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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by gazo on May 4, 2007, at 10:58:58
i have been feeling so low.. and no big surprise considering my situation.. but something is wrong with me physically too which makes me really tired and that doesn't help. Lying around so much just makes me feel even lower.. sooner or later depression will set in if it hasn't begun already. i think it has.
i feel like a bad person. i read about all the comfort and closeness everyone seems to get with their T's and i am jealous. My T is a very nice guy, very smart and all of that. i think he will do a good job with me as far as figuring out my garbage. But i don't think we'll be close like that.
He asked me just once about whether i was safe. He has never called just to see if i was ok. He is a great guy but i just don't think he operates that way or something.
i know too that i am not the sort of person people want to be close to. Online it's easier to be friendly.. IRL i try but i fail i guess. No one seems to want me. i have often thought that if i did die i wonder how long it would take before someone would even notice?
maybe he just doesn't want to be close with *me*
i listen to his voicemail over and over... evn though it's just about scheduling around his trip away. His voice soothes me. i'd love to have a message from him meant just to calm me down. But i won't ask.. i can't because i don't feel i matter to him. How could i? Even if i did eventually, right now we have only seen each other 6 times.
But even so.. i don't think he'll ever care the way a lot of your T's seem to. They seem to think about you sometimes and wonder how you are... i think mine is a caring person.. and i don't think he sees me as just a payment... but i don't think that deeper closeness will ever be there. Partly because i just don't think he is like that, partly because i don't think he would ever want to care that much about me - i don't ever matter that much to anyone... does that make sense?
There might be some people who would feel bad if i died, or they might occasionally think about me... but there wouldn't be a hole in anyone's life where i used to be.
i feel like a very bad person for feeling jealous. It's a precious thing you have and i want it. That is just plain wrong.
i know no one wants me, and i am not even that puzzled by it.. i am not that want-able.. even when i try hard. EVeryone remembers my name because i am splashy.. but no one remembers to call, or come see me or even to want me around. No one calls to see if i am ok, or even safe.
i am nothing to anyone.
and even though i wish i could grab that caring from you... i am glad you have it and that no one really can take it from you, not even me.
Posted by peddidle on May 4, 2007, at 12:20:26
In reply to jealousy and meaninglessness, posted by gazo on May 4, 2007, at 10:58:58
I am sorry you don't feel that connection with your T. Remember, though, that you have only met with him 6 times. I don't know about anyone else, but it took a lot longer than that before I felt the deep connection that I have with my T. I had the same strong feelings you are having now, at that time, as well. I'm sorry, I don't know how to explain them or how to make them better, except to say that I know how it feels. Don't give up. You say you like your T, and that he is a nice person. That's pretty much how I would have described my T after 6 sessions. You may still get that special relationship with your T, but it takes a long, long time.
I could be wrong, but based on what you've written, I think a lot of the feelings and thoughts you are having right now are related to your depression. I know that we would all miss you if you were gone, and, no, it wouldn't take us long to notice.
This is probably a stupid suggestion (I'm just full of bad advice today), but how would you feel about printing out your post for your T to read. You can edit out the parts that make you feel uncomfortable, like the part about you wanting a voicemail from him. I would love to have a message like that from my T, but I would be terrified to ask for one. You don't even have to tell him it's a babble post, you can just say you wanted him to understand some stuff, and you thought it would be easier to write it down. You can even ask him to read it when you aren't there. It might be helpful for him to know how you are feeling in general, not necessarily about him specifically.
If it makes you feel any better, yes, I have an amazing T, and I wouldn't trade her for anything in the world, but I only get to see her during the school year. My last appointment is on Monday, and then, I suppose I could email her once in a while, but I won't see her again until late August/early September.
I hope you feel better. Take care.
Posted by muffled on May 4, 2007, at 14:21:02
In reply to jealousy and meaninglessness, posted by gazo on May 4, 2007, at 10:58:58
> i have been feeling so low.. and no big surprise
**((Gazo))
> i feel like a bad person. i read about all the comfort and closeness everyone seems to get with their T's and i am jealous. My T is a very nice guy, very smart and all of that. i think he will do a good job with me as far as figuring out my garbage. But i don't think we'll be close like that.**I trust my T, she's great, but close? I dunno....
>
> He asked me just once about whether i was safe. He has never called just to see if i was ok. He is a great guy but i just don't think he operates that way or something.**My T will not call unless I ask her. Lotsa times I've hinted...but no go. I have to be pretty plain about it...
