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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by All Done on January 28, 2004, at 12:35:32
>I am just curious as to how you and others deal with your transference if you have a spouse or SO you have to contend with. I found it very hard.
Miss Honey,
I hope you don’t mind that I used part of your post to crushedout to start a new thread…
I know what you’re saying about it being hard. I’m just now starting to feel a little confused about how to handle my husband and his feelings and questions about my therapy sessions. When I first started seeing Beefcake, I guess I was in a bit of a crisis and my husband knew everything that was going on and why I was going. As the months have gone on, therapy has turned into a much different thing for me. A good thing, I believe, but now I’ve shared many more “secrets” with Beefcake and we’ve talked about things I would never dream of talking to my husband about. This makes me feel so guilty (a feeling that’s all too familiar for me). I imagine I’ll have to start spending a little more of my session time on this.
Just last week, though, I talked to Beefcake about my journaling. I was feeling very nervous that my husband would find my book and misunderstand what I’d written – especially about my transference feelings toward Beefcake. I know I could explain everything, but it would be difficult because I’m pretty sure my husband doesn’t know what transference is as he’s never even taken a high school psychology course. Beefcake told me that often times a spouse might become jealous over the other spouse’s therapy sessions, but we didn’t really get into what to do about it, since I wasn’t feeling that my husband was jealous. I was just presenting a “what if” scenario. Until the “what if” became somewhat of a reality, I think, the next day. My husband actually asked me if Beefcake (of course, he doesn’t know about *this* name – if he did, he probably wouldn’t be asking the question) is attractive. I gave him the truth with a smile. I said, “not as attractive as you”. I hoped that this answer would assure him as well as get him to ask any other questions or tell me about any concerns he may have, but he just laughed and didn’t say anything else. Maybe someday, he’ll bring it up again. I don’t think I will because I don’t want to attach an “importance” that it doesn’t deserve. I don’t want to worry him. Then again, sometimes I think my husband is way more understanding and secure with himself than I give him credit for.
I think I need to come up with a "name" for my husband. I don't know if it should start with a B or something else. Any suggestions?
Posted by Dinah on January 28, 2004, at 12:54:39
In reply to Transference and SOs - Miss Honeychurch, posted by All Done on January 28, 2004, at 12:35:32
I wonder sometimes if the emotional intimacy with our therapists isn't some sort of betrayal of the vows.
But since my transference is purely maternal. And since my husband knows full well (and it's true) that I don't have enough in common with my therapist to enjoy spending time with him outside of sessions or even to want him as a friend, my husband isn't really jealous. Although my husband mentioned once that he thought my therapist was attractive, but he knows what physical "type" I find attractive and my therapist isn't it, so he wasn't overly concerned about it.
But is it ok to tell our therapists things we would never tell our husbands? And if we didn't have therapists would we be forced into closer intimacy with our husbands? I can't think that would be a good thing for our marriage.....
Posted by All Done on January 28, 2004, at 13:32:25
In reply to Re: Transference and SOs - Miss Honeychurch » All Done, posted by Dinah on January 28, 2004, at 12:54:39
> I wonder sometimes if the emotional intimacy with our therapists isn't some sort of betrayal of the vows.
>
> But since my transference is purely maternal. And since my husband knows full well (and it's true) that I don't have enough in common with my therapist to enjoy spending time with him outside of sessions or even to want him as a friend, my husband isn't really jealous. Although my husband mentioned once that he thought my therapist was attractive, but he knows what physical "type" I find attractive and my therapist isn't it, so he wasn't overly concerned about it.
>
> But is it ok to tell our therapists things we would never tell our husbands? And if we didn't have therapists would we be forced into closer intimacy with our husbands? I can't think that would be a good thing for our marriage.....
I do feel like I'm betraying or cheating on my husband in a way. It seems so wrong that I've been comparing the two of them all the time and it's even worse when Beefcake "wins".Recently, I've found myself hesitating to tell my husband some things because I know he won't or can't give me as "good" of a response as my therapist will. Would I have even brought these things up if I didn't have Beefcake, though? I'm guessing no because I'm thinking about so much more now that I'm in therapy. These things probably wouldn't have crossed my mind before and they're coming up because of therapy, so I guess it's only natural that my therapist is the one to help me work through them.
As far as intimacy goes, I think Beefcake is teaching me about intimacy so I can be more intimate with my husband and have some level of intimacy with others in my life. I think there are many different levels of intimacy, it's just that the therapeutic intimacy feels so close to perhaps the highest level. Can we ever really achieve this with anyone, though, or do we just get different levels from different people?
