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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by muffled on December 14, 2006, at 17:13:18
I think.
I dunno how to think.
Or how to actually expose myself.
I’ll tell a body just bout anything bout myself really.
WTF do I care?
Who the f*ck am I anyhow?
But there’s that line that cannot be crossed for some reason.
And on the side of that line that I can’t get to:
Are true emotions,
Is actual nurture,
Comfort,
A feeling of being a little bit safe,
There’s reality.
On my side I don’t got these things.
Cuz it goes against my life training of no weakness to be shown.
Of always be on guard.
Of hide the gross at all costs.
This is lifelong ingrained into my psyches.
I have multiple egos to help me in these endeavours.
I cannot get past this.
I shrivelling.
Soon I’ll be like the dead baby husks.(see prose)
Mebbe God’ll decide to save me.
Mebbe He won’t.
I just hope He lets my kids know Him.
Cuz there’s some comfort in knowing Him.
Why, I not sure. There just is.
Even if I don’t understand why the hell He does/doesn’t do stuff.
Why He has protected me, yet He didn’t, did He? And water wants to come to my eyes.
But its not allowed.
It’s a helluva way to live I inclined to think sometimes.
Which is why I like to get stoned sometimes.
Somebody gave me some pharmaceutical THC.
Gonna be fun I reckon, when I got some free time.
One of these times I gonna die.
I just hope I don’t hurt noone else.
I am trying to remember Mommy Muffled.
That Mommy Muffled has to be safe.
But I get kinda tired of keeping up with being Mommy Muffled.
Sometimes I got to blow off some build up of sh*t in my head.
Blast away thots that intrude.
But mebbe its not lifegiving?
But mebbe it is?
I dunno.
I dunno anything.
Posted by muffled on December 14, 2006, at 17:20:59
In reply to I sent this to my T, posted by muffled on December 14, 2006, at 17:13:18
I meant to add but already pressed the button.
Do I make ANY sense?
Do you think my T will understand?
Sometimes I realize she just all too human.
That she got her own human ideas of who I am.
And sometimes I just feel like she DON'T GET IT.
I want to just screama nd make her understand.
But I generally on goodish behavior.
Sometimes I write nasty stuff.
But I don't want to hurt her.
I also think she thinks I am an OK person(go figger???), or mebbe thats just that unconditional acceptance thing that T's do.
Mebbe I leading her on by making her think I nice?
Mebbe its all just some big front, or lie I living?
Mebbe, I dunno, I dunno anything.
I dunno even when she will get the fax.
Or if she would phone me.(proly NOT)
Sometimes, sometimes I just wish I could let go with her and tell her how it REALLY is.
But I can't.
Goes against the prime directive.
SH*T?
Am I the only one like this or does anyone else 'get' this at all?
Thank you,
Muffled
Posted by muffled on December 14, 2006, at 17:25:33
In reply to Re: I sent this to my T, posted by muffled on December 14, 2006, at 17:20:59
a great deal of ?????????????????
I've sent nasty faxes b4.
A couple even actually 'got' to her some. :(
She said it was manipulative when I did that.
One time I sent a rorasch blood splash thing. She said that was not acceptable.
But that time it was my ikid trying to communicate, and she brushed off the ikid when she said that.
Ikid was SC REAMING in her way.
But I was bad to do that.
THATS why I SO confused.
I don't think I even know how to communicate properly.
Muffled
Posted by canadagirl on December 14, 2006, at 18:43:33
In reply to Re: I sent this to my T, posted by muffled on December 14, 2006, at 17:20:59
>>Sometimes, sometimes I just wish I could let go with her and tell her how it REALLY is.
But I can't.<<
Sometimes we have to take that risk. Even though we "can't". When we do finally take it, a huge burden is lifted somehow. Keep trying.>>Am I the only one like this or does anyone else 'get' this at all?<<
I think I might "get" some of it. Been through a lot of it, probably.
