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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by gardenergirl on May 12, 2004, at 0:19:00
Howdy,
I got my Spring semester evaluation today in supervision. All of the clinical stuff involving my work with clients was excellent. This was from my supervisor. My boss, the director of the center, however, managed to sum up a CORE ISSUE for me in just two sentences of feedback. I feel so awful and triggered. I understand where this feedback is coming from (involving being a fast learner, which can intimidate the younger students), although I thought it was more his issue (as competition)rather than the group's. Either way, it's such a horrible conflict for me. For my entire life. It's a major theme of what I have been working on in sessions. To see it like that on paper....AAAARRRGH! That feedback doesn't help. What do I do differently? It seems like a lose/lose situation.Anyway, I have decided to call my T to try to get another session late this week or to move my Monday afternoon session up to morning so that I can process this with him before the next meeting I have with my boss, which is Monday late morning. If I don't do this with my T, I KNOW I will be tempted to try to talk to my boss about it, to process it more with him. I don't think I can do that without breaking down, as I spent a great deal of time tonight just sobbing and feeling awful. The thought crossed my mind that "I feel like I am dying; it hurts so much." I can't say that I have told myself that before. I just couldn't stop crying. I didn't want my husband to comfort me, as that didn't feel like it would help. It just made me feel worse.
This may seem like a silly issue. But it really is core for me. I know my T will say that it hurts so much because the material is much more "available" to me now compared to then. I just can't get over seeing it written down like that.
So anyway, I am feeling really raw. I've never asked my T for an extra or early session. I do think it is the appropriate thing to do, but I guess I wonder what he will think about it. My last session with him was all about my needing a seal of approval from him that things in therapy were going okay. That we were progressing satisfactorally. So is calling my T part of progressing okay? Or is it a sign of a setback? AAAGH. I can't think clearly tonight!
Any feedback is welcome. I just feel like a puddle of raw mush.
Thanks for listening folks. Any advice, jokes, loving insults, etc. are welcome.
gg
Posted by finelinebob on May 12, 2004, at 1:09:46
In reply to Feeling crappy. Going to call T, a first for me, posted by gardenergirl on May 12, 2004, at 0:19:00
You feel you need an extra session to process a core issue that just jumped to Terror Alert: ELMO* so you called an scheduled one? Is this an appropriate thing to do? BOOYAH!!
Progress is relative to goals. It's your therapy, it's your life ... ought to be your goals, not your therapist's, right? Yes, it's cool to have your T help you figure out those goals ... that's part of what T's are for. And if it is a setback, setback are normal. You're doing something positive about it, and that's what counts.
flb
*Elmo's a RED muppet ... Ernie is ORANGE ... Bert is YELLOW ... Cookie Monster is BLUE ... Oscar is GREEN ... teehee: http://www.geekandproud.net/terror/
Posted by fallsfall on May 12, 2004, at 7:18:32
In reply to Feeling crappy. Going to call T, a first for me, posted by gardenergirl on May 12, 2004, at 0:19:00
Gardenergirl,
Seeing things like that in writing makes them so much more tangible. It means that you can't hope that you heard it wrong. So it seems perfectly reasonable to me that this would be upsetting to you.
Plus you say that you have been working and working and working on this. In your place, I would have hoped that all my work would have paid off by now, and the statement would no longer be true. So that would be a disappointment to me.
Please remember that just because he said it (and I assume that he is accurate), doesn't mean that you haven't made progress on it - doesn't mean that you haven't been working hard - doesn't mean that you will never get to the point where it is no longer true. Sometimes these things take a long, long time. You have patience with your clients - you know that things take time. You need to have that same patience with yourself.
So, your reaction seems perfectly normal to me.
Calling your therapist sounds like a great idea. This is a core issue for you. It is hitting you like a sledge hammer. You will have to talk with the director on Monday. I think it sounds like a great idea to talk to your therapist before then. Needing your therapist is NOT a failure. In fact, it shows that you recognize when the situation is hard for you - THAT is progress. It shows that you WANT to work on this issue. I think it can only be viewed as a good thing.
Please let us know when you hear from your therapist, and in the meantime, go easy on yourself. Try to put it in perspective - your "fault" is that you learn quickly?? Somehow, I can't see you running a flag up the flagpole that says "Hey, all you young, immature kiddies - Ha Ha! I learn faster than you do. You are so pathetic, why don't you just give up? You better just get used to the idea that I'm better than you are!". I *can* see you trying to help them - giving them the benefit of your understanding to help them along.
