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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by happyflower on May 19, 2006, at 21:04:20
I sat in between both of my kids tonight watching a movie, eating strawberry shortcake, and just relaxing. Now this is what life is about and that is what is so great about kids, they seem to love you no matter what, at least at their ages.
Today I participated in a psychology test for extra credit for my class. It was very interesting and fun. I really like my class, it is a small class so we are getting a lot of individual attention. My first test is on Tuesday and I feel like I am prepared for it.
Today I also worked out at the university since my regular club is closed today for cleaning. I really liked it there. It was nice to be annoymous for once so I can think about my life and not worry about anyone interupting me.
I don't know what I should do about my T . This is like the 4th time I quit in 1 1/2 years, so he isn't too worried about me I am sure. But I am feeling really hurt that he couldn't make time for me to help me when I really needed him. I was at an all time low about myself and I needed to talk to him. I needed his support. I was feeling very bad about myself and still am, but a little better now. Maybe my T is giving me time to cool off because I usually come to my senses. I know he wasn't in the office today, so I know he won't call over the weekend either. Maybe he won't call at all, I don't know.
The other times, I "fired" him , but this time I just quit, gave up, on myself mostly. I really could of used some inspiration from him but I guess I need him too much because he can't help me when he is so booked up. It is getting old needing to see him for an appoinment and not being able to get in. I feel I can't count on him anymore. I feel like I am too much for him to handle. I feel pretty rejected too in a lot of ways. I don't know if I can go back, without me feeling totally like an idiot for my behavior. All I needed was him to wrap me in a blanket and give me a cup of hot tea, but instead I got "coldness" and felt put outside. I just don't know if I will ever be able to get over this to continue with him. A lot of my trust that took forever to learn is gone.
Why did this happen when I was ready to really dig deep ? I need his help, but I don't know anymore if that is going to happen.Thanks everyone for all your loving and supporting words. I am so glad I have Babble to help me through these things. I still will probably need all of you in the next few days and weeks. I wil try to offer my support as much as I can, even though I am kinda in my own head lately. Love ya all! :-)
Wilted Happyflower
Posted by fairywings on May 20, 2006, at 21:02:36
In reply to Feeling better tonight, posted by happyflower on May 19, 2006, at 21:04:20
I'm so sorry (((hf))), I know all of the things you're feeling, it feels awful. It's good you've been able to enjoy school, working out, and your kids. I hope he calls. Did you already have another appt. sched., or not? If you did, do you know if he cancelled it? What will you do if he didn't? Don't feel like an idiot if you decide to go back.....he'll understand.
fw
Posted by happyflower on May 21, 2006, at 8:35:04
In reply to Re: Feeling better tonight » happyflower, posted by fairywings on May 20, 2006, at 21:02:36
I have an appointment scheduled for after Labor Day, but my last call to him I cancelled it and said that I have given up on myself.
I don't know if he will call back, he is probably getting tired of me quiting or firing him. He usually does call in these circumstances even if I tell him not to but this time I think he has given up me. It just seems like things are on a spiral downward lately in our relationship.
I don't know if I want to go back. I am kinda embarrest about the whole situation and I tend to avoid this stuff and disapear.
The thing I am really struggling with is that I don't think he cares about me anymore and it seems like he is tired of working with me. I am not an easy client, even though I have made a lot of improvements, but it seems like I have so much more to do and the longer he keeps working with me, the more he is seeing he has more to do with me. It must be frusterateing to him to work with me. I know normally he doesn't see clients as long as he has been with me, 1 1/2 years, and to see I still need work, must be a downer for him.Another thing that I am having trouble with is that I feel like I can't count on him. I NEEDED him, and he couldn't see me, and his phone call didn't even acknowledge the emotional call I made before. I feel like he is so disconnected from me, and he really doesn't care or what to help me feel better or comfort me at all.
So I don't know what I should do. I so much want to ignore him, I want his ego to hurt just a little that I won't call him back or answer the phone when he calls. But I don't like games, and I normally don't play games with people. I don't know why I want him to hurt some, maybe it is because I am completely hurt by him and he goes on like nothing happened. Wow, doesn't that seem like how I used to feel about my mother? Dang it all.
