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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by orchid on March 27, 2006, at 18:45:09
How many of you look back at your lives? And your therapy? What do you feel?
Do you feel ashamed ever of how you were? And do you remember your old therapists? If so, how do you remember them? - With warmth or indifference or disappointment? Do you think they really cared or were just doing their job? What do you feel about your therapy? Did it help you? Do you read your old posts in babble? What do you feel?
(As anyone can see, I am bored and jobless - so this query :-) )
Posted by orchid on March 27, 2006, at 18:47:11
In reply to What do you feel when you look back?, posted by orchid on March 27, 2006, at 18:45:09
How much do any of you know about your therapists? Do you know anything about their real lives? Did it help you in therapy or did it hinder? What about post therapy - do you continue to know your therapist or stopped contact? If you continue to contact, how much do you know about them now? Does it help you to know much about them or you prefer a blank slate?
Posted by Veracity on March 27, 2006, at 21:21:47
In reply to What do you feel when you look back?, posted by orchid on March 27, 2006, at 18:45:09
Lately, I've been doing a lot of looking back over both my life and my therapy. I feel so much regret. The logical part of me compares where I am now to where I was four years ago before I started therapy and I KNOW I'm so much healthier now but I still feel like I wasted all that time. The feeling part of me is just like, "What's the point?"
I feel very ashamed of how I was, both growing up and in therapy. There's so much about myself I hate. I try to do better and in many ways, I do, but it's so hard to let go of the past and forgive myself.
I "remember" my therapist fondly (it's only been a week since termination!) but in a way I wish I could just make her forget all about me. I think I've disappointed her - I didn't try as hard in therapy as I could have. Maybe she doesn't feel that way and I'm transferring (or whatever?), I dunno. Either way, I feel like such a failure! I know that's not logical, it's distorted thinking, blah blah blah - but it is certainly how I feel.
I think my therapist did truly care about my mental well-being, though toward the end of therapy I think she considered me much more of a job. She may have still cared, but I think the burden of dealing with my negative thinking was weighing on her. Termination was the best option.
Therapy did help me but I'm beginning to think it was just a band-aid. This no-doubt has everything to do with my reluctance to really deal with the issues I needed to deal with... but it was a failure nonetheless. And I hate that so much. Because it was the one thing in my life that you're not supposed to fail at. I mean, it's just talking about yourself. There are no wrong answers.
My therapist was the one, sure person who didn't judge me (I hope) and who offered me a really meaningful and healthy perspective on my life and I totally messed it up. I just burned that bridge to the ground. It would seem so easy, that I could just call her up and be all, "Hey, I'm gonna come back to therapy for the zillionth time and I'm sure in another six months I'll just quit again so let's go!" but I refuse to try and fail AGAIN. She would most likely take me back (as always) and be just as patient as nice as ever but even I know when enough is enough.
Ugh, I'm so disgusted with myself. I hate that I do this!
Posted by Veracity on March 27, 2006, at 21:27:09
In reply to And few more » orchid, posted by orchid on March 27, 2006, at 18:47:11
I don't know a lot about my therapist. I know she's married and I know what her husband does for a living. I know what area of psychology she specializes in. I know she has a dog (she told me once). I know what kind of car she drives.
I think knowing very little about her helped. I saw her at the grocery store once and saw what kind of cereal she buys. That was too much information itself - I just don't want to think of her as a person like everyone else. Sometimes the only way I could get to open up with her was to imagine she was a robot or computer that was just programmed to say the right thing after I talked.
Now that I'm post-therapy, I will NOT have any contact with my therapist. I sent her a letter just clarifying some things I didn't have the chance to say in our last session and that was that. I even drive home from my office via a different route because the usual route (the easiest way for me to get home) goes by her office. I just don't want to see her, it would be too difficult.
I definitely prefer the "blank slate" approach.
Posted by B2chica on March 28, 2006, at 8:59:01
In reply to What do you feel when you look back?, posted by orchid on March 27, 2006, at 18:45:09
i've looked back at my life more times these last two years than i ever have. normally i Want to forget growing up. the 'i was never a kid' attitude.
of course i remember old T's. they were key players in heavy issues.
i remember my first T as nice but not a good fit, helpful in that he introduced me to my now pdoc (fantastic), and i remember that when i tried to OD that he dropped me.
my recent ex-T i will remember forever and always. he was the perfect fit. the perfect therapist for me. even if he didn't i felt like he really cared. he was very professional, but didn't keep that wall between us like first T did. he let me a little into his life with little background and experiences in his life. i needed that to connect better. it made me feel more comfortable with him.
yes i read some of my post to him, and some responses. he was always amazed at what good advice i got here. i miss him terribly but am happy for him in his new home.
i'm still not comfortable with new T. partly cuz she's female, partly cuz i feel like i'm just a client/number to her. she goes from one px to the next with really no time in between. and she's pretty strict about her time.
but on her side, she's in the postion of rebound for me from the best T ever. so i know i just need to give our relationship time.bored s@cks but jobless is ok (if that's what you want) enjoy the time.
cares.
b2c.
Posted by orchid on March 28, 2006, at 19:06:25
In reply to Re: And few more, posted by Veracity on March 27, 2006, at 21:27:09
Hi Veracity,
I know you are really not seeking views here, but I just wanted to offer mine anyway. I think you will be better in the long run, if you could call your T and go and work on the issues and stick with therapy, even though it seems diffiucult or impossible now. There doesn't seem to be a real issue which requires abrupt termination here. And I think you are wrong on being a failure. Life is not really a race so that you can judge yourself as success or failure. It is a process and a journey, and sometimes you are fast on the journey and sometimes you are slow. But that is just it - maybe you are being a little slower than you like here, but you will get there eventually.Do you think this makes sense or am I was off base here?
Posted by orchid on March 28, 2006, at 19:08:43
In reply to Re: What do you feel when you look back?, posted by B2chica on March 28, 2006, at 8:59:01
It is funny that you mention this about your female T. That was what I used to feel about my second T too, though somehow in the end I gathered enough that she really did care to do a good job with her clients and in fact she understood me quite a bit and helped put the puzzle in place finally - for which I am forever grateful. But I also feel sometimes, that I didn't really make a personal difference to her, but I am ok with it.
Posted by Veracity on March 29, 2006, at 9:12:27
In reply to Re: And few more » Veracity, posted by orchid on March 28, 2006, at 19:06:25
Thank you, orchid. I think you're right and I think I will call my therapist today. I will let you know what I do. I can't just go on like this - I don't think I'm functioning well at all.
Posted by orchid on March 29, 2006, at 17:34:36
In reply to Re: And few more, posted by Veracity on March 29, 2006, at 9:12:27
I think you have made the right decision and I hope that it works out well for you this time.
(Veracity)
Posted by TherapyGirl on March 29, 2006, at 21:01:59
In reply to Re: And few more » Veracity, posted by orchid on March 29, 2006, at 17:34:36
I second what Orchid says. I think it's a good decision. Please let us know how you're doing.
This is the end of the thread.
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