Posted by LlurpsieBlossom on December 14, 2006, at 19:08:09
In reply to Re: I sent this to my T » muffled, posted by canadagirl on December 14, 2006, at 18:43:33
muffled,
the hardest thing to do is to make YOURSELF take a peek over that wall that you built to protect yourself.Your T can be there to hold the ladder steady for you. Maybe somebody else (i.e. God) can help you in this process too.
There's a good reason for having that boundary. And there are good reasons for keeping it, and good reasons for breaching it.
I'm not sure what your personal style is. My style is not to take peeks and baby-steps, but to attack it with a battering ram and then face a flood of scary monster memories with nothing more than some little pills, a woman I've known for a few months, some kleenex, and my imagination. Oh, and the support I get from psycho-babblers like you :o)
Somedays I think I'm winning, and other days I wish I had never even gotten the idea in my head to pick up that battering ram. Some days I feel like I'm all alone and everything is attacking me from all fronts (my imaginary battle scenes are very midieval, no modern warfare technology is available). Other days I sit around twiddling my thumbs, waiting...
Every once in a while I win. So do you, you know?
But I'm not sure when the war will be over. I just know that it's important to avoid getting hurt, because I need to be as strong as possible to face every day.-lurpsy
Posted by muffled on December 14, 2006, at 20:05:22
In reply to Re: I sent this to my T » muffled, posted by canadagirl on December 14, 2006, at 18:43:33
> >>Sometimes, sometimes I just wish I could let go with her and tell her how it REALLY is.
> But I can't.<<
> Sometimes we have to take that risk. Even though we "can't". When we do finally take it, a huge burden is lifted somehow. Keep trying.
>
> >>Am I the only one like this or does anyone else 'get' this at all?<<
> I think I might "get" some of it. Been through a lot of it, probably.**Thanks CG. It good to not be alone in this.
I guess i gonna have to 'just do it' or SOMEthing. I dunno.
Take care,
Muffled
Posted by muffled on December 14, 2006, at 20:13:39
In reply to Re: I sent this to my T » canadagirl, posted by LlurpsieBlossom on December 14, 2006, at 19:08:09
> muffled,
> the hardest thing to do is to make YOURSELF take a peek over that wall that you built to protect yourself.** I don't know HOW to make myself do that?
I just panic and blank out.
Even if I COULD look over, I dunno if I'd see anything, cuz I seem to have a memory problem of some kind.
> Your T can be there to hold the ladder steady for you. Maybe somebody else (i.e. God) can help you in this process too.**I only trust my T so far. She is human, therefore could bail on me......
God gives me hope, but He don't seem so interested in neccessarily 'protecting' me.......
>
> There's a good reason for having that boundary. And there are good reasons for keeping it, and good reasons for breaching it.**I don't even know WHY I have this stupid wall so high. I am SO tired of it :(
SO SO tired.>
> I'm not sure what your personal style is. My style is not to take peeks and baby-steps, but to attack it with a battering ram and then face a flood of scary monster memories with nothing more than some little pills, a woman I've known for a few months, some kleenex, and my imagination. Oh, and the support I get from psycho-babblers like you :o)
>
> Somedays I think I'm winning, and other days I wish I had never even gotten the idea in my head to pick up that battering ram. Some days I feel like I'm all alone and everything is attacking me from all fronts (my imaginary battle scenes are very midieval, no modern warfare technology is available). Other days I sit around twiddling my thumbs, waiting...**I must not be doing ANYthing. I must be frozen into immobility. Just gonna sit and shrivell apparently...
>
> Every once in a while I win. So do you, you know?
> But I'm not sure when the war will be over. I just know that it's important to avoid getting hurt, because I need to be as strong as possible to face every day.*Sometimes I feel like I getting somewhere. Can't seem to remmeber anything much of interest lately...
I really hate this.
You are very clever Li.
I'm starting to think mebbe I more brain damaged that I thot :(
Damn.
Thanks,
Muffled
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