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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Daisym on October 29, 2004, at 17:56:37
I have been running from pillar to post and my office is such a disorganized mess that I really can't work. I'm totally compartmentalizing, doing what needs to be done right NOW and nothing else. This is a dangerous way to work as there are things that need prep and they are going to land on me hard soon. I finally MADE time for the grocery store and laundry. I KNOW I'm suffering from burn out, big time. I even arrived at therapy late a couple of times, which I try really hard not to do.
I've had a rough couple of sessions too, an out growth of being so busy. We both made comments about how I was able to focus over the past 10 days and get through all of this. He said, "It must have been a relief to not think about all this for a while." I said not really, but it was hard to verbalize why not. I talked about stuffing my feelings and how much harder that got each day. I told him that there were parts of me screaming to be heard but it was easy to keep them quiet right now. He asked me a question about feeling good and I said it felt like a trick question, because I thought the answer he wanted was for me to agree that I felt good. I tried to verbalize this raging conflict about keeping it together, getting work done, being in charge, etc., (being a grown up) and needing to having a tantrum and fall apart due to the stress and pressure (being a little kid). I didn't do a very good job verbalizing it. It got quiet and I asked what he thought about the conflict that I was feeling. He talked about noticing more resiliency around all the work we were doing, and he hoped I would get to a place where I wasn't afraid to open it during sessions because I was able to close it down in between. That it had been a year of very disruptive emotions for me and maybe we were reaching a place where we could talk about things and I wouldn't end up in a complete melt down, needing so much support in between.
I agreed with him. And my head was spinning and my chest was hurting and I realized what I heard was: "It's been a year now. You should be more resilient around all of this. And in fact, you are. You are just scared to see it. Look how well you are doing. You have to stand on your own two feet more. You can't need me as much." And the tears sprang up but I held them back. He said, "I can see you are having a reaction to what I said. Can you tell me about it?" I shook my head but with some coaching I told him what I heard. And that I was feeling abandoned and rejected. But that I was still conflicted because part of me agreed with him...I just need to push myself to be confident in my ability to keep it together. I have long thought that i'm allowing myself to feel "bad"...that if I didn't have him to lean on, I wouldn't need to. So it has turned from a matter of need into want.
He said that isn't what he meant. He was available to me as much as I needed him and he still wanted check ins, etc. He asked me how I felt about that clarification and I said I was glad he said what he did because I thought sometimes I might still need to call him. But inside my head I felt like the rug had been completely pulled out from under me. I think the 12 year old part was sobbing that once again she has to be grown up, she has to be strong and cope and keep it all to herself. She knows she is smart and resilient. So she will be. She heard "enough" and I couldn't get her to listen to reason around this. And she is shattered by the loss. The thought keeps going through my head that I should never have allowed this attachment, it was bound to be painful at some point. My head and heart definitely didn't match on this. I asked myself why it freaks me out so much when he notes that I'm having a good day or week. Am I afraid to get better?
I think the reaction I had was a strong, total grief reaction, even though my brain agreed with him. I know that the fear of feeling better is losing this important relationship. But it obviously touched something old and painful (perhaps my mother always saying "you are now old enough to...") which I had to sort through. I felt crushed, shattered in some way, but it wasn't logical at all. I tried to write about it and it came out as a jumble of feelings about rejection, abandonment and no one understanding how hard it all is, how well I hide my feelings and how I didn't want him to allow me to hide my feelings, even when I am consciously doing it. Again, not a logical reaction to the conversation AT ALL. *sigh*
I told him all of this yesterday, about over-reacting and figuring out what the trigger was. We talked about how I took things, what he said and what he really meant. I was very calm, rational and the gate-keeper was very in charge. That got us through 25 minutes. One of the things we talked about was my need for him to see past my emotional armor and to maybe ask twice if I was doing OK. I said I totally took responsibility for covering up my feelings, I knew that if I wanted his help or support on something, I had to tell him about it. He countered with it was both our responsibility, he felt as my therapist he should look a little longer and a little harder at things. I admitted that this was somewhat of a relief to hear.
It was a good conversation, clarifying much of what I already had figured out for myself. But I did tell him that little daisy felt like he was saying "enough" and she had been waiting for that. He said he didn't know how to get me to trust him fully...I didn't either. He wanted to know if the adult was waiting for that too. I said no, the opposite was true, that I knew by feeling better it was time to ease off and give my slot to someone else. He asked if that meant I thought he didn't have room for me, I said, "No, just that my turn was up." He commented on how that sounded old too...no room for me, not my turn, giving up what I wanted to someone who needed something more than I did. Then he wanted to know if little daisy had a reaction to what he was saying, and was she now clear about what he meant. I told him we couldn't go there, she wasn't done sorting out her feelings. He said we couldn't keep ignoring her feelings and keeping her out of the room and could we invite her in later? And we sat in silence. There was 10 minutes to go.
