![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 28 to 52 of 66. Go back in thread:
Posted by kerria on November 12, 2006, at 15:51:08
In reply to Re: Well, I'm not rejecting you Kerria, » kerria, posted by ClearSkies on November 11, 2006, at 23:28:56
Thank you ClearSkies. i'm sorry that you had to go through such an upsetting thing happen there.
Thank you for the advice. It doesn't feel like i'm going to get through it. It is like a lifeline and it's hard when you're as messed up and switching as much as i am not to let support groups hurt identity.
It's scary to have happen. i'm afraid to wake up tomorrow and be afraid to go there. i don't know what to do.Thanks so much for writing Clearskies, it helps so much.
Take care,
kerria
Posted by Phillipa on November 12, 2006, at 18:16:04
In reply to Re: Well, I'm not rejecting you Kerria, » ClearSkies, posted by kerria on November 12, 2006, at 15:51:08
Kerria who has to go there? Can you tell that part no? Love Phillipa
Posted by kerria on November 12, 2006, at 21:02:16
In reply to Re: Well, I'm not rejecting you Kerria, » kerria, posted by Phillipa on November 12, 2006, at 18:16:04
> Kerria who has to go there? Can you tell that part no? Love Phillipa
Hi Phillipa,
It's an online support group that we've been going to for a long time- intermittently because sometimes i end up doing so badly that they throw me out- once it was for something someone else said who wanted to get me thrown out. The administration thought i was s. and banned me for a while- i wasn't. People can say anything in a thread- the thread last week had about ninety posts- only a few were mine- mostly they posted one person after another- then others joined in that i never even heard of before saying mean things.
i'm so hurt- i wish someone would help staighten out the unfair thingssss- the wrong things - the mean things so i can go back.
i think most don't want me back. tears.
the girl who is new who said the worst things to me - the sarcastic things just to hurt me said that she would never take back what she said- i feel so hurt by her. i wonder why she's so mean to me- she doesn't even know me. i was the first person who welcomed her to the site and i never had any disagreement with her or anyone else there ever.
There's not a place at a support group for hurting people- we're already hurt- that's why we go.
She's different- and the others are saying that's good. 'be yourself' (even if it hurts me- i don't matter to them) tears .so many things are going wrong in my life now- i need support from somewhere- i'm leaving T- not a very supportive T but the only one who talks to my parts- who knows me. i feel so terrible. the pain is so bad that i couldn't manage to go to church- or anywhere- it's so triggering- i feel so sad and hurt like i was just a.
There's no one to understandPhillipa, i never had a time when things were so dark- so many bad things at the same time.
not a lot of persons know what it's like to have to live with separate parts. it's hard not going there. then no one understands anywhere. Even T doesn't understand like a person with parts does.
it makes it easier to take living with all the misunderstanding and the mess.
Now the support group is the mess too. we have no where.
i feelso left out. so much will change with every day. i'm so depressed about so many things.
Phillipa,
you're a friend to everyone. thank you for caring to talk to me. sorry i'm so depressed.
i hope that things are ok with you.
Thanks so much for listening,
kerria
Posted by Phillipa on November 12, 2006, at 21:24:10
In reply to Re: Well, I'm not rejecting you Kerria, » kerria, posted by Phillipa on November 12, 2006, at 18:16:04
Well I can't say I'm in your shoes but I know a bit about DID and the pain that it causes. Maybe if all the parts went back since the Kerria likes this support group other parts could begin to heal. And the therapist is probably confused if you change parts when you're there. I know money is a factor so you need the online support groups. Have you googled a DID one or is this the only one. I'm here for you and I'm not mean and would never be mean to Kerria or one of her parts. Love Phillipa let me know how it goes.
Posted by kerria on November 12, 2006, at 23:00:48
In reply to Re: Well, I'm not rejecting you Kerria, » Phillipa, posted by Phillipa on November 12, 2006, at 21:24:10
Tonight i went back and read what people there wrote to me. It was evident that they didn't care that i was so hurt- i wrote to say how devastated i was- that i wasn't able to go to work because i was so upset- no one cared at all.
It was never talked about- the fact that people hurt me- they went on how it was transference , etc but no one thought about me and how i ended up afterwards.
