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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Aphrodite on March 3, 2005, at 17:56:39
Along the lines of being a difficult client (see Dinah's thread above), we have gone around and around for a year and half about whether or not my T cares about me genuinely. I've thrown around phrases like "meaningless business agreement" and "income source" even though I *know* intellectually that he does care. He tells me and shows me repeatedly, but I cannot seem to receive and feel it in any kind of healing way. Well, sometimes, but it's fleeting, and I end up talking myself out of it. He's gone so far as to tell me that he loves me (with all the right disclaimers and assurance about the type of love he's talking about, of course). Still, it's a struggle . . . or a distraction.
So, in the past couple of weeks, he's been writing everything down. I have a list of things he appreciates about me chock full of details of little things he has remembered. A lot of it was gleaned from our small talk when I doubted he was really tuned in. Last week, we had one major miscommunication and in a follow-up phone call, I for all intents and purposes hung up on him. He wrote down his side of the story and his reassurances and gave it to me. There has been a profound change in how I feel -- something about hearing it and seeing it has made something click in my brain, and I can feel the difference. Plus, it has been so, so comforting to go back and read what are essentially affirmations when I am miserable and/or beating myself up internally.
Maybe I am a visual learner -- I don't know. But something about seeing the words makes me believe them.
The other therapeutic benefit for me is that when I feel or hear something painful in session, I "float away" and miss some of what he is saying and spend time trying to catch up instead of hearing everything as it was intended. The writing fills in those gaps. Those dissociative moments have often been at the root of misunderstanding.
He certainly works hard for the money;)
Posted by pinkeye on March 3, 2005, at 18:06:53
In reply to Having it in writing, posted by Aphrodite on March 3, 2005, at 17:56:39
That is really so very nice of your T. You are lucky. Maybe you should take the jump and then trust that he cares a lot about you. Don't test him further :-)
Posted by Dinah on March 3, 2005, at 18:38:17
In reply to Having it in writing, posted by Aphrodite on March 3, 2005, at 17:56:39
:) That's why we pay them the moderately big bucks.
That was awfully nice of him. He went to a lot of trouble to do that. And it reached you in a way that the spoken word couldn't. If it's in writing, it must be true, right?
I intend to talk to my therapist tomorrow about how I now realize what a bind I put him in. That I only believe him when he says something bad, which leaves a wall between me and anything good he might want to say that's hard for him to breach.
Actions are much easier to believe than words, don't you think?
Posted by Aphrodite on March 3, 2005, at 19:23:19
In reply to Re: Having it in writing » Aphrodite, posted by pinkeye on March 3, 2005, at 18:06:53
It's more about me and my inability to receive good things. It comes from a lifetime of only bad things coming in my direction, so I am just protecting myself from the inevitable crash of this mysterious world of someone caring about me.
Posted by Aphrodite on March 3, 2005, at 19:27:06
In reply to Re: Having it in writing » Aphrodite, posted by Dinah on March 3, 2005, at 18:38:17
I so agree that actions are important. Anyone can talk the talk.
My coworker once pointed out to me that I will take the blame and believe any negative thing thrown at me in work, but I refuse to believe anything good or take any credit for all of my hard work. He asked me why I take the word of people I don't respect when they criticize but I won't believe the people I do respect when they compliment me. It was very eye opening.
It's easy to believe the bad because it fits into my worldview. If the same person is also saying something good, I discredit them. I guess if you're going to trust someone, it has to go both ways.
Posted by Aphrodite on March 3, 2005, at 19:28:11
In reply to Re: Having it in writing, posted by Aphrodite on March 3, 2005, at 19:27:06
Posted by Toph on March 3, 2005, at 20:48:52
In reply to Having it in writing, posted by Aphrodite on March 3, 2005, at 17:56:39
Tell me to go away if I'm annoying Aphrodite, I'd understand because everyone else knows you so well. But I can't help but to comment on your abusive childhood that I only just learned about above. Pinkeye mentioned trust, and I imagine how difficult it could be for you to trust the affection of any adult given your experiences. I can't know this, but your T appears to be able to see past your struggles with the veracity of his caring statements into the eyes of a terrified little girl. It doesn't sound like his fondness for you is pity, however, but based on a love of the adult that you have become. I only wish that my therapy was working on such critical issues.
Toph
Posted by Aphrodite on March 3, 2005, at 22:59:50
In reply to Re: Having it in writing » Aphrodite, posted by Toph on March 3, 2005, at 20:48:52
Such a lovely sentiment, thank you. He does have lots of persistence and constantly tells me he will not give up until I am healed.
I can't remember all that is going on for you -- didn't you once say that the lack of connection for you was a "male" thing? Forgive me if I am mistaken. Sorry you are not getting what you need in your current therapy situation. That's an awful feeling.
Posted by Toph on March 4, 2005, at 6:19:44
In reply to Re: Having it in writing » Toph, posted by Aphrodite on March 3, 2005, at 22:59:50
>
> I can't remember all that is going on for you -- didn't you once say that the lack of connection for you was a "male" thing?
