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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by messadivoce on July 23, 2005, at 14:12:37
Augh, I am triggered right now, and only because my mom and I were discussing who was going to be invited to my wedding. My dad is really influential in the community, and she was saying there are lots of people we should invite because of my dad's business relationships. Which is fine, a majority of these people I don't really know, and that means more gifts, right?
I told her though that I wasn't inviting this certain family, no matter what politics were involved. Their son assaulted/groped me in high school and generally sexually harrassed me. He did stuff to everyone but no one took him seriously or maybe they were afraid of his family. I chose not to tell everyone at the time because if I had told my parents, they would have gotten mad at him and his family, and then his family would have blamed it all on me and talked about it all over town, and I still would have had to go to church and school with this guy.
My mom is upset that I didn't tell them when it happened, although she understands why. This isn't an issue that I have addressed in awhile, and thinking about it now just makes me want to crawl under the covers and sleep, even though I have lots to do this weekend.
I told my male T about it, and he looked at me with such compassion and understanding, and told me it wasn't my fault, which I believe now, most of the time.
I just feel like planning my wedding is going to be this huge land mine that I'm not ready for. And don't advise me to just "invite you who you want" because that's really not realistic.
I think I will have to find another T just for the reason that I'm planning a wedding. :-(
Posted by gardenergirl on July 23, 2005, at 14:51:14
In reply to Help! (trigger), posted by messadivoce on July 23, 2005, at 14:12:37
Oh sweetie. Planning a wedding can be fraught with landmines as you said. It's not just about you, unfortunately, and that can lead to problems just like you describe. I'm so sorry that has to be an issue for you in planning your day.
Sometimes it's good to try to do a cost/benefit analysis about the situation. What can you tolerate in the spirit of avoiding worse blow-ups? And where do you firmly draw the line, such as you describe with this family.
I'm so sorry that this issue had to come to light during a time that is supposed to be special and happy. I'm so glad your T was understanding and validating. Hang on to that reaction. It's true and authentic and pure.
((((messadivoce)))))
gg
Posted by Susan47 on July 23, 2005, at 16:19:44
In reply to Help! (trigger), posted by messadivoce on July 23, 2005, at 14:12:37
I agree with Gg, but why would you have to find another therapist?
Posted by Jen Star on July 23, 2005, at 17:15:35
In reply to Help! (trigger), posted by messadivoce on July 23, 2005, at 14:12:37
that IS terrible! I'm sorry that you were assaulted by that guy, and that he's on the "potential" invite list. How awful and sucky.
It also sucks that weddings are NOT just for you & the groom. And planning a wedding is truly recongized as one of the potentially most stressful times for a woman! I hope you can find lots of great support to get you through all the difficult moments. And when the big day comes, I hope you can enjoy and savor the moment and the spotlight! :)
Do you mean that you need an extra T? How about more sessions with this T to help you get thru it?
I don't know what to advise you about inviting that guy. If he's important politically, it might be considered gossipy and fodder for talk if he's NOT invited, and people might assume things. However, inviting him feels wrong to you, I can tell. I guess you'll have to think it over and see which option will have the least awful consequences. If he does end up at the wedding, you can totally ignore him and his family, right? It sounds like a huge wedding!
good luck with it all.
JenStar
Posted by Shortelise on July 23, 2005, at 21:58:29
In reply to Help! (trigger), posted by messadivoce on July 23, 2005, at 14:12:37
It always seems so sad that things like weddings come down to stressful questions like this. Ideally, it would be a happy, beautiful day, drenched in love and joy. Alas that is often not the case.
My sister, the queen of stress, decided that on her wedding day, things would go wrong and she knew it. She decided in advance that she wouldn't let it bother her. Before the day she was nuts, but ON the day, she was fine.
Voce, I am laughing right now - I am imagining some of us having two or three T's at certain times in our lives, stressful times. I HAVE to write a story about that. Right now.
I hope you can find a new T to help you through this stress. Maybe I'll suceed in writing a story that will make you laugh.
ShortE
Posted by messadivoce on July 24, 2005, at 2:14:34
In reply to Re: Help! (trigger) » messadivoce, posted by Jen Star on July 23, 2005, at 17:15:35
Sorry I didn't explain. I don't currently have a T. I've had 2 rough terminations. The first with my male T was terrible but expected, and the second one with a female T was unexpected but not *quite* as terrible. The threads are in the archives if you need to know more.
Posted by messadivoce on July 24, 2005, at 2:15:51
In reply to Re: Help! (trigger) » messadivoce, posted by Shortelise on July 23, 2005, at 21:58:29
I hope you write that story!!
Have you seen the Kaiser Permanente commercial where the one guy has like 6 doctors? I could have 6 Ts!
Posted by messadivoce on July 24, 2005, at 2:18:18
In reply to Help! (trigger), posted by messadivoce on July 23, 2005, at 14:12:37
I am only triggered because I have not talked about that incident for SO long, and talking about it today made me feel really terrible for awhile.
I had a terrible time in high school--church kids were mean to me (we moved when I was 15 so I was the new kid and not accepted by those who had grown up together their whole lives). My dad is a minister so he has lots of relationships that have to be maintained, but lots of those people have kids who were terrible to me in high school.
It's not something I dwell on. I've forgiven most of them, but I haven't forgotten it.
Posted by pinkeye on July 24, 2005, at 14:07:31
In reply to Just to clarify, posted by messadivoce on July 24, 2005, at 2:18:18
Hi Messadivoce,
Is there any way you can not invite the guy's family to the wedding? I think you should stick up for yourself, and say a Big No to that guy. And not invite him because of your parents connections to his family.
I know it is really a hard thing to do, but I think it would really help you heal. Sometimes, we just need to be firm in sticking up for ourselves, to give us a sense of well being. If you invite this guys family because of social pressure, you will not develop a sense of self worth and heal.. and from what I see, that is very important.
Posted by fairywings on July 24, 2005, at 14:29:28
In reply to Re: Help! (trigger) » messadivoce, posted by Jen Star on July 23, 2005, at 17:15:35
Yep, you have to stick to your guns on issues like you described. I'm so sorry that it's haunting you, and effecting your special day. Does your fiancee know, so that he can help you with the plans, stand firm on who isn't coming, and help you deal with the pain?
Sounds like your T was very kind and supportive, I hope he can help you through this time.
FW
Posted by AuntieMel on July 25, 2005, at 12:32:32
In reply to Just to clarify, posted by messadivoce on July 24, 2005, at 2:18:18
Well, if all the kids were mean (I know the feeling, I moved myself) then how about if you invite the parents only?
Your dad can have the people he *should* have and you don't have to look at the brats.
This is the end of the thread.
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