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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by pinkeye on July 12, 2004, at 19:43:16
I have been pretty confused lately. It has been 3 years since I have been married and have not been happy in the marriage inspite of having a decent husband. There are some difference between us, but overall he is a decent guy and any woman would have been happy with him.
I went to therapy for sorting out the problems, but instead I started getting attracted to my T instead of my husband. I am even done with my therapy now, but the issue of an unhappy marriage it still left.
So there must be something wrong with my marriage, but I am not able to find out why I am not satisified with my marriage.
Any suggestions?
Sigh.
Pinkeye.
Posted by tryingtobewise on July 12, 2004, at 23:29:50
In reply to What do I want? (just rambling), posted by pinkeye on July 12, 2004, at 19:43:16
Hi Pinkeye - I'm fairly new here so I hope you will tolerate my response.
I wonder if either of the following options would help...a) meeting with a female therapist instead, or b) going to counseling together.
Also, for whatever it is worth, my favorite "relationship type books" are The Dance of Anger and The Dance of Intimacy by Harriet Lerner. In addition to seeing a therapist, I also work for one and I know he frequently recommends a book titled something like... "Too Bad to Stay Too Good to Leave" and it deals with relationship ambivalence.
Good Luck!
Kim
Posted by ghost on July 12, 2004, at 23:44:06
In reply to What do I want? (just rambling), posted by pinkeye on July 12, 2004, at 19:43:16
i know what you mean, i've been in relationships that often ended just because i wasn't attracted any more... my last significant other was a wonderful person, a sweet and caring person, but we just didn't "click" any more. i often worry if the fact that i get bored easy is a bad sign, or if i just haven't found the right person.
3 years is about when the "fun" newlywed part of the marriage is over, and it's very normal to feel the way you feel. it's just a matter now of you sorting out whether or not you're unhappy in your marriage or your husband or what.
the question i often ask myself in these relationships is "do i love this person? and if i do, am i *IN* love with this person?" loving and being in love are two different things, i think.
good luck...
ghost
Posted by daisym on July 13, 2004, at 0:43:48
In reply to What do I want? (just rambling), posted by pinkeye on July 12, 2004, at 19:43:16
There are so many questions I'd ask if we were talking. Like what does "unhappy" mean? Do you have anything in common? Are you friends...do you fight a lot...are there outside stressors effecting your household? So many questions...
Marriage is really, really hard. I've been at it for 21 years. Mine is a trouble one, for many reasons. But I think in my heart that I know two things:
1) If you are happy with yourself, having a partner makes it so much better. And the reverse is also true. If you are unhappy, a partner can make it worse. They rarely are enough to make it better for any length of time.2) I think there are times that you believe in being married, even if you are unhappy or angry at your partner. You are true to the marriage. Because all relationships ebb and flow. You have to allow yourself to keep falling in love over and over again, but with the same person. This takes work and more work.
There are lots of reasons people stay married. If kids aren't involved, I think you do have to examine why you stay, or more accurately, why you don't go. It isn't easy to figure out.
just a little aside, my parents were married for 16 years. They divorced when I was 13 and now live on opposite coasts. And are great friends. Both have remarried and made much better choices of partners the second time around. And both talk wistfully about each other in the sense of really loving someone.
I doubt this rambling helped. I wish you luck and vision as you struggle with this. It is a hard one.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on July 13, 2004, at 7:49:12
In reply to What do I want? (just rambling), posted by pinkeye on July 12, 2004, at 19:43:16
Marriage is REALLY hard, Pinkie. I'll be married 4 years this October and it has not been easy.
However, When we were having problems in our marriage last year, I realized it wasn't because I was unhappy being married or not in love with my husband. It was because I was unhappy with myself. I hated myself.
Do you think your past therpay has been effective?
Posted by pinkeye on July 13, 2004, at 12:54:42
In reply to Re: What do I want? (just rambling), posted by tryingtobewise on July 12, 2004, at 23:29:50
Hi trying,
Thanks for the response. My husband wouldn't let me go to a counsellor or come himself. So I don't know about that. But your sentence captures exactly what I feel. I always feel I am exactly on the 50 th percentile. Too Bad to Stay and Too Good to Leave.
Pinkeye.> Hi Pinkeye - I'm fairly new here so I hope you will tolerate my response.
>
> I wonder if either of the following options would help...a) meeting with a female therapist instead, or b) going to counseling together.
>
> Also, for whatever it is worth, my favorite "relationship type books" are The Dance of Anger and The Dance of Intimacy by Harriet Lerner. In addition to seeing a therapist, I also work for one and I know he frequently recommends a book titled something like... "Too Bad to Stay Too Good to Leave" and it deals with relationship ambivalence.
>
> Good Luck!
> Kim
Posted by pinkeye on July 13, 2004, at 12:57:04
In reply to Re: What do I want? (just rambling) » pinkeye, posted by ghost on July 12, 2004, at 23:44:06
Thanks Ghost. Wow, I like your name :-)
The problem is, there was never a honeymoon stage in my marriage. It has been full of problems from day 1, even before marriage. I remember thinking why am I even getting into this marriage even before marriage.
