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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by muffled on September 12, 2007, at 22:27:23
Cuz during T, the phone rang LOUD, I mean REALLY loud, right in front of me, we were both sitting at her desk, with me on the outside so I wouldn't feel trapped, I DIDN'T feel trapped, it was OK, just kinda weird, and I kinda, well I dunno, but then she reaches for it, to turn it off, she DID check the number, which I am fine with, then it rang AGAIN on vibrate mode, and I didn't hear that, but anyhow, at one point, dunno if it was when she was reaching for phone, but, damn, well, well I guess I surprized myself cuz I didn't think I was all that tense or bothered, but when she came near me, SH*T, I think if she had touched me, I'm not entirely sure I wouldn't have hit her, in self defense. I was so shocked when I realized this, and the session kinda faded out some from there, cuz I went to kid mode cuz I guess I was so distressed by my reaction. I dunno. Its fuzzy. I would like to think I would never hit another human being except in desparate circumstances...but i guess some part of me was terribly frightened, and it passed. But its SO NOT me. I dunno why i get like this.
Now if she wants me to sit at desk with her...damn, I dunno. God I feel like SUCH a FREAK.
I'd put this outta my head, burt now I remembered.
Should I say something to T, I WON'T lie, but she can't ask either....cuz she don't know...
WHAT do I do next time if we sit at desk?
Will it be enuf if I make sure her phone is off cuz it is SO LOUD?
Or mebbe she can sit on one side and me on the other......I somehow doubt I could pull that off w/o telling her why...
I
I dunno.
I feel freakizoid.
WHY am I a freakazoid?
I got NO excuses.
I just stupid.
Stpid and dumb.
I wished I had a different brain.
I wished I didn't have bad emotions.
I wished SO BAD I was just ME.
ME ME ME
ONLY ME.
One descisive clear voice.
I wished I knew who I am.
I wished I knew why I am the way I am.
I wished to never know either anyhow.
I wish.
I wish noboddy ever got hurt.
And God would come down and get all the bad people and make them dead.
I wish we could all just have happy inside mostly and no bad.
I wished there was NO "BAD".
Thats all
Alllllllll.
Posted by muffled on September 12, 2007, at 22:33:58
In reply to OK so am U the only meathead?***negativity trigg**, posted by muffled on September 12, 2007, at 22:27:23
apparently i am, I can't tell for btwn U and an I.
I see T, I am happy T is there.
But I go away and I get all mixed up.
:-(
Posted by muffled on September 12, 2007, at 22:35:55
In reply to OK so am ***I ***the only meathead? » muffled, posted by muffled on September 12, 2007, at 22:33:58
So I NOT alone, and I LIKE people here, so if I fit in HERE with these nice people, welll, then maybe I not so bad.
HA!
So there!!!!!!!!
:-)
Posted by muffled on September 12, 2007, at 22:40:55
In reply to Ha! So anyways i fit in here!!! Ha! » muffled, posted by muffled on September 12, 2007, at 22:35:55
Posted by TherapyGirl on September 13, 2007, at 6:44:27
In reply to Ha! So anyways i fit in here!!! Ha! » muffled, posted by muffled on September 12, 2007, at 22:35:55
You're not a meathead, Muffly. I do think you should share your reaction with T -- like you said, she's probably not going to ask about it if she was unaware that it happened. These are those therapy moments that can get you a long way along your road to inner peace. So try letting her know about it, okay?
Posted by arora on September 13, 2007, at 7:41:51
In reply to OK so am U the only meathead?***negativity trigg**, posted by muffled on September 12, 2007, at 22:27:23
I don't think you're a meathead, Muffled... and it sounds like you had a really good session yesterday with your T.
You've shown her you post about parenting- maybe you could show her this one, so that she understands.
(and yeah, I know what you mean about getting those odd reactions- when I've been spooked by something my first instinct is to lash out. It's that old fight-or-flight thing kicking in!)But the point is, you DIDN'T... you might have thought it but you controlled the urge, and you DIDN'T hurt anyone!
