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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on September 30, 2004, at 21:42:42
Some of you remember that my therapist once had a real problem with my dependence on him. He denied it of course, but my radar with him is pretty good and I would press him on it. Maybe that was rude of me. Maybe it's none of my business what he thought about me.
It all came to a head one evening session when the clinic was closed, and I think he had put in a full day's work and was seeing me for an emergency session. I guess he was tired. The place was quiet. And he finally blurted out that he had always had a problem with dependent women and why. And he told me it had nothing to do with me, it was his issue, and I shouldn't feel bad about it. Like I couldn't. :) But I appreciated his finally being honest because his denying it felt like gaslighting.
Shortly after that time, he quit resisting my dependence. He quit *feeling* like he didn't like it. I have no idea if he actually quit disliking it, but he quit telegraphing it. I mentioned his admission from time to time and he neither denied it nor repeated his admission.
Yesterday we were having a big fight over his refusal to help me go back to where I was before, when I didn't consider life worth living as it was now. And he kept insisting that he just didn't know *how* to help me go back. That change was always forward. But I knew that was a lie. He'd help me do something he thought was a good thing, even if he wasn't sure how to go about it. We'd explore together. He was making a value judgement that going forward was better than going back.
At one point while trying to determine if his resistance was because he didn't like being my therapist mommy, I reminded him that he used to dislike my dependence and then he quit disliking it. And he acknowledged the truth of that and asked something along the lines of why I thought that was. He laughed so hard when I replied with simple surprise that I had assumed he had sought supervision.
He said that he had just decided to quit needing me to change and to accept me just as I was. He said it helped him feel like he was actually doing something because he realized that change couldn't take place without complete acceptance.
So that's the story of why. He didn't seek supervision after all. He just had a moment of insight. Kudos to him for being able to consistently act on that moment of insight.
I asked him if he could start not accepting it again, so I could go back. But he said that wouldn't work. That we couldn't pretend we hadn't built a relationship since that time. :(
But now I have to figure out ways to move in a backward direction. I finally got him to agree to go along with my plans, but he said he didn't know how to make any suggestions on his own.
Liar. He is still making a value judgement. :(
Posted by tryingtobewise on September 30, 2004, at 22:51:51
In reply to Mystery solved, I suppose, posted by Dinah on September 30, 2004, at 21:42:42
Dinah,
It sounds like you have a great relationship with your T.
I am relatively new here, and I understand many of the other posters "know" you much better than I. I'm not sure I am reading your post right though and/or understanding why you would want to go backwards to when life wasn't worth living. It makes sense to me that a T would resist that reversal in direction. I totally acknowledge I might be reading this wrong.
Kim
Posted by Dinah on September 30, 2004, at 23:01:52
In reply to Re: Mystery solved, I suppose, posted by tryingtobewise on September 30, 2004, at 22:51:51
I'm sorry. What I was trying to say was that *now* I don't find life worth living. I have been increasingly depressed and living with increased suicidal feelings since I started "growing up". It might be partially coincidence, because I've got a heck of a lot on my plate right now in terms of stress and potential losses.
I always compared my relationship with my therapist to that of a very young blind pup to its milky mother. And I'm afraid that like it or not, that pup is growing up and becoming less dependent. And everyone insists on seeing that as a good thing, because we're culturally indoctrinated to think that way.
But I think it's a terrible thing. Every time you change you gain something and you lose something. I think what I lost is infinitely more valuable than what I've gained. I don't think I can live with the loss. I don't want to live with the loss. I'd rather die than grow up. I want to go back.
Posted by crazymaisie on September 30, 2004, at 23:17:41
In reply to Re: Mystery solved, I suppose » tryingtobewise, posted by Dinah on September 30, 2004, at 23:01:52
Dinah
i'm sorry you're feeling this way. i have no words of advice or wisdom, i'm afraid, just some sympathy.
i hope it gets better
maisie
Posted by JenStar on October 1, 2004, at 11:27:54
In reply to Mystery solved, I suppose, posted by Dinah on September 30, 2004, at 21:42:42
I think it's great that you and your T can have such honest discussions about your relationship and his reaction to you / women / etc. (Even though he still holds back some things!) It must feel GREAT to have a suspicion about his behavior (what causes it) and then be proven right b/c he open up about it. Yaaah!
I wish I could help you feel better about life and living it. I guess I can just offer my empathy and say that I hope it gets better!
I was eager to come back to Babble after my long work-break and read your posts -- your thoughts are always interesting and I enjoy reading about how you're doing & what you're up to.
I hope all is well!
JenStar
Posted by JenStar on October 1, 2004, at 11:48:14
In reply to Re: Mystery solved, I suppose » tryingtobewise, posted by Dinah on September 30, 2004, at 23:01:52
hi Dinah,
I'm so sorry you're feeling so sad, upset, and lost. I truly, truly hope it gets better soon.Thinking of you with positive thoughts...
JenStar
Posted by Skittles on October 1, 2004, at 22:37:32
In reply to Re: Mystery solved, I suppose » tryingtobewise, posted by Dinah on September 30, 2004, at 23:01:52
This idea of "growing up" in the therapy experience has really got me thinking about why I keep my T at arms length. I've figured out that I'm afraid to let myself get attached because I really never experienced the natural progression of growing up and moving on to other things becuase I WANTED to. As a kid, I had a terrible home life, so I was running as fast as I could to get out of there. And the few adults that I did have who were safe places (what my T would be if I let her do it) were ripped away, so to speak, before I had another place to find security. So, I don't want to get attached because I don't know what healthy growing up is like and I don't trust that it really works.
Clearly, you are already attached, but do you think the reason this growing up is so hard could be that no one gave you the chance to do it the healthy way when you were a child?
It's always so much easier to go back to what we know (even though we aren't really happy with it) than to move forward with something new. Why can't it just be the other way around?!
This is the end of the thread.
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