Posted by happyflower on May 21, 2006, at 8:47:39
In reply to Re: Feeling better tonight » fairywings, posted by happyflower on May 21, 2006, at 8:35:04
Is that I have never cried in therapy or even got emotional with him. And for me to reach out to him when I was feeling very bad, and I left him a very tearful message, and then him to act indifferent to it, just hurts like heck.
I reached out when I really needed him and he didn't care enough to offer me any support. And to tell me he can't fit me in for another 2 weeks unless he has a cancellation, just feels like abandement. I guess I can see where I fit into his life, nowhere, I am just a number, an pain in the butt number he wants to discard.
Posted by happyflower on May 21, 2006, at 9:16:50
In reply to another thing, posted by happyflower on May 21, 2006, at 8:47:39
Posted by happyflower on May 21, 2006, at 9:31:24
In reply to sorry if i keep talking in redundant circles (nm), posted by happyflower on May 21, 2006, at 9:16:50
I think I need to go to the gym and work off some of this stress. It is too cold outside to run. So I will lift weights and go like mad on the eliptical machine while I study for my test. Yeah! Okay, I am now talking to myself. Geeze
Posted by happyflower on May 21, 2006, at 12:22:47
In reply to Re: sorry if i keep talking in redundant circles, posted by happyflower on May 21, 2006, at 9:31:24
Whew got rid of some major stress and I didn't have to talk to anyone at the gym. I plan to garden the rest of the day. :-)
Well what is on my mind now is that I don't feel like my T gives me credit for what I believe. He asked what was so special about him and I told him what I thought. Well he dismissed what I felt by saying that their are a lot of people like him. Maybe so , but does that mean what I like about him doesn't mean anything? Is it saying that I don't see good qualities when I see them?
Lately I am seeing my T as being cynical and judgemental of not just me but other things as well. I know nobody is perfect, but this is bothering me about him.He mentioned on how he doesn't look forward to seeing some clients in the public because they feel they need to give him a 3 month progress report of their lives everytime they see him.
NOw I am like, well maybe he doesn't like to see me as well and maybe that is why he doesn't want to talk to me out in the public. He just doesn't like me and I am only a pain in the butt client. So maybe he is glad I have quit therapy and I will be sure not to bother in when I see him because he doesn't really care about me or my life.
Posted by happyflower on May 22, 2006, at 15:40:55
In reply to Okay I am home now, posted by happyflower on May 21, 2006, at 12:22:47
So doesn't this confirm that I am nothing to him? It seems like it to me. I guess I will move on and try to find another T to help me.
Posted by orchid on May 22, 2006, at 16:16:12
In reply to 5 days and he hasn't called :-(, posted by happyflower on May 22, 2006, at 15:40:55
I think perhaps he wants you to own your decision of going to therapy?
Some Ts play it hard and I think now your T is perhaps doing that. Maybe he is waiting for you to call again and let him know your mind?
However, he is being quite very insensitive, and must know that it should be hurting you.. but is being bit of a jerk now. Maybe call him again and find out if he has a opening and go and tell him how exactly that makes you feel?
Sorry you are hurting.
Posted by madeline on May 22, 2006, at 17:47:04
In reply to 5 days and he hasn't called :-(, posted by happyflower on May 22, 2006, at 15:40:55
Yeah, and that's five days that you have been making it without him. Five days that will soon turn into six, and then before you know it, a week will have gone by.
You are starting a new wonderful thing with your classes, you are out in the community. Look what you are doing!
Keep up the good work. We are all right there with you.
If he does call you might just want to tell him to go straight to hell - okay that's harsh, you might want to thank him for getting up with you and that it is good to hear from him. THEN TELL HIM TO GO STRAIGHT TO HELL. Oh darn I did it again.Perhaps if he calls you should let the answering machine pick up and practice NOT telling him to go straight to hell and then calmly return his call AND SEND HIM LETTER TELLING HIM TO GO STRAIGHT TO HELL.
Maybe I'm not the best person to give advice on this topic....
They don't call me MADDIE (as in MAD) for nothing I guess.
