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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by messadivoce on June 3, 2005, at 13:14:46
How do you handle father's day?
My dad and I have a pretty good relationship now. I think he's forgotten the trauma of my childhood. I haven't. It still lurks and makes me keep my emotional distance from him.
How can I be genuine but not lie?
I wish I could give my ex-T a father's day card.
Posted by pinkeye on June 3, 2005, at 13:25:53
In reply to Daisy and others....., posted by messadivoce on June 3, 2005, at 13:14:46
Maybe once you tell your father about the past problems, you don't have to keep bringing it up again? If you can let go, then so be it. You don't have to tell it again and again to be truthful.
I tell my father openly about his mistakes now. Not in all details - but atleast I have told him the gist of the mistakes he has made.
He denies many of it, and accepts some of it. But that has given me some peace. Atleast he knows that I know.
I also have a very good relationship with him now, and I feel free to be affectionate and loving towards him even if I now realize he was not very good. But I don't feel like going and telling him he made a mistake all the time. Father's day is a happy occasion, and since you have a good relationship now, why don't you celebrate it?
Posted by messadivoce on June 3, 2005, at 14:16:35
In reply to Re: Daisy and others..... » messadivoce, posted by pinkeye on June 3, 2005, at 13:25:53
No, I don't think I want to bring up that stuff to him. He would tell me I deserved it. I know now that's not true.
We have an okay relationship now, but it's pretty surface. It's not as though we're close or we talk about things that really matter.
Posted by messadivoce on June 3, 2005, at 14:18:05
In reply to Re: Daisy and others..... » messadivoce, posted by pinkeye on June 3, 2005, at 13:25:53
I don't really need advice on if and when to talk to him. I just want to get through father's day in a way that's not phony.
Posted by pinkeye on June 3, 2005, at 14:21:48
In reply to Re: Daisy and others..... » pinkeye, posted by messadivoce on June 3, 2005, at 14:18:05
Ok. I am sorry I misunderstood.
Posted by Daisym on June 3, 2005, at 20:12:47
In reply to Daisy and others....., posted by messadivoce on June 3, 2005, at 13:14:46
I know what you mean about what a hard day that is. I suspect this year will be harder than last.
I've been "lucky" I guess -- my dad lives on the opposite coast so I rarely see him on Father's day. I usually just send a gift and a card. Nothing too personal. The times he has been here I make it more of a family situation so I'm not alone with it.
Most of the time I focus on my husband. He is a pretty great dad most of the time.
The other thing I wanted to say is that superficial coping is totally OK. So is staying in bed all day with the flu. I think sometimes being authentic is over-rated. I'm not sure my dad deserves my real self -- it is pretty fragile right now and he would just bruise me. So I make nice and we all get a long and when we go home, we talk to our spouses about how F-up the rest of the family is.
I told my son today, "families are so complicated." He said "Yeah, but you aren't supposed to know that when you are still a kid."
:(I wish I had wiser words.
Posted by Jazzed on June 3, 2005, at 21:09:48
In reply to Daisy and others....., posted by messadivoce on June 3, 2005, at 13:14:46
> How do you handle father's day?
>
> My dad and I have a pretty good relationship now. I think he's forgotten the trauma of my childhood. I haven't. It still lurks and makes me keep my emotional distance from him.
>
> How can I be genuine but not lie?
>
> I wish I could give my ex-T a father's day card.
Why can't you get your T a card that says you're like a father to me? Or thinking of you on father's day? It seems like a nice gesture.As far as handling father's day, I don't know if you have to see him or not, but I used to just send my dad an unemotional card. I did the same with my mom. It was actually more difficult to find one that wasn't dripping with emotion, which I didn't feel, so I wouldn't buy.
Now, my in-laws have quit buying b'day presents for their kids, so I don't send gifts. They're not my parents so what the heck do I care?! If they don't care enough about their son to send him a b'day gift, I sure don't care enough about my MIL to send a gift. I like my FIl, but can't play favs, oh well....
Jazzy
Posted by messadivoce on June 6, 2005, at 10:58:49
In reply to Re: Daisy and others..... » messadivoce, posted by Daisym on June 3, 2005, at 20:12:47
Thanks for your reassurance. It helps me accept that I don't *always* have to overdo it in the authenticity dept, and that it's okay to just cope. I like what you said about authenticity being overrated. I wish I could have one of those open and deep relationships with my dad that "perfect" kids have (with their "perfect" parents) but my family is just kind of the way it is, and part of my healing is accepting the sickness that is there. I'm glad you have your husband to talk to about your family.
Posted by messadivoce on June 6, 2005, at 11:02:56
In reply to Re: Daisy and others..... » messadivoce, posted by Jazzed on June 3, 2005, at 21:09:48
My dad and I reside in the same house right now, so it's impossible to avoid the holiday. I think I'll just look for a simple, matter-of-fact card for my dad, and something for a gift he'd enjoy, and leave it at that. Does Hallmark make a card for your hard-to-live-with-have-bad-history-with-emotionally-distant-father?
Actually, since I've moved home, both my parents have been on their best behavior. Do parents grow up as their kids grow up?
As for my former T, I think at this point in our psuedo-relationship, a card would overdo it. I do plan to write him a long e-mail this summer and mention that I hope he had a happy father's day. I think he'll get my drift. He was a stand-in for my dad, and that is becoming more and more apparent to me now. What a good job he did. It must have been hard from his point of view.
This is the end of the thread.
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