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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Deneb on August 3, 2005, at 21:03:26
I have this "acquaintance", (she considers me a friend), and I get really annoyed with her.
IMO, she is not that bright and often times I cannot stand it when she asks really obvious and stupid questions. Her vocabulary is um...limited. I'm not a snob or anything, I don't expect her to use "big" words...heck I don't use "big" words...but it astonishes me to realize that she actually does not know what the words mean.
I've taken some classes with her and I've always gotten way better grades than she does, yet she just graduated and I'm still trying to get my B.Sc. I just hate my breakdowns...they totally screw up my grades and my life! I'm jealous that she is more functional and successful than me but yet I'm smarter.
If she can get her degree, I certainly can! If the average student with average grades can get their B.Sc., I can too because I am capable of getting above average grades. (That is what my p-doc lead me to conclude through evidence).
Anyways, I find that I pretend to be all "nice" to this person. On the inside I really dislike her. My p-doc told me this was me projecting myself on her. I hate how she is needy, I hate how she asks really stupid questions, I hate how she is shallow and materialistic. I don't agree with my p-doc's conclusion...I think I just dislike her. I am not a materialistic person at ALL. I feel absolutely evil when I pretend to laugh at her extremely *lame* comments and jokes and feign concern for her problems.
She just called me up and told me that she went out with some guy for a while and that he just broke it up. This guy is supposedly super smart...going to write the MCATs and such. When she told me that he broke it off, I thought to myself, "Of course he broke it off! He was just going out with you on pity dates!"
I hate myself for hating her so much. I hate myself for thinking that I am better than her because I'm smarter than her. I'm jealous that she has friends and a life and can function as a normal person despite being a ditz. Meanwhile, here I am...going nowhere, always on the edge of death...it's just not fair. I'm capable of so much more...I KNOW I am.
Deneb
Posted by Shortelise on August 4, 2005, at 11:35:25
In reply to Projection? or something more sinister?, posted by Deneb on August 3, 2005, at 21:03:26
I find I dislike most in other people the things I dislike aboutmyself.
SHortE
Posted by Racer on August 4, 2005, at 16:38:08
In reply to Projection? or something more sinister?, posted by Deneb on August 3, 2005, at 21:03:26
I think it's pretty common to look at others and compare ourselves to them -- sometimes in a projective way, sometimes just in that casual, "I think she's thinner than I am..." way. Here's a question for you, though: what do you get out of it?
Obviously, since she has her degree and you don't, there's some difference. It's not intelligence, since you're smarter than she is, so it has to be something else... She finished it? That's my guess. If that sounds harsh, let me tell you a little bit about me that I don't like to tell: I never finished my degree. I was, as I recall, a junior. A junior with a 4.0 GPA, because none of my professors thought I deserved anything over an A. So, perfect -- but incomplete. And I'm ashamed of that.
It sounds to me as though you're looking at her more than you're looking at yourself, probably for some of the same reasons I did that sort of thing when I was younger, and I hope that's what your T was trying to get at. Instead of worrying about the comparisons, can you allow her to be herself and you to be yourself? You're different, she's different -- and just allow it to be?
Also, hard as it is, you don't have to get superior grades in everything, every time. If you don't, you're still worth exactly the same -- your light will still reach the earth just as brightly.
I hope that what I've written makes sense, and that your feelings aren't hurt by it. That really wasn't my intent, only to offer you the benefit of my experience.
(Oh, and another thing I've learned over the years: aloneness isn't as painful as the loneliness of not liking one's friends.)
Posted by Deneb on August 4, 2005, at 20:32:55
In reply to Re: Projection? or something more sinister? » Deneb, posted by Racer on August 4, 2005, at 16:38:08
> Here's a question for you, though: what do you get out of it?
That is a very good question Racer. I've thought about this before but the truth hurts me, so I avoid facing the truth. The truth is that I think I have some self esteem issues. I find I feel better about myself when I'm with people who are not as smart as I am...it is pathetic but true.
> Obviously, since she has her degree and you don't, there's some difference. It's not intelligence, since you're smarter than she is, so it has to be something else... She finished it? That's my guess.The difference is that she doesn't freak out and skip her exams because of existential crises. The difference is that she studies hard and tries her best consistently. I tend to quit life when I'm anxious, depressed or just pain crazy and that happens all too frequently...leading to seemingly chaotic fluctuations in my GPA.
> If that sounds harsh, let me tell you a little bit about me that I don't like to tell: I never finished my degree. I was, as I recall, a junior. A junior with a 4.0 GPA, because none of my professors thought I deserved anything over an A. So, perfect -- but incomplete. And I'm ashamed of that.No, it is not harsh...it is the truth. I think I have much more to learn about what is important in life...I don't get it yet.
> Instead of worrying about the comparisons, can you allow her to be herself and you to be yourself? You're different, she's different -- and just allow it to be?
I know she is not better than me and I am not better than her. I have great difficulties with understanding other people. I think sometimes I don't know where I begin and end...I'm not sure I realize that the world does not change when I change.
> Also, hard as it is, you don't have to get superior grades in everything, every time. If you don't, you're still worth exactly the same -- your light will still reach the earth just as brightly.Thanks for reminding me of that. :-) I'm not sure where I got the idea that my self worth is measured in grades...it certainly wasn't from my parents (who only received a basic education).
> I hope that what I've written makes sense, and that your feelings aren't hurt by it. That really wasn't my intent, only to offer you the benefit of my experience.
It's makes some sense to me and I think that's good enough. :-)
I'm not hurt, I appreciate your reflections on this.
> (Oh, and another thing I've learned over the years: aloneness isn't as painful as the loneliness of not liking one's friends.)Perhaps I need to get new friends then.
Deneb
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