:( no one even mentioned me in a caring way - just in a critcal way, defending what they said, saying that they wouldn't take it back, that it was justified because of the way they thought i was.
i shouldn't go back because they don't want me there.i have about three friends - but everyone else doesn't care what happpens to me. i feel so hurt because i knew some for six years or more and care about them and what happens to them. It wwould hurt me too much when they do it again:( i need to give it up, my source of support. maybe i can just write in the member to member section. it's so saad- because in the other forum people write about DID and that's the only place i can ever share about most things.
i hate having the struggles and misunderstandings. People twisted my words- i never meant what they wrote that i said. It was a totally different meaning. i was so misunderstood. it's killing me- reading how much misunderstanding that's there hurts and frustrates me so much. i can never be understood there . i wish the persons who misundersstood would care and would try to see what i really meant. It's clear if they didn't make the presumptions that were made. everyone presumed the worst possible thing about me.:(
Now that's what they left thinking about me- after knowing them for six years. i feel like dying:(i can never correct the misunderstanding in that long thread ever. It's not allowed to talk about.
If only people cared enough to listen to what i said beyond the words. So many places i didn't mean what they said that i meant. Someone even thought that i wished my pain on them- i was just trying to say that there's a part that is strong- that i'm not all weak and helpless all the time. She misunderstood so much. i said "If anyone had the pain i have for twenty minutes they wouldn't think that i was always so helpless/ never growing, etc and she took it to mean that i wished someone else had pain. It was unbelievable how much i was misunderstood. i would never say anything or think anything like that ever.
Why did this happen to me?tears i can't accept what happened. tears. i feel so bad i want everything to stop.
It was a disaster and such a terrible loss for me. it feels like i can never recover. tears.
i'm crying all night here- i hate my life. i have to see this new T tomorrow. i'm a wreck- i don't want to go- i'm losing my T- he's probably found out and is upset i didn't tell him.my heart is so broken that i'm not there for my kids the way they need me- i'm always such a mess- so apart. They deserve the best mom- not someone like me. Especially now- having a terribly difficult time- need support too. so much is wrong.
thank you Philippa for listening.
i wish there was a way to change everything that is wrong,
take care,
kerria
Posted by Phillipa on November 13, 2006, at 18:01:23
In reply to Re: Well, I'm not rejecting you Kerria, » Phillipa, posted by Phillipa on November 12, 2006, at 21:24:10
Do they have something like babblemail there? If so maybe you could explain to people separately in different mail. I know it would take a long time. But if six are important maybe them? Do you ever exchange e-mails? That could be a way to stay in touch with your friends. I'm sure you're a wonderful caring Mom to your kids too. Love Phillipa
Posted by kerria on November 13, 2006, at 18:51:15
In reply to Re: Well, I'm not rejecting you Kerria, » Phillipa, posted by Phillipa on November 13, 2006, at 18:01:23
Thank you Phillipa.
No there is not sharing of emails or anything like babble mail there.
i'm not blocked from going there - but i'm afraid to go there because no one is sorry that they said the mean things and anyone can write to me. i was posting when a friend- thank God that i have some friends there - only a small few of the people i thought were my friends. The rest are so against me:(
it hurts still - i'm a mess still. i was writing in the Member to Member - a friend wrote to me there and some friends wrote so i could communicate with them but the moderstor closed the thread:( saying that we shouldn't talk about the thread- we weren't anymore- but she closed the thread anyways. i can't understand why- we were not discussing the thread where i was attacked. my friend changed the subject even saying we wouldn't talk about it. She still closed the thread.
i'm, too afraid- there's so much pain there- so much negativity towards me - why? i never was negative to anyone.
tears.
Why is everything so hard for me?
tears,
someone talked to me- sent babblemail here to me and i thought that the Member to Member thread wasn't closed- that the moderstor just warned us just in case anyone brought it up again- i don't know why it would be off limits to me to discuss it- i wasn't the one who said anything wrong- i only defended myself, reminding how i was always supportive of everyone there. and why are they doing this to me?Phillipa, i saw the new T today- i was so so late- i was upset because of the babblemail i got and took time answering it- over 30 min late of an hour and a half appt.
