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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 25. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by daisym on December 22, 2005, at 20:54:26
So today I gave my therapist two things that made me think of him. The first was easy to give -- a silly little book called "Chocolate Therapy" and a smart *ss card. The book essentially asks about your favorite kind of chocolate, what shape and what center and tells you about yourself. One of the shapes listed was a spiral, which I marked for him. He laughed.
The second, main gift, made me a lot more nervous. It was a CD of really beautiful music that had "spoken" to me and I wanted to share it with him. (I was nervous because I found out the song I really connected with on the CD was called, I Love You.) I wrote him a long note in a card saying that if my therapy had a sound track this would be it. And I told him which song was my favorite but that I was worried he would misunderstand my intention in giving it to him. I shouldn't have worried. He received it with the grace he always does and said that my card touched him and he couldn't wait to listen to the song. At the end of the session, he thanked me again and I looked at him and said, "thank you for letting me do this for you. It feels nice." He said I certainly didn't need to get him a gift but he could tell that this came from a really special, heartfelt place and he was glad I shared it with him.
And of course I cried when I left (geez, it is only a 4 day separation!) and made him promise to be careful during the weekend. And then called later and left a stupid message. I hate this weepy sad place I'm in but I'm really glad that he liked his gift. :)
Anyone else want to share?
Posted by orchid on December 22, 2005, at 21:09:07
In reply to Gift Giving, posted by daisym on December 22, 2005, at 20:54:26
Your T is really wonderful and seems to be extremely nice. No wonder you like him so much :-)
I am glad that he responded the way he did. I sometimes thought a while back that he is perhaps encouraging your dependance. But now I take it back. I think the dependance and attachment is there anyway, and it is only good if the T openly acknowledges it and accepts it instead of trying to minimize it or reject it. I think this will help you heal more than if he had taken a distant and closed stance. I am sure, with time, you will be able to move past whatever suffering you are having now, and will be able to have warm and cherished memories.
((Daisy))
> So today I gave my therapist two things that made me think of him. The first was easy to give -- a silly little book called "Chocolate Therapy" and a smart *ss card. The book essentially asks about your favorite kind of chocolate, what shape and what center and tells you about yourself. One of the shapes listed was a spiral, which I marked for him. He laughed.
>
> The second, main gift, made me a lot more nervous. It was a CD of really beautiful music that had "spoken" to me and I wanted to share it with him. (I was nervous because I found out the song I really connected with on the CD was called, I Love You.) I wrote him a long note in a card saying that if my therapy had a sound track this would be it. And I told him which song was my favorite but that I was worried he would misunderstand my intention in giving it to him. I shouldn't have worried. He received it with the grace he always does and said that my card touched him and he couldn't wait to listen to the song. At the end of the session, he thanked me again and I looked at him and said, "thank you for letting me do this for you. It feels nice." He said I certainly didn't need to get him a gift but he could tell that this came from a really special, heartfelt place and he was glad I shared it with him.
>
> And of course I cried when I left (geez, it is only a 4 day separation!) and made him promise to be careful during the weekend. And then called later and left a stupid message. I hate this weepy sad place I'm in but I'm really glad that he liked his gift. :)
>
> Anyone else want to share?
Posted by happyflower on December 22, 2005, at 21:53:18
In reply to Gift Giving, posted by daisym on December 22, 2005, at 20:54:26
I feel the gift I received from him was my last session was emotional holding, acceptance, and connection and some humor and he gave me his trust , I gave all those back to him too, the gifts were shared mutally with each other. We both left my session happy and smiling and feeling mutally connected with each other. It felt really good. :) I feel we both gave each other ourselves unselfishly to each other and the connection was amazing.
Posted by daisym on December 22, 2005, at 22:35:54
In reply to Re: Gift Giving » daisym, posted by orchid on December 22, 2005, at 21:09:07
My therapist has often admitted to encouraging my attachment. He dislikes the word dependency because it has negative connotations...he talks a lot about people being interdependent. We spent a lot of time this week talking about how necessary a strong attachment is to do the deep work we are doing. And only by doing the deep work will I eventually heal. This came up because a close friend was questioning the length of time I've been in therapy and motivations for continuing.