GG, I hear some "old" pain here. I'm sorry for your old pain, it really stinks to be locked in step with these things. But you can break free. And you will learn and grow from this.
Hugs in the meantime - (((((Gardenergirl)))))
Falls.
Posted by Dinah on May 12, 2004, at 8:44:10
In reply to Feeling crappy. Going to call T, a first for me, posted by gardenergirl on May 12, 2004, at 0:19:00
Falls said it beautifully, GG. (as usual)
You aren't calling him to get his approval, you're calling him to get his help and input on a time sensitive issue. A perfectly valid reason. My therapist loves it when I call him *before* I talk to someone rather than after.
Posted by LG04 on May 12, 2004, at 8:50:20
In reply to Re: Feeling crappy. Going to call T, a first for me » gardenergirl, posted by fallsfall on May 12, 2004, at 7:18:32
Hi gardenergirl,
Anytime someone takes care of him/herself, I believe that is progress. You are taking care of yourself by calling your therapist to set up an appt. at a different time, so that you can process something that will help you when you meet with your boss. That is taking care of yourself and your needs! I don't see how that is a setback in any way.It also seems like progress to me because it's something that you have never done before...that in and of itself takes courage. And it also seems like progress to me because it means you are trusting your therapist more.
I too felt that there was "old" pain there, whenever something is so incredibly painful to me, as this was to you, it's usually connected to something old...so it's current pain plus past pain. I'm sorry that you are having to go thru this and just want to say that I think it's GREAT that you are calling your therapist and taking care of yourself in this way.
LG
Posted by Speaker on May 12, 2004, at 10:07:19
In reply to Re: Feeling crappy. Going to call T, a first for me, posted by LG04 on May 12, 2004, at 8:50:20
GG,
Be careful you don't try to be your own T! I am a nurse and I always try to be my own nurse...it gets in the way. I may have read more in your post than is there but I think its great you are calling your T...I think that is progress. Try not to analyze how he will analyze!
Posted by Aphrodite on May 12, 2004, at 17:37:01
In reply to Feeling crappy. Going to call T, a first for me, posted by gardenergirl on May 12, 2004, at 0:19:00
GG,
I admire you to pieces. I've wanted to call before to get objective insight before I addressed an issue with someone but couldn't muster the courage. To me, it's an incredible sign of strength and desire to take care of yourself to ask for that help.
I'm not quite clear on what exactly the core issue is. Clarify only if you want to. What's important is that you know it's core and a crucial thing to understand.
Please let us know how he (is it a he?) responds.
Posted by Poet on May 12, 2004, at 17:40:05
In reply to Feeling crappy. Going to call T, a first for me, posted by gardenergirl on May 12, 2004, at 0:19:00
GG,
I'm so sorry you've joined me in the mush puddle. I think mine is more of a mud puddle, though. My inner child is making you a pretend chocolate mud pie and sending it your way.
Poet
Posted by Dinah on May 12, 2004, at 18:28:50
In reply to Feeling crappy. Going to call T, a first for me, posted by gardenergirl on May 12, 2004, at 0:19:00
Posted by DaisyM on May 13, 2004, at 1:24:33
In reply to Feeling crappy. Going to call T, a first for me, posted by gardenergirl on May 12, 2004, at 0:19:00
GG,
I just got back tonight but I wanted to lend my support, both for calling and just in general. Any kind of feedback is so hard to hear when you already know or suspect it is an area of weakness for you. You have to ask yourself if it is something you *can* change, *want* to change or *can't* change. I believe there are differences in how males and females evaluate people, especially intimidation factors. If you were a guy, I bet your weakness would be a strength, i.e. decision maker or something.
I must say, it is great to be able to tell someone else to use their Therapist to lean on. He'll be glad you called.
Posted by gardenergirl on May 13, 2004, at 13:22:06
In reply to you go, gardener girl!!, posted by finelinebob on May 12, 2004, at 1:09:46
I love the Sesame Street terror alerts! And you are right, it was at Elmo. I think it's down to Ernie after my session today, or maybe even Bert. We'll see.
Thanks for the support!
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on May 13, 2004, at 13:34:05
In reply to Re: Feeling crappy. Going to call T, a first for me » gardenergirl, posted by fallsfall on May 12, 2004, at 7:18:32
Falls,
Thanks for your lovely post. You are right on the money with what's going on with me.> Seeing things like that in writing makes them so much more tangible.
