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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on August 30, 2007, at 18:14:27
I spent a lot of time with my last T talking about my family in all of its f*ckupedness. I got a lot of things sorted out in my mind, including the fact that little llurpsie was abused by dad, subjected to the ongoing violence of her parent's abusive relationship, and then abused by bro as an adolescent.
I never told my T this stuff though. I kind of gave him a few paradigmatic examples. Recited dispassionately, since I've already "reprocessed" them, or whatever velveeta cheese metaphor psychologists think of next. Maybe I recited them with such flat affect because I was dissociating. yep. that happened too. GOT a BIG dissociation episode but kept on talking, although, there was a minute of silence and lala land during one session. T said he thought I might be having some problems staying present (um? you think?)
There was one session of these dispassionate "here's a review of Llurpsie's therapy history" in which I told him some horrible episode and then said "but I don't feel it. shrug. I can't feel it at all. Means nothing to me, because there's no emotions there" and then T paused and said "it's okay, Llurpsie, because *I* can feel it" ((((t)))) that was a really cool thing to say.
So, now I find that my immediate stressors (i.e. lack of employment and lack of intellectual and social stimulation) are behind me. I'm able to get out there and do things that I couldn't have even dreamed of a month ago.
I feel the old stuff is pressing again, but I don't WANT to deal with it. I just want things to continue on their merry way. I ask T for employment advice, or where I should work out, or ways to get out of the house, ways to reconnect with h. But it's time.
I know it's time because I heard a few words today that made me tune out for a minute. I'm getting better at pulling myself out of the dissociation, and preparing myself adequately for the types of things that likely trigger me. Stronger Llurpsie. Still, kids movies make me lose it. Contemplating abuse or violence makes me lose it. At least I'm no longer reliving it in 4-d technicolor flashbacks though. Thank GOD for antipsychotics.
I wonder if the drugs are helping me or hindering my self-exploration.
I think it's time for me to start preparing for the next phase of therapy. That means journalling. Reflecting upon the denied past. not wearing mascara to sessions.
*******
ENOUGH (or enuf, a la muffled) of my silly rambling. Is it dumb to try to steer therapy like I think I may be doing? Well, my T has enough experience to steer me back if I go too far, but... I don't wanna make myself crazy.-Ll
Posted by TherapyGirl on August 30, 2007, at 19:05:50
In reply to do I talk about my family of origin? **abuse trig*, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on August 30, 2007, at 18:14:27
I think it's smart to steer therapy, Llurpsie. And if you trust your T to steer you back, then I think you shouldn't worry.
You have a lot on your plate. I'm impressed with the way you're handling it.
I know you will make the best decision for you.
Posted by DAisym on August 30, 2007, at 20:05:45
In reply to do I talk about my family of origin? **abuse trig*, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on August 30, 2007, at 18:14:27
Gosh - there are so many conflicting things I want to say to you.
I guess first -- nope, you don't HAVE to drag it all out and "deal" with it, whatever the he$$ that means! (I keep demanding a definition for dealing with stuf and working through it. How thick is this wall I'm working through?!) I think allowing yourself some stability for awhile is really an OK thing to do. Just because you feel together right now doesn't mean you have to push yourself so hard. It seems to me that you've felt shakey on and off, so this might not be time to get into this work.
OR - it might. If things are pushing up, and it sounds like they might be, you can let them come up. But you need (please do this) to create some safety for yourself. This means having a support network, a solid therapy schedule, meds and an emergency plan. It means being willing to take it a little at a time and not push through it to "prove" to yourself or anyone else that you can. (This is the hardest lesson for me to remember, though I believe it whole heartly for someone else.) Telling the stories might mean telling them a bunch of different ways - without emotion, with tears, with anger, with understanding, with shame and with disbelief. I sometimes feel like I'm boring my therapist to death with the same stuff over and over again. But he says he hears something different each time. And we work on different dark corners a little at a time.
So how is that for rotten advice? Don't do it or Do it...But I think this is something you really should talk with your therapist about at length. What are the things that are likely to happen, for you, when you begin to feel these memories. And the answer maybe be that you don't really have a choice - they are coming up no matter what you do.
I'm sorry for little Lurpsie and what she suffered. I'm not trying to silence her, just protect her a little. I love what your therapist said - it really was very cool.
Posted by Happyflower 1 :-) on August 30, 2007, at 20:24:21
In reply to do I talk about my family of origin? **abuse trig*, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on August 30, 2007, at 18:14:27
Llupsie,
You wrote something that I am kinda wondering about. You said stuff has happened, but you don't feel it. I am like that too. Do you think that in order for us to survive we had to surpress that stuff? And we have done it for so long that we no longer feel it? I just don't know, but I guess it must mean something.
Posted by RealMe on August 30, 2007, at 22:07:38
In reply to do I talk about my family of origin? **abuse trig*, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on August 30, 2007, at 18:14:27
Well I don't think the meds are hindering you. Most of the time, I just talk about horrific stuff in a matter of fact tone of voice. Last session when I was talking about why can't he say if he likes me or not, my therapist, he wouldn't answer me and said he needed to know more about what was behind my question. Why is this coming up, and why is it important. I must have had a funny look on my face, and he asked me if I didn't have the answer in my heart and my gut. I was puzzled, and he said for me to get out of my head and go to my heart. I had a hard time, and he then wondered if I just couldn't go there. I tried, and I was able to get out of my damn head and "felt" yes he does like me, and I said this is what I felt, and he acknowledged this was so, that he does like me.
