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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Poet on December 1, 2005, at 21:38:20
My mother called me to ask what she should get my brother for Christmas. I said a heart, since he was born without one. She hung up on me.
T says it's good that I spoke up. I asked if I can cut off my family forever. She said that I can do that, but we should talk about whether I really want to do that or not.
My T was on her other line when I called her tonight and she called me back and talked for a few minutes.
Kind of sad when it's so obvious that my therapist cares about me more than my own mother. I don't think of my therapist as a mother substitute, she's more like a friend I wish I could have confided in long ago.
Poet
Posted by fallsfall on December 1, 2005, at 22:07:57
In reply to Mom Hung Up on Me, T Glad What I said..., posted by Poet on December 1, 2005, at 21:38:20
Yeah, that is sad.
But it is good that there ARE people who DO care about you. Count us among them.
Posted by orchid on December 2, 2005, at 0:25:06
In reply to Mom Hung Up on Me, T Glad What I said..., posted by Poet on December 1, 2005, at 21:38:20
I am always of the opinion that families matter a lot - even if they are somewhat cruel. Time usually changes people and it is better not to cut off family completely, but maybe just not get involved with persons who you don't like.
There are some relatives of mine who I absolutely can't stand to talk to, but I don't completely cut them off. In fact one of my aunt's whom I used to pretty much hate for many years, has turned around now, and has become quite sweet and sincere, and now I have reestablished my rapport with her. People learn with time, and families will come to your support when you need it in the worst of times. But just silently back off if you don't like them without really brushing them off.
Posted by Dinah on December 2, 2005, at 10:52:08
In reply to Mom Hung Up on Me, T Glad What I said..., posted by Poet on December 1, 2005, at 21:38:20
Some of my most satisfying conversations with my mother end up with her hanging up. Actually, most of them do.
You said what you needed to say. She needs to acknowledge the pain your brother brought you. Until then, how can any of your conversations about your brother be anything but superficial. Or maybe any of your conversations at all. :(
I guess I'm almost lucky in a way that I can clearly see that my mother is ill. I watch her with other people and can see that it's not just me. In some ways that's an easier situation, because I just set firm boundaries and am able to hold them without anger.
Posted by daisym on December 2, 2005, at 16:21:08
In reply to Mom Hung Up on Me, T Glad What I said..., posted by Poet on December 1, 2005, at 21:38:20
You are definately getting stuff out that needs to be out. It is hard to keep up a relationship where there is hurt and anger. But she is your mother, and some day you may see a change in her. I don't know, I think it is something to take slowly. You may just want to limit your contact a lot and see how that goes. On the other hand, going back to the same dry well over and over again is just hurtful.
I'm glad you have your therapist. She sounds great.
Posted by gardenergirl on December 3, 2005, at 13:39:43
In reply to Re: Mom Hung Up on Me, T Glad What I said... » Poet, posted by daisym on December 2, 2005, at 16:21:08
> On the other hand, going back to the same dry well over and over again is just hurtful.
I agree. I've had to struggle with that, but there is hope. My mom's been more supportive lately. I have no idea why. But it took me sort of distancing myself emotionally and I think, doing better with boundaries.
I'm sorry that you have to deal with that, too. But I'm glad you said what you did. :)
>
> I'm glad you have your therapist. She sounds great.Ditto that.
gg
Posted by Poet on December 3, 2005, at 20:08:18
In reply to Re: Mom Hung Up on Me, T Glad What I said... » Poet, posted by fallsfall on December 1, 2005, at 22:07:57
Hi Falls,
Thanks for caring about me. Understanding me, too. The babble family is the best kind of caring.
Poet
Posted by Poet on December 3, 2005, at 20:11:50
In reply to Re: Mom Hung Up on Me, T Glad What I said... » Poet, posted by orchid on December 2, 2005, at 0:25:06
Hi Orchid,
I don't think I could cut them off entirely, but I'm not calling my mother. She can call me. Time won't change her- she's almost 79. I should have learned along time ago that she's set in her ways and I need to just give up trying to get her to be more emotionally supportive of me.
I guess this is what therapy's for...
Poet
Posted by Poet on December 3, 2005, at 20:17:44
In reply to Re: Mom Hung Up on Me, T Glad What I said... » Poet, posted by Dinah on December 2, 2005, at 10:52:08
Hi Dinah,
My mother treats my father horribly. I can't understand why they stayed married (54 years.) He doesn't like how my brother is handed everything by my mother, but I see how she won't listen to him about anything. Shut up is about all he gets out of her.
I'm not calling my mother, if she wants to talk she can call me.
