![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Skittles on October 6, 2004, at 17:36:07
I had a frustrating session today. My T knows there is this "thing" out there that I can't talk about. She pushed really hard today. Didn't ask me about my week, but just dove right in to the icky stuff. She tells me whatever pace I go at is ok, but I think she's getting irritated. So, I thought I might try telling here where I don't have to see facial expressions and where you don't know who I am.
I have no specific memories of anything other than emotional abuse. But I do know that "something" else happened to me at the hands of my father. I have specific memories of him coming into my room, but can't remember what happened after that. I also remember him being angry with me and dragging me by the arm to my room, but I don't know what happened once we got there. Lately I've been thinking about personal quirks (the nicest thing I can think of to call them)and see that they could be interrelated and perhaps an indication that there is csa in my past:
For as long as I can remember, I have had to lie in bed with my back against the wall with my face the door or I would never be able to fall asleep. I slept sitting up my entire freshman year of college b/c it was impossible to arrange the bed that way in my dorm room.
9 years ago when I went for my first (and only) pelvic exam, I had a strong reaction that shocked the hell out of me. I wasn't looking forward to it b/c I figured it would be unpleasant, but there was no fear of any kind. Well, as soon as the DR touched me "there," panic washed over me, my heart was racing, I couldn't breathe and I started shaking, crying and vomiting. It wasn't at all painful, I can't explain why I reacted that way. It was horrible - I have never felt so much fear - and I've never been back.
There are certain places where I can't be touched without losing it - just like with the pelvic exam.
Sex is not an easy thing for me. My husband lived without intercourse for the first half of our 9 year marriage. It's taken a long time to not be afraid of it and even longer to actually enjoy it sometimes. I still do it out of a feeling of obligation most of the time.
As a kid, in Sex Ed, I was confused after seeing the drawings of male genitals. I had an image in my mind of what they looked like and what I was seeing in the books was all wrong. Then, years later, when I saw my husband, it was like the pictures and not what I had in my mind. Recently my grandmother was talking about how poor they'd been and offhandedly remarked that because of money, my Dad and his brothers weren't circumcised. So, I've been on the Internet looking at pictures of uncircumcised men - both flacid and erect. That is EXACTLY the image that I had in my mind's eye all along.
In my own mind, I think these could be strong indicators of csa. But I don't trust myself either. And I can't seem to tell my T about them. As a teenager, no one seemed to think the emotional abuse my father inflicted on me was significant and I never felt heard because of it. To try to get people to hear me, I started saying my father molested me - certainly not believing it to be true. I just wanted someone to help me. I've felt guilty and beaten myself up over this for the past 15 years and I've told my T about it. I can't possibly go back now and say that maybe it DID happen - who would believe me. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed.
Posted by fallsfall on October 6, 2004, at 18:02:40
In reply to Things I CANNOT speak of to my T (may trigger), posted by Skittles on October 6, 2004, at 17:36:07
(((((Skittles)))))
My heart goes out to you. I hope that it helped you to share this with us. You are not alone. We will listen. Others have similar experiences.
Can you bring this post to your therapist?
I wish you peace.
Posted by Racer on October 6, 2004, at 21:22:37
In reply to Things I CANNOT speak of to my T (may trigger), posted by Skittles on October 6, 2004, at 17:36:07
I hope you don't take this the wrong way, because it's intended entirely as support for you, but I wonder if what you wrote in the last paragraph might not be the real key here?
"In my own mind, I think these could be strong indicators of csa. But I don't trust myself either. And I can't seem to tell my T about them. As a teenager, no one seemed to think the emotional abuse my father inflicted on me was significant and I never felt heard because of it. I just wanted someone to help me."
Is it possible that you *still* don't feel as if the emotional abuse was significant enough to have caused your pain all by itself? Emotional pain is just as real as sexual abuse. In fact, as someone who was sexually abused in childhood, I can tell you that it was not nearly as traumatic as the emotional torture that I experienced. The only reason the sexual abuse was a continuing problem for me once it stopped is that NO ONE took it seriously. "You're just overreacting." (He didn't ever deny it, he just said that I was overreacting and there was nothing wrong with what he had done.) It was that invalidation that caused the continuing harm, not what he did to me.
Also, I've been in a number of incest survivors' support groups, as a condition when I reported him to Child Protective Services, and *everyone* in those groups remembered. There was not one with any sort of repressed memory. I know it can happen, but I think it's very, very rare. What I have seen and experienced, though, is what I think you're experiencing right now: some part of you is still thinking that there must be something much worse that happened to you, in order to explain why you're still having trouble. The emotional abuse alone is enough to explain that. It might also explain the hypervigilance about sexual contact, too: if you're conditioned to suppress your emotions, and to avoid emotional intimacy, it may be that causing many of your symptoms. (Were you a virgin at your first pelvic? It could be related to that, or it could be that your first experiences weren't good.)
Those are just some ideas for you, things that came up strongly for me on reading your post. It is, of course, absolutely possible that you really are recovering memories of csa. These are another possible explanation.
Now that I've confused myself, I'd recommend discussing the surface part of this issue with your therapist. That you're having a very hard time telling her what's coming up for you right now, because you're not sure if you're remembering something that actually happened to you, or if you're remembering something that didn't happen, and you're afraid that talking with her about it will lead to your becoming embarrassed. That would be a very productive discussion, I'll bet, because you could explore what it would mean to you to be embarrassed.
I hope that helps. It's rotten to be in that sort of a space. (Been there -- you're not alone in experiencing it._
Posted by daisym on October 6, 2004, at 23:29:12
In reply to Things I CANNOT speak of to my T (may trigger), posted by Skittles on October 6, 2004, at 17:36:07
I'm really, really sorry you are having to deal with this. I think both Falls and Racer give good advice. The best place to figure out what are memories and what are possibilities is with your therapist.
Trust yourself. It sounds like what you do know is enough to work on for now. The rest will come. There is a way that these things just break through as you begin to talk about the edges. It is hard and painful but that is why you are in therapy...to get the help you need.
There is no need to be embarressed. I'm sure she's heard lots of different kinds of stories and she wants to work it through with you.
Posted by mandinka on October 7, 2004, at 0:36:40
In reply to Things I CANNOT speak of to my T (may trigger), posted by Skittles on October 6, 2004, at 17:36:07
I also think that you are so used to having your perceptions and feelings invalidated that you expect your therapist to do the same. You'll most likely be pleasantly surprised though once you tell her about your suspicion. If you cannot talk, maybe email her or give her a letter during your session. You really need support and looks like she's your safest bet - I'm assuming you have a good relationship with her. I don't like that she gets irritated with you. Imo she should try to put you at ease by letting you know that whatever it is that's bothering you will be fine with her.
I know what it means to be stuck in a dark place, unseen and unheard. Big hug.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.