I guess I say this because I know I need to get out of my head in order to deal with painful stuff, and that means I go to my gut and heart and leave all the "mind-fxxking" behind. So easy to be rational and logical. But it is getting in the way. Tomorrow morning I will try to go to my heart and gut, and I think I can as I did a dry run by myself in the bathroom last night. Crap, how stupid is that. "Lets see; can I think about the past with emotion?" Yes, but it is awful painful, and I had becoming a blubbering idiot in therapy. I have told him I never cry, and I hate that I have with him. He said, "but it is okay; this is the place" or something to that effect. AGGGGGH.
So, can you get out of your head???
Take care and have fun with your class/classes and whatever else is part of your postdoc.
RealMe
(OzLand)
Posted by muffled on August 30, 2007, at 22:11:20
In reply to do I talk about my family of origin? **abuse trig*, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on August 30, 2007, at 18:14:27
>Is it dumb to try to steer therapy like I think I may be doing? Well, my T has enough experience to steer me back if I go too far, but... I don't wanna make myself crazy.
**Well, my T wish I WOULD provide more input....
Yes, in the past I would say you pushed yourself pretty darn hard, but you made it thru.
That article alex linked to was interesting, my T is going to read it. Have you read it?
Its very good, and FREE. There a video presentation too.
Take it easy.
You the best judge of how you handling stuff....
And ya got babble....
Take good care,
M
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on August 31, 2007, at 11:17:49
In reply to Re: do I talk about my family of origin? » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by muffled on August 30, 2007, at 22:11:20
Daisym is right. I do need to create safety and a backup plan. I think that is falling into place neatly by now.
I remember my first T used to ask me to FEEL stuff all the time. Told me that my depression was a consequence of not allowing myself to have emotions. So, whenever I talked about hard stuff I had a LOT of emotional messiness. I was a wreck. The babble archives will attest to that.
Since then therapy has been easier. not easy, but easier. I still miss the first T though. He was pretty tough on me. Part of me likes that. Kind of forcing me to go the next step. But that was designed as short-term therapy. Maybe the course of treatment is different now that I'm in long-term therapy. I am still learning how this all works.
I will respond to you all personally next time I have a computer available. I'm on vacation this weekend. Had some problems at the airport. It triggered me and I found myself having that "trapped" in space feeling. Didn't feel safe. I HATE that. like I'm preparing to go to the gallows or something. I used to LOVE flying. Well, that's what 2.5 years of long-distance marriage will do to someone.
I forgot my knitting too. That's my typical agitation activity. that and pacing.
I'm gonna go back to pacing now.
take care you guys
love,
-Ll
Posted by Racer on August 31, 2007, at 13:08:53
In reply to I dunno **triggers** past work on the trauma, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on August 31, 2007, at 11:17:49
>
> I forgot my knitting too. That's my typical agitation activity. that and pacing.
>
>It's amazing how therapeutic that can be, isn't it? I knit through board meetings now, because it's the only thing that keeps me from alternately digging my teeth into certain throats or bursting into great gulping sobs like a heartbroken three year old. At first, I tried to be polite, but now -- forget it. It takes just enough concentration that I can be there through all the annoyance.
Of course, I also knit through many of my classes. And in doctors' waiting rooms. And standing at the counter at the vet's office. And when I'm most anxious, well, I knit... I even have different projects for different anxiety levels! They're in ZipLoc bags, ready to go. Sometimes I have two or three projects in my school bag, in case my anxiety level varies...
I hope you enjoy your vacation.
Posted by -LlurpsieNoodle on September 4, 2007, at 19:38:56
In reply to Re: I dunno **triggers** past work on the trauma, posted by Racer on August 31, 2007, at 13:08:53
> >
> > I forgot my knitting too. That's my typical agitation activity. that and pacing.
> >
> >
>
> It's amazing how therapeutic that can be, isn't it? I knit through board meetings now, because it's the only thing that keeps me from alternately digging my teeth into certain throats or bursting into great gulping sobs like a heartbroken three year old. At first, I tried to be polite, but now -- forget it. It takes just enough concentration that I can be there through all the annoyance.
>
> Of course, I also knit through many of my classes. And in doctors' waiting rooms. And standing at the counter at the vet's office. And when I'm most anxious, well, I knit... I even have different projects for different anxiety levels! They're in ZipLoc bags, ready to go. Sometimes I have two or three projects in my school bag, in case my anxiety level varies...
>MEEE TOOOOO!
I have a scarf- knitted only, and also a tea cozy, which is in a waffle k2p2. Now it's time for decreases, so it's only for "high cognitive" days.I would like to make another pair of handwarmers, like fingerless long gloves. My one pair is so cozy, and much more practical than I anticipated.
and if it comes out too goofy, I can always felt something out of it?
-Ll
> I hope you enjoy your vacation.
This is the end of the thread.
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