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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Poet on January 27, 2007, at 11:52:12
I'm supposed to write down all of the things I should feel compassion for myself for going back to childhood. We're going to work on my forgiving myself and not beating myself up for things that were/are beyond my control.
I kept telling her I've hated myself since the first breath I took, so I suppose I start with I forgive myself for being born.
I'm really depressed and feeling more negative than ever so this homework is going to be hard, I can list all the bad things I've done or that have happenened to me, but forgive myself? I don't think I deserve it. I really don't.
Poet
Posted by Daisym on January 27, 2007, at 12:38:10
In reply to Homework, posted by Poet on January 27, 2007, at 11:52:12
This sounds like a really tough assignment. We could trade - mine is to try and figure out how to find little pockets of freedom during the day when I don't have to respond to the pressures of my life. I'm thinking--bathroom breaks?
Maybe give yourself permission to trade off - write a negative and then write something that just happened. Or next to the negative, write as honestly as you can what you could control and what you couldn't. Do it without judgement - for example, "I was fired" - "I can't control someone else's stupid decision."
The other thing I do is pretend it was someone else. If you were talking to me about being abused, would you say it was my fault? I think it was in different places and in different times. But what would you say? I can say your mom should have protected you from your brother, you were too young to protect yourself. But what would you say here? Maybe you might even start with things that really do need just compassion - like being young and vulnerable.
This is really hard homework but valuable. Let me know if I can help. I'm with your therapist on this one, you are way too hard on yourself.
Love and hugs,
Daisy
Posted by caraher on January 27, 2007, at 13:01:49
In reply to Homework, posted by Poet on January 27, 2007, at 11:52:12
I think Daisy has some good ideas. I know the "suppose it were a friend" way of reframing thoughts and actions usually works well for me. If that doesn't help, you might even be more specific - rather than it being an abstract "friend," have a specific person in mind when you try reframing it.
This homework will take time. You've only been asked to make a list, not to actually forgive yourself for everything on it by next session. So just concentrate on making a list of things you beat yourself up over.
Being born sounds like a good starting place. I hope you can see that it's at least something for which you are "blameless" (as the angry child's challenge to parents goes, "I didn't ask to be born!"). And my wish is that eventually you'll cease to regard it as something regrettable!
Posted by Poet on January 28, 2007, at 11:44:59
In reply to Re: Homework » Poet, posted by Daisym on January 27, 2007, at 12:38:10
Hi Daisy,
Thanks for helping me with my homework. T tried having me frame it in therapy where I am feeling compassion for someone else and I to quote her *made it 20 seconds* before I said the person was a failure. I told her that when I've done something worthy of self compassion I'll have it. Hence the homework assignment.
You have some good ideas as to how to tackle my homework. I'm going to try to do the negative with a positive: *this is what happened, this is why it wasn't my fault.*
You are right that I would never say that you are at fault for being abused. I can try to start with being young and vulnerable, at least list it as a reason to feel compassion. The hard part for me is listing things that I beat myself up over, it's hard to feel compassion when I'm full of self blame.
I'll gladly trade homework assignments with you. I think bathroom breaks count as a little pocket of freedom during the day, as long as the door has a good lock on it. I used to hide in the bathroom at work or in my car. My car was a real haven even when it was snowing and cold outside I'd shiver in the car, but feel free because I was all alone. I so love being alone.
Thanks for your help. I see my T on Friday and I may babblemail you my list, if you don't mind.
Poet
Posted by Poet on January 28, 2007, at 11:48:52
In reply to Re: Homework, posted by caraher on January 27, 2007, at 13:01:49
Hi Caraher,
Thanks for your help. I'm going to try to do a negative-positive list as Daisy suggested. I tried to talk about myself like I was someone else in therapy and it didn't work real well, which is how I got the homework assignment,
I will start with being born, it's something that was definitely beyond my control.
I hope one day I cease to find being born as regrettable, but that's a long way off.Again, thanks for helping and caring, I appreciate it.
Poet
Posted by Dinah on January 29, 2007, at 11:48:03
In reply to Homework, posted by Poet on January 27, 2007, at 11:52:12
I hate homework. :)
The other day I wrote a story about myself in third person. Do you think it might help if you wrote in third person about yourself? It might help you give yourself the compassion you so freely show to others.
Posted by Poet on January 29, 2007, at 14:00:26
In reply to Re: Homework, posted by Dinah on January 29, 2007, at 11:48:03
Hi Dinah,
I can try third person, so far I have a blank sheet of paper. All I want to write is the word *failure,* in big bold print. Fear of failure and thinking I'm a complete failure is something I should show compassion to myself about, so maybe it should be first on my list.
What I really hate is that I know my T will want me to read the list out loud to her. I hated reading things out loud when she had me journaling.
I hate homework, too.
Poet
Posted by Honore on January 29, 2007, at 21:48:59
In reply to Re: Homework » Dinah, posted by Poet on January 29, 2007, at 14:00:26
Maybe you could forgive yourself for being a failure; but maybe you also could think of some ways that you're not.
They might seem like things that "don't really count"-- and maybe they aren't what matters most to you-- but still, there might be some ways.
For example, I was thinking about you last night. I was at a dance performance, and the music was terribly loud (in my opinion). I frequently find the music--or soundtrack-- overwhelming in performances or theatres, and luckily, I also find the subway noise horribly grating, so I tend to have ear plugs. When I was putting them in last night, I was noticing that no one else seemed to be the least bothered by the noise-- and it reminded me of you.
And I was thinking about how it really isn't (to me, about you) sensory defensiveness-- as you or your T put it, a bit uncharitably in my mind-- but a kind of sensitivity that is rare and very valuable. Sometimes it leads to being overstimulated, in a world where there is so much stimulation-- but say in the forest, if you were in a group and there were reasons to be aware of different signs in nature-- your abilities would be critical to so many things.
I wasn't thinking that last night-- but just how you would hear so much if you were listening to music, or watching dance. I was thinking that your extremely finely tuned and reactive senses-- which are sometimes a hindrance, might also enable to you to hear music or tones of voice-- or other things, with an awareness that is wonderful.
So anyway-- that's one thing you could forgive yourself for-- maybe, eventually?
Honore
Posted by Poet on January 31, 2007, at 11:30:11
In reply to Re: Homework » Poet, posted by Honore on January 29, 2007, at 21:48:59
Hi Honore,
Thanks for thinking of me, and not in a negative way like I always think of myself. I've never thought of my *sensitivity* as being valuable, I perceive it as being a burden. I've got some thinking to do as well as homework.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, I appreciate them as I wouldn't have looked at myself from that perspective. Interesting.
Poet
Posted by Poet on February 2, 2007, at 14:43:13
In reply to Homework, posted by Poet on January 27, 2007, at 11:52:12
T forgot she assigned the homework, I could have gotten away with not doing it, but I worked hard on making my list, so I reminded her. She read it and wrote some notes on it for ways for me to phrase things: *even though I struggle to have self compassion, I choose to deeply love and accept myself.*
When I blame myself for being abused by my brother, I am to say *little Poet should be forgiven, she was a victim.*
My list had ten things on it that I need to have self compassion/forgiveness for, T said that she'll be avaiable tomorrow morning if I need to talk to her more about wording things. Hmm, makes me think she's trying to make up for forgetting, but that's okay, I needed to do this, even though it was a tough assignment.
Poet
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