New T was ok- it felt so bad and impersonal to sign all the stupid papers you have to sign- my life is all apart and i have papers about all the rules and regulations of therapy.
i'm in so much need for a T to help me:(
i wish i wasn't late but it doesn't help to wish or do anything - i get lost- whatever will happen anyways- i wish i were someone elsewith a capacity to do therapy.tears
kerria
Posted by Phillipa on November 13, 2006, at 20:24:24
In reply to Re: Well, I'm not rejecting you Kerria, » Phillipa, posted by kerria on November 13, 2006, at 18:51:15
Kerria I'm glad you like the new T that's good. So you were late. The first time many get lost even with good directions. So no way you can e-mail each other. Where is this site. I'd like to just look . Love Phillipa your and your parts friend.
Posted by kerria on November 13, 2006, at 21:56:05
In reply to Re: Well, I'm not rejecting you Kerria, » Phillipa, posted by kerria on November 13, 2006, at 18:51:15
i didn't even say who the person was that talked to me- but just because i said to you that i talked to someone - that person is upset and told me never to write to them again and that they want out of it. Out of being a friend to me? out of what?
why? Why is everyone treating me as if i'm not a friend?
i never mentioned any names- they even did-i forgave them- i didn't even think any bad thing at all about anyone at all. i need friends who won't reject me. Rejection is so hard - i can't take all the rejection.tears.
ever the T today was so business-like it felt like rejection.
teras. i don't know why anyone would read something i wrote to you Phillipa anyways and i never mentioned any names. Why? Is this happening to me?
i can't say anything .tears,
kerria
Posted by Dr. Bob on November 13, 2006, at 23:38:57
In reply to Re: rs- i didn't bash anyone - i was bashed. » kerria, posted by rs on November 11, 2006, at 23:10:43
> Kerria and everyone here I will not post again and if I came across wrong I am sorry.
Thanks for apologizing, and you're welcome to post again if you'd like.
Bob
Posted by Dr. Bob on November 13, 2006, at 23:39:01
In reply to Re: Kerria » Fallsfall, posted by kerria on November 12, 2006, at 15:39:37
> i hate when i switch to some parts - especially that part- i don't realize that it happened untill later and i can't remember of control what i'm doing when i'm in that part.
>
> i already hate that i have this disorder. It's killed all my relationships.
>
> i know that my parts are polorized- i hate being them already. i can't stand to live with myself- i can't hear any more criticism for any reason- i already hear too much inside.
>
> i'm so so so tired of having everything be a such a nightmare and a terrible struggle.I'm sorry it's rough for you right now. It sounds like you feel hurt and unloved. Expressing that with I-statements like the above is fine.
> the person that realized the transference could care less- she doesn't care that she hurt me ... She didn't like me i guess
>
> No one cares about me - they think i deserved it
>
> all these people that attacked meBut please be sensitive to the feelings of others (such as those who use other sites). You-statements like the above can be problematic.
But please don't take this personally, this doesn't mean I don't like you or think you're a bad person.
If you or others have questions about this or about posting policies in general, or are interested in alternative ways of expressing yourself, please first see the FAQ:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#civil
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#enforceFollow-ups regarding these issues should be redirected to Psycho-Babble Administration. They, as well as replies to the above posts, should of course themselves be civil.
Thanks,
Bob
Posted by cassie17 on November 14, 2006, at 13:43:16
In reply to Re: my friends jumped me :( » kerria, posted by Phillipa on November 7, 2006, at 11:52:19
Kerria, I think what you are not considering is that most people on that thread were only objecting to the way you'd deny saying specific things, like in several posts, you'd write things that were all in the vein of "Noone has every had this happen to them, nobody has ever had such horrible things happen" and when people brought up those phrases in your posts, you'd write back that you'd never said those things and why were they telling lies about you? So when people quoted your old posts for these times, you took it as a personal attack, instead of just admitting that you'd written that and going on from there.
I just wouldn't want people to get the wrong idea of that other forum. Several of the people who posted were out of line and angry for reasons that had to do with themselves, but your posts regularly got 80 or 90 responses each, and the bulk of those people (10 -20 people) were NOT attacking you, were trying to encourage you to get away from (what you'd described as) an abusive T, to get away from (what you'd described as) an abusive husband. MANY of the responses were positive, and it felt like you only chose to see and respond to the negatives.
