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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 22 of 22. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on March 30, 2006, at 20:16:01
i know i'll have my family with me, and that's the important thing.
and i know he really doesn't care about me, and this is absolutely stupid.
but i just can't leave my therapist.
he's not even leaving me. i'm leaving him. and i can't do that.
it's my family. but i can't leave my tehrapist.
Posted by rubenstein on March 30, 2006, at 21:10:08
In reply to i can't do it. i can't leave my therapist., posted by Dinah on March 30, 2006, at 20:16:01
I am so sorry, I can tell how much he means to you. All I can offer you is empathy. Take care
Racheli know i'll have my family with me, and that's the important thing.
>
> and i know he really doesn't care about me, and this is absolutely stupid.
>
> but i just can't leave my therapist.
>
> he's not even leaving me. i'm leaving him. and i can't do that.
>
> it's my family. but i can't leave my tehrapist.
Posted by Dinah on March 30, 2006, at 22:30:14
In reply to Re: i can't do it. i can't leave my therapist., posted by rubenstein on March 30, 2006, at 21:10:08
I guess I should wait to find out for sure before I panic (now that i'm medicated) but i'm not going to go. i just have to figure out the best way not to go.
Thanks, Rachel.
Posted by Racer on March 30, 2006, at 23:08:35
In reply to i can't do it. i can't leave my therapist., posted by Dinah on March 30, 2006, at 20:16:01
You don't have to leave him, Dinah. And you can even choose not to leave him if it comes to it. Don't borrow trouble from tomorrow -- it'll get here soon enough.
But I gotta "challenge" you on something: how on earth do you know he doesn't care about you? You say that as though it's an accepted fact, when there's no evidence for it at all. How long have you seen him? I can almost guarantee that he does care about you, and that he'd notice if you weren't there anymore. It's something for the two of you to discuss. But I don't think it's fair of you to say that he doesn't care about you.
Take care of yourself, Dinah. You're worth it, and you deserve it.
Posted by Dinah on March 30, 2006, at 23:14:13
In reply to Re: i can't do it. i can't leave my therapist., posted by Racer on March 30, 2006, at 23:08:35
of course choosing not to leave my therapist means choosing to leave my family (if we have to move, which i admit is borrowing trouble). and i know my family cares about me a lot more than my therapist does, so it doesn't make sense to leave them to stay with my therapist.
but i don't always make sense.
Posted by Dinah on March 31, 2006, at 2:37:15
In reply to Re: i can't do it. i can't leave my therapist. » Racer, posted by Dinah on March 30, 2006, at 23:14:13
formally
becuase the fates might be watching :(
and i probabbly shouldn't post anything about myself for a while
Posted by B2chica on March 31, 2006, at 9:40:27
In reply to of course i need to take back everything i said, posted by Dinah on March 31, 2006, at 2:37:15
oh please don't stop posting. we'll pretend we heard nothing...
what a tough position you are in. i'll be praying for you and what's best for you and your family.
(((((((Dinah))))))))
b2c.
Posted by frida on March 31, 2006, at 9:53:59
In reply to of course i need to take back everything i said, posted by Dinah on March 31, 2006, at 2:37:15
Dear Dinah
I am so sorry for all this -
I understand.
I've seen my T for 5 and a half/6 years. She has saved my life.
I am sorry if this is not what you need to hear and if it doesn't feel healthy but losing a T of so many years is too painful, and I would try to avoid it even if it means changing or taking other decisions. But only if it feels right for you, it is your emotional health we're talking about, it is very important..
it might sound selfish but if i would tell my husband all this - how deeply you're hurting.
I have told my partner of 7 years (I know you can't compare with a husband and family of so many years..but) I would never move even if it meant economical benefits for both of us and our kids. He understood and agreed, he said that no amount of money could make up for having me by his side thinking about wanting to die every time and hurting so much. The rest is not essential.
After you build a long, intimate relationship with your T where you finally feel safe, for some people, I think that it is so life-changing -- that it is really really painful to walk away.
In my own case I feel my T gave me the safety I never had in my whole life. I can't imagine not seeing her ever again or terminating completely. I don't think it is healthy in T for T to terminate completely. I think the door should always be open for the client to come back. Life is short, we all need people, we all need a safe place- why should we try to be soooo strong, and keep it all inside and handle it inside- I am going off topic, but I am convinced that the door should always be left open and that as you've shared before, you don't stop thinking about the people you've loved. You just don't. They stay with you your whole life in some way or another. Once you've made such a powerful, life-changing connection, it will stay with you...I am sorry for not saying the right things, but I feel very strongly about this, and i hurt for your situation, I am sorry you're hurting this badly, I would just tell you to please think about yourself...your own emotional health...what you truly need...
Maybe there is some way to work this out- to see your T, to rebuild trust with your T- to have your family too.
I am sure they love you, they'd want the best for you...I hope you can find some peace and relief and do what is right for you...
i know things haven't been the same with your T either... :-( so that makes it extra difficult...