>
> i know too that i am not the sort of person people want to be close to. Online it's easier to be friendly.. IRL i try but i fail i guess. No one seems to want me. i have often thought that if i did die i wonder how long it would take before someone would even notice?**I don't want to be close to noone...scares me. But part of what I wanted to accomplish in T was to be better at talking to people IRL, and I AM. So this is the thing, other parents I think actually hang together some...but not me. But what I have come to realize is that I COULD hang with them, *I* could initiate going for coffee or whatever, and they would come at least some of the times. But I don't, cuz I don't want to. So I don't get called to do stuff w/others, but I now no longer beleive its because of a deficit on my part, its because I give off 'don't get too close' vibes, or body language or whatever. Most of the parents seem to be OK with me, some no doubt think I'm a bit rough, but others are OK. And nowadays I truly don't give a crap bout those that don't like me, cuz I know there's those who do accept me. So anyhow, its easier for me, cuz I got kids in elementary school, and so have the opportunity to interact after school, playdates, volunteering etc. I don't honestly know where I'd intereact otherwise. The school thing is easy and non threatening. I don't interact at church. So I dunno what I trying to say, other than I think maybe a person has to maybe reach out themselves, and be an initiator of stuff, rather than think others will come to them. There's nice people out there IRL. Maybe volunteering in something you have an interest in would help to find some friends. Cuz I just don't think its just you Gazo.
>
> maybe he just doesn't want to be close with *me***T's need to keep a certain distance for the most part. Thats whazt boundaries are about. I LIKE boundaries, no, I LOVE boundaries. I used to hate them and chafe against them, but now I know that I need them to do T, they keep me safe, they keep my T safe too.
>
> i listen to his voicemail over and over... evn though it's just about scheduling around his trip away. His voice soothes me. i'd love to have a message from him meant just to calm me down. But i won't ask.. i can't because i don't feel i matter to him. How could i? Even if i did eventually, right now we have only seen each other 6 times.***Aaaargh! I haven't phoned EITHER!!!! Yet...hmmmmm....
And didn't you drop a letter in the end?!?
>
> But even so.. i don't think he'll ever care the way a lot of your T's seem to. They seem to think about you sometimes and wonder how you are... i think mine is a caring person.. and i don't think he sees me as just a payment... but i don't think that deeper closeness will ever be there. Partly because i just don't think he is like that, partly because i don't think he would ever want to care that much about me - i don't ever matter that much to anyone... does that make sense?**You matter. And its a two way street. And relationships are BUILT. Takes time. IRL and in T.(not two way street in T however, but the builing relationship thing...)
>
> There might be some people who would feel bad if i died, or they might occasionally think about me... but there wouldn't be a hole in anyone's life where i used to be.**Sigh. I think there would be sadness. And there would be a hole in the WORLD w/o Gazo. What of the people you can help? What of the love you have inside to share with someone else who needs it? There would be a hole w/o Gazo.
>
> i feel like a very bad person for feeling jealous. It's a precious thing you have and i want it. That is just plain wrong.**Its a bit of a double edged sword I think Gazo, these T relationships. Really, I am at the point where I just want to get the work done and over with and get on with my life as best as I am able. I guess I am lucky, cuz what I do is keep reviewing the progress i have made in T. Some things might not seem much to some, but its a big deal to me. And when you add it all up, I HAVE made progress. BIG progress.
I am trying to NOT be attached to T, cuz being attached hurts....
>
> i know no one wants me, and i am not even that puzzled by it.. i am not that want-able.. even when i try hard. EVeryone remembers my name because i am splashy.. but no one remembers to call, or come see me or even to want me around. No one calls to see if i am ok, or even safe.**Oh Gazo you shush!!!! You ARE SO wantable!!! Its just you can't see it yet. You haven't found the right people. Noone calls me either. Not even my T. I don't care. Cuz I do know fortunately, that my T IS there....(specially when I listen to her messages!!!!!!ad nauseum!!!! LOL!)
>
> i am nothing to anyone.**Well your something to me, within the limitations of the internet...and like I said, your something to the world. We all have something we can contribute, even if its just opening a door or smiling at someone. It all COUNTS. Lotsa times, mebbe most of the times, its all the cumulative little good things that make life good. Not just the big woweees.
>
> and even though i wish i could grab that caring from you... i am glad you have it and that no one really can take it from you, not even me.**You don't have to grab someone elses, there is caring out there for you too. Somewhere. And as I have found, with T, I am being better able to see it, and find it, and mebbe even one day I can accept it towards me without fear and suspicion.....
Take care ((Gazo)) you special woozle.