Yes, it did make it tangible and it hit really hard. I also was just amazed at how he could articulate it so well, without really even knowing my history. Makes me wonder how he has perceived my actions all year, but hey, he IS an analyst. :) or maybe :( ?
> In your place, I would have hoped that all my work would have paid off by now, and the statement would no longer be true. So that would be a disappointment to me.I think the statement may always be true in some ways. I just need to be more at ease with it, and thus, behave from a more natural, authentic place. Oh lord, I sound like my T.
>
> You need to have that same patience with yourself.So true. Just my last session I was talking all about feeling stuck and not knowing how to proceed or even where I am going. And then BAM! No need to worry about what to work on. Guess it's a blessing in disguise. :)
>>
> Needing your therapist is NOT a failure. In fact, it shows that you recognize when the situation is hard for you - THAT is progress. It shows that you WANT to work on this issue. I think it can only be viewed as a good thing.Thanks for this. I was and am feeling very fragile and needy right now. He was great about meeting with me, although today was a really intense session, and I felt pretty crappy after. I actually had to go home to take out my contacts and put on my glasses before I went back into the office. Nothing like driving home with tears (and other bodily "fluids") pouring down your face while your contact threatens to pop out and you feel confused and disoriented. I probably should have just pulled over. But I made it, and when I got home I cuddled my dog for a bit after I cleaned my face up. Now I'm back to work and feeling drained, but okay.
>
> Somehow, I can't see you running a flag up the flagpole that says "Hey, all you young, immature kiddies - Ha Ha! I learn faster than you do. You are so pathetic, why don't you just give up? You better just get used to the idea that I'm better than you are!". I *can* see you trying to help them - giving them the benefit of your understanding to help them along.Thanks for the validation. It helps to hear that. Truly.
>
> GG, I hear some "old" pain here. I'm sorry for your old pain, it really stinks to be locked in step with these things. But you can break free. And you will learn and grow from this.Oh yes, very old pain. Flashbacks of childhood nicknames which weren't very nice. Parental failures in validating and mirroring, which leave such a void even today. God, so needy. But my T is both filling the need and challenging me on the behaviors I do or don't do that seem to be stemming from that need.
Wow, I guess that is a sign he thinks I can handle it. But ugh. It really sucks, sucks, sucks. Maybe crying and sobbing burns a fair amount of calories? Is there a silver lining here?
Thanks Falls. You are a good friend.
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on May 13, 2004, at 13:35:21
In reply to Re: Feeling crappy. Going to call T, a first for me » gardenergirl, posted by Dinah on May 12, 2004, at 8:44:10
Dinah,
Thanks for the support. My T even gave me a nugget of something to say which should communicate how I feel without opening it up for much discussion. Just what I need right now.Take care,
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on May 13, 2004, at 13:46:56
In reply to Re: Feeling crappy. Going to call T, a first for » gardenergirl, posted by Aphrodite on May 12, 2004, at 17:37:01
Thanks for the support. It was hard to call him. I waited until late in the afternoon, but he called me back right after the session he was in when I left him a voice mail. He sounded concerned, but it was a bit weird on the phone. At the same time as he was saying that he could see me, he seemed to be asking about the situation in a way that I perceived to be in order to find out if I really NEEDED to see him or not. My guess is he was trying to determine if it was an emergency or if it was okay to meet the next day, without, perhaps, coming out and directly asking me. Or maybe it's just weird on the phone. Today, though, he said "I could sense there was some urgency there," so he was glad to see me today.
The issue is, essentially, that it can be really hard for me to be myself in group-type things at school. For some reason, I pick up on stuff quicker than others. Because I was never validated adequately as child, (or so the current understanding we have is), I need to be able to voice my knowledge and gain approval from faculty or bosses, etc. This can come across to others as intimidating. Now the dilemma for me is, and has always been: do I hold back or even "play less smart" in order to be more likeable? Because I really don't think of myself as intimidating at all, and that is not what I would want to be. It's very isolating. I don't have to be everyone's friend, but I think of myself as very approachable.
This has played out in group supervision at work in that the rest of my group are novices, and I have more life experience, clinical experience, and coursework under my belt (not to mention extra pounds, too, but that's another story). So part of me wants to say, "of course I get it! I've seen it before." and "I was like that two years ago, too. You'll get there, too." I don't know. Faculty, sometimes, treat me a bit special, too. And I know that is annoying to others. This has ALWAYS been an issue for me. It's hard to even talk about it without feeling like I am being conceited or something.
