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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by DAisym on September 14, 2007, at 1:36:13
Who is screaming? It is so loud - can't you hear it? I've look all around but I can't find her -- she sounds so terrified. People rush by, no one stops and listens - can't they hear it? I look and look and finally realize that the screaming is me. It is stuck in my head and in my throat and it gets louder and louder inside because it can't escape and expand outside. Can't you hear it? Or are you refusing to listen?
Are there words for this scream? I hear them. There is pleading -- "please don't, not again." There is panic, "I can't breathe, I can't breathe, I can't breathe." And there is anger, "get off, Get Off, GET OFF!" And there is only silence.
Pain is buried in this scream. It rips through my brain the way he rips through my body, my throat filled with it, the way he fills my body. There is madness in this scream, a need to let go and let it all out. Can the scream force him out? Can the scream be understood?
My soul is wailing. The anguish of knowing...of feeling so trapped...there is no escape. I continue to silently scream but no one comes. No - they can't hear it. I am alone. I am the silent scream.
Or is the scream me?
Posted by arora on September 14, 2007, at 4:27:57
In reply to coming apart - trigger, posted by DAisym on September 14, 2007, at 1:36:13
Daisy-
I don't know what to say to help- only I know you're in a bad place right now and wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you.
Do something good for yourself- anything!sometimes when I'm too down to even go out, I go to Flickr and look for nice things to remind myself that there is good stuff in the world...
so I'm sending you this rainbow.
http://www.flickr.com/photo_zoom.gne?id=159722493&size=l
arora
Posted by seldomseen on September 14, 2007, at 5:02:06
In reply to coming apart - trigger, posted by DAisym on September 14, 2007, at 1:36:13
Daisy are you safe right now?
Look around you, is there an imminent physical threat to your being right now?
If so, get out now. Go somewhere, anywhere.
Or is this scream an old one?
I think a lot of us have screams inside us and it doesn't mean we are coming apart or losing it, it just means that we know fear and powerlessness.
But it doesn't mean that we have to stay fearful and powerless. Use your adult self to pull out of that feeling. Visualize the scream coming out, meeting the air and changing.I used to always visualize that scream as turning into a butterfly once it hit the light of day and I would watch it flutter away.
When my T first suggested that, I really thought he had gone mental himself. But it does work. It also leaves you with a beautiful image.
Take care, find safety in yourself and what's around you.
Seldom.
Posted by B2chica on September 14, 2007, at 8:13:57
In reply to coming apart - trigger, posted by DAisym on September 14, 2007, at 1:36:13
((((Daisy)))))
are you ok?
you sound so scared.
hon, you need to ground yourself. Can Adult you come be with you. Picture her! she's there little Daisy, she's right with you and won't let anyone hurt you.
she rushes into the room, pushes ANYONE out of the way and scoops you up. she's holding you...TIGHT...
NO ONE can hurt you, she's like a GIANT shield...you are ok now. you are safe.
KNOW THIS.
YOU ARE SAFE.and you may be feeling trapped but you are not, there IS an escape!
those unheard screams are in the past, someone is coming now daisy, you are NOT alone!please write us, let us know how you are....
Posted by Poet on September 14, 2007, at 9:07:36
In reply to coming apart - trigger, posted by DAisym on September 14, 2007, at 1:36:13
Hi Daisy,
I can't hear the screams, but through your well written words I can feel the fear. I think that little Daisy is very frightened because she's remembering some very, very bad things.
I talked a little bit in therapy this week about how seeing my brother upsets my inner children and the real me. I can avoid my brother, but I can't avoid the memories. As always I give you much credit for how you have been able to talk about any of us.
I think Little Daisy needs some cream of wheat and anything else adult Daisy can think of to comfort her.(((((((((Little & Big Daisy))))))))))
Poet
Posted by pegasus on September 14, 2007, at 9:27:05
In reply to coming apart - trigger, posted by DAisym on September 14, 2007, at 1:36:13
Daisy, through your words I hear the scream. Keep screaming and posting if you can, if it helps. And call your T, if you can. I know it's hard, but he'd want to hear the scream, too, I think.
This is so painful for you. Have you found things that have helped you when you're in this place in the past. Can you remember what they are? Cream of Wheat? Baking? Friends? A warm bath? Telling yourself it will get better? That people love you?
I don't know what to say to help. But I want to help. For now I'll send my grounding, supportive energy in your direction, and I'll hold you in my thoughts.
peg
Posted by annierose on September 14, 2007, at 9:51:58
In reply to coming apart - trigger, posted by DAisym on September 14, 2007, at 1:36:13
Yes, I can hear the screaming. I e-mailed you with some thoughts.
