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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by youngaddict on January 24, 2007, at 19:26:14
i have been really upset with my t recently, probably because i am expecting too much of her.. i know that. i debated canceling this weeks apt and i had to give her 24 hours notice or i get charged 75 dollars. which i have done before...and so i waited until two hours before the apt and canceled for today and friday. and t hasn't called me, which might have been one reason i did that.. i wanted to test her to see her loyalty to me, see if she cared and she doesn't beecause she hasn't called. another reason is that i just don't feel like going back because i am not following her directions at getting clean and being able to work on my problems... am i making any sense?
please give me your opinions on what i should do.,.
youngaddict.. AKA sue
Posted by muffled on January 24, 2007, at 23:57:30
In reply to canceled my T apt...why do i do this to myself?, posted by youngaddict on January 24, 2007, at 19:26:14
> i have been really upset with my t recently, probably because i am expecting too much of her.. i know that. i debated canceling this weeks apt and i had to give her 24 hours notice or i get charged 75 dollars. which i have done before...and so i waited until two hours before the apt and canceled for today and friday. and t hasn't called me, which might have been one reason i did that.. i wanted to test her to see her loyalty to me, see if she cared and she doesn't beecause she hasn't called. another reason is that i just don't feel like going back because i am not following her directions at getting clean and being able to work on my problems... am i making any sense?
>
> please give me your opinions on what i should do.,.
>
> youngaddict.. AKA sue(((Sue)))
I hate it when T's fail our tests. My T had terrible phone manners as far as I was concerned. And to some extent she did, but to some extent, some of it was 'testing', some of it was just trying to get her to connect w/me.
I think she may not have understood the importance to me. In fact I really don't think she did. And I finally kinda offhand 'sorta' mentioned it in some of my writings to her. And finally, eventually, she started to clue in. It all would have happened alot faster if I was just straight w/her!!! But thats just something I not always good at.
So if I had this to do w/my T all over again, I would be more clear in my writings bout how her behaviours affected me. Cuz i think that would have helped things progress more quickly.
I have done exactly what you have done, cancelled by message machine, another time in person on the phone, another coupla times just not shown up and I waited for her call, another time stormed out of her office in distress(I thot she'd call, but she didn't :(......
So I think your pretty normal in that way. As normal as ME anyways!!!LOL!! Perhaps thats not saying much!
Addiction is crazymaking. I have not been to the 'substance use board', I think that means substance abuse really? I dunno if you might find some useful tips there as far as getting off the weed.
I thin k mebbe you have a valid point, and I admire your honesty greatly, bout your using affecting T. I DO think thats an issue. Does your T have any training/experience w/addictions?
I guess the other thing I might ask is how bad do you REALLY truly want to get away from using? You have to want it SO bad. Or you gonna keep going back.
There are alot of facets of how addictions work, so mebbe for now you could work more addiction related therapy as opposed to personal T if that makes sense?
It helped me alot when I learned how addiction works and the mental tricks I was playing on myself.
Addiction is HUGE, VERY, VERY, powerful. But it CAN be beaten. I am living proof, and I was SO addicted, and really, still am, I just am not using is all.
So I think you make total sense. I also think very honestly you have what it takes to kick that stuff. Its just a matter of when you are ready, and mebbe getting some training bout it. Coping mechanisms to get by cravings and recognizing and staying away from things that trigger you to want to use etc etc.
Take care,
Muffled
Posted by LadyBug on January 25, 2007, at 10:32:23
In reply to Re: canceled my T apt...why do i do this to myself? » youngaddict, posted by muffled on January 24, 2007, at 23:57:30
Muffled,
I think you gave youngaddict some really awesome advice and encouragement. I know how addiction ruins lives and frustrates the people that have to deal with an addict. But being honest about it is such a strong thing to do. I'm sure her T must not understand totally how it is or else she doesn't have the patience to deal with it.
I know all about the canceling appointment stuff. We all do it every now and then when we get angry at our T for something.
