![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by tterees on May 11, 2004, at 0:19:59
Hi. I am new here and originally posted this in the "newbies" area. Fallen4myT suggested I might want to re-post it here.
How long is too long to stay in therapy? I have been seeing the same therapist for 10 years, and I can't stand the thought of stopping, but I don't know if I am getting anything out of it. I know I am lonely. I know I like the 45 minutes of having someone focused on me. I don't think I ever thought about hurting myself before therapy, but now I think about it at least once a week. And I am afraid that if I tell my therapist, he will say it is time for us to stop.
Fallen4myT asked if I was thinking of hurting myself over the thought of ending therapy. No. I am afraid that if I tell him I am thinking of hurting myself he will suggest that I try someone else, because my sessions with him are not helping. And I don't want to stop seeing him.
I really like my T, and I have this false sense of dependency on him. I say "false", because I do recognize (brain) that he is my doctor and not my father, brother, lover, or anything else. I think the only time I felt or experienced this thing called transference was about 8 years ago. My father and I had never gotten along. And I had gone home for a visit, and my dad said something that really hurt me (he did not mean to, I don't think he even realized that he had.) Anyhow when I came back and told my T what had happened, I said "You know I just always wanted to be special to him." And then I said "And I want to be special to you too." My T replied "You are." I felt better and that was it.
I am more curious about transference out of the therapist's office. I try to re-live my childhood (relationship with my dad) outside. And I have forever. If I had a male teacher in high school or college. And if I have a male boss -- forget it. Always looking to resolve something that can/could only be resolved with my father. Oh well. Thanks for listening.
Posted by gardenergirl on May 11, 2004, at 8:31:13
In reply to How long is too long?, posted by tterees on May 11, 2004, at 0:19:59
Welcome to Babble! You ask a very good question, and there are others here who have more experience who may be able to give you some good advice. My thought in reading your post is that telling your therapist about wanting to hurt yourself may be a very good way to give therapy a bit of a kick start again. If you question whether you are getting anything out of it, you may be feeling stuck in a therapy rut. And if there is stuff going on that you are not telling your T, then that makes it hard for both of you to get out of that rut.
If I understand your post correctly, you have not had these thoughts in the past? You've never said anything like that to your T? Then unless your T has some sort of policy against working with people who might want to hurt themselves, I think the chances that he will want to transfer you are slim. Has he ever mentioned that before?
Good luck to you, dear. I'm sure it is scary to think of losing such an important relationship.
gg
Posted by Dinah on May 11, 2004, at 9:12:18
In reply to How long is too long?, posted by tterees on May 11, 2004, at 0:19:59
Hi, and welcome. :)
I've been seeing the same therapist for nine years, the last couple of years at twice a week. I can't deny that the therapy schedule has kept me more stable than I was before. Yet I also can't deny that after nine years, when things are going well in my life, I find therapy boring sometimes.
It could be that you *are* ready to fly solo, and just don't want to admit to yourself. In which case it might be interesting for you to try to reduce the frequency of your sessions. Many people have said that they're surprised at how much easier it is than they thought it would be.
The other option for boredom, and the one that I have chosen, is to start introducing new goals. Areas of your life that you think could be improved upon.
I can see hints from your post of areas that you might want to seriously tackle. You say that you feel lonely outside of therapy. You and your therapist could work on this together. He could assign homework. If he has trouble being that directive (as mine does sometimes because he knows how stubborn and defiant I can be about directives) you can come up with homework assignments for yourself with his help. My therapist and I are working on something similar right now. I rarely feel lonely when alone, but I frequently feel out of place with others, so we're working on strategies to tackle that.
You say that you try to recreate your old pattern with your father with other men outside therapy. Have you and your therapist explored this thoroughly? If you do understand it, but understanding hasn't led to change, perhaps you and he can think about alternate ways to meet those needs.