I guess I'm clinging to the belief that if therapy is working to make me a better person for myself, my husband will be able reap the rewards as well. Maybe unfortunately, though, Beefcake isn't teaching my husband as well : (. So then what? And does the end justify the means? (Oops! Did I just say end? What end? :))
Posted by Karen_kay on January 28, 2004, at 18:16:48
In reply to Re: Transference and SOs » Dinah, posted by All Done on January 28, 2004, at 13:32:25
Oh....Oh....Oh... My boyfriend can't stand Bubba. He met him once and liked him then, but overheard a telephone conversation with my sister where I said something about humping Bubba, and my boyfriend snarls everytime I mention him. I mentioned the situation to Bubba, and he said, "Well, shouldn't you be more careful about making comments like that in front of your boyfriend?" At least he didn't tell me to stop making comments like that all together :)
It's even worse for me, because my therapist almost convinces me to leave my boyfriend. I'm not happy, but I do love him. I'm just not sure where the problem is. Is it with me, or my boyfriend? And it isn't that he tells me to leave my boyfriend, but he thinks I should. I keep telling him, "Well, if your brother weren't married, I may think about it." I'm just confused as to whether or not things would work with my boyfriend and we've been together for 5 years. And I'm convinced the problem's mine....Yeah, if there's a contest, Bubba wins, hands down.. Unless I'm mad at him, then my boyfriend wins. But I'm not mad at Bubba often.
As for the intimacy... Well, remember that Beefcake is there soley for you. There's almost no compromise involved. So it's hard to say if that's a realistic interpretation of a "real" emotional realationship within a marriage or relationship with a SO, you know?? I mean the other person (the therapist) doesn't have to worry about getting his feelings hurt, as he only sees you for an hour a week or maybe twice a week. Oh goodness, I hope that it is possible in the "real world" but a relationship where someone isn't overly sensitive or too worried about getting their own feelings hurt??? Now that's unheard of!
But, on the upside, since therapy, I've learned that I can trust men. So, even if things don't work out in this relationship, maybe in the next 2 or 3 hundred :) I'll be able to trust men and be more open with my feelings and emotions. Maybe I'll be the typical female in the relationship and my old man will be the typical man?? Maybe not though! I do like those drama queens :)
Posted by pegasus on January 28, 2004, at 19:08:14
In reply to Transference and SOs - Miss Honeychurch, posted by All Done on January 28, 2004, at 12:35:32
This is a tricky one, isn't it! I used to worry about it, and feel guilty when talking to my husband about my therapist (although never vice versa - go figure). But lately I've decided to just not worry about that. We're going to be attached to our husbands (I hope!), and we're going to be attached to our therapists in whatever ways our individual psyches lead us to. Really, to expect anything else is a little unreasonable.
That said, I do try to keep my husband up to date with what's going on in my therapy. I find that he's glad to know (at least a bit), and then I don't feel like I'm cheating on him by having those intimacies with my therapist be secret. It seems to not have occurred to DH to be jealous. Of course, he's younger, taller, more fit, funnier, and has a lot more hair than my (ex) therapist. And I haven't shared the sexual fantasy side of my attachment.
My new therapist is a woman, so I think the point has become moot. Although, I hear that transference can cross sexual orientation boundaries, so we'll see.
-p
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on January 29, 2004, at 8:42:57
In reply to Transference and SOs - Miss Honeychurch, posted by All Done on January 28, 2004, at 12:35:32
Luckily my husband is definitely not the jealous type, so I think a lot of my guilt over my relationship with my T is all self-inflicted.
I was pretty worried when I started therapy since my T said that when one spouse starts getting therapy, often times, the marriage becomes troubled, simply for the fact that the relationship may have been dependent on the behavior/anxiety/depression of the other. And once yu start working these out in therapy and becoming healthier mentally, many times the marriage falls apart. I was having marital problems when I first started seeing Bean (my T) and was convinced I was going to get divorced. Bean also suggested marital counseling. I said no, that I wanted to figure out what was going on with me first.
However, since I've been in therapy for 6 months now, my marriage is 10 times as strong as it ever was. Therapy, and my the therapeutic intimate relationship, has made me happier and my marriage wonderful. My husband says he likes me so much better since I've been in therapy. This therefore lessens my guilt about my transference. I talk about therapy with my husband sometimes, but I do tell my T things I would never tell my husband. Again, I used to feel guilty about the transference and the daddy crush and all that, but it has quite possibly saved my marriage. I think my husband would hug Bean if he ever met him!
This is the end of the thread.
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