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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Karolina on July 12, 2006, at 22:06:53
I hate having to realize the fact that my T sees other girls just like me and the possibility that he could feel a strong connection, deep care for them, etc. I know that sounds irrational, considering this is his job, but I just wonder has he said the same things to them as he has said to me?
Thinking about the whole relationship right now just makes me feel angry. He mentioned awhile back about how he was very fond of one particular girl and that she thought of him as a friend and all this stuff and it just made me feel sick. I don't want to hear about his other therapeutic relationships. Am I being unrealstic and selfish for being upset about him caring about other female clients? I don't know why this bothers me so much.
On a different subject, I am feeling so much hurt and pain right now but it feels almost impossible to express these emotions outwardly. I wish I could just cry and let it all out, I wish someone would offer me physical comfort like a simple hand on the shoulder, or even more so, a hug. I wish that *he* would give me a hug...he has before and it was very intense.
Is there a way to bring up this desire without sounding like a desperate moron? I don't know why I wish so badly that he'd offer some sort of physical comfort again, but I want it so badly. I don't even mean anything sexual. Just something caring or comforting. I am miserable right now.
-Karolina-
Posted by Jost on July 12, 2006, at 22:39:07
In reply to so jealous..., posted by Karolina on July 12, 2006, at 22:06:53
There are times when inevitably you might wonder about how much your T cares about other people--whether other patients or family. It can be hard, if you wonder, how much he cares, and whether it's "real."
I've been in and out of that emotion with some therapists--- and the only place I come out is that you can't compare caring, and caring for one person doesn't diminish caring for another.
This caring exists on a kind of existential plane-- it's as deep and meaningful as you can make it. There's a kind of freedom, and potential for nurturing you as a person that isn't bounded even if the relationship, and the way the relationship is acted out, is bounded and constrained. it takes time for that to develop, though.
If that sounds overly logical, and unemotional-- it isn't to me.
At this moment, you feel a need for reassurance that he cares.
There's nothing wrong with that-- and I hope you find what you need. Maybe it will or won't be physical. But there can be ways other than physical expression (as great as that could be if he's comfortable with it--but this differs among Ts). If you talk about what would connect you to his caring, maybe together you can create it, whether in tone of voice, a hug or things he can say.
He's come through for you before.
Jost
Posted by annierose on July 13, 2006, at 7:42:33
In reply to so jealous..., posted by Karolina on July 12, 2006, at 22:06:53
I would find difficult to hear my T express great warmth and caring about another client as well. Not that I don't think she has those feelings, I hope she does (because that is what makes her a wonderful therapist) BUT ... she needs to keep my sessions, my time with her about ME.
The best way IMO to work with these feelings and they are intense, I know, is to work with them with your therapist. Tell him how you felt.
I can't remember if you have felt your T has ever crossed some boundaries with you, --- does he look at you inappropriately? I'm sorry, I don't remember. But all of this is good to talk about. From my experience, the hardest stuff is the most fulfilling topics to discuss.
Posted by caraher on July 13, 2006, at 11:39:49
In reply to so jealous..., posted by Karolina on July 12, 2006, at 22:06:53
> He mentioned awhile back about how he was very fond of one particular girl and that she thought of him as a friend and all this stuff and it just made me feel sick. I don't want to hear about his other therapeutic relationships. Am I being unrealstic and selfish for being upset about him caring about other female clients? I don't know why this bothers me so much.
I agree with what annierose said. And I think it probably isn't appropriate for him to talk about his special fondness for another client (male or female). It's one thing to acknowledge that he cares for his other clients and says many of the same kind things to them that he does to you, but quite another to talk about feelings for particular clients, especially in a way that implicitly elevates them above his other clients (and, in particular, over the client to whom he tells this!). You're quite right not to want to hear about his other therapeutic relationships. And whether the T is male or female, I'd feel upset to hear that one or more other clients are friends or otherwise special when it isn't clear whether or not I belonged to that group.
So no, you are neither unrealistic nor selfish to feel the way you do. I think your T has given you too much information about other clients and should know better than to do that.
> Is there a way to bring up this desire without sounding like a desperate moron? I don't know why I wish so badly that he'd offer some sort of physical comfort again, but I want it so badly. I don't even mean anything sexual. Just something caring or comforting. I am miserable right now.
You said he'd hugged you before. Perhaps you could simply ask? I don't think you sound like a desperate moron. It's perfectly natural to need loving (not to say sexual!) physical contact.
Posted by Karolina on July 13, 2006, at 23:24:09
In reply to so jealous..., posted by Karolina on July 12, 2006, at 22:06:53
Thanks you guys for your responses, I was feeling pretty angry/upset about all this.
Jost - Your words felt reassuring and you're right, talking out all of this with him (being really honest about how I feel)will be a good idea. Hopefully he will respond in a caring way, even if it isn't physical but at least in a way to make me feel better during the harder times.
annierose - I thought about what you said about your T. That's a really good way to look at it, that we hope our Ts care about their other clients because that is what makes them good therapists, but that they keep information about their other clients (or personal feelings towards them) out of *our* appointments.
He also has shared other information about clients, like told me about particular or severe issues they've had saying that I 'don't even compare' to them...it made me feel really awkward when he said that. And there are times when I think he has over-stepped some boundaries, even when he stares or looks at my body a certain way.
It's really strange but sometimes I almost wonder if he has become aroused, I notice particularly when we talk about sexual things, but his body language becomes different...like he will shift around in his chair and cross one leg so tightly over the other that it looks like he is trying to hide something, sits up straighter, strokes his chin or puts his hand over his mouth, like he is really focusing on me (like studying me) and narrows his eyes, staring straight at me... It's kind of hard to explain in words, but it's pretty weird.
caraher - that's a good idea to maybe simply ask for a (non-sexual) hug if the time feels right. I guess I just fear rejection in that situation. But thanks for reassuring me that I'm not a desperate moron! I really think I am looking for some kind of love/affection right now and you're right it's perfectly natural to want that from somebody, especially when we are in distress about something.
thanks everyone
-Karolina-
Posted by ElaineM on July 14, 2006, at 23:35:59
In reply to Re: so jealous..., posted by Karolina on July 13, 2006, at 23:24:09
Karolina, Sorry I'm late to your thread - I've been out of it lately. I just had a massive message for you and ended up erasing it. I'm finding it hard to write to you, even though I want to. I worry when I post to you that I infuse too much of my own situation -- I get confused about whether I'm writing about you, or actually myself (maybe both?)....okay, now I'm sounding crazy.
I also don't want to say something, or ask you something that you may find embarassing. [I would've bmailed you, but yours isn't turned on] So that's why I ended up deleting my original message. I care about your situation -- I just don't trust my own perspective. I think you deserve to have your T's intentions clarified. It's no wonder you're feeling so upset, with all the mixed signals you've mentioned before. Let us know if you talk to him about all this, or if you bring up the idea of another hug.
Thinking of you.
hugs, EL
Posted by Karolina on July 15, 2006, at 12:13:57
In reply to Re: so jealous..., posted by ElaineM on July 14, 2006, at 23:35:59
Hi El,
Thanks for your response. I'm sorry my b-mail isn't on, I have no idea how to turn it on but I've been wondering about how to use it. I'm so sorry you had to delete your original message, but maybe if I figure out how to use the b-mail then I'd love for you to write me, and please do not worry about anything embarassing me! I always appreciate your responses so much and it doesn't sound crazy when you say it feels like you are writing to yourself because I think in a lot of ways our situations are really similar. Thanks for your post and I will try to figure out how to turn my b-mail on as soon as I can.
Take care,
-Karolina-
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