It worries me that you don't feel free, after ten years, to tell your therapist about your thoughts. I agree with Gardenergirl's post about that. When you say that you never had the thoughts before therapy, do you mean that you think therapy caused them? Is it possible that the things you discuss in therapy stir you up? Is your relationship with your therapist full of conflict? It would be interesting if you could sort out your thoughts that immediately precede the urges, but those things are best done *with* a therapist. Has he given you any reason to think that he would terminate you if you tell him?
I think we need to pay attention to the feelings like the ones you describe (and like my occasional boredom). I think they're trying to tell us something. But whether they're trying to tell you that you've gone as far as you can go with this therapist, or if they're trying to tell you that you need to go deeper and broader with this therapist, only you and your therapist can decipher.
Althought talking out the possibilities here is also frequently enlightening. Many is the time that towards the end of a thread here, I have a better idea of what's going on than all the puzzling in the world I can do on my own.
Posted by antigua on May 11, 2004, at 10:20:35
In reply to How long is too long?, posted by tterees on May 11, 2004, at 0:19:59
I agree with what most everyone else said. Try to tell your therapist these things. Maybe they are coming up because now you really trust him enough to go to the hard places. Now maybe you have to take that leap of faith and plunge forward into territory you don't feel comfortable talking about.
I've been in therapy for 13 (14?) years now with the same therapist. I've also had one or two other interim experiences (different types of therapy that I've supplemented my regular therapy with) with several other therapists. All in all, my long-term is the best I could ever find. I trust her, but it's not easy. When I find that I have trouble speaking to her/bringing up a subject/or wanting to cancel my session(s), I know that something is up. I usually tell her and let her figure it out first. I don't always agree w/her, but I do respect her opinion.
Maybe you could tell your therapist that you are afraid that he will terminate you if you tell him the truth? You may be surprised at what you learn about yourself.
Also, I can relate on the male authority figure/father thing. The only way I've learned to handle it is to avoid them altogether. Not an easy thing to do, but I still haven't figured out how to resolve this one--even after 13 years!! So don't be so hard on yourself.
best,
antigua
Posted by starlight on May 11, 2004, at 14:58:31
In reply to How long is too long?, posted by tterees on May 11, 2004, at 0:19:59
From the way you're talking, you sound like you already know what you need to do. Talk to him about it and see what he says. Forget about having a 10 year relationship with him, which you might be substituting him for a father archetype but he's not your father, and in this situation, what you need is someone that will guide you to heal yourself. The problem with being with someone so long is that it's easy to get into a rut. You have to honor your SELF first! And it sounds like your SELF is talking to you. Listen. It won't hurt to see someone else on a trial basis. Get some recommendations. Change is good!
starlight
Posted by TryingToBeMerry on May 12, 2004, at 8:48:09
In reply to How long is too long?, posted by tterees on May 11, 2004, at 0:19:59
I agree with what's been said so far, but wanted to add to it. I think you do need to tell him about the thoughts you've had. I've had the same therapist for 4 years. She says that the "time limit" really depends on what you want. You may have gone in with a specific problem and want to end therapy when it's "solved". Or you may decide that you want to work on other areas of your life. You don't need to have a "problem" to be in therapy. Many people just like to have that impartial person to talk to, to help them sort things out, or to work on things that you'd like to improve on.
Before having that talk with my therapist, I felt terrified at the thought of being "better" and not being able to come in and see her. When we'd go through the treatment plan for the insurance company, if it seemed like things were too good, I'd start cutting myself or purging or any other unhealthy thing I'd done in the past. It wasn't intentional. I'd just want to do those things. But I told her about this and she reassured me that she would not tell me I had to stop therapy. It would always be up to me and what I wanted to get out of it. When I started to feel confident that she would continue to see me, no matter how good things were going, I was able to let go of the unhealthy behaviors that came up at the thought of ending therapy.
Also, I learned that if I wanted to do something like hurt myself just so that she'd express concern or care, all I really had to do was tell her that I'd had those feelings. I'd then get that same concern and care, but without hurting myself.
I hope this helps!
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.