You asked what you could do? There were wonderful questions that a forum member took a bunch of time to write out to you, very thoughtful questions (from Zippy) and I think that's the kind of positive stuff that forum members hoped you would be able to work with.
(I just didn't feel it was completely fair to say that so many people jumped you, we didn't. Several people were WRONG and ABUSIVE, and I don't think they should have closed your M+M thread, I REALLY don't agree with that, and I don't agree with the way the mods treated your posts. and alot of the Mods decisions with your posts led me to look for other forums too. Have you checked out Pandora's Aquarium? It is a very positive healing place.)
I hope you can find peace with all of the emotions coming up for you,
Cassie, (known as meg9)
Posted by kerria on November 14, 2006, at 17:07:50
In reply to Re: my friends jumped me :(, posted by cassie17 on November 14, 2006, at 13:43:16
Hi,
i don't know if i know you or not- it's confusing when people change their name for different forums. it's a good ides i think and i should have done that also - if i did i wouldn't have been so noticed - it hasn't been helpful to me - i feel worse every day.
It is so scary to read my words- the fact that anyone brings up old posts at an upsetting time is a nightmare to me- not like a nightmare - worse than a nightmare- because it's so upsetting. it's upsetting having parts and realizing that you are separate.
Even when Dr Bob brought up my recent posts it was so upsetting for me to read- i cried for hours and wasn't ab't to function well enough to do the things i planned- i was so afraid on a strrt corner away- far away from m,y home- i lost time and found myself unable to cope at all with where i was and paniccked.
It's been such an upsetting day.
i think i'm not doing well enough to write at forums- i need support but things like reading my own writing is so upsetting for me. i still have such a hard time knowing that i have parts.
Reading something that's different from what you write like is upsetting, isn't it?
i never remember saying or thinking that no one has had things like this happen to them- some people have- i don't know why it's such a big deal and others dislike that about me- i can tell them worse things about myself than that.
Honestly i don't ever compare myself with anyone - i really don't. i don't even compare myself with myself.
i know and have compassion on everyone that is having such a hard time- i write to people a lot when i 'm doing a little better to only encourage and give hugs if ok- i must have given a thousand hugs- i meant from my heart because i know how terrible it is to feel alone in your suffering and how it is to have no friends . Some people have no other support than forums- no T or way to have therapy- it's really hard for everyone.
i think that- i don't say it often enough i guess but i don't remmeber anyone else saying things like that either- and no one criticizes them. i am totally confused at why people think that i feel that i have things worse than everyone else.
i know that that isn't true- i don't ever compare- like i said- it's useless to compare- i have compassion- and i have so much more compassion on others than they have on me ifff you could see into my heart. That's why i never say anything negative to anyone, it's because i know they're having a hard time- and i don't want to make it worse.
i want to be there for people that have no one that understands what their going through.i honestly do.
It's been a terrible day- i'm not doing well- if something come out bad- please disregard- i'm having a hard time with everything- with going on another day. i feel rejected and don't know what to do about how i can't control what i'm doing- can't get to anywhere on time. Overwhelmed with the failure that i am as a mother and a wife- my d. said she hated me today and i hate myself so much and the other parts feel scared and hurt.and i miss the support group and still don't know why there was so much negativity- please read it again- i did. It was even more negative than i thought before.
Have you ever heard things that were so negative ever said to anyone at that forum before?
i haven't,
and i have never read anything here against someone- no one is allowed to sigle someone out and say things like "You never take any advice" etc . i do take almost all the advice.i still can't journal- i 'm terrified to read my writing- but i did everything else- i saw a new T yesterrtday. The appt and all the calling was made for months before- people still are angry because i ''didn't do it' and i did!
It's so confusing- it's so much misunderstanding. i think that a lot of people need a villian- and they wanted to make someone take the heat from all the things anyone had done wrong so they picked me. i don't know why- maybe people hate my parts as much as i do sometimes- i'm trying to see something worth going on for.
