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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by pinkeye on July 1, 2004, at 16:57:42
Hi Karen,
Did you work through your transference with your bubba? Are you completely over him now? Or do you still feel you are in love with him? If so, how did you achieve that?
I am still powerfully attracted to my ex T. Feel very much in love with him. I don't know what to do.
Pinkeye.
Posted by karen_kay on July 1, 2004, at 20:16:20
In reply to Question for Karen_Kay, posted by pinkeye on July 1, 2004, at 16:57:42
i used to have a bad crush on him. but, we talked about it and talked about it and talked about it some more. eventually, the transference went from me having a crush on him to me seeing him as a father figure of sorts. then (after talking about it and talking about it), it went away entirely. and there wasn't a 'replacement' crush or anything like that (i used to tend to get crushes on authority figures and whenone was replaced, the feelings for the last one went away on their own).
i'm completely over bubba, but it took quite a bit of talking (honest talking mind you, not 'i think i like you'. i think i once (dear god!) even told him 'i like to get what i want and right now, i want you.' he reminded me that it wouldn't happen of course and i was furious!), exploring why i 'wanted' him (because he listened to me and didn't ignore or invalidate me), and many replies like 'nope' or 'won't happen' from him before i worked through some of the reasons why 'this type of thing' kept happening to me.
is it possible to see your ex-therapist (or telephone sessions) for a while? or, if not, cut off contact with him (or are you not in contact with him right now?) completely and it may simply go away on it's own.
it took me a while to be completely honest with him about how i felt, ect. but, once we kept discussing it, it went away. (thank goodness!)
actually, i was jsut thinking of sending him a thank you card, because i have yet to do so.
i wish i had the answers dear. maybe telling him exactly how you feel will make it go away. (oh, another thing that may or may not have helped is that i kept telling him to help me get over this crush and he decided thta the crush was helpful, so i'd keep working hard, keep going at therapy... perhaps a key was accepting the crush was ok and almost encouraging it. i think that once he 'stopped playing so hard to get' it took the fun out of it... remember though, i had a pattern of this in the past (my friends often remarked that i was able to get a crush on anyone)...
Posted by BigFish on July 1, 2004, at 20:26:19
In reply to i did!, posted by karen_kay on July 1, 2004, at 20:16:20
Thank you for sharing your story! I was wondering about this:
".. perhaps a key was accepting the crush was ok and almost encouraging it."
How did he encourage it?
Thank you,
BigFish
Posted by pinkeye on July 1, 2004, at 20:32:59
In reply to i did!, posted by karen_kay on July 1, 2004, at 20:16:20
Thanks Karen for the detailed reply. I really admire your braveness. Good for you. And I am really glad that you went through it and got over with it.
I did tell my T about my crush and he accepted it. And we did talk about it a few times. But I only had 5 sessions with him and I couldn't talk too much. Now he is in my home country and going over it through emails is kind of awkward. Phone calls aren't possible either due to the time difference and my husband being at home.
But increasingly, I am finding that my initial attraction towards him is turning into more genuine love and caring for him. And I feel I am falling in love with him more and more. And no way to stop this. He is married too and there is nothing we can ever really do about it. But I am feeling so tender and loving towards him. I want to cook for him, take care of him, have kids with him, look after him etc etc. I don't want to say so much in my emails because he reads him email at home and his wife would be there.Other option is to cut off contact with him completely, but I am afraid, that I will repeat the behaviour with someone else if I don't completely work it this time.
Thanks for your reply though.
Pinkeye.
> i used to have a bad crush on him. but, we talked about it and talked about it and talked about it some more. eventually, the transference went from me having a crush on him to me seeing him as a father figure of sorts. then (after talking about it and talking about it), it went away entirely. and there wasn't a 'replacement' crush or anything like that (i used to tend to get crushes on authority figures and whenone was replaced, the feelings for the last one went away on their own).
>
> i'm completely over bubba, but it took quite a bit of talking (honest talking mind you, not 'i think i like you'. i think i once (dear god!) even told him 'i like to get what i want and right now, i want you.' he reminded me that it wouldn't happen of course and i was furious!), exploring why i 'wanted' him (because he listened to me and didn't ignore or invalidate me), and many replies like 'nope' or 'won't happen' from him before i worked through some of the reasons why 'this type of thing' kept happening to me.
>
> is it possible to see your ex-therapist (or telephone sessions) for a while? or, if not, cut off contact with him (or are you not in contact with him right now?) completely and it may simply go away on it's own.
>
> it took me a while to be completely honest with him about how i felt, ect. but, once we kept discussing it, it went away. (thank goodness!)
>
> actually, i was jsut thinking of sending him a thank you card, because i have yet to do so.
>
> i wish i had the answers dear. maybe telling him exactly how you feel will make it go away. (oh, another thing that may or may not have helped is that i kept telling him to help me get over this crush and he decided thta the crush was helpful, so i'd keep working hard, keep going at therapy... perhaps a key was accepting the crush was ok and almost encouraging it. i think that once he 'stopped playing so hard to get' it took the fun out of it... remember though, i had a pattern of this in the past (my friends often remarked that i was able to get a crush on anyone)...
Posted by BigFish on July 1, 2004, at 20:40:23
In reply to Re: i did!, posted by pinkeye on July 1, 2004, at 20:32:59
Hi Pinkeye,
I, too, wish I had the answer for you. I've been struggling with similar feelings. Sorry for the lack of advice. I just wanted you to know that you're definately not alone.
BigFish
Posted by karen_kay on July 1, 2004, at 22:39:29
In reply to Another question for Karen Kay, posted by BigFish on July 1, 2004, at 20:26:19
i think (or maybe i put this thought in my head) he almost encouraged my crush in a way. he answered every (and i ask some very tough and 'questionalbe' questions) question i had. i asked some pretty rough questions and he answered without a hint of embarassment. and i asked some rather intrusive questions. again, he answered them (questions about his personal thoughts that i had no right to ask and he probably shouldn't have answered). but, i think in answering them, he allowed me to realize that some of the 'dirty' thoughts i thought about him were ok. and he often told me more than i asked.
actually, now it's almost embarrassing to talk about some of the questions i asked him. and some of the things i told him, things he probably didn't nor shouldn't know about me, my persoal thoughts, his personal thoughts..
rather than embarrass myself further, you can archive if you like. but, i'd rather not recall the things i've told this person (i mean, i once told him about my first orgasm, and he was involved in a sort of way.. anyone remember that one?)
i really think it helps to be very open and very honest.
This is the end of the thread.
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