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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by lonelygirl on April 19, 2004, at 16:17:04
At my psychologist appointment on Tuesday (last week), we talked about some of my school problems, namely procrastination. There was a project due about 3 weeks ago that I didn’t do, and it’s worth 15% of the course grade, but even worse, it is the basis for a group project that’s worth 10% of the grade, so it’s a problem for my whole group.
I had told my group that I was going to talk to the professor about it, but I still haven’t. I asked the psychologist for some advice on what to say when I talk to him -- specifically, when he asks (which I’m sure he will) why I didn’t do it. Then we started talking about why I didn’t do it. This somehow led to him getting out this procrastination workbook, and we spent the entire rest of the time going through this CBT stuff.
I don’t even know if the professor is going to accept the paper late, and I’ll be really mad if I spend time on it and he ends up not accepting it. He seems like a pretty nice guy, but I don’t really have a good excuse, so there’s not really any reason he SHOULD accept it. Anyway, the psychologist suggested that I start the paper before I talk to the professor, just so I can tell him that I have made some progress.
The workbook was kind of silly, really. He asked me what is the “first thing” I am procrastinating, and it’s picking a topic for the paper (which is more complicated than it sounds because just picking the topic requires some research). First, we made a cost-benefit table, where I had to think of the advantages and disadvantages of not picking a topic. Then, we made a cost-benefit table of advantages and disadvantages of picking a topic “today.”
Then, we made a “plan” for picking a topic. This sort of became a problem, because I was supposed to write down a time I would start. He asked me when I wanted to start, and I said, “Well, never.” He then rephrased it and said, “When are you going to start?” I said, “Well, probably never.” I’m sure he was getting annoyed at this point (though he is good at acting patient). I eventually got him to tell me what time to start. The appointment was over at 3:00, so he said 3:30. I said that was too early, so he said 4:00, and that’s what I wrote down.
So, at 4:00, I started picking a topic. I spent about 45 minutes on it and came up with something. I have also done a little bit of work on the paper. (I was planning to talk to the professor this morning, but there has been no hot water in the dorm since Saturday, and I was not going to go in this guy’s office not having taking a shower for 2 days!)
Now the only problem is that the psychologist is going to think that his workbook thing worked. I guess it did, in a way, because I did pick a topic. But I didn’t really do it because of the workbook. I know that I really did it because I wanted to make him happy, or because after we spent the whole time talking about picking a stupid topic, he would be disappointed if I ended up not doing it.
Now, I don’t know if I should even tell him this. If I do, then maybe he will think he can just tell me to do stuff I should be doing, and I’ll do it -- problem solved -- but then he will end up telling me to do something that I won’t be able to do, and he will be disappointed in me, and I will feel terrible. And if I tell him, should I also tell him about my concern about telling him? If I do, then I’m worried that he will do the opposite and not want to give me any more advice because he knows that I’m worried about disappointing him. (Um, did anybody follow that?)
Anybody want to give me any advice before I see him tomorrow? Thanks in advance...
Posted by Dinah on April 19, 2004, at 17:22:28
In reply to Procrastination Workbook (long), posted by lonelygirl on April 19, 2004, at 16:17:04
My therapist knows that I do some things more to please him than for any other reason. I don't think he *likes* it, but he'll accept that until I have my own reasons. He also knows that I won't do just anything he asks.
As with anything, I recommend being honest both about choosing to do this as much or more to please him as any other reason, and not being willing to do anything to please him.
It's funny that you brought this up right now. My therapist and I had an unsettling conversation about this last session. On what I wasn't willing to do to please him. And he said that I didn't need to please him, to which I replied something along the lines of "Well, Duh!" or actually snapped "I *know* that!" Then I asked if it bothered him that I wanted to please him. He said no, that I wasn't intrusive about it. But I couldn't pin him down on what intrusively wanting to please would look like. He says I've never in all my years of therapy been in any way intrusive and I didn't need to worry about it. What a crummy answer! I've been bugged and worried ever since. What if something I'd like to do would be intrusive? What if the boundaries I'm keeping are stricter than need be? He said the only way to find out is to take a risk and see if the relationship is big enough to hold it. Blech. Stupid therapists!
But in spite of all that, I still think you should be honest with your therapist. It never pays to be less than honest with your therapist.
Posted by DaisyM on April 19, 2004, at 20:16:03
In reply to Procrastination Workbook (long), posted by lonelygirl on April 19, 2004, at 16:17:04
I think part of the initial phases in therapy are trying things out "just" to please our Therapist, until we can figure out that it doesn't hurt us, it is safe or we begin to want to do it, if it is something that we've been unable to get ourselves to do before. (Ok, that was a long convuluded sentence!)
I get homework writing assignments that I've not wanted to do but do because frankly, talking about why I didn't want to do them was harder than doing them. And I'm taking risks WITH my Therapist because he is safe and allows me the room to "practice."
