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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by gardenergirl on March 28, 2006, at 2:37:46
When I was a child, at least twice a year we would wind up going down to our basement to take shelter during a tornado warning. One time, when I was about 10 or so, there was an actual touchdown. We could see the tornado itself, a very evil-looking thing, btw. My father, who likely was hungover, refused to get out of bed to come to the basement with us. I remember feeling horribly frightened, helpless, and also angry with him for not getting up and for worrying us so much. Well, I probably was not as aware of my own anger, but I was definitely aware of my mother's. (The tornado wound up jumping over our town, btw...no damage.)
So now, my father-in-law (FIL) has a serious and degenerative health condition that is apparent to anyone who knows him. He absolutely refuses to acknowledge he has a problem, and he will not see a doctor. He actually has forbidden my mother-in-law (MIL) from discussing it with him or with us, even when it's quite obvious when he's having problems. This is leading them to have terrible fights, and he brings up separation and divorce during these fights.
He also is drinking rather heavily, which has increased in the last few months. This does not help his health problem at all, and obviously is not a very adaptive coping skill. And he was quite drunk when we arrived for a visit this past weekend. After the visit, they apparently had another big fight.
I find myself feeling quite angry at my FIL and identifying with my MIL. I realized I wasn't having much empathy for FIL, who probably is terrified at the implications of a diagnosis for what's going on with him. At the same time, I also feel quite helpless about his refusal to face what seems like obvious reality to the rest of us. And his getting to set all the "rules" about it infuriates me.
My MIL talked about her depression (which is not at all unexpected) to me, and I felt I had to share some of what she said with my husband, even though I knew this would be quite upsetting to him. And it just adds to an already very stressful and depressing situation. We are going to see them again in a few weeks, as they are moving and we are helping them. I'm sure we're all nervous about what will be exacerbated or triggered in the next visit.
I'm trying to be supportive to my husband and the family. But I'm also remembering how I felt about my dad growing up. That tornado incident just epitomizes for me the helpless, frustrated, desperate, and angry feelings I'm having. And the alcohol is triggering me because I just have a really hard time being around intoxicated men. It's too much like when my dad was drunk. I even tried to make my folks stop fighting when I was very little, about 3.
I know I'm rambling, but I'm up at 3:30 a.m here, and I'm realizing how many emotions are being stirred up. It's only natural that I would feel emotionally moved by this situation. But now realizing it's all mixed up with my own stuff is making it hard for me to direct my energy towards supporting my husband, too. And it's a critical time in our marriage for me to step and do that right now. Critical.
Damn it. I'm even angry that I have this stuff to be stirred up. And I just don't need this right now. I feel selfish, jumbled, angry, and helpless. I just want to go "knock some sense" into my FIL. Not literally, but I really want to confront him and yell at him. But I'd be yelling at my own dad by proxy.
Sigh
I'll just stop now. I really need to see my T. I have to go out of town all day today. Maybe I can get an appt. for later in the week.
Thanks for reading. This is all just so lousy.
gg
Posted by fallsfall on March 28, 2006, at 7:02:22
In reply to Inlaws' problems triggering my old issues-long, posted by gardenergirl on March 28, 2006, at 2:37:46
(((((GardenerGirl)))))
Your FIL's illness is a horrid situation even if everyone was behaving well. His behavior is understandable, but really not helpful - and very difficult for the rest of you. And to have this triggering such intense stuff for you - well, that is just too much.
I am so impressed that you can lay it out so clearly and understand all the connections. I wish that could make it all better - but it IS a start. You are a loving and caring daughter-in-law. Your husband and FIL/MIL are lucky to have you.
Posted by pegasus on March 28, 2006, at 9:17:29
In reply to Inlaws' problems triggering my old issues-long, posted by gardenergirl on March 28, 2006, at 2:37:46
Very, very difficult. I agree with fallsfall that your family is lucky to have you. And I agree with you that it stinks that something so difficult has to be more difficult because it resonates with earlier bad experiences in your life. It's great that you can see what's going on. I'm sure it'll help you be more supportive to the people who need you. Although I know it is still so painful for you.
I wish you much luck in dealing with this as gracefully as you can. I think it's a good idea to focus on your husband, and what he needs in all of this. If you can stay in tune with him, then the two of you may be able to figure out together how best to help his parents. And that struggle may help your marriage as well.
Not that I know what's going on, really. If I'm totally off the mark, please don't take offense. I'm kind of imagining my own husband and in laws, who share some issues with yours.
peg
Posted by Dinah on March 28, 2006, at 9:28:30
In reply to Inlaws' problems triggering my old issues-long, posted by gardenergirl on March 28, 2006, at 2:37:46
It's never easy dealing with parents' growing old.
I still have major regrets over letting my old issues interfere with my behavior with my inlaws.
It sounds like you're doing all the right things, and please don't underestimate that. You're being supportive of your husband, and a good daughter in law. Just make sure you get support for yourself as well. Vent here, if it helps. And I hope your therapist can see you.
Posted by annierose on March 28, 2006, at 15:50:50
In reply to Inlaws' problems triggering my old issues-long, posted by gardenergirl on March 28, 2006, at 2:37:46
You are such a kind-hearted soul. It is so hard getting old from your FIL's perspective, getting sick and then denying the help your loved ones want to provide. I think we get more stubborn as we age. It's such a difficult situation.
It's good that you are able to think this through. Just labeling these feelings, understanding why they feel so strong, why you feel so helpless, can be helpful.
And now they are moving. YIKES --- that is hard no matter your age.
You are an angel. Continue taking care of yourself, while trying to be helpful to your husband and MIL (I know, I'm asking a lot).