After a minute I suggested that I should just leave early. He asked me if we could just sit together in silence, be together that way. I said I would try. After 3 minutes I was quivering, tears running down my face and saying I couldn't do this. He asked me what I was afraid of, and I said my experience was that people stopped talking to you when they were mad and I thought he was mad at me for being so difficult. He said he wasn't mad at all, but I kept crying and then he said, "I didn't mean to upset you so badly. Are you angry with me?" And that is where I lost it completely. I shook my head yes and sobbed out that he knew silence was hard for me and I actually raised my voice and sort of hysterically told him that he just wasn't getting it. I had been trying to tell him in a million ways over the past 2 days that I looked like I was doing OK but I wasn't. That there was too much work, too much stress, too many people who needed me and I was drowning and he didn't see it. He kept saying that he really wanted to get it, he needed to hear it, to let it out and tell him what I needed from him. I told him I needed him to reach in and bring me back, that I was moving away from him and he was letting me. At this point I was sobbing too hard and started apologizing for yelling at him. And time was up.
He asked for a Friday check in because he really didn't want to leave it like this until Monday. So we talked for an hour this morning and cleared up a number of things. He said he was glad I had finally told him off to get what I needed, that he hadn't wanted to seem intrusive or push me too hard, but he obviously needed to be slightly more aggressive about letting little daisy talk. And we talked about my expectations for how therapy will end and how he sees it as a process...AND...he feels that you can and should stay in therapy for as long as you want to, as long as you are getting something out of it, even if you are functioning well. We talked again about how well I can hide what is going on with me, and how it is hard for me not to do this, that I need permission to complain and I shouldn't try to please him or take care of him. And we talked about whose responsibility it was to make sure that I am sharing with him both the big and small stressors on my list. I asked him how many times he wanted to hear about my husband's current medical struggle, or the fact that I had yet another intrusive memory, or that sex still made me cry. He said as many times as I needed to tell him...and he wanted to hear all of it, even if I "just" stub my big toe. And he said while he was really sorry I got so upset yesterday, he thought it turned out to be a very good therapeutic thing, to learn that I can get angry with him and he wouldn't react aggressively nor would it damage our relationship. I told him I knew he would say that! (Such a therapist!) I suspect we will go over this again Monday. In the meantime, I'm open to thoughts, suggestions, and invitations to ice cream parties.
I'm just so glad this week is over. My work-life gets simpler, somewhat, for the next month. I hope to more active on Babble again too. I've missed everyone.
Group Hug!
Daisy
Posted by mandinka on October 29, 2004, at 18:56:05
In reply to Functioning Again - very long, posted by Daisym on October 29, 2004, at 17:56:37
I'm so happy that you opened up to him about your anger, hurt and feeling left alone to cope with your pain and problems. It's great that you let the steam out and he took it gracefully. Great job on both sides!
Of course it is not time for you to let go of your T. Your feelings and memories are just emerging. You'll have lots to work through and it's so great you have such a wonderful T.
Thanks for the wonderful post. It was very moving to catch a glimpse of such a good relationship evolving.
I'm glad you're back with us. Hug. :)
Posted by annierose on October 29, 2004, at 20:46:36
In reply to Functioning Again - very long, posted by Daisym on October 29, 2004, at 17:56:37
Hi Daisym -
You sound like you are in a very good place right now. I know you wrote about your current struggles and stress, but I got to tell you, you sound solid. I really liked reading about your T and your session. You go girl! You're doing great work.
I don't mean to minimize how overwhelming work, home and everything inbetween is going. I do understand that. But I think you are stronger than you see yourself. Welcome back. I always find your post enlightening. And your T is very special too ... just like you!
Posted by gardenergirl on October 29, 2004, at 21:47:42
In reply to Re: Functioning Again » Daisym, posted by annierose on October 29, 2004, at 20:46:36
Posted by fallsfall on October 29, 2004, at 21:49:23
In reply to Functioning Again - very long, posted by Daisym on October 29, 2004, at 17:56:37
Just tell me when and where the ice cream party is. Or let me know if you want me to schedule it. Whenever and whereever - I'm there!!!!!
FF the Ice Cream Queen
Posted by gardenergirl on October 29, 2004, at 21:58:10
In reply to Re: Functioning Again - very long » Daisym, posted by fallsfall on October 29, 2004, at 21:49:23
We thought we'd crash your place. What wine goes good with ice cream? We'd take our shoes off, curl up and dish our T's.
Whatdy'a think?
gg
Posted by Speaker on October 29, 2004, at 22:20:17
In reply to Re: Functioning Again - very long » fallsfall, posted by gardenergirl on October 29, 2004, at 21:58:10
Daisy,
Thank you so much! You encourage me in this therapy stuff. If you remember I have lived with a husband that was terminally ill and if everything else in your life was perfect you need your T just to be healthy in all of that. However, I have followed your posts now for a long time and I know you have lots going on. I know I beat myself up for not handling everything myself but I know its best to stay in therapy and we pay a lot to have someone to lean on. I know you have a great T and I'm thankful for that...just keep leaning as that's what they are there for.