TEARS,
kerria-- i want to change my name- i want to be like everyone else. or i want to be nobody. i never want to come again. the criticism is to terrible. i hate myself . i already hate my writinplease don't put it in my face- please- it's torture to me and makes me feel s.i'll try not to write about others and just say 'i
i do feel unloved- not only- i feel hated.i do feel rejected- i reject myself also and am afraid to live with myself.
i feel that i messed up my life and my family. i wish i never lived.
is that better?
i know everyone struggles with feeling like that- and some can't see or walk- have even worse pain than mine. It dodn't make me feel any better- i can understand and be there for them - hopefully someone can make it- we can make it together.
tears,
kerria
Posted by kerria on November 15, 2006, at 17:26:42
In reply to Re: my friends jumped me :(, posted by cassie17 on November 14, 2006, at 13:43:16
Cassie/meg
Now that i explained how upsetting it is to see my own writing does it help you understand why i wasn't able to ackowledge old posts, -i don't remember at all anything about that.Does it help now?
You agree that SEVERAL people were wrong and abusive to me. Why did no one address that? Is it ok with you?
Why is it ok that they abused me?
Would it be ok if they abused you?
i wouldn't go along with it or be a part of it against anyone.
i am still so hurt that it was ok with people and it was never address to me- in fact you are the only person that every told me that there were posts that were abusive.i feel that some think i deserved it- it hurts a lot- because it's so hard to look at my own writing. i've been through so much rejection already.
i wish i could totally forget except i know that it can happen again when i do that. i'm in a bad place - no one should feel like this . having a very hard time. i wish someone could help me.
i feel so upset- i'm taking diazapam but i'm still so upset . There's so much internal criticism and external criticism in my life- it makes it so hard to do anything.Why doesn't one person say they feel bad for me?
Not that i care so much about sympathy- i don't even know you or anyone irl- but the fact that two people came here to say how bad that they feel for 'everyone' - including the ones who were abusive to me- when they are going to be fine- they are all ok- there's no internal or outside mess- my life is a nightmare- literally because it has upset me so much and not one person cares about the lasting effect on me. i'm not ok- i'm not going to be ok.tears,
kerria
Posted by kerria on November 15, 2006, at 17:55:21
In reply to Re: my friends jumped me :(, posted by kerria on November 15, 2006, at 17:26:42
A pesonal attack - like the way i was pesonally attacked - is so different than saying 'everyone attacked someone.'
i didn't even say that everyone did - some people didn't. i didn't personally attack anyone woth my words. It hurt because people directed their attack to "kerria" and the way that i am.
:(
i lost so much bc i love the forum too:(
Posted by cassie17 on November 15, 2006, at 20:56:57
In reply to Re: my friends jumped me :(, posted by kerria on November 15, 2006, at 17:26:42
Yes, Kerria, it does help to hear that you find reading your words back to be very painful.
No, it's not okay that some people wrote rude and hurtful things to you, especially one person who would just write those mean one liners.BUT, there was a lot more to those threads than the couple of mean people, and I guess many of us hoped that you could read the our posts and take the constructive criticism and advice and see if any of it was helpful to you.
I'm just not sure what is helpful when someone writes that their therapist has been abusive and doesn't understand them, for me, the helpful thing would be to suggest alternative ways to get new treatment. Or if someone writes that their marriage is abusive, for me, the helpful thing would be to encourage them to get to a safe place.
But that isn't what you needed, I guess?Sympathy can feel wonderful at the time, but it might not be the most helpful thing for a person to receive. If someone sees someone about to walk into a hole, they reach out and try to guide them away from it.
You can help yourself, Kerria. And I know that many people on these forums have said that, and I wonder what you think of that statement? You have the power to help yourself, parts of you are strong enough to work a job and manage a home, you're strong enough to deal with awful pain and you're strong enough to find a new t to replace one that you felt was a very negative influence in your life.Already your voice here is very different from your voice at that other forum, much stronger, and much more self aware. I hope the new T was a good experience, and that you won't have to work with the other T who was mean to you.
I think people did not jump into that thread to respond to the people who were being mean because we wanted to continue to give support to you, not turn the thread into a big fight that might get shut down
Meg.
