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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by terrics on September 19, 2005, at 8:10:53
hope you are fine terrics
Posted by B2chica on September 19, 2005, at 9:41:11
In reply to Hi B2, posted by terrics on September 19, 2005, at 8:10:53
everyone is booking things for me on the same freaking day! (i have social issues anyway and am feeling withdrawn) but now there are three things i have to do that i really don't want to on saturday.
a family 'day'-driving an hour to see brother and sis-n-law, parents going there too. i even tried to get out of it. i honestly have a wedding reception to go to that night after caving the first time and saying ok, i finally saw 'mother' the other day and told her we just can't make it...she ok'd but five minutes later after i snuck into my room she came a knockin' basically teared up and said they REALLY counted on family being together,blah blah blah 'GUILT'...and other guilt related words. so now i have that, (stressful enough since brother was one abuser and i'm not ready to be touchy-feely with him-which he is), then wedding reception of a close friend-who my other friend said he didn't first invite me cuz she thinks he has feelings for me...messy story but he verbally invited me to reception so i want/need to go, then my husband volunteered me to go camping later that same night! (he kinda guilted too) bonfire great but then sister-n-law now wants us to come back home at night and stay at our house...conversation alone? i'd rather be with the others so i didn't have to talk!yes, ALL THAT STRESS packed into one fun filled day/night/morning.
almost wish i had a breakdown to get out of it, but my husband deserves a little happiness so i'm doing that latter for him. i do like to see him smile.
let's face it, i am a master at disguising my pain. just as i was getting used to actually maybe letting it show a bit...'just suck it up b@tch is all i hear in my head'. 'your feelings dont' matter, people don't ask that much, you're just being lazy and stupid'.
if i was stronger i'd punch that voice right between the eyes. but now...i cave...AGAIN!b2c.
Posted by fairywings on September 19, 2005, at 15:00:35
In reply to Re: stress **potential trigger*, posted by B2chica on September 19, 2005, at 9:41:11
B2, i'd do for your husband, but your mom is an adult, she is old enough to learn to live with it. you really need to take care of B2 right now. i'd back out, and not say another word to her. write her a note if you have to and just tell her life is just too overwhelming right now, and please not to ask you for any commitments, and no guilt trips. you don't need that. would she rather have a healthy B2 or an unhealthy B2?
i hope you can do this for you!
fw
Posted by Tamar on September 19, 2005, at 16:55:04
In reply to Re: stress **potential trigger*, posted by B2chica on September 19, 2005, at 9:41:11
I agree with fairywings.
I also get totally stressed if I have to do more than two things on one day. It's so easy to do things other people want us to do, and then we don't have the energy to enjoy the things we actually want to do.
No doubt your mother really wants the whole family together, but in an ideal world she’d understand if you’re not feeling up to it or if you’re not feeling well enough. If she doesn’t understand that sometimes people don’t feel well enough for social occasions, or if she isn’t sensitive to your feelings, then maybe standing up to her will help her to understand that your feelings need to be considered.
But it's OK to say no. It takes practice, particularly if you tend to think your feelings don't matter. But once you start saying no it gets easier. If it’s too hard to say no on this occasion, then perhaps you might plan in advance to say no to the next one.
Tamar
Posted by B2chica on September 20, 2005, at 9:07:33
In reply to Re: stress **potential trigger* » B2chica, posted by Tamar on September 19, 2005, at 16:55:04
thanks fw and tamar.
yesterday had T appt. and we talked a little about this...he said he was going to give me some straight advice...Don't Go. call you 'mother'-doesn't matter what you say, just don't go. he said it's a good time to start practicing on my boundries and stand up for myself.anyway the good news is i did call and told her no. she was fine with it (over the phone), you just never know with her. either it's a HUGE deal or it's like it never even mattered. -funny how last week she was in tears about us not going and now over the phone she was fine. i'm afraid she'll let loose on my dad about this...i feel so bad for him.
bad news is last night i cut. at the time i didn't know why but this morning i feel incredibly guilty about not going now. like i'm failing my 'duty'. it hurts crazy bad. then i get madder cuz i think she's won either way, either i go or i cut either way, she's won....AGAIN.
;(
disappointed in self.
b2c.
Posted by Tamar on September 20, 2005, at 9:50:01
In reply to Re: stress **potential trigger*, posted by B2chica on September 20, 2005, at 9:07:33
Wow B2C, I think it’s great that you had the courage to tell your mother you weren’t going.
Was cutting a way of punishing yourself for standing up to her? Or was it a way of handling your guilt? Either way, don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s hard to say no; it takes practice.
Are you able to focus on the relief you feel at not having to go? Are you able to feel a little bit proud of your strength in being able to say no?
I’m sorry you’re hurting. I hope you start to feel better soon and that you start to feel the benefits of standing up for yourself.
Tamar
Posted by B2chica on September 20, 2005, at 10:27:02
In reply to Re: stress **potential trigger* » B2chica, posted by Tamar on September 20, 2005, at 9:50:01
> Wow B2C, I think it’s great that you had the courage to tell your mother you weren’t going.
>
> Was cutting a way of punishing yourself for standing up to her? Or was it a way of handling your guilt? Either way, don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s hard to say no; it takes practice.
>
> Are you able to focus on the relief you feel at not having to go? Are you able to feel a little bit proud of your strength in being able to say no?
>
> I’m sorry you’re hurting. I hope you start to feel better soon and that you start to feel the benefits of standing up for yourself.
>
> Tamar
thanx for the props tamar.
i don't feel guilty for standing my ground with her, but i feel guilty all around. i think i cut cuz of guilt. it's weird cuz if she's in one of her angry moods i have no problem standing up to her, but her guilt/tears gets to me and i HATE that!
it's hard to change patterns. and it doesn't help at ALL that she lives within a mile from our house.
i do feel good that i called and said no.
one less pressure for me this weekend.
thanks
b2c.
Posted by fairywings on September 20, 2005, at 12:38:49
In reply to Re: stress **potential trigger*, posted by B2chica on September 20, 2005, at 9:07:33
glad you could do it B2 there are two good books on boundaries one is by anne katharine called "boudaries: where you end..." and the other is "Boundaries" by Dr Henry Cloud with more of a Christian slant
good luck ....
fw
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