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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on September 7, 2007, at 1:30:36
So, today's subject was Transference. And my T even talked to me about how hard it was to keep me in a feeling place, instead of letting me roam back to AvoiDanceVille. (She even told me she had talked to her own therapist about me today!)
Ever since that blasted missed appointment, I've been feeling so needy, and that brings up all sorts of horrible things for me. I can hear the times my mother told me that I was too needy, and it drove everyone away from me. And let's not talk about my taste in relationships that recreated that sort of thing... So, we talked about that today -- that my intellect can say, "Well, isn't that interesting -- the people who told me that I was too needy and drove them away, were some of the most selfish and narcissistic people I know!" But there's still that part of me that says, "If I let anyone know that I need something, I'll never get it." And there's the other part that says, "The only way to make sure your needs don't go unmet is -- not to have needs." (Sometimes my husband says, "oh, if you can do that yourself, I guess you won't need me anymore..." I have to remind him that I'd much rather WANT him than NEED him.)
This is so damned frightening! I told her today that part of me, last week, wanted to run away and call her to say I wasn't coming back to therapy. As much as a client can know a therapist, I know my T is Good People. She may even be the Queen of the Good People. I know that she cares about me, I know that she likes me -- two different things, really -- and I know that she wants to help me. I know that she would never do something to hurt me -- and that if she does something which does hurt me, she feels bad about it. She's just plain Good People. And it's still terrifying.
I'm still so afraid of pushing people away by being too needy, that this feeling right now, of needing my T, has me nearly shaking. Yeah, I know it's good, it's the way it's supposed to work -- but I don't like it!
Make it go away!
I don't know what else to say about it. I suspect it's going to be a topic for weeks to come.
Posted by seldomseen on September 7, 2007, at 8:15:26
In reply to Ugh! That T word again -- not tintinabulation..., posted by Racer on September 7, 2007, at 1:30:36
I've been dealing with this same issue a lot lately.
You're right, it requires a lot of work to process how you view being needy, how you ask for what you need and how you react when you don't get it (even if you ask).
I always seem to translate not getting what I need from people (especially when I get the guts to ask) into some catastrophic deficiency about myself. I feel like I am a horrible burden to people sometimes.
So I just end up blowing the whole needy thing into a question of whether or not I MERIT getting what I need.
So, I go along, convinced that I don't need anything from anybody and that needing something is devilish, because the consequences of NOT getting it are so bad.
But I have an inkling - just an inkling mind you - that I'm thinking about this incorrectly.
I beginning to see that as a human being we have an absolute right to ask for and get what we need from the people in our lives. We deserved to get it from our parents - although we may not have.
What I'm working on is viewing the consequences of not getting what I need from people as less a question of MY deficiencies. I'm hoping it will take away some of the catastrophic nature of NOT getting it.
I hope my thoughts on this help you because I know how this can weigh on a person, but I'm afraid this may have gotten a little rambly.
Take good care
Seldom
Posted by Dinah on September 7, 2007, at 9:46:30
In reply to Ugh! That T word again -- not tintinabulation..., posted by Racer on September 7, 2007, at 1:30:36
> And there's the other part that says, "The only way to make sure your needs don't go unmet is -- not to have needs."
My therapist's mantra is "The only way to make sure your needs do go unmet is not to ask for what you want." He follows that with saying that when you ask for things, sometimes the answer is no. And that doesn't make you wrong for asking.
It's a hard concept for me. But I can see the wisdom behind it. And I'm trying my best. Sometimes I think I ought to ask for the most inappropriate things to desensitize myself to hearing no. Although I'd have to explain first of course.
It's especially hard for those of us who also have a problem saying no. Because I'm sure we've all been in situations where people put us in terribly awkward situations by asking for something outrageous and leaving us frustrated by our ability to say no.
I think I'm getting better at that too. I have contact with a kid who does ask for the most outrageous things. And I have taken to just calmly responding no and continuing the interaction without pause. And do you know what? I don't resent him at all. I'm not at all angry with him. I don't think something like "How dare he!"
I think (and hope) our therapists are trained in saying yes or no with thought and consideration. Because they don't feel compelled, it is ok to need and it is ok to want and it is ok to ask. Because they aren't going to get angry because they understand and also because they don't consider (or shouldn't consider) our needs and wants to be demands they are reluctant not to meet.
If that makes sense.
Posted by Honore on September 7, 2007, at 14:51:46
In reply to Re: Ugh! That T word again -- not tintinabulation » Racer, posted by Dinah on September 7, 2007, at 9:46:30
Yeah-- they all say that, don' t they? but it doesn't work so well, when you feel so needy and alone, and worthless. So easy to say, so easy to agree with when you feel fine-- so hard to live out, when you don't.
Honore, not having a good day
Posted by JoniS on September 7, 2007, at 15:51:10
In reply to Re: Ugh! That T word again -- not tintinabulation, posted by Honore on September 7, 2007, at 14:51:46
Honore,
I noticed, buried in Racer's post, that you're not having a good day. I sort of sense it as well in your other posts for today.
I hope things are going better for you now. If not, do something for YOU. That helps me a lot.
Take Care
Joni
Posted by TherapyGirl on September 7, 2007, at 18:15:07
In reply to Ugh! That T word again -- not tintinabulation..., posted by Racer on September 7, 2007, at 1:30:36
I'm glad you can talk to her about it, Racer. I'd feel the same in your situation and I'm impressed that you didn't run away.
Posted by DAisym on September 7, 2007, at 19:24:29
In reply to Ugh! That T word again -- not tintinabulation..., posted by Racer on September 7, 2007, at 1:30:36
"Ever since that blasted missed appointment, I've been feeling so needy, and that brings up all sorts of horrible things for me. I can hear the times my mother told me that I was too needy, and it drove everyone away from me."
I wonder what it was about the missed appointment that has left you feeling so needy? Was it the awareness? The timing? or was it what happened when you didn't speak up - you didn't get an appointment and she left...?
Our mother's voices are so loud because our brain sits so close to our ears. I wish there was a way to make our intellect inform our feelings but I haven't figured that all out yet. I tend to gather evidence about her being right - and ignore the pile that says she is wrong.
And perhaps what my therapist said to me this week applies to you too. When we need, we show our soft underbelly. And that was always problematic when we were young because someone took advantage of their access to the soft underbelly and invariably stuck a knife in it. So we want to protect it, role over and not let anyone touch it, even if it hurts and needs attention. It is confusing and scary to need someone. It gets more confusing and scary the more this someone meets our needs - because then MORE needs show up. Ug.
I am so glad you are talking about this. I'm glad she is pushing you on it too. How did it feel to hear she was talking to HER therapist about you? (and aren't you dying to know who her therapist is?)
Take care. This is hard but necessary.
This is the end of the thread.
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