Posted by cecilia on November 16, 2006, at 3:32:20
In reply to Re: my friends jumped me :(, posted by kerria on November 15, 2006, at 17:26:42
Kerria, the small number of people in the thread in the other forum who wrote abusive mesages WERE wrong. That does NOT make you wrong. YOU are not bad because someone hurts you, though I know how easy it is to feel that way, I often do.
That was a very long thread, and I think most of the messages were intended to be helpful. Unfortunately, their help was delivered in a way that was not helpful to you. That does not make you bad or wrong, though I know it is very frustrating. A lot of people, both here and in the other forum, do care about you, Kerria, and hope things get better for you. Cecilia
Posted by kerria on November 16, 2006, at 7:27:45
In reply to Re: my friends jumped me :(, posted by cassie17 on November 15, 2006, at 20:56:57
Meg,
Thank you for taking the time to write.
i have a lot of voices and ways of thinking- that's what causes so much misunderstanding.
i did take their advice- almost everything that was said- i talked about the difficult T relationship and was calling and already saw the new T- nobody listened- and that's not what they were talking about-- i don't think. i can't read it another time and be safe. BTW my next appt with the new T is tomorrow. What people said to me i did- but the thread was a lot of negatives about people agreeing with each other that i never took anyone's advice, etc- and it was evident that i did take their advice about the new T.
My thread was about my disability that i fought for since i found out that i would need treatment
that i couldn't afford.i was and am upset that i still can't afford- i hope the new T works out- and i hope that he takes disability. Right now i'm thankful for my h and his insurance or else i wouldn't be able to go to any T.
So i took all the advice everyone gave me that i could. The things that some said are always very good- but maybe i'll be there and be able to communicate to my parts whan i've been going to t twice a week for as long as thay have and have the support irl. It's so unfair to compare. i am doing the very best that i can - and more negatives - it was mostly- not all- negative and untrue about me not taking advice. i took and am taking almost All advice.
People weren't talking to me- they were criticizing the part of me that i hate also- it became a nightmare - the things that were said.
imagine feeling really bad about finding out you wouldn't be able to afford t when you though getting benefits were going to make a difference- hiring a lawyer- spending countless hours aat the disability places-meeting with their own disability dr who only talked to the work part- being denied three times because they didn't get the information- when you spent weeks going from dr to dr signing forms of release- it was a terrible process that took about seven years.
Then i found out how much i was going to get and how much the disability insurance covered for outpt therapy.i also found out that many Ts that treat DID won't take it- and i don't even know about this one. It was not a good time to have all the negatives- when i took their advice also and no one would hear or acknowledge? Why? i told everyone that i was calling and had appt with new T. Thankfully i'm still married so i can go to him. So that's advice there isn't any support inside to take, especially when he isn't half as angry as so many others that know me.
i'm also having so much conflict inside- and am not in a good place, Also have the pain-surgery coming that i'm afraid about and hopeful- so much is wrong. It was so hard to have so much criticism- i know all the things wrong and what to do about ot MORE than you can imagine- the difficult thing is that i can't fix everything yet.
everyone in the world can beat me up about it and i beat up myself everyday- but it isn't fixed. i'm not better and i hate myself more. Then i lost support at only place people know me. It's not easy starting with a new T- like a business meeting.
Take care,
kerria
Posted by cassie17 on November 16, 2006, at 10:44:26
In reply to Re: Well, I'm not rejecting you Kerria, » kerria, posted by Lindenblüte on November 11, 2006, at 0:06:32
Hi Kerria,
The thing is that while you may not consider responses on the forum as talking to "you" but a part of you, people on a forum only know "kerria" so that's who they are talking to. So if Kerria writes one thing, and the rest of you think something different, the people reading your post only know what Kerria says and thinks.
Does that make sense? I think that's where a lot of the confusion may have come from, because some people may have felt that the rest of you wasn't taking responsibility for what Kerria said. And if a post had 5 positive suggestions and 2 negative comments, maybe YOU were taking in everything, but if Kerria only responded to the 2 negative comments, it felt like the positives were being ignored. And after a while, I think some people felt frustrated because they felt their positive comments weren't being heard? Because they weren't being acknowledged.
