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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by antigua on March 18, 2007, at 20:18:20
Boy, the server is slow today or is it just me?
In any case, I've been lurking but not writing for a while (sorry), but I wanted to check in and say hi to all and tell you how much I appreciate everyone's efforts to get through all this stuff. There really should be a manual--maybe we should write one!
for those who have been so kind to ask, I'm doing well. I fear that I will jinx myself, but o.k., I've been doing really well.
I gave up my hypnosis. My excuse (my DH's) anyway was money. When I added it all up, I was spending way more on my T, pdoc and hypnotist than I was making and money is tight now, so hypnosis was first to go. I also know my excuse may sound hollow--we were doing good work and maybe it was too much for me. I never had memories come up, really, but I sure learned a lot of relaxation and coping skills. I also learned how to do EMDR on my own, and I tried it and it worked! Never thought that was possible...
My pdoc gave me a stern lecture about six weeks ago--really kind of that "buck up" and "get over it" talk that made me so mad! He truly believes that we never get over things like csa, we just learn to live with it. I don't agree with him, but part of me said maybe I've been through all I can get through. I can't force myself to be any better, or gain more insights, and yes, I have accepted what happened to me, but hey, it DOES color my whole life today, no matter what he says.
So I had a crisis with my T and pushed her so far away that I didn't see her for weeks. She actually got kind of mad at me, and said if I was quitting, she needed some certified letter or something.. I wasn't quitting, I just wanted to take a break, but I realized I was pushing her out of my life, too. Worked well for a little while, but you know the story... went crawling back. We're going to every other week for a while, but it's kind of useless because I spend most of my time catching up and avoiding the real issues I still need to deal with.
So, I'm hanging in there. Taking a lot more on myself to take care of myself. When I got so mad at my pdoc, I tapered down to half my does of Cymbalta (spite perhaps?) and I feel so much better. I was a zombie and didn't realize it. I didn't care about some things that really were important (like deadlines!)
Am I finished with therapy? No, but I feel like I have my life back again. I still have tons of dreams that tie into csa, but I just try to work them out. If I get too upset, back to my T.
I think what I'm saying is that I've moved out of my depression. I'm not so debilitated right now--not that it won't come back; mine definitely goes in cycles, but I do feel stronger.
I still have real trouble with the good father/bad father issue and feel like I will never solve it, so it's just sitting there, but I just accept that it's there.
I was a crazy woman for the last couple of years, and I am enjoying my peace now. (crazy is good, too, though! It helps us grow.)
So hang in there to those of you who are suffering badly. I know how much it hurts and how you feel like you're stuck in the middle with no way out, and all you want is to get OUT, no matter how you do it. But please, please try to be kind to yourself; beating up on ourselves just never works. I know this for a fact.
love to all,
antigua
Posted by Iwillsurvive on March 18, 2007, at 22:49:33
In reply to Hi all, posted by antigua on March 18, 2007, at 20:18:20
Posted by annierose on March 19, 2007, at 22:22:48
In reply to Hi all, posted by antigua on March 18, 2007, at 20:18:20
Thanks for checking in with us. You have certainly been on a journey with your therapist. Sometimes a break feels like the best solution, and maybe you are more motivated to work through some of the stuff when you go back. It's complicated.I'm glad that you are feeling better. That's the best news of all.
Thank you for sharing and continued good luck with therapy.
Posted by Daisym on March 20, 2007, at 1:02:54
In reply to Hi all, posted by antigua on March 18, 2007, at 20:18:20
I'm glad you are feeling so much better. I miss you here though.
I often think of you describing your therapist's office in her home. I have this whole picture built in my mind about the garden path and her dog. Don't wreck it for me if this isn't true! :)
I've toyed with the idea of hypnosis but it scares me. I go south so quickly sometimes. And the wee-ones just pop out. I can't imagine what might happen if I wasn't totally in control. (another fantasy to leave alone.)
I'm sorry you had a falling out with your therapist, but I know you've had a long standing relationship so I trust you'll both get to a better place. I'm sort of surprised that you can have such a crisis after so long. I was hoping I'd be done with all of that in a few years.
Anyway, I'm so glad you are feeling btter.
Thanks for sharing.
Warm hugs,
Daisy
Posted by antigua on March 20, 2007, at 8:30:39
In reply to Re: Hi all » antigua, posted by Daisym on March 20, 2007, at 1:02:54
Thanks for responding, and thanks for your post below. Good ideas.
You know, I don't think of it as having a falling out with my therapist. I think of it more as teenage rebellion. I've been with her for almost 16 years and she has taught me so much (like a good mother) and I just think I was trying to spread my own wings and not rely on her so much. I know that I still have mother issues, but I'm thinking that I will work them out with my own mother instead of the T. My T is a lovely woman, and your fantasy of her office and dog is really correct, and I think we are coming to termination. Maybe not this year, but I've gone to every other week. I know I still need her, but the ache is gone.
