of my therapists thus far. The therapists MD, im seeing next week sounds like an elderly gentelemen. I imagine I wont have sexual cconflict over that. And Like you said Diana, I dont often feel sexually motivated normally.
Thanks for letting me rant.
Posted by Eddie Sylvano on November 26, 2003, at 16:15:51
In reply to Re: Opposite gender therapists a bad idea?, posted by femlite on November 26, 2003, at 13:40:36
> I really think a prescriptive therapist is the idea model and this one is the only one in my town.
----------That idea makes a good deal of sense to me, too. I know that Illinois allows therapists with certain credentials to prescribe psychotropics.
I'm trying to get a gague on what patients want in a therapist because I'm again having the intense desire to chuck computer programming and become a therapist. It's a field that I read about endlessly as it is, and feel that I could do very well in. Maybe it's from being a middle child, an introverted observer, or just good luck, but I feel as though I have a better than average ability to read people, and an unshakeable, patient, dispassionate nature. It shocks me to hear some of the things on the board about the behavior of therapists. There evidently aren't enough good ones.
Along another vein, I can understand the concern that a therapist not be dim-witted. It's hard to take advice or guidance from someone who doesn't inspire much confidence or authority, and seems to be following a reference algorithm of treatment without much deeper understanding than its execution. I can do better than that.
Posted by fallsfall on November 26, 2003, at 17:55:44
In reply to Re: Opposite gender therapists a bad idea?, posted by Eddie Sylvano on November 26, 2003, at 16:15:51
I am female, and my first therapist was female - I thought I would be more open with a woman. When I had to choose a new therapist, my first therapist said that she thought I should see a man. She was quite adamant about it, but I never quite found out why. I continued to think that I would do better with a woman, but I interviewed both women and men. I ended up choosing a man - I asked him as part of the interview if I should go to a man or a woman (considering my transference was causing a problem with my current therapist). His answer was (I thought) really smart. He said that I should go to a good therapist. That transference would happen no matter whether the therapist was male or female. I have the same transference issue with him that I had with my first (female) therapist - so I believe that he is correct. (Note, however, that my transference is not a sexual one - like others sex isn't high on my list of important things. I have read, though, that heterosexual clients can have sexual transferences with same-sex therapists (or viceversa)).
So, be a good therapist.
Posted by DaisyM on November 26, 2003, at 22:53:16
In reply to Re: Opposite gender therapists a bad idea? » Eddie Sylvano, posted by fallsfall on November 26, 2003, at 17:55:44
I also interviewed women and men, thinking I wanted a woman. Turns out one was too touchy/feely and the other woman reminded me of my mother! (I met with her 3 times during which time she asked for info on my agency (for kids) then referred a family. Great but it was too weird for me to have these boundaries crossed so quickly.) When I called the Therapist I have now, he invited me in, and we met twice for me to decide. He is quiet and gentle and funny. He is completely disconnected from the rest of my life, especially professionally. That was a really good start. I've told him things I never intended to.
I think an erotic transference is unlikely. I agree with above posts, it is about "fit" not gender.
Posted by NikkiT2 on November 28, 2003, at 18:44:40
In reply to Opposite gender therapists a bad idea?, posted by Eddie Sylvano on November 26, 2003, at 9:08:00
But.. (and I've not read all replies so it might have come up before!) what about those of us who have crushes on either sex??!
Would we need a eunuch?? Or maybe an alien with no specific gender??
;)
Nikki x
Posted by LostGirl on November 30, 2003, at 21:21:28
In reply to Opposite gender therapists a bad idea?, posted by Eddie Sylvano on November 26, 2003, at 9:08:00
I was totally in love with my male therapist, but I could never quite figure it out. I didn't/couldn't fantasize about him because it felt too taboo and not what it was all about. It was more about being drawn in by how warm and kind he was til he screwed up badly and it was over. Now I see a woman, no chance of falling in love there, but she is really a cold fish. Much sharper than he was, but not a warm person. Which somehow is a relief to me, since I don't get attached, but also makes me wish that warmth was there.
In general I think their personality and how comfortable and safe and accepted you feel is what matters most.
Posted by judy1 on December 1, 2003, at 9:22:18
In reply to Re: Opposite gender therapists a bad idea?, posted by LostGirl on November 30, 2003, at 21:21:28
I agree with you about personality over gender. I had a male therp I was 'in love' with and now have a female who is even warmer than the other one. since transference isn't always sexual, I could see a 'mommy' thing happening, but it hasn't. I probably don't have issues there.
take care, judy
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