Posted by All Done on March 28, 2006, at 17:16:50
In reply to Inlaws' problems triggering my old issues-long, posted by gardenergirl on March 28, 2006, at 2:37:46
((((gg)))),
I'm sorry your family is going through so much right now and that it's bringing up all these memories for you.
It seems to me, you are doing everything you can to help. Your inlaws must be very special people. Just continue to make yourself and your husband the priorities in your life. I know it's probably hard to feel like you're simply watching what's happening to your inlaws, but to *some* extent, it has to be that way. You can be there to support them and help them think things through, if they ask for help, but they will make their own decisions in the end and, unfortunately, you and your husband might not agree with them everytime. :(
Continue to be there for your husband (are you still going to counseling together?) and maybe now is a good time for you to lean on your T and Babble for the support you need.
(((((gg)))))
Take care,
Laurie
Posted by Racer on March 28, 2006, at 18:30:00
In reply to Inlaws' problems triggering my old issues-long, posted by gardenergirl on March 28, 2006, at 2:37:46
I think you should be exactly yourself, and they'll be lucky to have you.
Oh, wait -- you are and they are.
This situation is so rotten, I'm sorry you're all in it. It's probably a very good thing, though, that you can recognize what your triggers are in it, though, because can you imagine how much worse you'd feel if you didn't see them for what they are? It's got to be especially hard for you right now, too, with losing your grandmother so recently. Pretty lousy timing for you, huh?
Is there anything you can think of that would feel good to you right now? Go in for a massage? Buy a new eyeshadow? (Oh wait -- that's me, isn't it?) Remember -- in order to support your husband, you gotta make sure you're not gonna fall down yourself. That means taking care of yourself, doing nice things for yourself, and being able to recharge yourself. You have a few things I know of that help you do that: therapy, massage, and I think EyeShadow Therapy would be good for you, too... ;-)
Also, what about support groups? Support groups for younger people who are facing this sort of situation? Support groups for those who are trying to support their spouses during this sort of situation? A support group for your MIL, for spouses of sick men who won't see their doctors and make all the rules? You know support groups have helped me. Maybe there's something around that could help you and the GardenerBoy? Someplace where you can say things out loud, knowing others have probably said them, too.
Exes and Ohs, GG.
Posted by Daisym on March 29, 2006, at 2:12:59
In reply to You know what I think you should do? » gardenergirl, posted by Racer on March 28, 2006, at 18:30:00
I have my hand raised, tentatively, in the back of the room. Can I offer something?
Everyone has written what I would normally write. And they are all correct. The situtation stinks to high heaven. I wish you had the power to change it. But you don't.
No matter who does what, right or wrong, no one can change it. And that has to make you mad. And frustrated and terrified about what comes next. We all wish that the sick person would gracefully accept what is coming at them, or try to cope in non-destructive ways. But they usually don't. Why? Because they are angry and they can't change it. So they need to numb the pain, all of it, or at least as much as they can. That includes the pain of those around them.
It has been my experience that sick men sometimes pick fights to prove they can still fight. They are asserting themselves, essentially saying, "though I'm scared to death I will not go quietly into the night."
Support your MIL as much as you can, she is going to need it. I think support groups for spouses can be a blessing. Use humor and encourage her to find the humor too. Love your FIL as much as you can and forgive him as much as you can. And hug him as much as you can.
Your hubby too. I wish I knew the magic answer GG, I really do. Anger is such a big issue. Anger and that feeling of getting screwed. Shielf yourself from the heat of this anger. and vent off steam here.
Hugs to you,
Daisy
Posted by gardenergirl on March 29, 2006, at 15:22:44
In reply to Re: You know what I think you should do?, posted by Daisym on March 29, 2006, at 2:12:59
I wish I had more time to reply individually. But once again, I knew that I could come here and express myself, be heard, and be supported. I thank everyone for that. It always helps.
I feel better now that I've begun to sort out what's now and what's past. And I think I feel good that I am doing this more and more on my own. But eek, what does that mean for therapy? (EEK!)
Thanks for understanding and supporting. I am blessed to know you.
gg
Posted by joslynn on March 30, 2006, at 8:43:46
In reply to Thanks everyone, posted by gardenergirl on March 29, 2006, at 15:22:44
This may be an obvious suggestion that you already do, but do you go to AlAnon? I go and it has helped me deal with my father's alcoholism as well as my boyfriend's family dynamics around holidays.
Posted by gardenergirl on March 31, 2006, at 13:27:36
In reply to Re: Thanks everyone, posted by joslynn on March 30, 2006, at 8:43:46
Hi,
Thanks for the suggestion. Actually, it didn't really occur to me. I don't live in the same state with my father, and I don't really have much, if any exposure to his drinking. It doesn't seem to affect our relationship now, except that he's not at all healthy. But I've given up on trying to get him to follow-up with his docs.I did go to group family therapy when my sibling was in rehab. At the time, I didn't find it all that helpful, although I was a nasty teenaged girl at the time. ;) And the sort of "rituals" and catch-phrases that they used were a bit off-putting. But it certainly wouldn't hurt for me to learn more or remind myself what issues I have that are related to alcohol and so on.
Thanks for the suggestion.
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on March 31, 2006, at 13:32:14
In reply to Thanks everyone, posted by gardenergirl on March 29, 2006, at 15:22:44
You know, it has really helped to sort this out more. I feel much better about my feelings about my FIL. They're not so angry and intense. And I can empathize with him more.
Hmmmm, insight helps. Who knew? :)
Of course, I still wonder what it means for me and continuing therapy that I'm doing this more myself. At what point am I "competent", at least for the moment, enough to stop going to therapy?
And of course, since I'm going to marriage counseling, it seems like if I stopped my own therapy while in the middle of that, I might drift into using that time for my own issues versus "our" issues. That wouldn't be fair.
And why am I worrying about this now????
gg
This is the end of the thread.
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