So I go back and forth between holding back and resenting it and just being myself and being "intimidating." Neither way is very satisfying. I need to be able to appreciate this trait just for myself in order to be more at ease with it. Then it won't matter about others' reactions, and I likely will not be so needy of attention.
Okay, feel like I am journalling here, and you just asked what the issue is. I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the core of it that is so painful, without rationalizing some of the other stuff tied to it.
My T was great. Validating and challenging at the same time. Very productive, but hard session. I feel a bit like a wet dish rag that has dried in a stiff position. But I'm REALLY glad I called and got in to see him.
Thanks for your support,
gg
>
Posted by gardenergirl on May 13, 2004, at 13:48:35
In reply to Re: Feeling crappy. Going to call T, a first for, posted by Poet on May 12, 2004, at 17:40:05
> GG,
>
> I'm so sorry you've joined me in the mush puddle. I think mine is more of a mud puddle, though. My inner child is making you a pretend chocolate mud pie and sending it your way.
>
>
> PoetOh Poet! That sounds like an absolute dream. Let's make a play date. We can get all messy playing in the mud, and then, if it's warm enough, run through the sprinkler to clean up. Then sit out in the sun to dry, drinking juice and giggling. Sound good?
gg
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Posted by gardenergirl on May 13, 2004, at 13:56:46
In reply to Re: Feeling crappy. Going to call T, a first for me, posted by DaisyM on May 13, 2004, at 1:24:33
> GG,
>
> I just got back tonight but I wanted to lend my support, both for calling and just in general. Any kind of feedback is so hard to hear when you already know or suspect it is an area of weakness for you. You have to ask yourself if it is something you *can* change, *want* to change or *can't* change. I believe there are differences in how males and females evaluate people, especially intimidation factors. If you were a guy, I bet your weakness would be a strength, i.e. decision maker or something.
>
> I must say, it is great to be able to tell someone else to use their Therapist to lean on. He'll be glad you called.
>Daisy,
I hope your retreat went well. You planned through so much, I bet it was great. Thanks for your warm thoughts. I have to admit, I did think about the gender and personal dynamics involved. This is the same boss I got into with about the office drama. So we have a bit of a volatile relationship at times. My T often refers to one unconscious speaking to another when talking about interpersonal stuff. I think our unconscious's have bonded in a way, and perhaps this contributes to occasional blurring of roles. I think he is a lot like me, at times, but perhaps because he is a man, he needs to be the one "up" versus one "down".So there was a part of me that wanted to view his feedback as coming as much from his own issues as mine...like maybe HE was intimidated rather than other students. But I don't know.
I do want to change this, but it feels like a lose-lose situation whatever I do. And thus, the core conflict. My T is helping me to feel more at ease with the conflict versus trying to solve it, per se. Because (and he also can relate personally to it) there really doesn't seem to be a behavioral answer to it that would be satisfying.
I'm really glad I called my T. I doubt I would have even considered it if it weren't for Babble. Y'all help me to realize that my needs are important, and that my T is there for me to rely on at times in order to take care of myself. This is definitely a sign of growth on my part. I feel really needy, but I am tolerating that feeling rather than fighting against it or denying it.
Take care and glad you are back!
gg
Posted by terrics on May 13, 2004, at 14:40:25
In reply to Feeling crappy. Going to call T, a first for me, posted by gardenergirl on May 12, 2004, at 0:19:00
[[[[gg]]]]] terrics
Posted by gardenergirl on May 13, 2004, at 21:44:30
In reply to Re: Feeling crappy. Going to call T, a first for me » gardenergirl, posted by terrics on May 13, 2004, at 14:40:25
Thanks, terrics. Hugs help. The nice thing is, the hugger also gets a hug. It's a win-win!Here's one back.
(((((terrics)))))gg
Posted by crushedout on May 14, 2004, at 10:41:40
In reply to Re: Feeling crappy. Going to call T, a first for » Aphrodite, posted by gardenergirl on May 13, 2004, at 13:46:56
> I feel a bit like a wet dish rag that has dried in a stiff position.What a great metaphor.
Posted by gardenergirl on May 14, 2004, at 14:18:06
In reply to Re: Feeling crappy. Going to call T, a first for » gardenergirl, posted by crushedout on May 14, 2004, at 10:41:40
thanks. I got a massage recently and felt really drained before it started. I was really surprised to find I had muscle tension, because I felt like a big pile of mush inside.
Take care,
gg
This is the end of the thread.
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