It helped me to talk about it because often, like you wrote in your post, people tend to think negatively about strong feelings in therapy and regard dependency as a bad thing; worse, they think a therapist is being destructive by encouraging or even allowing it. The prevailing attitude is that a strong independent self must be the theraputic goal. I believe that unless you've had this kind of experience you just can't fathom the depth of it and the enormous and powerful feelings that rise up.
It has taken me all week but I've moved to a place where I am willing to defend my attachment as necessary for me. It won't last but it feels nice right now.
Posted by sleepygirl on December 22, 2005, at 22:45:05
In reply to Re: Gift Giving » orchid, posted by daisym on December 22, 2005, at 22:35:54
> My therapist has often admitted to encouraging my attachment. He dislikes the word dependency because it has negative connotations...he talks a lot about people being interdependent. We spent a lot of time this week talking about how necessary a strong attachment is to do the deep work we are doing. And only by doing the deep work will I eventually heal. This came up because a close friend was questioning the length of time I've been in therapy and motivations for continuing.
>
> It helped me to talk about it because often, like you wrote in your post, people tend to think negatively about strong feelings in therapy and regard dependency as a bad thing; worse, they think a therapist is being destructive by encouraging or even allowing it. The prevailing attitude is that a strong independent self must be the theraputic goal. I believe that unless you've had this kind of experience you just can't fathom the depth of it and the enormous and powerful feelings that rise up.
>
> It has taken me all week but I've moved to a place where I am willing to defend my attachment as necessary for me. It won't last but it feels nice right now.This was a nice post. :-)
I'm really torn about this issue right now, feeling like I need to "move on", like I'm somehow indulging myself by continuing therapy, but I don't seem to get anywhere when I feel this way. I don't know what my T thinks about it....also I don't feel like I'm working on much of anything right now. I hate this feeling.I didn't do the gift thing...just a card to say thank you, but it felt sort of like a goodbye. I've given some more thoughtful gifts before. I don't know. I'm having a hard time feeling attached to anything or anyone right now.
Posted by fallsfall on December 22, 2005, at 22:45:49
In reply to Gift Giving, posted by daisym on December 22, 2005, at 20:54:26
Posted by annierose on December 22, 2005, at 23:02:16
In reply to Re: Gift Giving » orchid, posted by daisym on December 22, 2005, at 22:35:54
Daisy -
As usual, this post was beautiful. Yet another gift you and your T have given each other, this relationship. Whenever I question my attachment in therapy to my T (which seems often enough) she always reassures me it's what supposed to happen --- it's what I need to go through, to feel, to trust. And it's perfectly alright. It just rips my heart to pieces at times.
I also gave my T her gift this week. It was a personal gift and hard to pick out. I wrote her a long note explaining my gift choice (thanks to Daisy) as well as my feelings for her and this relationship. In the note I wrote I felt like Goldilocks, trying to find the perfect combination. She laughed out loud reading my note and that made me smile. She said that I knew her. I shook my head, "I know only the important parts, not the details." She replied, "Oh, but you do know me." I wish I knew her better, or is it that I wish I could trust my feelings better.
Posted by 10derHeart on December 23, 2005, at 0:35:56
In reply to Gift Giving, posted by daisym on December 22, 2005, at 20:54:26
Anyone else want to share?<<
Sure, Ill try. I gave my T. a "thank-you" card 2 weeks ago for my one-year in t. anniversary. It talked about kindness, and that it's a language he speaks eloquently. I wrote a lot of things inside, too, that I can't totally remember. :-( With the card, I gave him a little cloth snowman, about 2 inches high. It looked like a "Christmas snowman" (red and green little vest/earmuffs) but that was just a coincidence. I collect them. All kinds, pretty much. This one just looked sweet and hug-able and somehow made me smile instantly, so those things reminded me of the affection I have for my T.
