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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by anotherpam on September 7, 2007, at 1:15:11
I just started working after 20 years. I have a hard time because I still, after years of therapy, don't know how to be "me". I can't hide anymore at home. It is exhausting, frustrating and lonely to have no idea who to be when a therapist or friend says; "just be yourself". WHAT is myself and how do I figure out how to do me? anyone have some ideas or something helpful so I don't quit this job also. I leave work hating myself so much. It isn't them; it's me. anotherpam
Posted by wellzine5 on September 7, 2007, at 9:02:38
In reply to work; relationships and inconsistent personality, posted by anotherpam on September 7, 2007, at 1:15:11
Hi anotherpam! I hope this helps..."We create multiple selves in an ongoing manner through our relationships with many different people. All people progressively modify and reinvent their public personas. We create different characters to respond to different situations and change ourselves in the process. We socially constuct ourselves through the roles we enact." - R. F. Verderber.
So you could "just be yourself" but create different characters to respond to different situations. You can enact the role of a sibling, student, parent, patient, friend, worker, or even a support group member. If you were to ask yourself who is the real "you," I believe all of them are. As a worker, we might be confident, efficient, productive, and agreeable. As a friend, we might be less concerned with time, and cuss occasionally. As a patient, we might listen more than we talk...or is it the other way around :)...Well, I guess you know what I mean. We continue to create and change ourselves by our interactions and how others react to those interactions. As you can see, I am now enacting the role of Mr."know-it-all." :)... Well, maybe supportive group member :) Best of luck to "you!" - wellzine5
> I just started working after 20 years. I have a hard time because I still, after years of therapy, don't know how to be "me". I can't hide anymore at home. It is exhausting, frustrating and lonely to have no idea who to be when a therapist or friend says; "just be yourself". WHAT is myself and how do I figure out how to do me? anyone have some ideas or something helpful so I don't quit this job also. I leave work hating myself so much. It isn't them; it's me. anotherpam
Posted by Deus_Abscondis on September 8, 2007, at 10:10:06
In reply to work; relationships and inconsistent personality, posted by anotherpam on September 7, 2007, at 1:15:11
Hi anotherpam,
great question - this one has had me stumped as well. My recent dabblings in Buddhism and meditation is that my self is ultimately underpinned by nothing.
The circumstances of my childhood and upbringing has meant I haven't established strong ego boundaries. I am in the words of one pdoc a chameleon and will change my colours to please
often at my own expense and detriment.
Fortunately, I don't have a strong trait to directly manipulate others to my own ends without a conscience. I have a great deal of difficulty dealing with work colleagues who are in authority and are psychopaths. Often they get the better of me before I wake up and because I am gullible and initially complaint it becomes difficult to insert new boundaries or shift them after the fact.I think one way of looking at yourself is to try and identify personality traits and values or preferences. There are heaps of personality tests (online) that you can 'play' with and see if any results resonate with you.
What values do you hold to - how do these define you? How do values you chose to behave by influence strategies and behaviors when dealing with others?
What aspects of your character has perdured over your life? Are these aspects of your character ones that you admire in yourself, are they strengths or ones that you don't like so much or perceive to be weaknesses.
Another approach is to ask trusted people you know to tell you what qualities they perceive in you - you may need to implore them to give the negative ones and you should be prepared to hear things that you might not like.
It is a big challenge to re-enter the workplace after such a long break, well done!
Self loathing is I think more common than I think people might know. It's not a very nice emotion to have. You have the right to be you as anyone else has the right to be and that includes some self doubt - it's not just a weakness; people who are overly self assured and stiff can be difficult and unproductive - having some fuzzy edges means you can adapt - don't let others exploit that you might not have made your mind up about every aspect aspect of your being.
Self confidence also comes in knowing ones skills and competencies.
Satre said 'hell is other people' but self acceptance is just that bit easier if someone accepts you for who you are not just what you can do. Being for others can be disturbing if you don't define yourself independently of them.
You are more than the sum total of your experiences and the conditioning that you have adopted but reviewing these can help you move forward. We are all in the process of becoming.
Cheers
D
Posted by anotherpam on September 9, 2007, at 1:03:50
In reply to Re: work; relationships and inconsistent personali, posted by Deus_Abscondis on September 8, 2007, at 10:10:06
Thanks Deus. What you said was helpful to me and I might even copy it and reread waht you said. I guess it was also comforting because I can see you get what I was expressing; that in and of itself is everything in life for me; but being acceptable and accepted by others has meant I change to comply with their views. This is making me acceptable beause of what I do; not who I am. That makes sense to me.You wrote: "Being for others can be disturbing if you don't define yourself independently of them." It is exhausting and I learned this behavior almost as an infant. I have a huge history of abuse and I am conditioned to deal with my feelings by how I feel or am when with certain people. Yes, i have abilities and itnerests that are constant and I like that. What I keep changing is whether I am sullen; silly; energetic; talkative; mute; contemplative; funny; flirty; prudish; knowledgable or ignorant. Knowing that others do the same; that somehow my past is not something that I have to irradicate to have connections, but that can be just a part of who I am; that would ease my life up a bit. I keep sensing that I have to be someone that wasn't abused; that I am consistent; that doesn't crave a way to feel better; that is always on task; etc etc. Statistically, I should be an addict; and divorced more than once. I am depressed so that's inline with "normal" for me. I want to be one of the normal, attractive, popular and self confident people that go out after work; have friends over, etc. I don't like being alone and meaningless; so serious; etc. I don't like my lifestyle at all. For me, it is pointless. i was told not to make friends in the hospital becuase in it, we are safe; outside, the relationships could be detrimental to our recovery and therapy. I can see that, but I dont' think anyone will ever be able to understand and tolerate me if they haven't dealt with their hard core issues or if they never had any to begin with.
I get a lot of adivice not to be so negative etc. I am falling asleep; I'm probably making no sense. It's 1 am! good night; ill write when I am coherent someday. thanks for your ideas!
what I want in any situation is the sense of being alive; if I am with people, I don't look for perfection but for connection so it is mutual. My marriage anhialated my sense of being real but it is so hard to explain. I want to recover but it'll take a while.
Posted by DAisym on September 9, 2007, at 14:26:01
In reply to Re: work; relationships and inconsistent personali, posted by Deus_Abscondis on September 8, 2007, at 10:10:06
I'd like to add that sometimes being your "real" self with everyone isn't advisable. There are reasons for social norms and "rules" of conduct. Conforming to these doesn't mean you've shed who you are, it means you understand that there is a place and time for everything. Learning to protect yourself is a good skill, which might mean "hiding" the more vulnerable parts of yourself in certain situations or from certain people. There is this notion that has grown that we are betraying ourselves if we aren't authentic 100% of the time. I think it is impossible to meet this standard and we end up beat ourselves up over yet another thing.
Sometimes it is OK to just want to fit in. And EVERYONE has mood swings, bad days and unreasonable reactions to things at one time or another.
And as a survivor, I think we assume that everyone else is comfortable (or perhaps more comfortable) with these mood shifts and social situations than we are, especially if we are working hard to not appear as an abused person. (whatever that might look like.) I'm learning this is a false notion of mine. Other people have tons of social anxiety and worry a lot about who they really are. They just keep it private.
I can really relate to your struggle but perhaps you are harder on yourself than your coworkers?
This is the end of the thread.
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