Poet
Posted by Poet on December 3, 2005, at 20:26:49
In reply to Re: Mom Hung Up on Me, T Glad What I said... » Poet, posted by daisym on December 2, 2005, at 16:21:08
Hi Daisy,
Going back to that dry well is hurtful. Today my T said that she thinks that I am feeling like I did when I was a kid and my mother ignored my brother's emotional abuse. T can understand why I want to just cut them all off. Main problem is baby boy lives with my parents and he's impossible to avoid if he's home and I'm over there.
T said that I should tell my mother that *there are things you don't know about that make me feel this way* about my brother and let it go. I'm not calling my mother, she'll have to call me.
Poet
Posted by Poet on December 3, 2005, at 20:30:06
In reply to Re: Mom Hung Up on Me, T Glad What I said..., posted by gardenergirl on December 3, 2005, at 13:39:43
Hi GG,
Thanks for agreeing with what I said. My mother is less and less supportive. She's 78 and is not going to change.
Today my T told me to tell her that *there are things that you don't know* and to let it go. I'll never change my mother's thinking that her baby boy can do no wrong. I feel good about what I said and don't feel guilty. That's progress.
Poet
Posted by gardenergirl on December 3, 2005, at 22:55:37
In reply to Re: Mom Hung Up on Me, T Glad What I said... » gardenergirl, posted by Poet on December 3, 2005, at 20:30:06
I love it when progress is recognized.
Good for you!
gg
Posted by rainbowbrite on December 4, 2005, at 8:19:39
In reply to Re: Mom Hung Up on Me, T Glad What I said... » gardenergirl, posted by Poet on December 3, 2005, at 20:30:06
Ouch, I cant believe she hung up like that
> Today my T told me to tell her that *there are things that you don't know* and to let it go. I'll never change my mother's thinking that her baby boy can do no wrong. I feel good about what I said and don't feel guilty. That's progress.
good idea! Try to get her in person so she hears you and look very seriously at her.
Posted by Dinah on December 4, 2005, at 10:43:19
In reply to Re: Mom Hung Up on Me, T Glad What I said... » Dinah, posted by Poet on December 3, 2005, at 20:17:44
I think that there comes a point, if one is lucky, when one sees destructive parents for what they are, give up any hope that they'll ever be different, and in a fundamental way lets go of them emotionally.
It certainly isn't an easy process.
Posted by happyflower on December 5, 2005, at 13:56:38
In reply to Re: Mom Hung Up on Me, T Glad What I said... » Poet, posted by Dinah on December 4, 2005, at 10:43:19
Hi Poet,
I have been avoiding your thread because it is sort of triggering for me, so this is the first I time I have felt up to reading it.I think everyone needs to deceide what is best for them in a situation. Most people do not change. My mother was a horendous abuser emotionally physically, and there was a ton of neglect from both of my parents. My relationship with my mother ended with a phone call where she hung up on me. My father died a few years ago before Christmas, and my mother is still living but threatening my me and my family every now and then. M
My T fully supports me disowning my mother. He said she is one scary b*tch. I should of ended up dead with the abuse from her I endurred. I know Orchid said that she would never cut off family, but in my case it is the safest thing to do.
I don't know if your mother was abuser to you, but I fully understand if you need to cut her off. You are not alone.
Posted by Poet on December 6, 2005, at 19:05:44
In reply to Re: Mom Hung Up on Me, T Glad What I said... » gardenergirl, posted by Poet on December 3, 2005, at 20:30:06
Hi GG,
Progess is a big wahoo!
Poet
Posted by Poet on December 6, 2005, at 19:08:41
In reply to Re: Mom Hung Up on Me, T Glad What I said... » Poet, posted by rainbowbrite on December 4, 2005, at 8:19:39
Hi Rainbowbrite,
I doubt my mother would listen in person any better than she does on the phone. Then again she heard what I said or she wouldn't have hung up. In person she can't do that. She's too old to walk away quick...
Thanks for your help.
Poet
Posted by Poet on December 6, 2005, at 19:10:54
In reply to Re: Mom Hung Up on Me, T Glad What I said... » Poet, posted by Dinah on December 4, 2005, at 10:43:19
Hi Dinah,
I need to let go emotionally. Three years of therapy and all I can do is get my mother to hang up on me. Though that's a start.
Poet
Posted by Poet on December 6, 2005, at 19:17:30
In reply to Re: Mom Hung Up on Me, T Glad What I said..., posted by happyflower on December 5, 2005, at 13:56:38
Hi Happyflower,
My mother is guilty of emotional abuse and for complete lack of nurturing. My brother is the abuser. My mother heard the things he said to me, had she paid attention maybe other things wouldn't have happened.
I'm so sorry that your mother was and is so abusive to you. I can understand why you want to cut her off entirely. etach completely from her. The relationship is toxic, you deserve better.
Poet
This is the end of the thread.
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