The snowman has been hanging on a nail in the center of his office door ever since. He made a point to show me he put it there. Two days ago, he also said, "Look, it's still there and it's not moving."
:-)
My card, well, he seems to recall what I wrote so well, and I don't know how. I mean, he has many clients, and I'm not the only one who writes him things in cards or otherwise. Yet, he still does. (I like it, and how it makes me feel about being important to him, in case anyone couldn't tell...) He's referred to my words several times in sessions. He has the card displayed on top of his computer monitor. :-)
I get so frustrated he can't make me not hurt, not miss emailing him, not feel less lonely between sessions, and then I think of gestures like this. And I realize he does a lot to make me feel special...sometimes I just forget.
Hope that was still about a gift. Not a Christmas/holiday gift....but it's what came to mind. I mailed him a very beautiful, 'specially chosen Christmas card, too. We share the same faith-background, so this day is something quite big for us both. We'll see what he says about it next week.
(Nice to post here again, but I still don't feel quite comfortable, so bear with me if I appear and disappear...)
Posted by 10derHeart on December 23, 2005, at 0:39:06
In reply to Gift Giving, posted by daisym on December 22, 2005, at 20:54:26
your post and what you did, what he said...all beautiful.
Gifts have so much emotion all around them.
I love reading your posts. I'm thankful you're always here.
Posted by Frida on December 23, 2005, at 9:53:14
In reply to Gift Giving, posted by daisym on December 22, 2005, at 20:54:26
Dear (((Daisy))))
That's very sweet...
Giving him a CD with songs that have touched you is very special and doesn't it feel comforting and safe to know he'll listen to it?I saw my T yesterday and now I won't see her for a month and a week :-(
I made her a drawing...of our work together. I drew her and a lot of things about T and how I feel for her. I drew her with a blanket which had words like hope, honesty, truth, openness..
I drew her healing butterflies, I drew myself near an abandoned ship, and broken things, puzzles, etc...but with some calmness because of her. Also a lighthouse, etc.
I framed it and gave that to her and she loved it :-)She also gave me something for me to hold on to and that meant the world to me, especially since I won't be seeing her for so long. She gave me a book that is special to her for me to take care of it until she returns, and a CD she always listens to..
I love giving gifts to her that are from my heart, and that express something I can't say with words.
She can see a lot in my drawings and for me it's relieving, it's like showing her part of my heart.
:-)Thanks for letting me share,
((((Daisy))))safety,
Frida> So today I gave my therapist two things that made me think of him. The first was easy to give -- a silly little book called "Chocolate Therapy" and a smart *ss card. The book essentially asks about your favorite kind of chocolate, what shape and what center and tells you about yourself. One of the shapes listed was a spiral, which I marked for him. He laughed.
>
> The second, main gift, made me a lot more nervous. It was a CD of really beautiful music that had "spoken" to me and I wanted to share it with him. (I was nervous because I found out the song I really connected with on the CD was called, I Love You.) I wrote him a long note in a card saying that if my therapy had a sound track this would be it. And I told him which song was my favorite but that I was worried he would misunderstand my intention in giving it to him. I shouldn't have worried. He received it with the grace he always does and said that my card touched him and he couldn't wait to listen to the song. At the end of the session, he thanked me again and I looked at him and said, "thank you for letting me do this for you. It feels nice." He said I certainly didn't need to get him a gift but he could tell that this came from a really special, heartfelt place and he was glad I shared it with him.
>
> And of course I cried when I left (geez, it is only a 4 day separation!) and made him promise to be careful during the weekend. And then called later and left a stupid message. I hate this weepy sad place I'm in but I'm really glad that he liked his gift. :)
>
> Anyone else want to share?