LadyBug
Posted by happykat on January 25, 2007, at 12:59:05
In reply to canceled my T apt...why do i do this to myself?, posted by youngaddict on January 24, 2007, at 19:26:14
Hi youngaddict,
I test my t alot too and she has failed frequently. One thing that has helped me that Muffled mentioned too is writing it out for your t. I started writing a couple of pages of notes that I hand my t every week. When I'm really angry at her and can't say it, I bury it somewhere in my notes and she always finds it and we talk about it.
I tend to read things into every word she says or gesture she makes and as I've started communicating with her more I realize that I misread her all the time. It's really important to find a way to communicate what it is you need from her. I think writing is the easiest. You could even write out your feelings about trying to deal with addiction. It may give her a better perspective of what you're going through. Do you like to write? Do you keep a journal?
It's hard when you're trying to work through addiction issues. It's really important that you have someone who understands and knows how to handle those issues. Does your t have any experience with addiction? 12 Step programs are also great to do in conjunction with therapy. It helps to be around others going through the same.
If you really don't want to go back I would at the very least write out how you honestly feel about therapy, fighting your addiction, needing your t to be there for you, etc.. and go to one more session and give it to her.
The last time I tried to quit therapy I did that and she read what I wrote and she understood me for the first time. You got to let them know whats going on in your head. That's the only way they can truly help.
I wish you lots of luck. Hang in there.
Regards,
happykat
Posted by youngaddict on January 26, 2007, at 13:43:30
In reply to Re: canceled my T apt...why do i do this to myself? » youngaddict, posted by muffled on January 24, 2007, at 23:57:30
> (((Sue)))
> I hate it when T's fail our tests. My T had terrible phone manners as far as I was concerned. And to some extent she did, but to some extent, some of it was 'testing', some of it was just trying to get her to connect w/me.*** My T keeps very clear boundries for our relationship in terms of i know nothing about her other than what i learned from the internet... nothing. however, she does say to me that she cares about me and she is here to help me get better.. but then last time she said she couldn't cure me which i guess she realized i was kind of searching for someone to do....
she called me and left me a pretty professional message about how she was calling back to reschedule, but it was on speaker phone so i felt like she didn't even have the decency to call me regulary, like she was too busy doing other stuff....little things like that really annoy me.
> I think she may not have understood the importance to me. In fact I really don't think she did. And I finally kinda offhand 'sorta' mentioned it in some of my writings to her. And finally, eventually, she started to clue in. It all would have happened alot faster if I was just straight w/her!!! But thats just something I not always good at.** I really should try to start writing things downm, although I am unsure of how she would react. I have a feeling she wouldn't be happy because that would be like a step back in therapy, having to write stuff down because i am a wimp? i don't know.. i should mention it.
> So if I had this to do w/my T all over again, I would be more clear in my writings bout how her behaviours affected me. Cuz i think that would have helped things progress more quickly.**you are totally right...
> I have done exactly what you have done, cancelled by message machine, another time in person on the phone, another coupla times just not shown up and I waited for her call, another time stormed out of her office in distress(I thot she'd call, but she didn't :(......** They can be such bas&^rds.,.haha...
> So I think your pretty normal in that way. As normal as ME anyways!!!LOL!! Perhaps thats not saying much!**AWW..
> Addiction is crazymaking. I have not been to the 'substance use board', I think that means substance abuse really? I dunno if you might find some useful tips there as far as getting off the weed.** I have posted there but a lot of people post there about the medication they are on and stuff.. nothing really too helpful like this board. I love this board...
> I thin k mebbe you have a valid point, and I admire your honesty greatly, bout your using affecting T. I DO think thats an issue. Does your T have any training/experience w/addictions?** She does, and she has been talking to me about NA for months and I tried it but didn't really put my all into it. Shes very knowledgable about the program.. I was clean for 28 days and then I just relapsed..
> I guess the other thing I might ask is how bad do you REALLY truly want to get away from using? You have to want it SO bad. Or you gonna keep going back.
** I know. right now i guess i don't want it badly enough.
> There are alot of facets of how addictions work, so mebbe for now you could work more addiction related therapy as opposed to personal T if that makes sense?** we have been doing that but then i get so mad because i want to know why i am an addict, what reason i have etc.. and my t wants me to just forget that and work on getting clean first,
> It helped me alot when I learned how addiction works and the mental tricks I was playing on myself.