But it was for several reasons, my health, security that I ended up going along with the marriage. And 3 years have passed, but yet the feeling why did I get into it has not passed.
Pinkeye.> i know what you mean, i've been in relationships that often ended just because i wasn't attracted any more... my last significant other was a wonderful person, a sweet and caring person, but we just didn't "click" any more. i often worry if the fact that i get bored easy is a bad sign, or if i just haven't found the right person.
>
> 3 years is about when the "fun" newlywed part of the marriage is over, and it's very normal to feel the way you feel. it's just a matter now of you sorting out whether or not you're unhappy in your marriage or your husband or what.
>
> the question i often ask myself in these relationships is "do i love this person? and if i do, am i *IN* love with this person?" loving and being in love are two different things, i think.
>
> good luck...
> ghost
Posted by pinkeye on July 13, 2004, at 13:00:27
In reply to Re: What do I want? (just rambling) » pinkeye, posted by daisym on July 13, 2004, at 0:43:48
Thanks Daisy.
We do fight a lot. It has been full of fights from even before the marriage. We are friends and I think deep down we still care a lot for each other, but I am not sure we love each other. But there has been so many problems in the last 3 years. I used to think it was only me, that I was unhappy person basically so I was not able to bring any good thing to the marriage. But then I attended counselling and really changed. For the past two years, I have been extremely good. But still there are lots of problems now because of my husband.
Both of us are very nice people, and we put in a lot of effort to make the marriage work but still it goes through a lot of rough rocks.
Thanks for your post.
Pinkeye.
> There are so many questions I'd ask if we were talking. Like what does "unhappy" mean? Do you have anything in common? Are you friends...do you fight a lot...are there outside stressors effecting your household? So many questions...
>
> Marriage is really, really hard. I've been at it for 21 years. Mine is a trouble one, for many reasons. But I think in my heart that I know two things:
> 1) If you are happy with yourself, having a partner makes it so much better. And the reverse is also true. If you are unhappy, a partner can make it worse. They rarely are enough to make it better for any length of time.
>
> 2) I think there are times that you believe in being married, even if you are unhappy or angry at your partner. You are true to the marriage. Because all relationships ebb and flow. You have to allow yourself to keep falling in love over and over again, but with the same person. This takes work and more work.
>
> There are lots of reasons people stay married. If kids aren't involved, I think you do have to examine why you stay, or more accurately, why you don't go. It isn't easy to figure out.
>
> just a little aside, my parents were married for 16 years. They divorced when I was 13 and now live on opposite coasts. And are great friends. Both have remarried and made much better choices of partners the second time around. And both talk wistfully about each other in the sense of really loving someone.
>
> I doubt this rambling helped. I wish you luck and vision as you struggle with this. It is a hard one.
Posted by pinkeye on July 13, 2004, at 13:03:21
In reply to Re: What do I want? (just rambling), posted by Miss Honeychurch on July 13, 2004, at 7:49:12
Thanks Honey.
I think my therapy was very effective. I love myself and am at peace with myself. I did hate myself 2 years back, but not for the past 2 years.
My husband has some problems too. He is a religious fanatic. And it has caused lot of problems in our life. He is into a cult which is pretty much destroying our marital life. I find it very hard to adjust.
> Marriage is REALLY hard, Pinkie. I'll be married 4 years this October and it has not been easy.
>
> However, When we were having problems in our marriage last year, I realized it wasn't because I was unhappy being married or not in love with my husband. It was because I was unhappy with myself. I hated myself.
>
> Do you think your past therpay has been effective?
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on July 13, 2004, at 14:16:54
In reply to Re: What do I want? (just rambling) » Miss Honeychurch, posted by pinkeye on July 13, 2004, at 13:03:21
I would find the cult thing VERY hard to tolerate.
Is divorce an option?
Posted by pinkeye on July 13, 2004, at 17:03:25
In reply to Re: What do I want? (just rambling) » pinkeye, posted by Miss Honeychurch on July 13, 2004, at 14:16:54
Divorce is an option. But it is very hard for me personally. And I am alone in this country as well. Only my husband is there for me. If I divorce, I would end up feeling very lonely and my health is not that great (nothing too bad, but serious enough). I need someone too.
That is why I keep hesitating.
> I would find the cult thing VERY hard to tolerate.
>
> Is divorce an option?
Posted by Dr. Bob on July 13, 2004, at 22:48:41
In reply to Re: What do I want? (just rambling), posted by tryingtobewise on July 12, 2004, at 23:29:50
> Also, for whatever it is worth, my favorite "relationship type books" are The Dance of Anger and The Dance of Intimacy by Harriet Lerner. In addition to seeing a therapist, I also work for one and I know he frequently recommends a book titled something like... "Too Bad to Stay Too Good to Leave" and it deals with relationship ambivalence.
I'd just like to plug the double double quotes feature at this site:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#amazon
The first time anyone refers to a book without using this option, I post this to try to make sure he or she at least knows about it. It's just an option, though, and doesn't *have* to be used. If people *choose* not to use it, I'd be interested why not, but I'd like that redirected to Psycho-Babble Administration:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20020918/msgs/7717.html
Thanks!
Bob
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