Posted by gardenergirl on September 14, 2007, at 9:53:57
In reply to coming apart - trigger, posted by DAisym on September 14, 2007, at 1:36:13
Oh sweetie. I'm so glad you came here to tell us. You sound so angry. Frightened. Wounded. No wonder you're screaming. It sounds all consuming right now, but you're not solely a scream. The scream doesn't own you. There's much more of you there, and it's been getting bigger and bigger as you grow and heal. And that will continue til that scream is a small residue.
If I could and it were okay, I'd come over, draw you a bath, pour you a glass of wine, and go make you some COW just the way you like it. When you got out wrapped in a big fluffy robe, I'd brush your hair while you eat your COW and assure you that no one and nothing will ever hurt you like that again. I won't let it.
In fact, just this a.m. I "sprayed" my husband with anti-stress teflon. :) He's getting stressed about work and preparing for our vacation. Of course he has no way of knowing whether it was actually the "teflon" or leftover from childhood "cootie spray". ;)
Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself, dear. And please let me know how I can help.
Love,
gg
Posted by TherapyGirl on September 14, 2007, at 17:25:22
In reply to coming apart - trigger, posted by DAisym on September 14, 2007, at 1:36:13
Oh my God, Daisy. I can feel it. I'm so sorry. I wish I could do something to make it better for you.
((((((((Daisy))))))))) (from a few feet away if that feels safer for you right now)
Posted by DAisym on September 14, 2007, at 17:35:17
In reply to coming apart - trigger, posted by DAisym on September 14, 2007, at 1:36:13
Thank you for all the warm replies. I'm touched that I'm known so well that you guys can remind me what might help. It is easy to forget the little things at 2am.
I talked to my therapist yesterday about how awful I've been feeling. He wants to check in a lot over the weekend. So we talked on the phone a little while ago. I read to him about the scream - and he said it makes sense to him that little daisy feels this way. He talked about the work we are currently doing - really emotionally knowing on a deeper level what happened and the enormous fear that is present after the nightmares. I've been sleeping about 2 hours a night because I'm afraid to sleep and then afraid to go back to sleep. We talked about getting in touch with pdoc and getting another sleeping aid.
And then he said he leave me a message to help if I woke up again tonight. OH MY GOD. OK -- he does great phone -- I've written about that before. But this message! He just talks to me like he is right here, soothing me after a bad dream. He tells me nothing can hurt me as long as we are connected and he tells me we are very connected. He tells me I don't need to hurt myself several times. And he talks slowly, pacing his words, with the right pauses and the right intonations. And then he says "now go back to sleep. You are totally safe. Good night." -- He said Good night at 3 in the afternoon! I just love it. And I've cried for 1/2 an hour straight.
I'm so glad I have him and Babble. I suspect it is going to be a tough weekend. :(
Posted by TherapyGirl on September 14, 2007, at 19:08:29
In reply to Re: applied some glue - trigger, posted by DAisym on September 14, 2007, at 17:35:17
I love the way your T knows you so well. He's right about your connection.
I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. The others had great suggestions for trying to get through it. I'll be thinking about you.
Posted by muffled on September 14, 2007, at 22:44:34
In reply to Re: applied some glue - trigger, posted by DAisym on September 14, 2007, at 17:35:17
I only read the post once.
I am sorry you have to have these bad feelings.
I wonder if they are comming out and maybe each time some come out there's less?
I read this that you wrote and I tell you it is TRUE.>He tells me nothing can hurt me as long as we are connected and he tells me we are very connected.
This is a true thing. Cuz he knows and he's special and he can keep you safe.
And you know too, that the spirit of us babblers can be there too. Those of us that have protection can send them to you. Not sure whose got them, I think B2C teen is good. And my 'nasty' is good. Nasty has stared down some creepy people. So they can help too. Tell little Daisy that they will come, and they are STRONG, their whole existance mostly is to protect so they TOUGH. They can make bad go away.They can stuff the bad into a box. Then Daisy can play in her favorite safe place. What is your favorite safe place? My cave is good, but I LOVE the stream with its mossy banks, and warm sun and critters under rocks, and frogs and leaves to float in the brook, and sticks to make log houses with, pretty birds chirping, and lotsa nice stuff.
I guess the other thing for little Daisy to know, would be that God can't stop stuff, cuz of the free-will thing, but if she looks, there's usu an angel around, mebbe crying, but so she not alone either, the angel hurts too WITH her, she not all alone by herself. Maybe she can talk to the angel, and the angel can send special messages to her T, even if he is sleeping so they EXTRA connected.
Dunno, this is stuff part of me thot of, cuz its a part that likes to help and try and make people feel better.
Thats all.
Hope its OK.
Muffled
Posted by JoniS on September 16, 2007, at 21:01:02
In reply to Maybe some good things to think of? » DAisym, posted by muffled on September 14, 2007, at 22:44:34
Daisy
So sorry for what you're going through right now. I hope the weekend went much better than you expected.
I am so glad you have your wonderful T. That message sounds sooooo comforting.
Glad you have Babble and Babble has you too!
Take care!
Joni
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