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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Voce on January 6, 2006, at 17:06:05
After much red tape and struggle, I'm finally getting my therapy records since Sept of '03 released to me. Well, I'm actually getting them released to former female T, who works at another university in town now and will pass them on to me once she receives them.
I am doing this because
1. I don't know how long my records will be kept there. With all the upheaval and change that office has seen in the past year, I wanted to make sure I had a copy of my records so that if I ever returned to treatment, I will have these records to give to my provider.
2. I'm not going to lie. Most of those records were written by former male T, and they are the last tangible thing attached to him. Former female T and I had started to go through those records before she was forced to leave.
I'm probably just going to read them myself. Please don't anyone try to convince me not to...I'm very curious and I also feel like I have enough emotional distance to look at them fairly. I realize that it will be quite clinical and dry with very little "personality".
So I went in to sign this release, and while the secretaries were bumbling around trying to find the form, I snuck back to the offices and peeked into my former male T's office. It was TOTALLY different!! Brighter lights, brighter colors, flowers on the rug!!!! When my former T had dimmed lighting, blue couch, Monet on the wall above my head. I always wondered if that was how his office came or if he had decorated it according to his tastes. I guess the latter.
He likes Monet too. :-)
Posted by Dinah on January 6, 2006, at 18:23:00
In reply to Ramblings, posted by Voce on January 6, 2006, at 17:06:05
I've read any files I can get my hands on, except my therapist's and my old pdoc who works with my therapist. I wouldn't want to distress myself by reading something negative.
If you decide to read them, wouldn't it be better to do so with your therapist?
Posted by Voce on January 6, 2006, at 18:33:52
In reply to Re: Ramblings » Voce, posted by Dinah on January 6, 2006, at 18:23:00
<If you decide to read them, wouldn't it be better to do so with your therapist?>
I don't have an "official" therapist right now.
Do you mean my former female T?
I can probably ask her if I have questions.
She knows I want to read them.....I'm glad I'm not the only one who likes to read files. :-)
Posted by daisym on January 6, 2006, at 20:07:20
In reply to Re: Ramblings » Dinah, posted by Voce on January 6, 2006, at 18:33:52
I'd love to read mine and it terrifies me too. But I know that my therapist is very careful about what he writes down incase I'm ever in public office. :)
Which Monet? I love the blue and green prints of water lillies.
Posted by fairywings on January 6, 2006, at 20:38:33
In reply to Ramblings, posted by Voce on January 6, 2006, at 17:06:05
i'd love to read mine too, but don't have the kahoonahs to ask! ; ) lol the last time i was at pdoc's he was busy scribbling away, first time he's ever done that. had me curious what in the heck he was writing, and who would see it! Yikes! ; )
what was the red tape all about? didn't they want to release them? did you have to pay for them? i had records of my "bad therapy" sealed, or at least i asked for them to be. he was so bad i couldn't trust anything he said.
sounds like seeing your old T's office was a trip down memory lane. i hope whatever you read it isn't upsetting, and is just.....what it is.
btw, don't ya just love dimmed lighting!?! it's the only way to fly.
fw
Posted by gee on January 6, 2006, at 22:36:37
In reply to Re: Ramblings » Voce, posted by fairywings on January 6, 2006, at 20:38:33
I don't know if I would want to see mine. I think, for me, it would be way too weird to read what my "old" T had to say about me, especially now as we have a totally different relationship
Posted by Emily Elizabeth on January 7, 2006, at 0:47:33
In reply to Ramblings, posted by Voce on January 6, 2006, at 17:06:05
LOL, mine would take waaay too long to read! I always marvel at how thick my file is at pdoc's (she has it out and takes notes in it each time we meet) and I have seen her much less than my T!
I must say that I don't really have a desire to read my files, curiousity, but not a true desire. It was sufficiently intense to read and notice changes in my diagnostic codes. Maybe after therapy is done I'll feel differently. It is an interesting issue for sure. Let us know how everything goes.