I'm glad you are starting with a new t, a business approach might be very helpful for you (and so different from the last T which could have been a lot of blurred boundaries)
Meg
Posted by kerria on November 16, 2006, at 12:33:19
In reply to Re: Well, I'm not rejecting you Kerria,, posted by cassie17 on November 16, 2006, at 10:44:26
That's the precise problem that always happens to sabotage- wreck any relationships with Ts and with people- with all my family and friends.
The worst Part?alter will respond to what someone says the worst possible way to make me look bad and it makes people feel negative towards me. No one- not even my T lots of times could get around that happening to wreck our relationship.
i never felt that my T cared about me- he had a hard time with it too- when i would say "I hate that about myself too" then he said he felt a little better-but i didn't at all- Then he could understand better- and this is a T who talks to patients with DID every day almost.
it feels as if i don't have a chance of ever having any good relationships- it's really hard- so much to overcome but people would be angry because that's the "helpless and Hopeless's Part's way of seeing everything and that makes them angry with me for having that part.
It reminds people of someone they dislike a lot.It's reality to me- it is looking that it's the truth to me- i hate it and the thought of going on anymore.
i love my family- they suffer so much because i'm a mess - they don't understand that i switch- it looks like i'm together sometime and able to control everything but i'm really not able to at all.
tears.
i'm so sorry for my family- i can never be consistant and some things i do and say are so terribly wrong- everything i do is terribly wrong to one part or another.and i'm so hurt by thier reactions and by people's reactions to me.
Inside i'm suffering so much because the least critical thing said by someone finds a part inside to agree with them- see it in the worst light- i know you're right. i can't control it from happening.
Then people think that i think that my stuggle is worst than everyone elses's struggle.
It's a total mess.
In the meantime i have no friends- parts are so separate that i can't rmember what i'm doing and everyone is angry because i can't switch in time to get to places- appts
the new dr was so impersonal. and was angry i think though he said he wasn't - i was almost an hour late and the appt was about an hur and a haf appt- we had 1/2 hour maybe- It was a mess- finding the office and switching so much in order to tell him about my history- what i do for work- and my family- who i live with- and the physical problems- so much switching- and the hopelessness part. The T stopped the upset parts abruptly because 'we have no time(not to be judgemental for being late)' and i hated myself so intensely for being the way i was.
so much i need to still talk to someone to give me a reason worth living - i love my family too much to k. myself But they're so upset at the way i am that i wonder if they would think it better- just not be violent -
i'm so afraid- like about six years old and way too afraid to even be out alone. or to think about all these scary thoughts.
i wish someone could help but i really don't tthink so.
tears.
i wanted to see other T-my T of the past seven years - just for comfort- because of what happened at the forum and how hard it is now.
i was so upset that i was late - crying so hard on a street corner- who can live like this? i can't function and i hurt so much.Tears, i lost so much when those things happened at forum- how to go on? why am i not able to do the simplest things any more???
so tired- tears- tired of always being a mess and rejjjected/misunderstood/ no capacity
i wish i was better for family- and then they wouldn't say mean things. i'm so afraid, of handing in papers to new T- afraid of losing everything- family- that i'll get committed and no one will care about me- it hurts so much and everyone is angry.
kerria- not all the writing is the same part- i don't know which is different- don't be angry- that's how it really is.
Posted by kerria on November 16, 2006, at 12:40:32
In reply to Re: my friends jumped me :(, posted by cassie17 on November 14, 2006, at 13:43:16
> Kerria, I think what you are not considering is that most people on that thread were only objecting to the way you'd deny saying specific things, like in several posts, you'd write things that were all in the vein of "Noone has every had this happen to them, nobody has ever had such horrible things happen" and when people brought up those phrases in your posts, you'd write back that you'd never said those things and why were they telling lies about you? So when people quoted your old posts for these times, you took it as a personal attack, instead of just admitting that you'd written that and going on from there.
> I just wouldn't want people to get the wrong idea of that other forum. Several of the people who posted were out of line and angry for reasons that had to do with themselves, but your posts regularly got 80 or 90 responses each, and the bulk of those people (10 -20 people) were NOT attacking you, were trying to encourage you to get away from (what you'd described as) an abusive T, to get away from (what you'd described as) an abusive husband. MANY of the responses were positive, and it felt like you only chose to see and respond to the negatives.