Posted by gardenergirl on December 23, 2005, at 10:13:35
In reply to Re: Gift Giving » orchid, posted by daisym on December 22, 2005, at 22:35:54
> >
> It has taken me all week but I've moved to a place where I am willing to defend my attachment as necessary for me. It won't last but it feels nice right now.That's great, Daisy. I know you've struggled with this issue. I'm glad you're feeling at ease with it now.
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on December 23, 2005, at 10:20:22
In reply to Gift Giving, posted by daisym on December 22, 2005, at 20:54:26
You know, I've never given my T a gift. I think I'm afraid to show him I care. I've only talked about it a couple of times in two years.
That darned fear of rejection thing. Or that he'll think I'm not doing as well as I think I am. Which I know is totally irrational. What's wrong with caring about someone? Especially someone who holds such an important role in my life?
sigh
It's reminding me about my post on social about "letting my hair down" when I'm home alone. I don't have that feeling in therapy, either, although I suppose it's closer than when my husband is home. But those darned "shoulds" are at play here..."Shouldn't I" feel that way in therapy?
Good thread. Lots of thoughts about it.
gg
Posted by fairywings on December 23, 2005, at 12:42:09
In reply to Gift Giving, posted by daisym on December 22, 2005, at 20:54:26
I"m just always so amazed at the wonderful relationship you have with your T, and how open you can be with him, even if it is difficult. Your words are always so beautiful and heartfelt. I can understand why he'd be attached to you, and from what you say about him, I can understand why you'd be attached to him.
fw
Posted by daisym on December 24, 2005, at 0:50:24
In reply to Re: Gift Giving, posted by happyflower on December 22, 2005, at 21:53:18
Sounds like a great connection and a good session to have before the Holidays. I hope you have many more of those. I know things have been really rough -- I'm glad therapy is helping you. What a great gift you gave each other.
Posted by daisym on December 24, 2005, at 1:10:14
In reply to Re: Gift Giving » daisym, posted by sleepygirl on December 22, 2005, at 22:45:05
Why is it so hard to feel attached right now? Has something changed or is this how you usually feel? Are you avoiding something painful...or have you reached a point where you don't need therapy as much?
I flip in and out of being comfortable with my attachment and I know how scary it can be to feel these feelings. I think you should talk about it with your therapist...maybe it will help move things forward.
Posted by daisym on December 24, 2005, at 1:15:40
In reply to Re: Gift Giving » daisym, posted by annierose on December 22, 2005, at 23:02:16
I'm so glad she liked your gift and your note. I guess like Goldilocks you found something that was "just right." :)
I bet you do know the most important things about her and you just have to trust your gut about this. Isn't it strange that a relationship that is so special and important is also so hard to allow yourself.
Posted by Voce on December 24, 2005, at 2:08:16
In reply to Gift Giving, posted by daisym on December 22, 2005, at 20:54:26
That is such a lovely story! Thanks for sharing. :-)
Voce
Posted by rubenstein on December 25, 2005, at 17:21:28
In reply to Re: Gift Giving » daisym, posted by Voce on December 24, 2005, at 2:08:16
I gave my T a card and bookmark at the door as I was leaving. Now I feel nervous that he won't like it. Thanks Daisy, your story helped my worries.
Rachel
Posted by pegasus on December 27, 2005, at 13:43:38
In reply to Re: Gift Giving, posted by rubenstein on December 25, 2005, at 17:21:28
I'm so impressed with all of you who give your Ts gifts. I've never had the nerve. And I've always been afraid that trying to find and give an appropriate gift would spike my anxiety up to unmanageable levels. Plus, I always had a sort of resentment about it. I guess I feel like . . . why should I give him a gift if he wouldn't ever give me one. I'm the client, after all. I'm already forking over the money. In a regular business arrangment, he'd be giving me the gifts.
Sigh. But then there is the gratitude thing. That flows the other way, doesn't it? :)
pegasus
Posted by annierose on December 27, 2005, at 15:36:42
In reply to Re: Gift Giving, posted by pegasus on December 27, 2005, at 13:43:38
Picking out her gift gives me such pleasure. Besides buying gifts for my children, the process of choosing the "perfect" gift for her is a priority for me.
