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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on March 29, 2006, at 17:53:23
After all, it's not as though I do anything...
Today has been pretty intense. Do any of you remember me saying my husband and I needed a new marriage counselor? I lied. Even if we were rapidly circling the drain, at least it wasn't nearly as intense as this new one is. (Yeh, I know, it really is better and I'm glad we made the move. It's just so frightening, and so painful.) Then, on to individual. And my husband's not happy about that, since I saw her already this week, and it's expensive. And I haven't sent in the claims forms for the insurance. More on that later...)
Anyway, tomorrow I go in for minor surgery. It's outpatient surgery, and it's so minor that it probably doesn't seem worth calling it surgery to most people, and my husband keeps telling me there's nothing to worry about, and all the rest. Guess what? To me, it's still a big deal. It's not a Big Huge Deal, nor even a Big Deal, but it's still a big deal. They're going to use general anesthesia, and while there won't be the paralyzing agents that they use for longer surgeries, they'll still have to "assist" my breathing. To me, that's a big deal. (And remember one of my best friends died during surgery last year, too.)
Today in the session with the MC, my husband was saying that he's had to go in late for work every day this week, and it's because of me -- first the doctor's appointment yesterday, then the MC appt today... Well, news flash: he goes in late every day. "Well, have you considered staying late to make it up?" Oh, see, he can't do that because of me. I'm so unreasonable as to request that we NOT eat dinner after 10PM. I wanted to say, "Damn it -- I'm scared, and feel as though you're turning your back on me when I need you." But, of course, kept my mouth shut, because I didn't want to sound so over-demanding. I wanted to ask, "Have you mentioned to your manager that your wife is having surgery, so this week you'll be in late because of that?" Didn't want to look nagging or controlling. Mostly, just didn't say any of it.
And you know what? I asked him to make some Jell-O for me, because that's one of the few things I can eat today.
The surgical center called yesterday, and they just assumed that he would be there with me, waiting. The nurse even said that they really don't want me waiting around for him to come pick me up. But you know what else? I strongly suspect that he's just going to assume that, since it's nothing major, I'll just do everything myself after. He does know that he has to pick me up -- the surgical center won't allow me to take a taxi, even -- and probably figures he won't be able to go back to work after. Wonder if he's figuring on me cooking dinner for us?
But I am feeling very much boxed in. That he's talking about only considering my needs, when from my perspective, he's not considering them at all -- I feel as though I'm stuck, that the only thing I *can* do to make things better is to have fewer, less insistent needs. Which puts me kinda where I tend to live my life: trying to work it all out myself, because there's no place for me to turn.
That theme is even playing out in my math class right now. Lousy teacher, so I'm working out what and how and why on my own -- though Fallsfall helped me with some of it, thank you Falls -- and while there is an element of "you always have to get to understand it on your own," there's still supposed to be some reason for the instructor to be there besides just assigning and collecting homework.
{sigh} That's it. I'm going to go nap on the sofa.
Except that first I have to replace the halogen bulb in the light over our dining room table. Hubby won't, because I'm "so much better at figuring that out" etc. Plus, he's afraid of heights, and I'm "so much braver." No matter that I'm afraid of heights, too. For that matter, here after all these years of complaining that I never let him know how I'm feeling, I finally do make sure to make it clear -- I'm nervous about tomorrow -- it doesn't matter, except that I get told I "shouldn't" be.
Posted by fallsfall on March 29, 2006, at 19:36:41
In reply to Why should I feel overwhelmed? long and negative, posted by Racer on March 29, 2006, at 17:53:23
>>I wanted to say, "Damn it -- I'm scared, and feel as though you're turning your back on me when I need you." But, of course, kept my mouth shut, because I didn't want to sound so over-demanding. I wanted to ask, "Have you mentioned to your manager that your wife is having surgery, so this week you'll be in late because of that?" Didn't want to look nagging or controlling. Mostly, just didn't say any of it.
I'm sorry you don't feel supported. I'll support you. I like helping with your math. Ask away.
You need to tell your husband how you feel. He needs to know. Even if your feelings were to be out of the bounds of normalcy (which I don't think they are, by the way), he STILL needs to know how you are feeling. I know it may take a while to get to that point - where you can admit to how you are really feeling. I hope the marriage counselor can help with that. Or maybe I'm naive... I just figure he can't meet your needs if he doesn't know what they are. If he knows what they are, then he might choose NOT to meet them. But he might choose to meet them. If he doesn't know what they are then I'll guarantee you that he won't meet them.
I will be with you in spirit tomorrow. I hope things go well for you. Give us an update when you are up to it.
(((((Racer)))))
P.S. I really liked your top...
Posted by Poet on March 30, 2006, at 9:44:42
In reply to Why should I feel overwhelmed? long and negative, posted by Racer on March 29, 2006, at 17:53:23
Hi Racer,
You don't seem very unreasonable to me, I don't think anyone's employer would be critical about someone coming in late because his wife is having surgery.