Muffled
Posted by LadyBug on May 4, 2007, at 15:59:36
In reply to jealousy and meaninglessness, posted by gazo on May 4, 2007, at 10:58:58
gazo
Don't be so hard on yourself. I think you're awesome. You've been so responsive to everyone here. I know with me, it took a few years to actually realize how much my T meant to me. And now, I really feel a connection to her. I understand what you mean about wanting a voice mail so you can listen to it. Tell him, I'm sure it won't be the first time he's had that request. I often call my T when I want her to return my call and leave me a voice mail. At night when I can't sleep, I will listen to her messages. Or if ever I'm feeling down and have some time to myself I will listen to my messages. My heart hurts for you. I wish I could reach through the screen and give you a hug! I hope you can get to a better spot, one that isn't so painful. I know how it feels, and and I'm sorry for you.
Hugs
LadyBug
Posted by sunnydays on May 4, 2007, at 16:04:22
In reply to jealousy and meaninglessness, posted by gazo on May 4, 2007, at 10:58:58
As I recall, you've been seeing your T a very short time. It took me probably a year before I started really feeling his caring about me. Give it some time. I think you're pushing yourself really hard and might be trying to rush it a little. Relax into the relationship, and let it happen, if you can.
sunnydays
Posted by Dinah on May 4, 2007, at 16:55:05
In reply to jealousy and meaninglessness, posted by gazo on May 4, 2007, at 10:58:58
I do understand the feelings of urgency, but these things do take time. And I can understand that, on both sides. It's a difficult job to be emotionally available to people who do leave, and usually quite soon.
On a related topic, I reminded my therapist today about how he made a relaxation tape for me, and he was quite emphatic that that was a perfectly acceptable thing to ask for. That asking for a guided relaxation tape or a tape to remind you what to do in distress management was not asking for anything outside of a therapist's expectations.
So, in case you do get up the courage to ask, that's one therapist who thinks it's an entirely reasonable request.
Posted by canadagirl on May 4, 2007, at 18:13:34
In reply to jealousy and meaninglessness, posted by gazo on May 4, 2007, at 10:58:58
Hi gazo, I really liked Muffled's post to you. I just want to add, you are still doing "crisis" work right? Well when you get into the schema stuff (he seems to want to still do that right?) you will see...you will see how much he cares. That schema therapy is BUILT for caring relationships between T and client! OK! It was invented for it! Have I convinced you yet??? No? Well one day I will tell you my story. Keep doing the best you can, and by the way there's nothing wrong with wanting a caring relationship. That's perfectly natural and normal. In real life, sometimes we have to fill our own cup first and get what we need, then we are ready to give and that also can attract others to us.
Posted by Happyflower on May 4, 2007, at 21:30:56
In reply to Re: jealousy and meaninglessness, posted by muffled on May 4, 2007, at 14:21:02
It took a long time to develop the relationship I have with my T. It hasn't been all that long for you and your new T, give time a chance. ;-)
Posted by DisTraught on May 5, 2007, at 5:28:57
In reply to jealousy and meaninglessness, posted by gazo on May 4, 2007, at 10:58:58
I'm so sorry you feel bad, gazo. If your T really is schema, you'll understand and connect with him. Although feeling that no one really cares and KNOWING that noone cares aren't the same, it's still the pits when you're in that state of mind. I wish you peace of mind.
If you haven't read Young's book Reinventing Your Life, go for it:)
Penny
Posted by Daisym on May 5, 2007, at 23:27:37
In reply to jealousy and meaninglessness, posted by gazo on May 4, 2007, at 10:58:58
I don't think you are a bad person for feeling jealous or wanting what sounds safe and special. Sometimes I feel that way - or I see a couple that is really connected to each other and it makes me ache. I've watched my best friend's husband look across a room at a party to find out where she is -- and he will watch her with so much love on his face...and then she'll look over and just smile at him. *sigh* I want that too.
It takes awhile to figure out what you need from your therapist and then awhile longer to gather the courage to ask for it. And some therapists are more willing to do some things and others, other things. Mine doesn't hug, sometimes I wish he did. But he calls...and that works for us.
I often feel like *I* don't matter - what I do matters, my functions matter. But the me that is me, doesn't. It is a long struggle to change that belief. You matter here, know at least that.
Posted by Dinah on May 6, 2007, at 9:59:12
In reply to Re: jealousy and meaninglessness » gazo, posted by Daisym on May 5, 2007, at 23:27:37
> I often feel like *I* don't matter - what I do matters, my functions matter. But the me that is me, doesn't. It is a long struggle to change that belief. You matter here, know at least that.
I'm not sure I'll ever be able to change that belief. Not about myself.
This is the end of the thread.
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