I feel she gives me the greatest gift. Her undivided attention, support, understanding, patience ... and so much.
I would feel rejected if she didn't accept it. So I'm glad she does and gracefully.
It's certainly a different sort of business relationship. They do need to get paid in order to do what they do. But I understand what you are saying.
My mother-in-law is a child psychologist (well, now in retirement). And she did buy her clients small gifts ($ 5.00 ish). But they were children afterall.
Posted by pegasus on December 30, 2005, at 23:29:53
In reply to Re: Gift Giving » pegasus, posted by annierose on December 27, 2005, at 15:36:42
Oh, yes, of course. I totally understand the desire to give gifts to our Ts. I've shared that - just been too chicken to do it. The other bit - the resentment - is just a little piece. And I totally understand why they wouldn't give clients gifts. It's just this stupid thought that I can't get rid of. Somewhere in the process of feeling all the gratitude, I have this little half thought going "yeah, but I've paid for it all." Seems . . . I don't know . . . redundant? . . . to give a gift also? Maybe that's irrational. ;)
pegasus
Posted by bailey777 on January 1, 2006, at 10:01:12
In reply to Re: Gift Giving » annierose, posted by pegasus on December 30, 2005, at 23:29:53
I just posted on this subject, so I missed this thread, but it ws very interesting to how many of us have had the same feelings about giving a gift to our T's. I've been with mine for over 2 years and I think this is the third Christmas, so I felt compelled to do some thing this year. The 2nd year I wanted to but did not have the nerve. So, this year I brought in cookies, which luckily she really liked and thanked about three times and then thanked me again as I was walking down the hall after the session -- which made me feel good that I did bring something in. (maybe other people don't?).
It's funny that people are talking about attachment too. I act of gift giving says that you are attached and the person does have meaning to you and... well, you thought of them as a person not just a provider of mental health care. Of course, it took me like an hour to pick out the "perfect" cookies. That to me was very scary I realized and it seems that people have the same issues.
But here's a question -- I find myself attached more when I'm NOT in therapy (the actual session), but then when I get there, I tend to say to myself -- "I have no attachment for you at all, why do I think about you outside of these sessions?" I find that kind of puzzling. Anyone else feel like this?
Posted by Dinah on January 1, 2006, at 15:08:56
In reply to Re: Gift Giving, posted by bailey777 on January 1, 2006, at 10:01:12
Hi and welcome. :)
I often find that to be true of me as well. It's like the reality can't live up to the idealized relationship in my mind. Often. But then there are those magical sessions where everything goes right that I feel every bit as attached as I do when I'm alone. I guess those sessions are the basis of the between session attachment.
Posted by bailey777 on January 2, 2006, at 17:09:47
In reply to Re: Gift Giving » bailey777, posted by Dinah on January 1, 2006, at 15:08:56
Hi Dinah --
Thanks very much for your post. there are those great sessions where you are connected - I haven't had one in a while (just the one where I got so mad I almost had an anxiety attack!). I guess not every session is going to be good, but I believe it's the effort that I put into make it fulfilling and worthwhile to go.
thanks again
Posted by annierose on January 2, 2006, at 19:33:15
In reply to Re: Gift Giving, posted by bailey777 on January 1, 2006, at 10:01:12
I'm been away, so I've just started catching up on babble. I totally know what you mean about feeling more attached outside of therapy than when I'm with her.
It would be a good thread to start.
I think Dinah is right, the attachment comes from previous experience with our Ts and not every session can sustain that emotional intensity. But when they have been there for us, held us up, so to speak, it's a powerful feeling that endures.
My T and I recently had a conversation about "the perfect parent". I never idealized either parent so I never experienced looking up to my parents as all-knowing, all-loving or wise. But I do look up to my T (even though she is probably only 5 years or so older than I). Of course she isn't perfect (I had sessions that were off the mark) but I do need to make her more into a real person.
This is the end of the thread.
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