>
You have a better memory than I. Actually that is a rather salient issue for me now having just returned from a sort of bonding trip with my son described on PBW. I think I made small strides in overcomong my characteristic difficulty in expressing to Matthew how much I love him. As you correctly recalled, it has been difficult for me to allow myself to have much of a connection with my psychitrist. Unfortunately, I think my wife might also complain that this problem of mine is not limited soley to males.Toph
Posted by antigua on March 5, 2005, at 9:53:52
In reply to Having it in writing, posted by Aphrodite on March 3, 2005, at 17:56:39
You sound just like me--maybe it's the similarity in our childhoods, or maybe we're just like souls. I used to pull that stuff on my T all the time--tell her that she was just doing her job, I meant nothing to her really, etc., that I was all alone in this. No matter how much she argued w/me, I didn't believe her. In the past weeks she has tried to tell me how she does feel about me and I won't let her. I just cringe at the thought of hearing her words, as if I will be able to distort anything she says to my way of thinking. I don't know. If I have to hear it out loud, than it just may be true.
I don't really know what happened, but this all changed in the last several weeks. I believe she cares about me and she told me she's not giving up. I think she modeled some great maternal behavior and we had some insights that I couldn't ignore. Maybe I'm overanalyzing, but getting back to trusting her was tremendously relieving.
If I had it in writing, I'd keep reading it until it fell apart and I wouldn't be able to deny it.
Good for you,
antigua
Posted by Augustina on March 5, 2005, at 11:48:28
In reply to Having it in writing, posted by Aphrodite on March 3, 2005, at 17:56:39
Hi Aphrodite,
I have a hard time trusting if my T is genuinely concerned about me as well. At my last session he offered to give me a tape of himself stating some affirmations to me (I struggle with an eating disorder). He said he did this for another client and it's been very helpful for her. I couldn't help but think that he'd probably say the exact same affirmations but just change the name to mine, or how generic they would be...yet I was also appreciative of the "gesture". I told him I wasn't really ready for this just yet. I guess I still have my doubts as to whether or not the affirmations are sincere, truthful, coming from his heart or not. If I carry these doubts with me then I don't think the tape would be very "therapeutic" for me.
Thanks for letting me ramble...
-Augustina
Posted by Aphrodite on March 5, 2005, at 14:22:27
In reply to Re: Having it in writing » Aphrodite, posted by antigua on March 5, 2005, at 9:53:52
> You sound just like me--maybe it's the similarity in our childhoods, or maybe we're just like souls.
Probably both! I think abusive backgrounds breed mistrust.
>> I just cringe at the thought of hearing her words, as if I will be able to distort anything she says to my way of thinking. I don't know. If I have to hear it out loud, than it just may be true.
I am scared of it being true. I think I was trying to get him to admit that it wasn't because that's familiar. Now I get it -- he does care; what in the world am I supposed to do with *that*???
>
> I don't really know what happened, but this all changed in the last several weeks. I believe she cares about me and she told me she's not giving up. I think she modeled some great maternal behavior and we had some insights that I couldn't ignore. Maybe I'm overanalyzing, but getting back to trusting her was tremendously relieving.I bet it was a huge, healing relief for you. I'm glad she's giving you the protection you need and deserve.
>
> If I had it in writing, I'd keep reading it until it fell apart and I wouldn't be able to deny it.
>As an educator, I've seen the research a bazillion times that says information obtained by reading is stored in a different area of the brain where information is heard, so people need to learn in multiple ways. So, I got that he cared about me in two parts of my brain that finally clicked. And yes, I have read it so much that it's about to fall apart. Practically speaking, it works for him too because I go to it first if I am feeling the urge to call him after hours, and it is often all I need and the urge passes.
Antigua, I'm so happy things are better for you with your T. I know you felt unprotected by her, and it sounds like her steady presence has helped a lot. I hope it continues for you.
Posted by Aphrodite on March 5, 2005, at 14:27:48
In reply to Re: Having it in writing » Aphrodite, posted by Augustina on March 5, 2005, at 11:48:28
>
> I guess I still have my doubts as to whether or not the affirmations are sincere, truthful, coming from his heart or not. If I carry these doubts with me then I don't think the tape would be very "therapeutic" for me.You're right. I would have the same fear. If it's "you're a good person" "you deserve respect" and other generic things, that would do zilch for me. My T's writing and tapes say things like, "I appreciate you because you are always so conscientious about giving your child a different life than you had. Because you have the capacity to love him so much, I think you have the ability to heal completely." There isn't one line that is generic -- all them have an example of something I said or did. You could tell your T your concerns and say that the only way it could be helpful is that it contained things that wouldn't be relevant to anyone in the world but you. I bet he would agree and be happy to accomodate you.
Posted by Augustina on March 5, 2005, at 14:46:54
In reply to Re: Having it in writing » Augustina, posted by Aphrodite on March 5, 2005, at 14:27:48
Thank-you Aphrodite! I thought I was being selfish, needy and unreasonable by thinking these things...you've given me some insight into this and I will definitely talk to my T next week about my concerns.
-Augustina
Posted by Aphrodite on March 5, 2005, at 20:42:20
In reply to Re: Having it in writing » Aphrodite, posted by Augustina on March 5, 2005, at 14:46:54
> Thank-you Aphrodite! I thought I was being selfish, needy and unreasonable by thinking these things...you've given me some insight into this and I will definitely talk to my T next week about my concerns.
> -AugustinaLet me know how it goes, OK?
Posted by Aphrodite on March 5, 2005, at 20:58:41
In reply to Re: Having it in writing, posted by Aphrodite on March 5, 2005, at 20:42:20
This is the end of the thread.
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