> Addiction is HUGE, VERY, VERY, powerful. But it CAN be beaten. I am living proof, and I was SO addicted, and really, still am, I just am not using is all.
**did you go to NA?
> So I think you make total sense. I also think very honestly you have what it takes to kick that stuff. Its just a matter of when you are ready, and mebbe getting some training bout it. Coping mechanisms to get by cravings and recognizing and staying away from things that trigger you to want to use etc etc.
> Take care,
> Muffled**muffled you are awesome,. whenever i post here i look forward to your honest replies to my posts.. they are always very helpful..
thank you so much.
((((muffled))))
>
Posted by youngaddict on January 26, 2007, at 13:52:01
In reply to Re: canceled my T apt...why do i do this to myself?, posted by happykat on January 25, 2007, at 12:59:05
> Hi youngaddict,
>
> I test my t alot too and she has failed frequently. One thing that has helped me that Muffled mentioned too is writing it out for your t. I started writing a couple of pages of notes that I hand my t every week. When I'm really angry at her and can't say it, I bury it somewhere in my notes and she always finds it and we talk about it.
>****how did you first mention this to her? I have been debating this but I feel she will think I am being childish or babyish and immature.. even though I tell her I write stuff down. she also knows i have problems with talking about stuff and she once mentioned we should talk about it some more and then we didn't.. i think she forgot--it was something i needed her to bring up.
> I tend to read things into every word she says or gesture she makes and as I've started communicating with her more I realize that I misread her all the time. It's really important to find a way to communicate what it is you need from her. I think writing is the easiest. You could even write out your feelings about trying to deal with addiction. It may give her a better perspective of what you're going through. Do you like to write? Do you keep a journal?**I do write stuff down occasionally. mostly after I started coming on here and heard that suggestion.. I havebought a notebook and I write in it. Last night I was on a plane and I wrote ten pages about how awful my life is and contemplating suicide and plannning my funeral.. it was awful, i was bawling on the plane. and right then i though, i shouid mail this to her, i don't think she knows exactly how awful and depressed i really feel....
I just left her a message telling her I was not doing well and needed to come in next week for sure because i was sitting on the plane last night planning my funeral, but that i wasn't planning on doing anythign.. god i hope she doesnt' commit me for saying that, can she??
>
> It's hard when you're trying to work through addiction issues. It's really important that you have someone who understands and knows how to handle those issues. Does your t have any experience with addiction? 12 Step programs are also great to do in conjunction with therapy. It helps to be around others going through the same.**I did try 12 step for 28 days and i didn't find what i was looking for, i am not sure what i was looking for, but at that moment in time i was not feeling the whole na thing. i wish i did.
>
> If you really don't want to go back I would at the very least write out how you honestly feel about therapy, fighting your addiction, needing your t to be there for you, etc.. and go to one more session and give it to her.
>**I am going to go to at least one more and give her what i wrote.
> The last time I tried to quit therapy I did that and she read what I wrote and she understood me for the first time. You got to let them know whats going on in your head. That's the only way they can truly help.
>
> I wish you lots of luck. Hang in there.
>
> Regards,
> happykat**thank you so much happykat, this is what i need, advice from others who understand exactly how i feel. its so hard sometimes... but being on here makes it better.
>
Posted by happykat on January 26, 2007, at 15:09:55
In reply to Re: canceled my T apt...why do i do this to myself?, posted by youngaddict on January 26, 2007, at 13:52:01
Hi y.a.,
>>>how did you first mention this to her?<<<
I wrote a page about a session during which she had thoroughly pissed me off. I labeled it therapy notes and recapped the session. I wrote what we talked about and how it made me angry and how I felt she didn't understand where I was coming from. I wrote about my feelings of transference and how it felt from my point of view. She was really surprised and actually quite happy that I gave it to her. I think she considers it a breakthrough.
Now I give her 2 pages a week. Sometimes 1 page with bullet points if I'm in a hurry. 1 page is recapping our last session, what we talked about, how I felt, etc.. Page 2 is what I want to talk about this week and whats gone on during the week.