> You asked what you could do? There were wonderful questions that a forum member took a bunch of time to write out to you, very thoughtful questions (from Zippy) and I think that's the kind of positive stuff that forum members hoped you would be able to work with.
> (I just didn't feel it was completely fair to say that so many people jumped you, we didn't. Several people were WRONG and ABUSIVE, and I don't think they should have closed your M+M thread, I REALLY don't agree with that, and I don't agree with the way the mods treated your posts. and alot of the Mods decisions with your posts led me to look for other forums too. Have you checked out Pandora's Aquarium? It is a very positive healing place.)
> I hope you can find peace with all of the emotions coming up for you,
> Cassie, (known as meg9)Thank you- i read this over and over - i will try the site - changes are so hard- it's so hard to always be so alone,
kerria
Posted by cassie17 on November 16, 2006, at 13:12:07
In reply to Re: Well, I'm not rejecting you Kerria, » cassie17, posted by kerria on November 16, 2006, at 12:33:19
People do care about you, Kerria, and your family LOVES you.
I'm glad to be able to get the chance to understand you better, thank you for sharing that with me. I wouldn't be angry at all, just wanted to tell you what I think was happening with the other forum posts. I hope that you do not mind that I wrote you, and I hope that it didn't frighten you that I wrote you in a different place, I was actually worried about you, especially when I saw that that M+M had been (unfairly) closed, and I was so glad to catch your post here by such coincidence.I think this new T might be able to help you in ways that the old T couldn't. He'll have a new fresh perspective. I don't know much or really anything about parts, but it sounds like the old T was taking too long to find the strong parts of you, and that was just keeping you from getting stronger. Breaking you down to build you back up may not be the best way for a T to help right now.
Have you ever considered working with a woman T? I know its taken so long to find a good new T, that the thought of continuing to look around for a woman is probably really scary, but I know for myself, I always felt safer working with a woman, and I wonder if some of your parts might be more comfortable with a woman to talk to? I could open up to my T more than I ever could have opened up to a man.
You'll make it through this, Kerria. You've already survived so much. You really will make it through this. I wonder if you have any hobbies you like to do?For me, my knitting has been a lifesaver at times because when I feel dark and sad I can work with bright colors and make something pretty. And even on days when I was too sad to focus on something I could flip through a knitting book and feel a little better.
Meg
Posted by muffled on November 16, 2006, at 13:26:34
In reply to You'll be okay Kerria :), posted by cassie17 on November 16, 2006, at 13:12:07
Posted by kerria on November 16, 2006, at 13:39:23
In reply to You'll be okay Kerria :), posted by cassie17 on November 16, 2006, at 13:12:07
Thank you. It helped i think that you wrote.
i'm in a bad place. It's not evident that my family loves me- at all. It's the opposite.
it hurts so much- i have not been able to stop myself from revisting the other place- i feel so so hurt- no one cares about the things they said that causes so much pain- i didn't do anything at all to deserve the negativity- and the ostrasizing. i took their advice and have nothing.tears.
The past and the present a- and that from who i thought were my friends- i feel like everyone is against me- even this new T was so impersonal- almost accusitory as talked about all the rules.
I AM SO BROKEN.
i am so broken.
it's so ironic that you meannnnntioned knitting- i tried to so hard the past monthss- got this dvd from the library but my parts wouldn't let me ever put it in. and i kept it- it wasn't lost but kept forgetting to bring it back- we owe the price of it and took it back- still not ever trying:(
i'm so disabled.
i feel so much pain.
why is everything so hard and people so negative- i was never negative- i still don't feel negative towards them but i can't understand why they hurt me so much- when i was doing all i could do.
i was taking their advice i- have this new T who doesn't even know me- treats me just like a criminal and i'm so hurt.
i had to make so many calls to find anyone- don't you remember how many calls it took? i told everyone there. They forgot.i feels so alone and so rejected. i can't take it anymore.
tears,
tears
kerria
Posted by muffled on November 16, 2006, at 13:43:50
In reply to Re: You'll be okay Kerria :) » cassie17, posted by kerria on November 16, 2006, at 13:39:23
kerria, I kinda messed myself right now, so I can't say much, but hang in there, and give your new T a chance.
Glad you trying to work things out.
Muffled
Go forward in thread:
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.