<< Well, have you considered staying late to make it up? Oh, see, he can't do that because of me. I'm so unreasonable as to request that we NOT eat dinner after 10PM.
I don't think it's unreasonable for him to eat something when he gets home if he has to work late and not expect you to have a full hot meal waiting at 10 p.m. In other words, heat up whatever you made earlier. Keep in mind my husband does all the cooking so our situation is different, but this is what works for us. When he works nights, he'll make something early and we both heat it up when we're hungry.
If I could pick you up after your surgery I would. I'd make you jello, too. It might be kind of runny (I really can't cook) but I'd give you a straw.
You'll come through this surgery just fine.
Poet
Posted by pegasus on March 30, 2006, at 9:46:46
In reply to Why should I feel overwhelmed? long and negative, posted by Racer on March 29, 2006, at 17:53:23
Wow, how very difficult for you. I'm glad you and your husband are working on this stuff, although it does sound as though you aren't yet able to say some of the stuff that will eventually need to be worked on with the marriage counselor.
It also sounds like your husband has that classic male disability when it comes to nurturing. Being told that you "shouldn't" feel nervous is not helpful, but I think a lot of men think that it's somehow a comforting thing to say. I don't know if your husband meant it that way, but I can totally see my husband saying something like that, and thinking he's helping. I've learned that what I need to tell him in response is something like: Well, I think it's ok to be nervous, and I wanted to share with you how I was feeling. When you say I "shouldn't" feel that way, it makes me feel both nervous, and then guilty for feeling nervous. I know you are trying to be reassuring. Maybe what would help more is just a hug (or whatever it is -- sometimes I have to tell him exactly what to do or say, such as, "Yeah, I can tell you're nervous and it's ok." Or whatever.)
Geez. It's hard enough just dealing yourself with surgery, but to have to also deal with him being unhelpful about it seems like too much. You should be able to count on some extra help this week, even if he doesn't think your surgery is a big deal. It doesn't really matter what he thinks about it after all. It's not *his* surgery. You have every right to feel however you feel about it, and to ask for extra help. I think feeling nervous, and wanting him to be there with you, and be available to help with extra therapy, and cook dinner that night are all extremely reasonable things to want. If I could, I'd wait for you during your surgery, and drive you home, and cook you dinner.
Let us know how you're doing when you get a chance.
peg
Posted by NikkiT2 on March 30, 2006, at 11:42:10
In reply to Why should I feel overwhelmed? long and negative, posted by Racer on March 29, 2006, at 17:53:23
*hugs you*
the surgery IS a big deal. OK, its not major surgery, but emotionally, its a big deal.
but men *sighs* our men are worryingly alike. When I had elbow surgery two years ago, this one made me get the bus home!!
I wish I could fix him for you.. but I fear its in his genes.
Hmmmph.. this hasn't come out right!
Nikki x
Posted by NikkiT2 on April 1, 2006, at 7:50:10
In reply to Why should I feel overwhelmed? long and negative, posted by Racer on March 29, 2006, at 17:53:23
I've been thinking of you..
N xx
Posted by fallsfall on April 1, 2006, at 12:51:13
In reply to How did it go?? ? Racer, posted by NikkiT2 on April 1, 2006, at 7:50:10
Posted by Racer on April 1, 2006, at 15:10:21
In reply to Re: How did it go?? (nm), posted by fallsfall on April 1, 2006, at 12:51:13
Sorry for taking so long to respond.
It's over, I'm OK. More depressed than I was, but I think that's the anxiety over the surgery masking the growing depression. And it's the depression unmasked that has kept me from reporting in...
The worst of the surgery itself was that the stuff in the IV was painful, and the mask with the gas was so tight it hurt. Then I was out, next I knew I was coming out of it (hearing from the nurses talking what had been done to me), and asking The Ridiculous Post Surgical Question: "You mean it's over?" I'd bet everyone coming out of anesthesia asks some version of that one.
Since then, some minor troubles, but mostly I'm fine. Post op is on Tuesday, so I will learn more then. The two worst things have been a terrible taste in my mouth that didn't want to go away. It's nearly gone now. (Still -- incentive to floss my teeth three or four times a day...) And some other difficulties I'll spare you. But recovery seems faster than expected, there was less bleeding than expected, and less pain. Which is a good thing, because there was a problem with the prescription for pain medication. Which ended up with me not getting ANY pain medication at all. {sigh} I do wish they could get that sort of thing right, you know?
Anyway, thank you all for caring, and for asking. It's nice to know you care about me.
And now back to sofa and cat. Cramping and nausea are actually worse today than they were yesterday...
Posted by NikkiT2 on April 1, 2006, at 17:41:05
In reply to It's over..., posted by Racer on April 1, 2006, at 15:10:21
Nikki presribes hot a hot water bottle and trashy movies
*hugs*
And I do hope you know how much I care.. And how much I am rooting for this to all be succesful..
Nikki xx
This is the end of the thread.
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