I had a pdoc appt last night and he fessed up to pushing me deliberately last time when he said there was no little girl, there was just me. I was upset when he denied the little girl, but he says he was pushing me toward full integration and thought I was ready for it. I'm not sure he was right--the little girl is definitely still with me and no matter what he says, I respect her needs and wishes, but I try not to let her control my life. I mean the self destructive part--I won't let her be self destructive anymore because it's not to either of our advantages, but I still see her as separate.
Your comments about hypnosis are right on. I never really let go because of the fear, and mostly because of the fear of the anger that I thought would emerge and overwhelm me. But as I said, I learned some great coping techniques and I take them with me.
I don't know if I will ever let go, but that's my cross to bear. But my pdoc said something really interesting to me yesterday. I have always been under the impression that the shame had to be healed at the childish level, but he says that comes later, with the integration. That I was trying to heal the child with my adult brain and not the child's. It makes sense to me because I'm always anyalzing everything to death, but I know that I'm still too afraid to let the little girl completely open up. And I'll just have to live with it, as long as it doesn't interfere with my life or my emotions.
Iknow you're having such a tough time again and I'm sorry about that. But it will get better, I promise you. It just takes a long time, and we all move at our own pace. Your T is wonderful and your feelings for him are very valid and I'm glad he respects that. If I didn't have my T, I'd like to have yours!
In some ways, I feel like I'm re-enacting my childhood with my T and pdoc, who is a male. I'm not attracted to my pdoc, although he is young and cute (too young, he still has a lot to learn!), but he does represent the authority figure of my father to me. But I can stand up to him, and he's not always right. My T is more like the nurturing mother, not quite ready to let me go. Just like I am with my own children.
Ask me next month how I feel. All I know is that I'm writing and working again, and I haven't felt like doing that in years.
Write whenever. I always love to hear from you,
antigua
Posted by antigua on March 20, 2007, at 8:32:19
In reply to Re: Hi all » antigua, posted by annierose on March 19, 2007, at 22:22:48
Thanks for your support. It means a lot to me to know that other people understand. That's why I love babble. We can talk about these things and people are so non-judgmental. We are all different, but we have an outlet with people who really understand.
take care,
antigua
Posted by Iwillsurvive on March 20, 2007, at 11:18:39
In reply to Re: Hi all » Daisym, posted by antigua on March 20, 2007, at 8:30:39
>I had a pdoc appt last night and he fessed up to pushing me deliberately last time when he said there was no little girl, there was just me. I was upset when he denied the little girl, but he says he was pushing me toward full integration and thought I was ready for it. I'm not sure he was right--the little girl is definitely still with me and no matter what he says, I respect her needs and wishes, but I try not to let her control my life. I mean the self destructive part--I won't let her be self destructive anymore because it's not to either of our advantages, but I still see her as separate.
**I have inside people. Mt T has mentioned the I-word, and I HATE it.
I dunno much, but from where I at now, I-word is BAD.
You don't listen to that man.
Kid can be herself.
Thats what I say anyways.
Sounds like you being good to her. Thats nice :)
Posted by Iwillsurvive on March 20, 2007, at 14:13:11
In reply to Re: Hi all » Daisym, posted by antigua on March 20, 2007, at 8:30:39
I have always been under the impression that the shame had to be healed at the childish level, but he says that comes later, with the integration. That I was trying to heal the child with my adult brain and not the child's. It makes sense to me because I'm always anyalzing everything to death, but I know that I'm still too afraid to let the little girl completely open up. And I'll just have to live with it, as long as it doesn't interfere with my life or my emotions.
*I won't let kid talk neither.
But can you explain bout healing the shame ?
I didn't get it that part.
So longs it don't bother you, sorry I mentioned it if so.
Thank you.
Posted by antigua on March 20, 2007, at 15:18:00
In reply to Nuther question » antigua, posted by Iwillsurvive on March 20, 2007, at 14:13:11
no, I'm happy to answer. My pdoc says the shame doesn't heal to later, or even last, I guess, when we've come to terms w/everything, settled it, put it where it goes so we can live a happier life. He said plain and clearly that the shame heals with integration. I see my T tomorrow and I'll let you know if she thinks that's right because it sounds kind of odd to me, too. I guess the little kid isn't capable of healing the shame???? I don't know, but i'll let you know what she says.
antigua
Posted by Iwillsurvive on March 20, 2007, at 15:58:14
In reply to Re: Nuther question » Iwillsurvive, posted by antigua on March 20, 2007, at 15:18:00
This is the end of the thread.
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