Best,
EE
Posted by Voce on January 7, 2006, at 2:39:04
In reply to Re: Ramblings » Voce, posted by daisym on January 6, 2006, at 20:07:20
<Which Monet? I love the blue and green prints of water lillies.>
That is exactly the one!! I always saw it before my session. I would have loved to look at it during my session, but it hung right over my head. I wanted to ask him if it was his, but was too chicken. Now I think it might have been his. :-)
Posted by Voce on January 7, 2006, at 2:43:15
In reply to Re: Ramblings » Voce, posted by fairywings on January 6, 2006, at 20:38:33
When I asked for them in May, I was told that a therapist (someone I didn't know) would have to review the entire file. Then I would have to sign a release authorizing that T to speak with my former female T, and possibly male T, about the contents (totally unnecessary in my opinion). Then, and only then, they would release a "treatment summary" to me. Not the actual records. Which is of course exactly what I want, word for word!!
I asked former female T if she would help me get them, and since she used to be the head of the counseling center, a simple phone call to the new director (who used to be her subordinate) did the trick. All I had to do was sign a release form and the records will be released to her. I could have had them released directly to me but I wanted to avoid any problems. I've found it's not kosher in the therapy world to release raw records to a patient.
Posted by Voce on January 7, 2006, at 2:50:31
In reply to Re: Ramblings » fairywings, posted by Voce on January 7, 2006, at 2:43:15
that my first T did not really clue me in on the processes of therapy while it was happening. I had to find the definition of "transference" myself to explain all the agony I was going through. I had to do all the reading before I realized he was psychodynamic. I would have appreciated a few explainations along the way...now I'll get to read the records and see a little bit of what was going on in his head.
It's sort of spiteful, I know. I don't like being kept in the dark about anything. I know he didn't think I was too dumb to understand psychobabble language and clinical terms. I think he just wanted the processes of therapy to happen unadulterated. He did apologize once for engaging in "professional snobbery" (when I suggested, meekly, that he read "In Session: the bond between women and their therapists"). He did end up reading it much later and loved it.
Posted by daisym on January 7, 2006, at 12:43:35
In reply to Re: Ramblings » daisym, posted by Voce on January 7, 2006, at 2:39:04
My son's therapist has that one in his office over the couch. He says he calms himself by looking at it so he can stay focused on his clients. I think it is a technique a lot of use. I find I "get into the picture" when I'm trying to keep things inside myself under control.
In fact, since my son just went back to therapy and it was in a new office, that picture was the first thing I looked for. :)
Posted by happyflower on January 7, 2006, at 15:01:49
In reply to Re: Ramblings, posted by daisym on January 7, 2006, at 12:43:35
Maybe that is what my T does. Above where I sit is a painting his mother painted. Mabye she brings comfort to him when he needs it.
I mentioned the fact that above where his clients sit is a painting of a "fruit bowl" and above his desk is a beautiful flower. Then my T said isn't it ironic that it is a "poppy" . Hmmm. My T must have a fun past from the 70's LOL. And I thought all T's were like Mother Teresa! LOL
Posted by fairywings on January 7, 2006, at 17:50:44
In reply to Re: Ramblings » daisym, posted by happyflower on January 7, 2006, at 15:01:49
> Maybe that is what my T does. Above where I sit is a painting his mother painted.
***hmmmm....is it any good?
Mabye she brings comfort to him when he needs it.
***hmmmm.....
> I mentioned the fact that above where his clients sit is a painting of a "fruit bowl"***FRUITbowl?! LOL Oh hf that's priceless!
>> And I thought all T's were like Mother Teresa! LOL
***Oh c'mon I KNOW you didn't really think that.....did you?! LOL Not with what I've read on here, and experienced for myself.
fw
Posted by happyflower on January 7, 2006, at 18:07:08
In reply to Re: Ramblings » happyflower, posted by fairywings on January 7, 2006, at 17:50:44
> > Maybe that is what my T does. Above where I sit is a painting his mother painted.
>
> ***hmmmm....is it any good?Well she isn't as good as you Jazzy! :)
> Mabye she brings comfort to him when he needs it.
>
> ***hmmmm.....What's ya hmmmm. for? LOL Are you thinking he is a momma's boy? LOL
> > I mentioned the fact that above where his clients sit is a painting of a "fruit bowl"
>
> ***FRUITbowl?! LOL Oh hf that's priceless!