It's definitely strengthened our therapeutic relationship. It's also making it easier to talk about things openly which is a first for me. It's slow going but I'm getting there.
>>>Last night I was on a plane and I wrote ten pages about how awful my life is and contemplating suicide and plannning my funeral.. it was awful, i was bawling on the plane. and right then i though, i shouid mail this to her, i don't think she knows exactly how awful and depressed i really feel....<<<<((((((youngaddict)))))))
I don't think she can commit you for that. Just make sure you emphasize that you aren't going to act on it!!
I would definitely consider letting her read what you wrote. I find that I just can't/won't talk about some things. And those are usually the most important things. The things I need her to hear most.
Good luck with next wk's appt. Let me know how it goes.
Be well. Stay safe.
Regards,
happykat :)
Posted by Tamar on January 26, 2007, at 16:35:11
In reply to Re: canceled my T apt...why do i do this to myself?, posted by youngaddict on January 26, 2007, at 13:43:30
> ** we have been doing that but then i get so mad because i want to know why i am an addict, what reason i have etc.. and my t wants me to just forget that and work on getting clean first,
I could be way off the mark, but it sounds to me as if this is the key to the current difficulties you're having in therapy.
It's important to you to understand yourself and the role that addiction plays in your life, and its origins in your life and so on. That's a perfectly reasonable point of view.
It's possible that your therapist doesn't understand how or why that's important to you. It's also possible that she thinks it's hard to deal with that stuff while you're still in the throes of addiction. Maybe she's worried that facing your demons may make it harder for you to leave your addiction behind.
It sounds like a conversation you really need to have with her. It's about your identity, so she needs to understand your perspective. If she strongly believes she's right about getting you clean first, then she needs to persuade you of that. It will be difficult to make progress when the two of you have different objectives.
I hope you manage to work it out with her.
Tamar
Posted by muffled on January 28, 2007, at 22:44:21
In reply to Re: canceled my T apt...why do i do this to myself?, posted by youngaddict on January 26, 2007, at 13:43:30
>** she called me and left me a pretty professional message about how she was calling back to reschedule, but it was on speaker phone so i felt like she didn't even have the decency to call me regulary, like she was too busy doing other stuff....little things like that really annoy me.
yup
> ** I really should try to start writing things downm, although I am unsure of how she would react. I have a feeling she wouldn't be happy because that would be like a step back in therapy, having to write stuff down because i am a wimp? i don't know.. i should mention it.Never a step back to truly express yourself. Writings are just a steppingstone..
Hey you! I write MOSTLY, ya wanto meet me somewhere, I can show you I NO wimp (cept in T).LOL.> ** They can be such bas&^rds.,.haha...
well, they sure can make ya feel bad allright
> ** I have posted there but a lot of people post there about the medication they are on and stuff.. nothing really too helpful like this board. I love this board...
:)
> ** She does, and she has been talking to me about NA for months and I tried it but didn't really put my all into it. Shes very knowledgable about the program.. I was clean for 28 days and then I just relapsed..
well, if you addicted i don't suppose you GONNA come clean the first time.....
I couldn't do AA. For one thing I got tired of getting hit on, and for another I just didn't seem to fit in. I went to NA and it was even WORSE!> ** I know. right now i guess i don't want it badly enough.
Its gotcha by the short and curlys. Gonna hurt.
> ** we have been doing that but then i get so mad because i want to know why i am an addict, what reason i have etc.. and my t wants me to just forget that and work on getting clean first,
Yeah,I just can't do good T while using, just can't.
As for addiction, hell it feels so f*cking GOOD, no wonder addiction.
Mebbe incentive to stop using that sh*t might be the thot you can do good T?
Sorry, I a little messed.
Just in my head.
Take care kiddo,
Muffled
Posted by youngaddict on January 31, 2007, at 17:03:24
In reply to Re: canceled my T apt...why do i do this to myself? » youngaddict, posted by muffled on January 28, 2007, at 22:44:21
hey muffled
just wanted to give you an update..
i called my shrink on friday and told her how i was having suicidal thoughts, etc etc...
so she called me back and arranged all these times i could come in.
i told her wednesday was the best for me
in the meantime i have been in california having a good time but kind of melancholic at the same time.
i have been having suicidal thoughts and thinking of how i am hitting bottom, etc.. whatever.
but the point is i am still upset over what happened last time with my t that i am afraid to go back to her. i am so so very afraid that she will yell at me or worse yet, not even care.
i don't think she cares.
why do i want her to care?