I wish you could talk about this completely, and from your heart with him and he could be there for you totally. I think the most important thing here is how you truly feel, your own needs, your happiness, your sense of safety in lifeI know i am not making sense, sorry, I just want to send you love and support,
Safe hugs,
Frida
Posted by AuntieMel on March 31, 2006, at 13:55:38
In reply to i can't do it. i can't leave my therapist., posted by Dinah on March 30, 2006, at 20:16:01
I know it would be incredibly hard, but I also know if you absolutely have to do it you will be strong enough.
I just wish you had as much faith in you as I do.
Posted by Dinah on March 31, 2006, at 17:00:52
In reply to Re: sure you can, if you have to » Dinah, posted by AuntieMel on March 31, 2006, at 13:55:38
Part of me thinks I can do it. And even that it's darn stupid to put my therapist so high on my list of priorities.
But the rest of me says I *won't*, no matter what it costs.
I guess I need to stay medicated so that the rational self stays in control.
Posted by Dinah on March 31, 2006, at 17:02:36
In reply to Re: of course i need to take back everything i said » Dinah, posted by frida on March 31, 2006, at 9:53:59
Thanks Frida. It sounds like you understand what I'm experiencing. It was bad enough when he was leaving me, but for me to leave him seems too awful to bear.
I always wondered whether it felt worse to leave or to be left, and now I think it's leaving that's worse.
Posted by Dinah on March 31, 2006, at 17:04:56
In reply to Re: of course i need to take back everything i sai, posted by B2chica on March 31, 2006, at 9:40:27
Thanks. I can use all the prayers I can get.
I'm annoyed with my husband for not even preparing a resume to be ready to look for another job around here. He just says there aren't any. :(
Posted by annierose on March 31, 2006, at 17:40:05
In reply to Re: of course i need to take back everything i sai » B2chica, posted by Dinah on March 31, 2006, at 17:04:56
Dinah -
I know how important therapists are. And I know how especially important your T is to you, and the special place you hold for him in your heart.
I feel your T has a responsibility to help you with all these feelings. Obviously I don't know what he is saying to you, nor you to him. But does he explore this with you? How do imagine it will be if you cannot see him regularly? What do you think will happen if you move?
My T would tell me that I may be reacting to a memory. That I would do much better than I fear. And we would talk about where that feeling might arise from. It would take several sessions, but I would get there with her help.
Sometimes it seems like you are the therapist and you want to protect him.
I do know how much he has helped you. But he needs to help you with this, now.
I hope you do not have to move.
Posted by Dinah on March 31, 2006, at 20:12:46
In reply to Re: of course i need to take back everything i sai » Dinah, posted by annierose on March 31, 2006, at 17:40:05
We've talked about nothing else lately, because I've thought of nothing else lately. I can't really remember what he said. I think he doesn't want to get into a specific strategy until we know more.
He wants me to encourage my husband to look for another job locally, because that's what my son and I want and my husband's avoiding it. And he's trying to keep my anxiety contained until we find out for sure, while validating that I have reason to be upset.
And when I accuse him of not caring if I have to leave, he tells me he does care if I have to stop therapy, in completely neutral nonpersonal words that cause me to keep accusing.
On the positive side, he's regained the stance of a competent professional again. I've got my therapist back.
Posted by Dinah on March 31, 2006, at 20:33:34
In reply to Re: of course i need to take back everything i sai » annierose, posted by Dinah on March 31, 2006, at 20:12:46
I haven't mentioned to my husband that I'm trying to decide if this is worth divorcing. Especially if he hasn't exhausted all possibilities to stay here.
I haven't mentioned that I'm trying to decide if this is worth killing myself over. I joke about it sometimes. I ask if xxx is a fate worse than death. Which is, I guess, my way of saying that I'm struggling with suicidal ideation. Or not struggling with it, depending on where I am at the moment.
Because some of the time, it's not really an issue, and other times it is. And I don't want to distress him. And I hate fights.
I've told him (and my son has told him) that we want to stay here. I don't want to need to tell him more than that. Shouldn't that be enough?
Posted by Dinah on March 31, 2006, at 20:35:47
In reply to Of course (possible trigger), posted by Dinah on March 31, 2006, at 20:33:34
And isn't any more than that a threat?
It seems better to me to just go ahead and figure out what to do myself, and do it, than to tell him what I'm thinking about. Because it's wrong to threaten.
Posted by frida on April 1, 2006, at 0:32:22
In reply to Of course (possible trigger), posted by Dinah on March 31, 2006, at 20:33:34
Dear Dinah,
I don't think it would be a threat, it would be truth, it would be telling your husband how you are truly feeling inside...
We do have some power over the things that happen, even if in the past we didn't --
In a marriage things should be shared, decisions taken together...I wish you could tell him how you're truly feeling about this.
I am so sorry you're hurting so much.
Your T has to help you through this, I hope you can lean on him..I hope he can make you feel safe somehow.
Thinking of you
Frida> I haven't mentioned that I'm trying to decide if this is worth killing myself over. I joke about it sometimes. I ask if xxx is a fate worse than death. Which is, I guess, my way of saying that I'm struggling with suicidal ideation. Or not struggling with it, depending on where I am at the moment.
>
> Because some of the time, it's not really an issue, and other times it is. And I don't want to distress him. And I hate fights.