Yeah, I told him, what is the meaning of that? You know he should pay me for the session, he can't have this much fun with anyone else! LOL I tell him as I see it. LOL
> >> And I thought all T's were like Mother Teresa! LOL
>
> ***Oh c'mon I KNOW you didn't really think
that.....did you?! LOL Not with what I've read on here, and experienced for myself.
> fw
Yeah, I would say my T toasted his brain, maybe that's his problem? LOL He mentioned the poppy flower, not me! What do you do with poppy, is that opium? Do you smoke that stuff? I don't know, not my style.
Posted by Berberis on January 7, 2006, at 22:03:46
In reply to Ramblings, posted by Voce on January 6, 2006, at 17:06:05
I obtained a copy of my hospital medical record from a 9-day psych admission. I wish I never had. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. It's very troubling to read what all the pdocs and nurses write from observing you.
Posted by Voce on January 8, 2006, at 1:51:00
In reply to Hospital medical record, posted by Berberis on January 7, 2006, at 22:03:46
<I obtained a copy of my hospital medical record from a 9-day psych admission. I wish I never had. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. It's very troubling to read what all the pdocs and nurses write from observing you.>
I am so very sorry it was hard for you. I am expecting to have some sadness over reading these records, but I had a real *relationship* with my T, and when the records get too cold and clinical, I'll at least know he really cared about me.
Posted by Voce on January 8, 2006, at 1:58:39
In reply to Ramblings, posted by Voce on January 6, 2006, at 17:06:05
At times I'm overwhelmed by a wild tenderness for him, a sense of love and gratitude for the sincerty of his person, and how he tried to show me in many small ways that he cared. How he invested energy and much of himself in me; how undivided his attention was; how he was genuinely interested in the small things that made up my life, my relationships, my thoughts and my ramblings, even when they made no sense at all. How he loved me gently, reservedly, and allowed me to love him back and feel safe doing so.
And other times....oh. How angry I am at him for leaving, how spiteful, how I feel that if he stood before me I would deny that I ever knew him well. How it would give me pleasure to hurt him back, just a very small amount, just so that he could know how it feels to love someone and be confronted with coldness and distance. Of course he never loved me the same way I loved him, so I could never make him feel this way. But I hope that sometime, some way, he has been or will be left alone in the same way he left me alone.
Posted by James K on January 8, 2006, at 2:01:54
In reply to Hospital medical record, posted by Berberis on January 7, 2006, at 22:03:46
> I obtained a copy of my hospital medical record from a 9-day psych admission. I wish I never had. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. It's very troubling to read what all the pdocs and nurses write from observing you.
---I had my wife read my records from a 30 day hospital stay where I had a terrible relationship with my pdoc and case manager. I told my wife don't tell me anything - it's over and I don't want to know, but every once in a while she lets slip how angry she is about them. This is different from a good therapist records (I hope)
James K
Posted by vwoolf on January 8, 2006, at 6:08:51
In reply to Re: Hospital medical record » Berberis, posted by James K on January 8, 2006, at 2:01:54
I am battling to get hold of my hospital records from 30 years ago. I was hospitalized three times, for a few months each time, in psychiatric wards or hospitals, but I have never known my diagnosis or why I was sent there. I have very little memory of that time at all, except that I was depressed and was given ECT. Possibly the memory loss was due to the ECT. I have always believed that there was nothing really wrong with me, and that I should never have been treated for mental illness, but I am not sure. Three times is a lot for the psychiatrists to have been wrong.
The hospitals tell me that their records going back that far have been destroyed, but recently I discovered that they are kept in the university archives and only authorized persons can access them. My t has agreed to help me get them - on condition that she sees them first and that she will not show them to me if she thinks they will be hurtful. I suppose I have to trust her. It's the only way I will be able to integrate this part of my history.
But I must say it feels a bit like an archaelogical dig.
Posted by Dinah on January 8, 2006, at 13:21:13
In reply to I feel so divided over him, posted by Voce on January 8, 2006, at 1:58:39
I understand.
This is the end of the thread.
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