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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by B2chica on September 17, 2007, at 13:49:55
feeling kind of lost.
not happy, not sad, maybe down, but spacy...like i don't feel anything right now, in a haze -almost floaty.-had pdoc last week, we discussed going back on meds, when, what etc.
part of me is MORE than ready, other part says...no your a fighter, you can do it alone, no meds. and of course that is backed up by DH who when i told him about pdoc appt, said he did NOT want me back on meds. i don't understand this...it's not like i'm saying hmmm, what Rx should i play with this month? if i take them it's to (supposedly) give me better quality life....right now, just don't care. don't care anymore, like it's just not worth the trouble. in fact i'm kinda tired of everything. sometimes,
i wish...for an accident.
just a simple honest accident. no blame.
...so i can go home.
Posted by B2chica on September 17, 2007, at 14:35:52
In reply to feelings of lost, posted by B2chica on September 17, 2007, at 13:49:55
it so weird. i'm feeling so unreal right now. like i don't really exist. like if i were to walk in front of my boss he wouldn't even see me.
i feel like if i don't grab on to something, something in the sky will just take me away.its unreal, like i'm in a dream.
am i dissociating? why can i still post?beginning to wonder if im really here.
Posted by B2chica on September 17, 2007, at 14:59:14
In reply to feeling unreal, posted by B2chica on September 17, 2007, at 14:35:52
its very intense. i'm afraid i'm disappearing.
so much so that i went to 'get some real', and found a co-worker. she saw me, we talked briefly, then she went to another lab room. as i stood alone in the hall, i started getting scared, like "if i didn't hurry, i'd literally disappear'.things weren't as fuzzy (2d) when i was around another person, but instantly when i'm alone. i become detached. separated from everyone/thing else. less real. and cloudy/dreamy again.
i feel like i'm going to disappear.
maybe since i wished for an 'accident', someone's going to come take me away.
Posted by LLurpsieNoodle on September 17, 2007, at 14:59:26
In reply to feeling unreal, posted by B2chica on September 17, 2007, at 14:35:52
I feel like that a lot B2. It's a kind of dissociative reaction. The "out of body" feeling is called depersonalization and makes you feel like your body is far away, or you may not recognize sensations. I sometimes feel like there are these "ghost hands" doing things for me. I've posted plenty of posts under the influence of depersonalization.
At the time, I wonder if I'm crazy, but when I talk about it in T, we try to figure out what the trigger is. For me, the trigger is always something that happens RIGHT before the dissociation/depersonalization.
I've gone into "la la land" plenty of times in T. If I were more clever, I'd try to figure out exactly what T said that made me feel that way (but the conversation happens too fast for me to say "TIME OUT")
Life doesn't pause, but sometimes these feelings are a way to force us to pause.
Med-wise, I have found that the antipsychotics (neuroleptics) help a lot. My neuroleptic right now is abilify. I've had no side effects to speak of, and have been feeling pretty damned good lately. With an exception of Friday/Saturday...
I hope you feel yourself soon
-Ll
Posted by B2chica on September 17, 2007, at 15:11:59
In reply to Re: feeling unreal » B2chica, posted by LLurpsieNoodle on September 17, 2007, at 14:59:26
yes, it really is like i don't have a body... and i really really like your description of ghost hands. its like i'm watching someone else type. like i have to concentrate to even feel the keyboard under my fingertips.
i guess something did happen this morning unexpected, but i wouldn't have thought it would be triggering...YES...la la land. except with a sense of fear.
i used to be on zyprexa and that usually fixed all my "weird" issues.
but i want to make it another month with nursing before i start meds again. only i'm afraid by then i might be too paranoid to take them.i see T tomorrow. i had hoped to get back to real issues, but there's so much else going on that i guess i need to 'waste' another session on 'current' cr@p.
disappointing. i swear someone doesn't want me to talk...
d@ng go from depressive/suicidal to dissociative and scared within a few hours.
...not good i suppose.thnx Lurpsie
Posted by muffled on September 17, 2007, at 15:37:40
In reply to feelings of lost, posted by B2chica on September 17, 2007, at 13:49:55
B2C hope you feeling better.
From your post below it sounds like you do some.
I hate anxiety.
Ya, proly, if you gonna work thru some sh*t in T, if meds have worked for you before, maybe try again.
I REALLY hope my post didn't trigger you :-(
I think sometimes I write stuff I shouldn't, but I honestly want an answer.
I wouldn't worry too much bout 'getting ahead' in T.
T is just T. You do what you need to do at the time to make it thru the week. If things are calm, then mebbe you can dig in. I think T is a teaching thing even when it seemas to be perpetual 'crisis control'. It all builds learning and trust. Teaches us emotional control. Teaches us STUFF. all kinds a stuff we didn't learn before.
As to why we got to take so much sh*t?
Well, I dunno.
Lifes just not fair.
I wonder about the moms in africa wondering who should get the bowl of food, them so they can nurse the baby? or the two yr old with the big eyes that doesn't even cry anymore....or mebbe the older son....who found the food....who?
I don't understand all this sh*t I DON'T.
But I cling to moments of joy.
The times my head is attached, and I feel real, and I have a special moment with one of my kids, and my heart is singing, and there is water of joy in my eyes, the sun shines warm, my skin is clean, my children touch me, and its OK.
Moments.
I guess its about moments....
Special special moments.
And helping others.
I love helping others.
Makes me feel useful.
Makes me feel good.
Damn,
I hope this damn post isn't triggering.
Take care B2.
M
Posted by RealMe on September 17, 2007, at 21:55:49
In reply to not sure what this is, posted by B2chica on September 17, 2007, at 14:59:14
Used to have that happen too years ago at Menninger's. I thought I was dead sometimes or at least not me. Really crazy stuff. Dissociative and depersonalization episodes that lasted days, even weeks. I got past that with a lot of therapy and meds. This was in the 80's so not as many good med's as now.
One thing for sure, you are not losing your mind. There does come a point when you can identify triggers fairly quickly, but it takes work. Now, when I get triggered, sometimes I know right away and can say so in therapy. Sometimes I don't realize it until later in the day or the next day. It does get better though, and it helped me to know that I was not losing my mind and going totally insane.
RealMe
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