>
> I've told him (and my son has told him) that we want to stay here. I don't want to need to tell him more than that. Shouldn't that be enough?
Posted by fairywings on April 2, 2006, at 0:08:18
In reply to Of course (possible trigger), posted by Dinah on March 31, 2006, at 20:33:34
>>I've told him (and my son has told him) that we want to stay here. I don't want to need to tell him more than that. Shouldn't that be enough?
Seems to me that should be enough Dinah. I don't think it's a threat to share how you're feeling. For me, when I feel that way, I can't help it, it's not a conscious decision to feel suicidal. It just kind of takes me over.
I agree with you and your son, all possiblities should be exhausted before a move is considered if at all possible. I hope he does look more, and I hope you can share your feelings w.o feeling bad about it.
fw
Posted by annierose on April 2, 2006, at 9:27:05
In reply to Re: of course i need to take back everything i sai » annierose, posted by Dinah on March 31, 2006, at 20:12:46
I'm glad your therapist is back. I know it hurts like heck, but keep talking about it.
Moving is overwhelming. I would not want to consider that myself. But if my husband's job situation changed, whereas he had to move, I would do what I could to make it the best for my family. Remember that your son can pick up from you, your feelings towards moving.
I hope it doesn't come to that. You have endured enough changes this past year. You deserve a break - a BIG ONE!!
I'll be keeping you in my prayers.
Posted by gardenergirl on April 2, 2006, at 9:28:46
In reply to Re: Of course (possible trigger), posted by fairywings on April 2, 2006, at 0:08:18
Dinah,
I've been thinking of you. I hope the rumors are not correct and you get the outcome you wish for.If you are faced with such an awful decision, I do think it's fair for all of you to have all of the information necessary to make the best one. I don't know how you and your husband talk about hard things like this, but I think it's possible to share how strongly you feel without it coming out like a threat. But maybe threats are all he hears? I hope not. But he needs to know how you feel, just as you need to know how he feels.
It's so so hard to make decisions as a family where one or more people have to concede or compromise. Sometimes compromise is not possible. I really value the way my husband and I have been able to deal with this so far. Although that may mean I might be moving a lot further south sometime in the near future to be closer to my inlaws. I tossed that out there as an option, while internally shuddering the whole time.
I'll be thinking of you. I hope you find some good distractions while you wait. If you need me too, I can tell you all the things I do to procrastinate. I'm very good at being distracted, it seems. My latest is birdwatching at the feeder in the backyard.
Take care,
gg
Posted by Dinah on April 2, 2006, at 11:35:50
In reply to Re: Of course (possible trigger), posted by gardenergirl on April 2, 2006, at 9:28:46
I've been absorbing myself in dolls again. Which isn't really good because I should be absorbing myself in work. At least I didn't spend any money. But it managed to calm me down.
We had a huge blowup fight the other night, quite without me mentioning my alternative plans. I merely commented that he didn't seem to be doing anything like preparing his resume, when he had promised both my son and I that he would at least look locally.
After a huge fight where it came out that he had had no intention of doing anything but going where he was sent, even if it was the place we really don't want to go for many reasons. And after he made clear to me that if we stayed he'd hold me personally responsible for any future evacuations or damage from hurricanes. He agreed that he had promised, looked around, and found there were decent jobs in his field locally. He's not hopeful about getting them in this economy but he'll try.
So the compromise is that he'll look around locally if we get sent to the place we really don't want to go, but not if we get sent away to the other two possibilities. One of which is too far away to see my therapist, but has good schools for my son. One of which doesn't have great schools for my son, but I can see my therapist. The third place that we don't want to go has neither of these mitigating factors, which is the main reason we don't want to go there.
I don't know. Now that I know that he'll blame me personally for anything that goes wrong, I almost think it would be better to have let him do whatever he wanted to do, and made my decision based on that. :(
Posted by fallsfall on April 2, 2006, at 12:10:24
In reply to Re: Of course (possible trigger), posted by Dinah on April 2, 2006, at 11:35:50
Just because he wants to blame you for anything that goes wrong doesn't make it reasonable for him do so. Don't give this one up without a fight. You've done well to remind him of the promise that he made that he would look for other work locally. He obviously has some fear of staying where the hurricanes cause such havoc. That is a reasonable fear. But that doesn't translate into "It's all Dinah's fault".
I get the feeling that he says "I want to do X" and you say "I want to do Y". And the two of you say "See, one of us is going to lose because we don't want the same thing". Can you talk about WHY you want Y and he wants X? These aren't black and white decisions. You have reasons, and perhaps by discussing your reasons together you can find some common ground so it isn't Dinah vs. Hubby, it becomes Dinah's family vs. the world. I think you both have valid arguments. Your son's school is important. Being able to see your therapist is important (well... you know my feelings on this). His ability to earn enough money to support the family is important. All of your happiness with the arrangements are important.
By discussing things you have made him aware of something he didn't know (that there are job opportunities close by). Maybe by discussing things he will make you aware of something you don't know??
This is such a strange post for me. I am recommending flexibility. I'm terrible at being flexible.
This is the end of the thread.
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