Love ya
Posted by happyflower on May 22, 2006, at 17:48:50
In reply to Re: 5 days and he hasn't called :-( » happyflower, posted by orchid on May 22, 2006, at 16:16:12
Thanks Orchid,
I am sure to let him know what I think, but I am not going to pay $90 bucks of my money to tell him. I can do that in a phone message easier.
Happyflower
Posted by happyflower on May 22, 2006, at 17:55:07
In reply to Re: 5 days and he hasn't called :-( » happyflower, posted by madeline on May 22, 2006, at 17:47:04
Oh, Maddie, you have a way of making me laugh so hard. LOL
How about if I see him at the gym and then I can tell him to go to hell directly to his face. I wonder if he would turn red, he should that big arrogant JERK!Or maybe I should wait until the race in less than 2 weeks and tell him then, maybe his wifey will be there! LOL
I don't plan on answering his calls anyways. Yeah I am stuborn! LOL Maybe I don't need him after all if all he does is cause me grief. Why did he have to look so hot in those shorts? AAAUUUGGGHHHH!
Posted by happyflower on May 22, 2006, at 17:57:51
In reply to Re: 5 days and he hasn't called :-( » madeline, posted by happyflower on May 22, 2006, at 17:55:07
I found his university email address, maybe I could give it to everyone at babble, and you can all blast him! LOL He is going to wonder who the heck is Happyflower? LOL
Posted by susan47 on May 23, 2006, at 22:50:22
In reply to OR........................, posted by happyflower on May 22, 2006, at 17:57:51
Sorry, HF, but you are making too much of this, and you're making it into what it isn't ... honestly, he is just trying to wean you very quickly before you become a problem. You've given him enough warning signs and he definitely knows you are dangerously attached and he allowed it and he didn't see it in time and now it's almost, like, toooooo late to drop it and THIS THIS THIS is where the freaking foolish thing breaks down, because a therapist OUGHT TO KNOW THIS SH*T AND KNOW ENOUGH TO TAKE THE RESPONSIBILITY FOR IT HONESTLY BECAUSE THIS IS THEIR JOB GOD DAMN IT!!!!!! So when it is recognized for what it is, folks, and don't take this lightly, should you be reading it, anybody ... when you KNOW it is too late, DO THE RIGHT THING and have an HONEST look at yourselves, and if you can't do that then search until you find the person or the people who will be honest enough with you to let you know, to help you grow, and see ....
I'm burning out.
I'm dying here.
My flame is dying.
But my soul will live foreverI was so mixed up, Happyflower. I was so strewn .. strewn about, like the wildflowers saved from last summer, thick, now, with golden dust ....
Hey. Happyflower. I hope your therapist isn't full of professional pride. I hope he has room in his repertoire, for personal growth, for expansion of the soul that is so necessary before real therapy ever ever EVER takes place.
God, HF, I wish you peace. I wish you the peace I never had, until I latched onto the telephone .. I nursed myself with the telephone ...
Posted by susan47 on May 23, 2006, at 22:57:44
In reply to Re: 5 days and he hasn't called :-( » madeline, posted by happyflower on May 22, 2006, at 17:55:07
You know he might be more worried about you, or more concerned about you, or care more, than you might be giving him credit for. I don't think all people are as cold as some therapists I've read on this forum, or some I've heard exist, and definitely I don't believe they're all like our first men, our fathers or our brothers or our uncles or .. whatever. We have to take that face off of them, we have to peel that layer but when they walk away before that's been done .. well, it either breaks us or makes us stronger. HF, no matter what happens, you can be stronger.
Posted by happyflower on May 24, 2006, at 2:41:34
In reply to Re: OR........................, posted by susan47 on May 23, 2006, at 22:50:22
Thanks Susan for your touching post, it has given me so much to think about. But I do feel sad that it seems to be reminding you of what has happened to you. I hope you are okay.((((susan))))
Happyflower
Posted by susan47 on May 24, 2006, at 9:16:19
In reply to Re: OR........................ » susan47, posted by happyflower on May 24, 2006, at 2:41:34
Right now I'm fine, yes. I feel okay. Thanks very much for caring, HF. I know how hard this is. Truly.
This is the end of the thread.
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