And it's not a bad emotion- the deer that goes leaping away ASAP after giving the lion a swift kick in the chops is the deer who lives another day, after all. :-)
Therapy is scary- so you're bound to feel a bit like a deer trapped in the headlights now and again.arora
Posted by JoniS on September 13, 2007, at 8:04:14
In reply to OK so am U the only meathead?***negativity trigg**, posted by muffled on September 12, 2007, at 22:27:23
Muff
You are not a meathead or a freakazoid or any of that junk you called yourself.
I am so Mad because I just wrote this post and it didn't show up, it vaporized. - Extremely frustrating when you write a bunch of stuff. Now I don't have time to do it again cause I gotta go.
Just want to let you know I've done something similar, so you're not the only one. I'll post more later.
Take care of yourself. I agree with TG and Arora. You did great work!
Joni
Posted by muffled on September 13, 2007, at 10:56:32
In reply to Re: Ha! So anyways i fit in here!!! Ha! » muffled, posted by TherapyGirl on September 13, 2007, at 6:44:27
> You're not a meathead, Muffly. I do think you should share your reaction with T -- like you said, she's probably not going to ask about it if she was unaware that it happened. These are those therapy moments that can get you a long way along your road to inner peace. So try letting her know about it, okay?
**Thanks TG.
I think I just kinda running sscared....
I dunno if I gonna tell her :-(
Cuz I got this THING bout worrying bout whether she has fear of me. I dunno why this is, but it would be death to having t w/her if she ever showed she had physical fear of me :-(
I don't hurt people physically.
Never have.
But we used to scare people.
I don't understand me.
Thanks for replying.
Hope your search for a decent doc is getting somewhere.
Take care,
M
Posted by B2chica on September 13, 2007, at 11:02:32
In reply to OK so am U the only meathead?***negativity trigg**, posted by muffled on September 12, 2007, at 22:27:23
(((((((((muffy)))))))
hon, maybe you need to come to my closet for a while? jus let me know and we'll barricade ourselves in.
i think i understand a little.
last week i was with my DH, he driving, little one in passanger side and i was squished in back (of truck). i was feeling a little out of it already, but still ok...then all of a sudden DH hit the wrong button and the music CRANKED even though he was very quick at turning it back down...within that instant i curled up put my hands to my ears and screamed, it happend SO fast!...after he turned it down he looked at me kinda scared, i was starting to cry. he said he was sorry that it was an accident, and i tried to pull it together and told him it was ok it just scared me...but it REALLY freaked me out. i'm not sure why...i was feeling really weird the rest of the day. i can't say that it made me recall any memories or anything...but i can't tell you how much it freaked me out.
i mean we've all accidently hit that dial and cranked the music without meaning too, why at that time did i react that severe?
i mean i screamed??!! wtf???but i think you shoujld mention your reaction to T next time. maybe you can talk about the incident and maybe then you can know why??
but if nothing else CERTAINLY have her turn her phone to vibrate or silence.(((((muffy)))))) you Certainly NO freakizoid!!
i care so much about you dear. and i wish you was never hurt either. i wish there was no bad feelings in you.....but remember, you are ok. you come here...and you can come to closet with little b2 ANYTIME. if you wanna 'reflect' on life i could try to get 'old' b2 there too.BIG BIG 'safe' hugs to you (((((((((((muffled)))))))))))
b2c
Posted by muffled on September 13, 2007, at 11:05:50
In reply to Re: OK so am U the only meathead?***negativity trigg** » muffled, posted by arora on September 13, 2007, at 7:41:51
> You've shown her you post about parenting- maybe you could show her this one, so that she understands.
**Sigh...that'd take guts...I a chickenshit..
> (and yeah, I know what you mean about getting those odd reactions- when I've been spooked by something my first instinct is to lash out. It's that old fight-or-flight thing kicking in!)
**Wow! That felt SO good reading that!!!! Ya, I was mebbe scared on some level, then that phone startled the freaking CRAP outta me.....fight or flight...PERFECT. That makes me feel LOTS better.