Posted by Poet on October 29, 2004, at 23:25:08
In reply to Re: Functioning Again - very long » Daisym, posted by fallsfall on October 29, 2004, at 21:49:23
Hi Daisy,
You won't believe me, but you are such an inspiration for sticking it out in therapy. You have been having such a hard time, but you seem to gain such insight about Little Daisy and what you and she needs. I know you've had a lot of pain, but you made it through it.
Your T deserves credit, but so do you. Believe it.
I'm in for the ice cream party. The flavor of your choice, you deserve the treat.
Take care.
Poet
Posted by Pfinstegg on October 30, 2004, at 0:47:00
In reply to Re: Functioning Again - very long » Daisym, posted by fallsfall on October 29, 2004, at 21:49:23
Chocolate chip and Pinot Grigio please.
Posted by Daisym on October 30, 2004, at 11:11:21
In reply to Re: Functioning Again - very long, posted by Pfinstegg on October 30, 2004, at 0:47:00
If I get to choose, I'm adding in choc cake and cabernet with vanilla toffee-chip on the side.
OR, Bailey's and choc chunk ice cream.
OR,.... :)
I looked in the freezer and we don't even have vanilla right now! *sigh* A true test to how busy things have been.
Posted by Dinah on October 30, 2004, at 12:52:27
In reply to Functioning Again - very long, posted by Daisym on October 29, 2004, at 17:56:37
Daisy, I'm glad you're feeling good, but I think you need at least several months of feeling good before you should even begin to feel like you need to be selfless. Maybe a year of feeling good.
I had felt very very bad, as you know, not very long ago and had increased my sessions. And I started feeling better and figured I could go back to my regular schedule (I've put dropping to once a week on hold for a while). But under stress this week I totally fell apart. Trouble is my therapist isn't himself right now and going to see him almost provokes more anxiety than it solves.
Don't put too much pressure on yourself to not only feel better but immediately drop your supports and go it alone. That's too much to ask all at once.
My therapist feels the way yours does about therapy. He thinks that as long as I'm getting something from it, I don't need to be seriously ill to go. I know he says that so I won't feel like I need to stay ill. :) But I also know he believes it. I know it's hard for us to believe sometimes (particularly in our most rational part of the brain) but I think we should try to feel comfortable with the idea.
Posted by shrinking violet on October 30, 2004, at 13:43:30
In reply to Good to hear from you, daisy!, posted by mandinka on October 29, 2004, at 18:56:05
Wow, Daisy....I am SO INCREDIBLY IMPRESSED with you and the work you are doing in therapy. I wish I coud do/say half as much as you are able to let out with your T. I'm glad you posted and let us know what's going on. Try to take care, and do something good for yourself.
SV
Posted by TofuEmmy on October 30, 2004, at 18:52:10
In reply to Party food, posted by Daisym on October 30, 2004, at 11:11:21
Fumé Blanc and French Vanilla served with your choice of Rum Raisen Sauce or Mexican Chocolate Sauce
Mexican Chocolate Sauce (Food Network)8 ounces Mexican chocolate, chopped
1/2 cup water
1/4 cup heavy cream
1 tablespoon Kahlza or other coffee-flavored liqueurIn a metal bowl set over a saucepan of barely simmering water combine chocolate and water and stir until chocolate is melted and sauce is somewhat smooth, about 20 minutes. (Most of the water will have evaporated and mixture will have thickened slightly.) Remove bowl from heat and stir in cream and liqueur until combined well. Keep the sauce, covered and chilled, up to 1 month.
Rum Raisin Sauce (Helen Corbitt's Potluck Cookbook)
1/2 c rum
1/2 c seedless raisins
1/2 c sugar
1/4 c water
1 stick cinnamon; optional
1/4 ts vanilla extract
1 tb grated lemon peel
1 tb grated orange peel
1/2 c coarsely chopped pecansPour rum over raisins and let stand until raisins are puffed. Mix sugar,
water and cinnamon and boil 2 minutes. Discard cinnamon and add raisins and
rum. Cook for 5 minutes. Add vanilla. Remove from heat and add lemon and
orange peel. Add nuts. Serve warm, over ice cream.
Posted by Daisym on October 30, 2004, at 19:32:23
In reply to Re: Party food - completely incorrect! ;-), posted by TofuEmmy on October 30, 2004, at 18:52:10
Party at Emmy's! I'll bring the Fume, I have a bottle from Hanna Winery. Yum.
Posted by Dinah on October 30, 2004, at 20:43:57
In reply to Re: Party food - completely incorrect! ;-), posted by TofuEmmy on October 30, 2004, at 18:52:10
This is the end of the thread.
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