Posted by muffled on January 31, 2007, at 22:23:26
In reply to Re: canceled my T apt...why do i do this to myself?, posted by youngaddict on January 31, 2007, at 17:03:24
> just wanted to give you an update..
Thank you
>
> i called my shrink on friday and told her how i was having suicidal thoughts, etc etc...:-(
> so she called me back and arranged all these times i could come in. i told her wednesday was the best for me
Good> in the meantime i have been in california having a good time but kind of melancholic at the same time.
Yeah....
> i have been having suicidal thoughts and thinking of how i am hitting bottom, etc.. whatever.Yup...
> but the point is i am still upset over what happened last time with my t that i am afraid to go back to her. i am so so very afraid that she will yell at me or worse yet, not even care.
Well I have heard some odd T stories here on babble, and its not like I haven't heard of a T that yells, but the overwhelming babble response to the yelling T thing, was that it was totally innappropriate.
I somehow doubt your T will yell at you. It wouldn't be in the best interests of developing a 'theraputic relationship', which is what T is based on. 'Theraputic relationship', not friendship, though at times it feels that way, not a replacement parent, just a tool to help you learn what you need to learn to grow and develop in more lifegiving ways.......
And I suspect most T's care to some extent, cuz thats why they doing it, but they also goto keep boundaries to protect themselves from falling apart too....
> i don't think she cares.I can't tell you that. I CAN tell you that I went thru this with my T SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many times.
I have now come to the conclusion that she cares. She cannot carry me, but she can help me find the better path to follow along.
>
> why do i want her to care?For me, I dunno exactly, but it meant alot to me that she cared even when she knew what a sh*thead I was and some of the bad things I done....
Methinks for me it had alot to do with trust. Learning to trust.
So this may be the right T for you, she may not, I dunno. My only advice to you is to be very honest and straightforward with her, and ask her to do the same with you.
If something in your relationship with her is bugging you....SAY IT! (or as I dO.....write it down)
Best of luck to you YA. I KNOW you can get thru this, it may seem impossibly hard, but its NOT impossible. You got SO much fun stuff ahead of you. You just goto break free of the chains and keep growing. Growing is a lifelong process.
Sending good thots your way...
Muffled
Posted by youngaddict on February 1, 2007, at 18:15:23
In reply to Re: canceled my T apt...why do i do this to myself? » youngaddict, posted by muffled on January 31, 2007, at 22:23:26
HEY muffled. thanks for the reply.
I dunno exactly, but it meant alot to me that she cared even when she knew what a sh*thead I was and some of the bad things I done....
**I know what you mean. I am so exmbarressed by some of the f-ed up things I have done in the past.. so embarrsessed and ashamed that I am afraid to tell anyone.. let alone my t who i hold in this high regard.
Methinks for me it had alot to do with trust. Learning to trust.** I do have some trust issues. I really do. I want to trust my T because thats what shes there for because I honestly think shes excellent. I think that I am afraid to get better.. to change my life.
So this may be the right T for you, she may not, I dunno. My only advice to you is to be very honest and straightforward with her, and ask her to do the same with you.
** I know that my problem is that I want her to care about me, to save me and she can't. So I am avoiding her, playing games with her to test her level of caring.
If something in your relationship with her is bugging you....SAY IT! (or as I dO.....write it down)** that idea frightens me more than the idea of just not going back to therapy.
Best of luck to you YA. I KNOW you can get thru this, it may seem impossibly hard, but its NOT impossible. You got SO much fun stuff ahead of you. You just goto break free of the chains and keep growing. Growing is a lifelong process.
Sending good thots your way...
Muffled
**thanks. it does seem impossibly hard since there are so many variables going on.. my drug use, my issues from my chldhood my family, my friends, my depression. its all intermixed and I want to just go away...ahhhh..
thanks muffled.... i appreciate it.
This is the end of the thread.
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