>
> But the point is, you DIDN'T... you might have thought it but you controlled the urge, and you DIDN'T hurt anyone!**WOW WOW!!!! You sound like my T :-)
Cuz I DIDN'T and thats THE most important thing of ALL. I DIDN'T. HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :-) :-)
>
> And it's not a bad emotion- the deer that goes leaping away ASAP after giving the lion a swift kick in the chops is the deer who lives another day, after all. :-)**ROFL!!!!!! I may just have to show T this thread cuz this part is SOOOO!!!! funny, she would like this joke lots!
> Therapy is scary- so you're bound to feel a bit like a deer trapped in the headlights now and again.**more deer stuff!!! LOL!!! We had a buck bed down just less than 50 ft from our house yesterday!
I dunno bout T....
I feel scared LOTS. But my Ikid just LOVES that T LOL! Its actually kinda funny.(in a sad sorta way....)
But WTF, I try and have good thots.
THANKS!
M
Posted by muffled on September 13, 2007, at 11:09:59
In reply to Re: OK so am U the only meathead?***negativity trigg** » muffled, posted by JoniS on September 13, 2007, at 8:04:14
> I am so Mad because I just wrote this post and it didn't show up, it vaporized. - Extremely frustrating when you write a bunch of stuff. Now I don't have time to do it again cause I gotta go.
**sigh, I had 4 e-mails on the go the other day..and the program just shut down???I dunno why...arrrgggghhhh, computers gotta love/hate them!
> Just want to let you know I've done something similar, so you're not the only one. I'll post more later.**Would LOVE to hear it!!! I await the post.
>
> Take care of yourself. I agree with TG and Arora. You did great work!*Thx for support Joni.
So howsit w/your T?
He's pastoral right?
If I recall correctly he seemed pretty mice/smart/kinda funny?
There's alotta pastoral T's round babble.
Weird.
Anyhow, take care, I got work to do tooo!
M
Posted by B2chica on September 13, 2007, at 11:11:16
In reply to Re: Ha! So anyways i fit in here!!! Ha! » TherapyGirl, posted by muffled on September 13, 2007, at 10:56:32
to scare someone is a natural protection....you get puffed up and scare someone away and they are too afraid to come hurt you. animals do that all the time...think of that puffer(?) fish that anytime something comes near it it balloons up and little spikes are all over him! that scares others off so they won't harm him.
it's ok muffysay, this will cheer ya up? hehe, for some reason if i'm down and i need a pick me up video this seems to work...i've got it as favorite...its...well...unique! but that song gets stuck in your head...heeeey!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rhkJqsA_zJQtake care
b2c
Posted by muffled on September 13, 2007, at 23:10:44
In reply to Re: OK so am U the only meathead?***negativity tri, posted by B2chica on September 13, 2007, at 11:02:32
thanks for sharing your story B2, it helps ALOT.
I don't feel like such a freak.
Funny how that is really.
Just how not feeling so alone and weird helps...
Yup, you a sweet pie too B2
Take good care,
M
Posted by muffled on September 13, 2007, at 23:17:13
In reply to Re: Ha! So anyways i fit in here!!! Ha! » muffled, posted by B2chica on September 13, 2007, at 11:11:16
> to scare someone is a natural protection....you get puffed up and scare someone away and they are too afraid to come hurt you. animals do that all the time...think of that puffer(?) fish that anytime something comes near it it balloons up and little spikes are all over him! that scares others off so they won't harm him.
> it's ok muffy**Thanks ((B2))
Actually this is a really good metaphor for me. I 'get' this. Duhhhhhhhhh. Sometimes, its like some part of me understands stuff, but the rest of me don't. I could even write, "I was trying to test T to see if she would dump me" or something along those lines...
and NOW I see that the form of those tests were often on a level of a older/younger part of me, part of my defense, and its way is to be tough and scare people away....
So maybe my defense is trying to scare my T away...
Ya, GOOD analogy.
Thanks :-)
>
> say, this will cheer ya up? hehe, for some reason if i'm down and i need a pick me up video this seems to work...i've got it as favorite...its...well...unique! but that song gets stuck in your head...heeeey!
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rhkJqsA_zJQLOL! I was going bonkers smiling! Its tooooooo funny. I showed it to my son, he thot it funny too.
Youtube can be a minefield of triggers for me so i don't go there much, so its nice to have a specific link to it.
Thanks!
M
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