I agree with Dinah. Tell your Therapist about your internal dialogue and the conflict you feel. You will probably learn a lot. BTW - most people do things to please other people. We are a society that rewards behaviors in all kinds of ways. This isn't necessarily a bad thing.
Posted by fallsfall on April 19, 2004, at 21:45:58
In reply to Procrastination Workbook (long), posted by lonelygirl on April 19, 2004, at 16:17:04
I'm with Dinah and Daisy. The more honest you can be with your therapist, the better off you are. Talking about why you were motivated to pick the topic is important - both for him to understand what motivates you, and because when you explain something like this with words it becomes clearer to YOU, as well.
There are very few relationships in your life when you can truly be totally honest. Your relationship with your therapist is one of them.
Bring your post with you if you aren't sure how to bring it up.
Good for you for trying to understand what is going on inside of you.
Posted by lonelygirl on April 21, 2004, at 12:11:29
In reply to Procrastination Workbook (long), posted by lonelygirl on April 19, 2004, at 16:17:04
He was so happy to hear that I picked a topic :) He was "proud" of me for working on it. He asked me if it helped, and I said that obviously it did, on some level, because I did it, but I also said that I don't think it was really BECAUSE of going through the workbook. He said, "Of course, I know it isn't that simple," but he was glad it helped.
He is so unbelievably sweet and amazing and perfect. Why, oh why, does he have to be so wonderful? I wish I could believe the nice things he says to me. Sometimes, for a split second, I even allow myself to believe him. It’s sort of like a fantasy -- a glimpse of how it would feel to be a person who is likeable. But then I do a reality check, and recognize that it isn’t realistic. For one thing, there is no causal mechanism -- no real reason for him (or anyone) to like me. For another, there is no data to agree with him; all my real-life experiences just show that I am not likeable in the least. Then I am ashamed for allowing myself to believe something so ridiculous.
Sometimes I wish that I could block out reality -- be unaware of the logical discord between his kind words and the truth of my life -- but I am simply unable to believe anything good said to me. I have all this inner conflict between wanting to believe it and remembering the truth. It would be so much nicer if I could just ignore the truth and delude myself into thinking that I am worthy of his (or anyone’s) positive regard. It is so wonderful when I can let go of reality just for a moment and feel like the good things are true. It is amazing to me that many (most?) people can feel that way all the time, and always believe it, and confirm it in truth. But I always feel like there is something fake or insincere, that anyone who says anything nice is only trying to appease me, to trick me into feeling something that’s phony. Anything good about me is just a tiny detail, intentionally taken out of context and applied to me as a whole -- an overgeneralization, if you will -- and ignoring all the contrary evidence.
Posted by pegasus on April 21, 2004, at 13:27:06
In reply to Tuesday's Session, posted by lonelygirl on April 21, 2004, at 12:11:29
Hi lonelygirl,
Your post made me really sad. Especially the part about how anyone thinking anything good about you is just taking a tiny detail out of context and applying it to you as a whole.
I think maybe we're just made up of those tiny details, though. I'm not sure there is a *whole*. So if some of your details are good, then that's part of you, too. It's not something to brush off or ignore. I guess what I mean is that a good detail can be good, on it's own merits. Doesn't have to matter what else is there. You can't turn off it's goodness by saying that there are a lot of other things that are bad. (Much as you seem to be trying!) And if all you can find are small details that are good, well, I'm glad that you can find those at least! I wish you could see a lot more! I see a ton of good things about you, and they are *not* small insignificant details. You're smart and perceptive, and have a capacity for appreciating your wonderful therapist (not everyone does, you know!), and you're articulate, and concerned about other folks here on babble. Those are *big* things. Don't throw them away!!!
Besides, I have trouble with the concept of "good" and "bad" when it comes to describing things about ourselves. I think they just are what they are, and you put the "good" or "bad" onto them. And here I mean "you" in the largest sense, which includes societal and family influence, etc., which are a huge force. But anyway, the fact that those judgements are constructed by us means that we can (maybe with a lot of help) learn to take them off.
pegasus
Posted by DaisyM on April 21, 2004, at 23:02:17
In reply to Re: Tuesday's Session, posted by pegasus on April 21, 2004, at 13:27:06
Gosh LG, I wish I had the magic words to make you see that you DO have good qualities and they show up here frequently. You respond in such a compassionate way to so many posts, you are open and honest about how you feel and your humor even comes through.
Don't be so hard on yourself. I know that is easier said than done. I've spent so much of my life feeling like a fraud...that any minute people were going to discover that the real me wasn't worth knowing. I'm so glad you are working on all this stuff so much sooner than I ever did.
Please tell your Therapist how you are feeling. This seems really important.
This is the end of the thread.
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