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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Bent on October 20, 2004, at 14:56:34
I have been seeing my T for over 2 years now and she’s never physically touched me…maybe a handshake on the first day. We have never talked about it either so I don’t know what her *policy* is on a hug. This comes at a time when I am for once feeling secure in my relationship with her. There is still tons of transference but for the first time I am feeling safe, like she isn’t going to abandon me as we have talked about so many times. She knows I have *mother issues* that I have transferred on to her, and she knows that I tend to stiffen and be uncomfortable when my mom hugs me (not very often and never initiated by me). Maybe for these reasons she’d say no? Maybe she would think a hug would mean too much to me? Maybe it would? What if I ask and she says no? I think I’d feel so hurt and rejected. That fear that might keep me from asking.
Posted by Joslynn on October 20, 2004, at 15:52:24
In reply to Want to ask for a hug, posted by Bent on October 20, 2004, at 14:56:34
Just so you know, a lot of therapists would say no to that just as a general policy. You can find all different theories on to hug or not to hug if you search "boundaries" and "hugs" on the internet (I have come across that while researching some other things about therapy). Some Ts will just automatically say no to that, because of the dynamics, fear of crossing boundaries etc. So it wouldn't be a personal rejection, just a policy.
Posted by cubic_me on October 20, 2004, at 16:13:16
In reply to Re: Want to ask for a hug, posted by Joslynn on October 20, 2004, at 15:52:24
Like the post above says, different T's have different policies on hugs and contact, so if she says no, it is unlikely to be a reflection on you.
I know it might seem scary and uncomfortable, but if you ask and she says no - what have you lost? It might bring up some important things to discuss. You could even bring it up as a topic of discussion, rather than a direct 'can I hug you' question. Perhaps by saying that you have been feeling more secure in your relationship recently and it keeps crossing your mind that you would like to hug her - or something similar.
Good luck, I'm sure you'll get loads of good advice
Posted by LittleGirlLost on October 21, 2004, at 9:00:56
In reply to Want to ask for a hug, posted by Bent on October 20, 2004, at 14:56:34
Wow Bent! I could have written the exact same thing myself.
My previous therapist I saw for 9 years. After about a year or 2 she asked me if I wanted a hug. Having come from a family of non-huggers, it felt very akward, but I grew more comfortable with it over time. (We hugged after every session; but she always asked first.)
Now I've been seeing my new T for a year, and like you, have MANY mother issues. As much as I think I want a hug from her, the 'contact' would also frighten me. (But I DO still want a hug.) We've never talked about this; and I'm too afraid to bring it up. She is very warm, but also has rather firm boundries. I always felt contaminated and undeserving of being hugged; although my last T didn't seem to notice. But what if this new T thinks the way I do? I don't want to get my cooties on her, ya know?
I would advise you to ask her her policy on hugs. How she feels about it; has she ever hugged a client? I know it's not easy, and I know I could never do it, but maybe you could try? The worst they can say is that it's against their policy, but personally I would feel so hurt, rejected, embarrassed and stupid for even thinking such a thing and asking. I actually wish this was something I could bring up with her.
I'm sorry.... didn't mean to go on and on about me, just wanted you to know how much I could relate. Good luck with this and keep up posted on what you decide to do.
LGL
Posted by Bent on October 21, 2004, at 12:18:48
In reply to Re: Want to ask for a hug » Bent, posted by LittleGirlLost on October 21, 2004, at 9:00:56
LGL-
Don’t apologize for going on – I am glad to know others have similar feelings! The more I think about it, I think I might ask her what her stand is in general with this type of contact. I know what you mean by feeling stupid and embarrassed. I don’t know how or if I can do it but I think I should. I understand that even if I did flat out ask her and she said no, it would not be a personal rejection, but it would feel like it in a way. The logical adult side of me can understand why some therapists would rather not encourage physical contact. Asking about how she feels about it in general might be a safer way to start out. I think I am gonna try to bring it up next week…maybe. :)If you don’t mind my asking, did you have good experience with the T you had for 9 years? I feel that I am slowing moving in the direction of termination with my T and it’s really scaring me. I just don’t want to be without her but we have really come very far in the two years we’ve worked together. I just don’t know how to break this attachment.
Thanks for the encouragement!
Posted by Bent on October 21, 2004, at 12:24:11
In reply to Re: Want to ask for a hug, posted by cubic_me on October 20, 2004, at 16:13:16
Thanks. I like that point you made about what do I have to lose? It might feel like a rejection at first but it really isnt. I also think it might bring up some important issues that need to be discussed. I am going to try to talk to her about it.
Posted by LittleGirlLost on October 22, 2004, at 9:00:56
In reply to Re: Want to ask for a hug » LittleGirlLost, posted by Bent on October 21, 2004, at 12:18:48
> Don’t apologize for going on – I am glad to know others have similar feelings! The more I think about it, I think I might ask her what her stand is in general with this type of contact. .... I think I am gonna try to bring it up next week…maybe. :)
Yes I feel the same way about knowing others can relate to how I'm feeling.
That's wonderful that you will try to bring it up next week!! Like you said, just find out what her stance is on the topic since it really is a personal issue/preference. I'm glad you do have a part of you that understands that if she does say no, it would not be a personal rejection. I unfortunately would feel differently. I think you are very brave in bringing this up to her. Maybe I can learn from you. :)
> If you don’t mind my asking, did you have good experience with the T you had for 9 years? I feel that I am slowing moving in the direction of termination with my T and it’s really scaring me. I just don’t want to be without her but we have really come very far in the two years we’ve worked together. I just don’t know how to break this attachment.I don't know how to describe the relationship with the T I had for 9 years. It did not end by my choice; she terminated me abruptly. Looking back, there were many unprofessional things, and it was not a healthy relationship for me, but at the time I couldn't see it. My friends believed that I was filling a void in her life. My new T is very very different; and I'm actually noticing progress. As for you, if you feel you are coming to the end, discuss it with her. Termination should be a process and if you feel you will be ready in the next few months, start working on it now. I know it's hard to think of not having them in our lives, but maybe you can ask if you can keep in touch; at least for a while.
Good luck to you!
LGL
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